There was a constant succession of visitors to the house when I came home from the hospital with Poppy. My parents, Pippa, Seb, and even James popped in with a baby-pink hamper full of goodies. “Well done,” James said tenderly, as he kissed my forehead, just as Adam had done in the operating theater when they cut Poppy from my stomach. Our plan for a water birth went out the window after sixteen hours of labor resulted in Poppy getting distressed.
I welcomed them all in a blur, all the time waiting, dreading Pammie’s visit. She’d not wanted to come for the first three days, as she had a cold and didn’t want to infect the baby. But I wished she’d just get it over and done with so I could relax and enjoy my time with Poppy.
“You okay if Mum comes up tomorrow?” asked Adam, just as Pippa went out the door. “She’ll probably stay for the night, and I’ll drop her back the next morning.”
I groaned. “I’m exhausted, can’t you take her back tomorrow evening before tea?”
“Come on, Em,” he said. “This is her first grandchild, and she’s the last to meet her as it is. She might even have her uses.”
That was exactly what I was frightened of. I looked at Poppy’s perfect face, her big eyes staring up at me, and felt a shudder run through me. “I’d really rather she went home,” I said. “Please.”
“I’ll give her a call, see how it goes,” he said. “I won’t offer if she doesn’t ask.”
I knew even before he came back into the room that the conversation hadn’t gone my way.
“So, I’ll go and get her around midday and take her back the next morning.”
“You tried hard,” I said under my breath.
If he heard me, he didn’t react. “I’m going to pop down to the pub later, wet the baby’s head and all that,” he said. “You’ve not got a problem with that, have you?”
Was he asking me, or telling me? Either way, he’d posed it in such a way that it would make me look possessive and controlling if I dared say yes.
“What’s the face for?” he said tightly. “It’s just a quick drink, for Christ’s sake.”
Funny, I’d not even said anything, but he was happy to start an argument with himself, just so he’d feel vindicated in going.
“When was that arranged, then?” I asked.
He tutted. “Just in the last day or so. Mike suggested a drink, and all the others have just latched on to it. It’s a rite of passage.”
I was well aware of the tradition, so why he was trying to justify it to himself, heaven only knows. I could feel my hackles going up, not because he was going out, but because he was being so defensive about it. He felt guilty, yet he was trying to turn it on me, making me out to be the bad guy.
“Okay, cool,” I said indifferently. “Try not to be too long though as I could use some help getting the place ready for your mum.”
When he wasn’t home by midnight, I didn’t think it was unreasonable to give him a call. Poppy wasn’t settling and, in between feeding, rocking, and bathing, I was struggling to get anything else done.
“I’ll call you back,” I heard him slur, when he answered on the fourth ring. There was a lot of background noise, chattering, clinking of glasses, and loud music.
“Adam?” The line went dead.
Ten minutes later, he still hadn’t called, so I rang him again.
“Yep,” was all he could offer when he picked up. It sounded quieter now, and I could hear his breath cutting out, as if he were drawing on something and then exhaling.
“Adam?”
“Yes,” he said, sounding impatient, as if he had somewhere he had to be. “What is it?”
I fought to stay calm, even though Poppy was screaming her head off, and my new mummy brain was struggling to keep everything in perspective. “Just wondering how much longer you’re going to be,” I said.
“Why? Am I missing something?”
I forced myself to breathe deeply. “No, I just wanted to know whether I should go to bed.”
“Well, are you tired?” I could tell from his tone that he was trying to be facetious.
“Yes, I’m shattered.”
“So, what are you waiting for?”
“Forget it,” I said, my patience running out. “You do what the hell you like.”
“Thank you, I will,” I heard him say before I put the phone down.
I could’ve ranted and raved, but he was too drunk to care, and it would only have made me upset. He could stay out as long as he liked, if he was just going to be a pain in the arse. He’d only be a hindrance if he was drunk, and I had enough on my plate with worrying about Pammie’s impending arrival.
Crazily, my instinct, once I finally got Poppy down, was to run around the flat, making sure everything was just so before she arrived. I didn’t want her to have any excuse to goad me, to tell me what I wasn’t doing right and everything I was doing wrong. But the tug on my stitches, as I struggled to get the cover on the duvet for the spare room, had me asking what I was doing it all for. She didn’t need a reason to belittle and undermine me. If she didn’t have one, she’d just make one up.
