I don’t know why I didn’t tell Adam that James had called. I felt I should mention it, but was there really anything to tell? As James said, it was “no biggie.” Yet, had Adam called James’s girlfriend, on the off chance, just because he was passing, I’d have thought it spoke volumes. I was well aware there were double standards at work here.
I’d spent the three weeks since the “incident” trying to apply the same grown-up attitude to the stalemate that remained between me and Pammie. What had happened was regretful, but once I really thought about it, it occurred to me that the issue was far greater for Adam and his mum than it was for me. Yes, I was embarrassed, but I was merely a pawn caught in the middle. If, God forbid, it had happened the other way around, and it had been my mum who had seen what Pammie had seen, I’d have been absolutely devastated. So, although I doubted that she’d ever be my favorite person in the world, I decided I’d try my utmost to make it up to her, when the time was right. Though I hadn’t expected to put my newfound philosophy to the test so soon.
Adam arranged to meet her for lunch the following Sunday, in a fish restaurant in Sevenoaks. “I think it would be better if we met on neutral territory,” Pammie said. She made it sound like two heads of state were meeting in an attempt to stave off World War III. So, doing what we were told, as we always do, we met in Loch Fyne, a fish restaurant just off the High Street. We parked up in a bay round the back of Marks & Spencer and Adam threw his arm around me as we cut through the passageway. It was a simple enough gesture, and one that he’d done a hundred times before, but because we’d not slept together for almost a month, his touch sent shivers through me. I’ll try again when we get home, I thought. But there are only so many times you can keep putting yourself out there, knowing that you are going to be rejected. I kept a thin smile pasted onto my face and pretended it didn’t matter, pulling him toward me for a cuddle, on the odd occasion he’d let me. But it did matter. It really hurt, and once again, it was all her fault.
A chilly breeze took me by surprise as we rounded the corner, and I pulled my coat tightly around me, thankful for both it and the chunky-knit jumper I had on underneath. It wasn’t my most glamorous look, but I wasn’t feeling the least bit glamorous. I hadn’t even bothered to wash my hair this morning. It was almost a waste of shampoo and conditioner, as she was going to make a derisory comment regardless, whether my hair was in a greasy ponytail or cascading over my shoulders in shiny, bouncy curls.
Even though we were five minutes late, I knew she wouldn’t be there. She never was. She liked to give it a good fifteen minutes before making her entrance, both to ensure she had everyone’s attention, and to save her from feeling embarrassed while she waited on her own. There was many a trick up Pammie’s sleeve, and I’d learned a few, but I imagine even I would be shocked if I knew them all.
“So, are we going to talk about what happened?” I asked Adam, as the maître d’ took his coat. I opted to keep mine on until I’d thawed out a little.
“No” was all I got in response.
“But don’t you think it needs to—”
“Jesus, Em. Just leave it alone. She’s been through enough. I’m sure she doesn’t need it to be raked up again. I know I sure as hell don’t.”
Oh, what a joy this was going to be. Two, possibly three, hours stuck between a woman who couldn’t stand the sight of me and a fiancé who couldn’t bear to be near me. It only occurred to me then, as we were sitting down at a booth-like table, that James might come along as well, to support his poor aggrieved mother. Great, could this get any worse?
Right on cue, a quarter of an hour after we’d arranged to meet, in came Pammie, her face a complicated mixture of love and hatred. She gave Adam a big hug as she greeted him.
“Oh, darling, it’s so good to see you, I was beginning to wonder…” She left it hanging there, and looked down to the floor with sad eyes for maximum effect.
“And Emily?” she said, turning to me, almost feigning surprise that I was here. “It’s been a while.” Her tone was cold and she’d already turned away from me when she said, “But you’re looking well. You’ve put some weight on, which was much needed.”
I signaled to Adam, in the hope that he’d see my plight, but he just discreetly shook his head and looked back to her.
“I haven’t, actually, it must just be this big coat and jumper,” I said, pulling at the rib of it as if to prove its volume, but they were both already chatting about something else.
Three glasses of Pinot Grigio in, and it was just getting worse. It felt like they had their own private club, one which I didn’t have a membership to.
“Oh, do you remember when you and James found those crabs on the beach in Whitstable?” She laughed.
Adam grinned widely. “And we wrote our names on their backs and raced them.”
“That’s right,” she said, through an overexaggerated fit of the giggles.
“Mine never won,” he said.
“Wasn’t there an almighty rumpus over something?” asked Pammie. “I remember James crying all the way home.”
Adam rolled his eyes. “Don’t you remember? He got all stressed because we went to fill our buckets up from the sea, only to come back and find his crab all smashed up.”
