By the time the christening came around, I’d worked myself into a frenzy about seeing Pammie, James, and, for some reason or another, Kate. In my mind’s eye, she’d gone from being an ally, the only person who could possibly relate to me, to Pammie’s partner in crime. It gave Pammie more power to goad me with, and I found the prospect of seeing them together intimidating.
I’d bought a new dress for the occasion, something to give me confidence, I’d reasoned to myself, to ease the guilt when handing my credit card over.
“Blimey, that’s a bit bright, isn’t it?” commented Adam. “I’ll need sunglasses.”
“Too much?” I asked, looking down at the canary-yellow chiffon. I felt good in it. The asymmetrical cut gave me my pre-baby shape back—no one needed to know I was bound up with Spanx underneath.
“No, I like it,” said Adam. “I’m just glad the daffodil season is over, as otherwise we’d have the devil’s own job to find you.”
He laughed as I hit him with my clutch bag.
Poppy was looking on from the middle of our bed, happily gurgling away as her parents bickered.
“Good job I put a bib on you, missy,” I said, scooping her up in a ball of ivory taffeta. “We can’t have you dribbling down your dress, can we?”
“Are you sure she wouldn’t be more comfortable in a Gap all-in-one?” Adam asked, as he struggled to get her and her oversized gown into the car seat.
I tutted and pushed his fumbling hand out of the way. “There it is.” I laughed as I burrowed deep into the fabric to retrieve a strap. “Now, where’s the other one?”
“We should have got her a Cinderella carriage,” he joked. “She’d look right at home in that.”
I didn’t want to jinx it, but it finally felt like we were getting our old rapport back, on the way to becoming the couple we had once been. I couldn’t wait to get to the church to show the doubters that we’d made it. Show them that, despite everything they’d tried to throw at us, we’d still survived. I didn’t know why I thought of it as them when in reality it was only her, but sometimes it just felt like the whole world was against me, and I struggled to keep things in perspective. But not today, because I had what she wanted. I’d won.
We greeted our guests as they filed through the church gate, me happily batting away Adam’s rugby mates’ jibes about my resemblance to a bumblebee. I saw James and Kate get out of their car just up the lane, and busied myself with overexaggerated hellos. I fussed over my cousin Fran’s young boy, and bent down, with Poppy in my arms, to introduce her to another baby in a buggy. Anything to take my mind off the impending arrival of the Banks clan. Without even realizing, I’d turned my back, but I could hear people behind me saying hello and asking Pammie how she was feeling.
I coughed to clear the lump in my throat and started counting down from ten in my head, to give me time to put my face on before I turned around. Just pretend everything’s normal, I said to myself. You can do this.
“Good to see you, Pamela,” I said, spinning round, already on full offensive. “You look—”
I sucked the word “well” back in. What I was greeted with stopped me in my tracks, rendering me speechless. Pammie was completely bald, her eyebrows were missing, and her face was bloated. I was paralyzed with shock. I needed to say something, anything, as the three of them stood there waiting, but I just couldn’t put the words together.
“Hi, Em,” said James, leaning in to kiss me. “It’s been a while. You okay?” It wasn’t a question that warranted answering.
“Em,” Kate cried. “You look gorgeous, and Poppy—wow!”
I stuttered a response. Pammie and I stood there for a split second, sizing each other up, neither of us sure how to react. We somehow met in the middle, our limbs colliding awkwardly. She pulled me toward her and held me. “It’s lovely to see you,” she whispered hoarsely. “You look beautiful.”
My breath caught in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t know what it was. I was just struck by her words, not what she said but the way she said it. For the first time, I could almost hear a sincerity in her voice, as if she really meant it. But perhaps I was allowing her appearance to play with my mind. I fixed a smile on and searched desperately for Adam. I needed him with me.
“If you’ll excuse me,” I said, extricating myself and Poppy. I headed in Adam’s direction, but Mum caught my hand as I passed by.
“Is that Pammie?” she asked, confused.
I nodded numbly.
“But how…”
I shook my head. “I really don’t know” was the best I could offer. “Can you just take Poppy for a minute?”