Adam got home just after three o’clock in the morning and made such a racket that he woke Poppy up, who then cried solidly until her next feed.
“Thanks a lot,” I spat, as I rocked her back and forth, pacing the bedroom. He belched, grunted, and rolled onto his back.
I didn’t see him for another eight hours, when he got up, took two Alka-Seltzers, said, “I feel like shit,” and went back to bed again. I couldn’t pretend I didn’t feel the tiniest sliver of satisfaction as I followed him into the bedroom, threw the curtains open, and said, “Wakey, wakey. You’ve got to go and get your mother.” He let out the loudest groan, and just at that moment I fancied he was dreading her visit even more than I was.
By the time he arrived back with her, the flat was spotless, Poppy was asleep in the crook of my elbow, and there was a fresh pot of coffee on. I felt like a smug superwoman as I sat in the armchair, awaiting my nemesis, with a triangular maternity pillow stuffed under my aching arm.
“Oh, you clever girl,” Pammie said as she came into the front room. “Didn’t you do well?”
She didn’t bother to kiss me, preferring instead to fixate on Poppy. “What a beauty,” she cooed. “She looks just like you, Adam.”
“You think?” he said proudly, his voice still gravelly.
He took her from me and laid her in Pammie’s arms. Every part of me tingled, urging me to snatch her back again. She walked off around the room, her back to me as she looked out of the window and onto the street below. I paced like a lioness, unable to take my eyes off them. Pammie was whispering and bobbing up and down, but I couldn’t see Poppy. I knew she was there, of course she was, I just needed to see her, hold her.
“I’ll take her now,” I said, going up to them. “She needs changing.”
“I’ve only just got her!” Pammie laughed. “And what’s a dirty nappy between a nan and her granddaughter?” She looked down at Poppy, as if she were expecting her to answer. “I can’t even smell anything anyways, and I’m sure I can manage to change her nappy if she needs it.”
I looked to Adam, pleading with my eyes to get my baby back, but he just turned away from me. “Anyone fancy a cuppa?” he asked.
“I’ll have one, son,” said Pammie. “Are you feeding her yourself?” she asked me.
“Yes,” I replied.
“If you want to express some milk, I’d be more than happy to do the night feed tonight if you like. To give you a break.”
I shook my head. “That won’t be necessary.”
“Well, maybe I can take her out in the pram for a walk? Give you and Adam some time alone? I remember how hard it was for Jim and me once the boys came along. Everything changes, and you have to work twice as hard to make it work.”
I smiled tightly.
“Oh, I bought Poppy a little something, hope you don’t mind.”
“Why would I mind?” I asked wearily.
“Well, some mums get a bit precious, don’t they? About what they want the baby to wear and how they want the baby to look.”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“But I had to get this when I saw it, because it made me laugh so much.”
She handed me a carrier bag and watched as I pulled out a tiny white sleep suit. “That’s lovely,” I forced myself to say. “Thank you.”
“Wait, you haven’t seen it yet,” she said. “Look what it says on the front.”
I turned it over and held it up. If Mummy says no, I just ask Grandma, was emblazoned across the chest. I flinched. “Isn’t that the cutest thing?” Pammie laughed.
She may as well have bought a dog tag with Return to grandma if found.
“Look at what your mum bought for Poppy,” I said to Adam, holding it up, facing him. “Isn’t it the cutest thing?” I hoped my sarcasm wasn’t lost on her.
Adam smiled at me.
“I’ll take her while you have your tea,” I said, going toward Pammie.
She laughed. “I’ve had two babies myself, don’t forget, and I still managed to drink a cup of tea. I can do two things at once, you know.”
Adam laughed along with her, at me. I held my breath as she lifted the cup of hot liquid to her lips, silently pleading with her not to spill it.
As soon as Poppy started to cry, I was up out of my chair and looming over Pammie, willing her to hand her back to me. Instead, she stuck her finger into Poppy’s mouth. “Goodness me, Emily, you’re like a cat on a hot tin roof. She’s fine, look, see?”
“I’d prefer it if you didn’t do that,” I said, as calmly as I could, while my insides bubbled furiously.