Pammie nodded slowly. “I remember. I still don’t know how that could have happened.”
Adam laughed. “A rock must have come in with the tide and given it a proper bashing. Or else it was the perfect murder.…”
He looked at me. “And I’ve never eaten crab since.”
I forced a smile.
I tried to reassure myself that he was just putting on a show to get their relationship back on track, but what about our relationship? Wasn’t that the one that needed saving? We had barely spoken since she’d walked in on us, let alone been intimate, and it was all beginning to gnaw away at me … nibbling, nibbling. Everything between us would be perfect if she just behaved normally, like a mother was supposed to.
By glass four, just around the time she was asking Adam what they could buy Linda’s son Ewan for his twenty-first, I could feel an unpleasant sensation rising up within me.
“So, you think a nice wallet would be well received?” She was asking Adam, not me. She’d not looked at me since her comment about my weight, and even then I don’t think she actually saw me. If she had, she might have noticed that I’d actually lost weight, but what would be the fun in that?
“I think he’d be chuffed with that. If we all chip in fifty quid I reckon we can get him something decent, perhaps a Paul Smith,” said Adam.
“Okay,” Pammie wheezed, all excited. “I’ll put in fifty pounds, you put in fifty pounds, and James we’ll have to see about, as you know he doesn’t earn as much as you.”
She was speaking directly to Adam.
“I’ll obviously put in twenty-five,” I butted in. “Half of Adam’s share, just so, you know, it’s from the both of us.”
She looked at me with real disdain. “Thank you, dear, but that really won’t be necessary. It’s a present from the family.” She gave a light laugh and turned back to Adam.
“But I am family,” I hissed. I knew I’d had too much to drink because my mouth didn’t feel like it was a part of me. My lips were moving, but I couldn’t control what was coming out of them.
“That’s all right, Em. I’ll put in for us,” said Adam.
“I don’t want you to put in for me,” I said, emphasizing “put in.” “If my name’s going to be on the gift tag, then I’d like to contribute.”
Pammie tutted and looked at me patronizingly. Her rimless glasses were perched on the end of her nose, making her look like a headmistress.
“Okay.” Adam sighed. “Do what you want to do.”
“Well, it seems ridiculous to me,” Pammie said with a laugh. “You hardly know him, so you shouldn’t have to dig into your pocket when it’s not even your family.”
“But Adam’s family is my family.” I didn’t seem to have any control over the volume of my voice. “We’re getting married in two months, and I will become Mrs. Banks.” I saw her visibly flinch. “And as such, we’ll all be family.”
“If that’s what she wants to do, Mum, then that’s fine,” said Adam.
Yes! Thank you, Adam.
“Well, I just think–” began Pammie, but I held up my hand, signaling for her to stop.
“And while we’re at it,” I said, “are none of us going to be brave enough to address the elephant in the room?”
“That’s enough, Emily,” said Adam, a hardness to his voice.
“That’s enough of what, Adam?” I’d wanted to stay so composed, be in control, but it felt as if weeks of pent-up frustration were bursting to get out. “Does your mother have any idea what our relationship has been like these past few weeks? Since she ‘discovered’ us, doing what most normal couples do?” I used to hate people who put words in speech marks with their hands, but with her I couldn’t help myself.
Pammie tutted in disgust, and Adam took hold of my elbow. “Sorry, Mum,” he said, as he guided me up and out of my chair. “I don’t know what’s come over her. I’m really sorry.”
“It’s what couples in love do,” I sneered, shrugging off Adam’s grip. “You must remember that—”
“Emily!” shouted Adam. “Enough.”
He tightened his grip on my arm. “I’m so sorry, Mum,” I heard him gush, forever trying to placate her. “Will you be okay getting home?”
“Of course,” she replied, shooing us away from the table. “I’ll be fine, you’ve got enough on your plate. Don’t worry about me; just see that you get her home safely.”
Adam offered her a tight smile as he pushed me toward the door. “I’ll call you once we’re home,” he said. I pulled a face, as if mimicking him, and turned my head back to where she was sitting, expecting to see her pitiful face, the one she reserved for Adam, to let him know how hurt and vulnerable she was. Except he wasn’t looking, I was. So instead she smiled slowly and raised a half-full glass of red wine.
I can’t recall another word being said until we got home, when he put his key in the front door and said, “You’re drunk. Go upstairs and sort yourself out.”
Yes, I was tipsy, I’d had one or two more than I should have, but I didn’t say anything I didn’t want to say. Had I been more sober, I would have perhaps approached it in a slightly different way, but it was what it was, and I didn’t regret it. The only part of it that stung was that, once again, I’d been made to look like the bad guy, while she remained firmly on her throne.