“Of course,” she said, her concerned face instantly breaking into a wide grin as her granddaughter gurgled happily at her.
I caught Pippa’s eye as I reached Adam. She looked as shocked as I felt. I could do nothing but shrug at her.
I willed my brain to focus, but the wires literally felt like they were crossing over and sparking off as they made the wrong connections. I needed to see Pammie again, just to make sure, but I dare not turn around, as I was sure I could feel three pairs of eyes on my back. Would she really have gone that far to convince people she was telling the truth? I pictured her face, with its puffy cheeks and sunken eyes. Was that even possible?
I needed to think of the right words before I reached Adam, knowing that the wrong ones would set us back for months. “You didn’t tell me your mum was…” I didn’t know how to finish the sentence.
“Ill?” he said.
I nodded.
“You didn’t ask,” he said tightly. “Because you didn’t care.”
I thought back to the times he’d tried to talk to me, and every time I’d shut him down. I felt a wave of a nauseous guilt wash over me.
Every time I looked over at Pammie, she was watching me. Every time I sensed her coming toward me, I invented a reason to move. I didn’t know if I was more frightened to talk to her in case she told me she was really ill, or because of the very real possibility that she’d gone to such lengths to keep up the pretense. I didn’t know how to respond in either case.
James caught me just as I was heading toward the ladies’.
“That was a lovely service, Em. I’ve not had a chance to thank you for asking Kate and I to be Poppy’s godparents.”
“It wasn’t my choice,” I replied without stopping.
“How are things?” he asked.
I turned to look at him, searching his eyes for recognition of what he’d done to me and why. But they were the same as they’d always been. Warm and kind.
“Fine,” I said tartly.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “After the wedding and everything?”
“We’re working on it,” I said abruptly.
“What have I done to upset you?”
“Your mother told me everything,” I said. “I thought you were on my side. I naively believed that what we had was—”
“It was,” he said, cutting across me.
I gave a hollow laugh.
“I am on your side…” he said. “And I’ll always be, but you made your feelings quite clear, remember?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “So, while I’m confiding in you, you’re running straight back to Pammie and telling her everything?”
“What? No,” he said sharply. “I never repeated anything that you said, apart from when you told me that nothing could come of us.”
“So, she didn’t tell you to come on to me? You weren’t doing it under orders?”
“What?” he said, screwing his face up as if he were unable to comprehend what I was saying. “No. What do you take me for? I’d never do that. I told her I had feelings for you, and how guilty I felt about it.… I confided in her because she’s my mother.”
I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
“You have to believe me,” he said.
“Hey, little brother,” called out Adam as he sidled up to him. “What’s she got to believe?”
James’s face colored. “Nothing. It was nothing.”
“No, come on, I’m all ears,” went on Adam, his speech a little slurred. “Why is my lovely lady here calling you a liar?”
“We were just joking around,” offered James unconvincingly.
“Nah, I’m not having that, fella,” said Adam. Both James and I knew him well enough to know that he was getting boorish, fueled by alcohol and paranoia.
I put my hands on his chest and looked up at him, trying to engage him.
“We’re just having a joke,” I said. “James is trying to wind me up. And he’s doing a good job of it too.” I gave him a playful slap on the arm.
I tried to guide Adam away, but he wouldn’t let it drop. “So, what didn’t you believe?” he asked again.
I gave a big sigh. “For God’s sake, we were just fooling around. It was nothing.”
“It didn’t look like nothing,” he said petulantly.
I stopped him in his tracks and put my arms around his waist as he turned to face me. “I love you,” I said, reaching up and kissing him on the lips. “Now go be with your mates. Enjoy yourself, and I’ll see you later.”
He kissed me back. “I love you too.”
As I walked back in, Pammie was at the doorway, practically ready to pounce. “Emily?” she said, almost in surprise, even though she’d clearly been standing there waiting for me. I ignored her, but when she called out a second time, loud enough for others to hear, I had to acknowledge her for fear of causing a scene.