“Just because she cries doesn’t mean she’s hungry,” she said. “Sometimes she just wants comforting, and if this soothes her, then that can’t be a bad thing, can it?”
“I don’t want her relying on a comforter,” I said quietly. “It’s also not very hygienic.”
“Honestly, it’s madness these days,” she said. “You’re told to buy expensive sterilizing equipment and all these fancy mod cons. In our day, if a dummy fell onto the floor, you just picked it up, stuck it in your own mouth, and gave it straight back to the baby. And look at my two boys now. It’s not done them any harm, has it?”
“We’re new to this game, Mum,” said Adam, finally sticking up for me. “It’s all trial and error to see what works and what doesn’t.”
I looked at him gratefully.
“All I’m saying is, don’t get too precious. They’re hardy little things and don’t want for much. If she cries, leave her for a bit. You’ll be making a rod for your own back if you go rushing to feed her every time.”
I looked at my watch. Pammie hadn’t even been here for fifteen minutes.
Later, after forced conversation, while eating Adam’s chicken pasta, I made my excuses and went to bed, taking Poppy with me. The last thing I heard as I shut the door to my sanctuary was Pammie’s voice saying, “She’s not eating enough. She needs all her nutrients for the baby.”
Adam still wasn’t in bed when Poppy woke up for her midnight feed, but I thought I could hear the TV on in the lounge. I vaguely remembered him coming in later, but I wasn’t sure what time it was. I wasn’t even sure what day it was, as they all seemed to merge into one. If Poppy slept, then I slept, and all was still quiet when I woke at six A.M. My first thought was, Yes! She’s slept for over five hours. My second was, Shit, is she still breathing?
I leaned over to her Moses basket and saw her pink blanket and muslin square. I listened in the half-light for her snuffles, but the only sound was the early-morning tweets of the birds. I tried to adjust my eyes, rubbing at them when the focus was still blurry. I could see the blanket and muslin, but they looked flat, as if they were lying on the mattress without a baby in between. I sat bolt upright and thrust my hand into the cot, but it was cold and unmoving.
I ran to the light switch by the door, my legs buckling beneath me as adrenaline took hold.
“What the—?” cried Adam, as the room was illuminated.
I gasped as I reached the empty basket. “The baby. Where’s the baby?”
“What?” said Adam, still confused and dazed.
“She’s not here. Poppy’s not here.” I was sobbing and screaming in equal measure, as we collided into each other in our effort to get through the bedroom door. “Pammie! Poppy!”
“Mum?” shouted Adam as he jumped down to the mezzanine and into the spare room. I could see from where I stood at the top of the landing that the curtains had been pulled back and the bed was made and empty.
I sank to the floor. “She’s taken the baby,” I cried.
Adam rushed past me into the living room and kitchen, but I knew she wasn’t there. I could sense it.
“She’s taken the baby,” I cried again and again.
Adam came to me and pulled me up to my feet, gripping hold of my arms tightly. “Pull yourself together,” he snapped.
I wished he would just slap me to put me out of my misery. So that I could wake up when the nightmare was over, with Poppy safely back in my arms.
“The bitch,” I screamed. “I knew she’d do this. This is what she’s been planning all along.”
“For God’s sake, get a grip,” said Adam.
“I told you. I told you she was a psycho. You wouldn’t believe me, but I was right, wasn’t I?”
“You need to calm down and watch what you’re saying,” he said. “I’m warning you.”
He called Pammie’s phone, but it just rang off.
“Call the police,” I said hoarsely. “Call the goddamn police right now.”
“Listen to yourself,” he yelled. “We’re not calling the police. Our daughter has gone out with her grandmother. It’s not a crime.”
I sat on the sofa, sobbing hysterically, my breasts seeping milk through my nightie.
“She’s going to do something crazy, I know she is. You don’t know what she’s capable of. I swear to God, if she’s hurt Poppy, I’ll kill her.”
Every pent-up emotion rose to the surface: the hate, the hurt, but mostly the fear. The fear that I’d carried around with me ever since I found out what she’d done to Rebecca. There was no one in the world who I hated more, and no one in the world who I was more scared of.
“You need to find her, Adam, I swear to God.”
“Who are you threatening?” Adam hissed, his face close to mine. “I’m not even going to listen to your psychotic ramblings until you calm down.”
I watched helplessly as he pulled on jeans and a T-shirt. “Where are you going?” I said.
“Well, she couldn’t have gone far, could she? You’ll probably find she’s taken her for a walk. Wouldn’t that be something, eh?”
“She’s done this on purpose,” I yelled after him, as he took the stairs two at a time. “I hope you’re happy. You and your fucked-up family.”
I paced the flat as I waited for Adam to call; the longer he was gone, the more I was convinced that she’d done something. All I kept seeing was Pammie cradling Poppy, telling her it was going to be all right, all the time knowing it wasn’t. Adam’s mobile went straight to voice mail and I threw the phone against the wall, screaming in frustration.
“Where are you?” I howled, falling to my knees. I curled myself up into a ball and lay on the carpet. I couldn’t imagine being in greater pain.
I didn’t know how much time had passed when my mobile rang and I scrambled to reach it, its screen now smashed into smithereens. “Is she okay? Have you got her?” I asked. I held my breath as I waited for the reply.
“Of course I’ve got her,” said Pammie, after a long pause.
I sat up, my heart beating twice as fast as it should have been. I’d expected to hear Adam’s voice and the air felt like it was being sucked out of me.
“Bring her back,” I said between gritted teeth. “Bring her back right now.”
Pammie laughed lightly. “Or what?”
“Or I’ll fucking kill you,” I said. “You’ve got three minutes to get back here with my baby or I’m calling the police, and you’d better hope that they get to you before I do.”
“Goodness me,” she cooed. “I don’t understand why you’re getting so stressed. Did you not get the text I sent you earlier?”
“What text?” I yelled.
“Hold on,” she said. I heard my phone ping. “That one.”
I looked at the shattered screen and could just make out the words: Didn’t want to wake you. Poppy is awake, so I’m going to take her to Greenwich Park. Leave you to have a lie-in. Love Pammie x
“You’ve only just sent this,” I hissed.
“No, dear, I sent it about an hour ago, before I even left the flat. I didn’t want you to get all worked up. Perhaps it didn’t go through straightaway.”
I stared at the phone blankly. I had no words.
“Anyways, we’re on our way back now, so should be with you within ten minutes. Am sure she’ll be hungry by then.”
The line went dead, and I hugged my knees, rocking back and forth, wondering if I was going mad.
A little while later, I heard Adam thumping up the stairs. I had no idea whether ten minutes or ten hours had passed. “There’s no sign of them, but I’m sure there’s a valid reason.”
He looked at me on the floor, soaked in milk, tears, and insanity. “They’re coming home,” I said quietly.
I watched his shoulders relax, the tension ebb out of him, proving he wasn’t as nonchalant as he seemed. “Where are they?” he asked breathlessly.
“In Greenwich Park. It appears Pammie was doing us a favor.” I gave a soulless laugh. “Who knew that your mother could be so considerate? To take our baby from beside our bed and disappear.”
“I think you’ve said enough,” he barked. “Go and get yourself cleaned up.”
“Take control” was what I said to myself repeatedly, as I splashed cold water onto my puffy face. But by the time I was dabbing myself dry, I was already crying again. Who was I kidding? I didn’t have the control—she did, as she always did. I buried my face in the towel one more time, willing myself to summon the courage I needed. “Enough, Emily,” I said out loud. “No more.”
I heard Poppy’s cry before I saw her, and rushed down the stairs toward the sound. Pammie was standing there, without a care in the world, with Poppy on her shoulder. “I think this missy wants feeding,” she said, a hint of a smile on her lips.
“Get out of my house,” I hissed.
“Excuse me?” she said before immediately dissolving into loud sobs.
Adam came rushing down the stairs. “What’s going on?”
“Oh, darling, I’m so sorry,” she said. “I never meant to upset anyone. I thought I was being helpful.…”
She looked up at him, her eyes imploring him to believe her, but I already knew he did.
I snatched Poppy from her and started to go back upstairs. “That bitch better not be here when I come back out,” I said to Adam.
I stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me, got Poppy latched on, and sobbed until I couldn’t sob anymore.