She stood in front of me, as if waiting, and I honestly didn’t know what to say. There was so much rage bubbling up within me, but as I looked at her, really looked at her, the anger gave way to confusion. The whites of her eyes were yellowed and her swollen skin, smooth and shiny, was pulled tight over her cheekbones. There was nothing I wouldn’t put past her, but this?
“Pamela” was all I could muster.
“Please don’t call me that,” she said quietly. “You know I don’t much care for it.”
“Look, if you’re going to start, I’m really not—”
“I’m not. There’s just something I need to say to you.”
“Whatever it is, I’m not remotely interested. There is nothing that you can say or do that will surprise me anymore. You are here because you have to be, as Adam’s mother, but don’t for a second think that there’s anything more to it than that. You can see Poppy whenever Adam sees fit to bring her down, but honestly, that’s where you and I end.”
She ran a hand over her hairless scalp and offered a small smile. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Truly sorry.”
I didn’t know what I had been expecting her to say, but “sorry” wasn’t on the list, especially given that there was no one else within earshot. She looked down, as if ashamed, but I’d seen that a thousand times before. She’d used it whenever she was backed into a corner and was on the verge of being found out. I’d been hoodwinked into falling for the Little Miss Naive act myself, but that was a long time ago. She was never going to fool me again.
“I really don’t have time for this,” I said. “This is my daughter’s christening and I have a room full of people, more deserving than you, whom I’d like to talk to and be with. I’m not going to stand here and waste my time on you.”
I tried not to look at her as I said it because her appearance was throwing me off track, making me feel guilty.
“I understand that,” she said. “And I don’t blame you, but I just want you to know that I’m truly sorry. I never meant to do what I did to you, and I know that you’ll never forgive me, but I haven’t got much longer, and I wanted to at least try and make amends before it’s too late. Please.”
She reached a hand out to me, and I backed away, but she kept coming forward, falling toward me.
There was a split-second hush all around us, and then a sudden rush to catch her before she fell to the floor. If anyone had caught it on a slow-motion camera, they would have seen me, walking backward, with my arms up in the air. I was the only one who could possibly have cushioned the blow, yet while everyone was moving forward in vain, I was moving away.
There was a collective gasp as she hit the unforgiving wooden floor.
“Mum!” called out James. “Pammie!” cried everyone else.
“What the…” shouted Adam, as he ran forward and fell to his knees. “What the hell happened?” He turned to look at me for an answer, but I just shrugged. “Why would I think to ask you?”
I could hear a sharp intake of breath from the crowd that had now gathered.
“That’s enough,” said James. “Mum…”
“I’m okay,” she managed, as she was helped up to a sitting position. “I just lost my footing. I’m okay.”
She’d done it again.
I weaved away through the throng, trying to find Poppy, whom I’d last seen with Mum. “I want to go,” I said as I reached her.
“What on earth’s going on?” she asked. “She couldn’t fake this, surely?”
I shook my head. I didn’t know what to think anymore.
“Can you and Dad take me home?” I asked.
Dad looked at his watch. “It’s getting late anyway,” he said, as if he needed an excuse. “I’ll bring the car round.”
I gathered up the presents that had been brought for Poppy, and said discreet goodbyes to Pippa and my Auntie Bet. They were the only people still there whom I cared about; the rest consisted of Adam’s rugby crowd and a few of his work colleagues. None of which would even be aware that I’d been there, let alone gone.
“You okay?” said Pippa, as I hurriedly rounded things up. “Do you want me to come with you?”
I shook my head. “I just want to go home and put my pajamas on,” I said honestly.
She smiled. “I know the feeling. I’ll give you a call in the morning.”
I gave her a kiss and ducked out the door.
Mum insisted on coming into the flat with me, to get me settled. “I’m twenty-seven,” I replied, half laughing.
“You’re never too old for your mum to care about you,” she said. “You sure you’re going to be okay?”
I nodded. “I can’t see Adam being much longer. The bar will be shut in an hour or so.”
“Whatever’s going on, please don’t let it get to you,” she said, kissing me on the forehead. “You’re doing a great job, and we’re very proud of you.” I had tears in my eyes as I gave her a hug and begrudgingly waved them off.