Sam wearily sat back down at his desk, and it took him a moment to put his headset back on. Cynthia glanced around her own monitor to raise an eyebrow at him. “Office call, eh?”
Sam bit his lip. He often didn’t know how to respond when Cynthia spoke to him.
“Oh, you know,” he said gamely. “Sometimes they need to yell at someone in person.”
She huffed a laugh. “Don’t I know it.”
Interaction over, they both turned back to their screens. Sam had to type up the report of his office visit, which needed to include why he had personally gone by instead of just fixing the problem with TeamViewer like he was supposed to.
He couldn’t very well write “Because my father insisted,” though, so he maybe fudged the trouble a bit to make it seem as though the solution was more difficult than it had been.
He was unable to stop the small sigh that escaped him as he wrote. Sometimes he wished, just a little, that his parents treated him a bit more like they did Charlie. More often he at least dreamed that he and his father worked at different companies.
He flicked his eyes over at Cynthia’s monitor. She had gotten a call and was asking a question in bright, bubbly tones. “It’s the way to do it,” she had told him once, after a particularly angry client had Sam needing to turn off his headset and just breathe. “If they become upset at you telling them to do something simple, just repeat yourself with more exclamation marks. Helps to just steamroll their bad mood.”
Cynthia was an interesting woman. She had told him once, cheerfully, that she was utterly without ambition. She went to work, got to sit and talk on the phone all day, went home to her cat and her husband, and that was a pretty well-rounded week for her.
Sam had no qualms going home to his empty apartment of course. It was wonderfully devoid of people and their social expectations. Though lately he had come to be a touch envious of Cynthia. To have someone she loved so close by. To not mind the work she was doing, even if it wasn’t necessarily her dream job.
But while Dovid lived far away, Sam wouldn’t trade him for anything. He was so, so lucky to have Dovid in his life. And today, for the next few days, Sam did have him to come home to. As for his displeasure with work, well, with Dovid and Rachel both talking to him about Patreon, coupled with the fact that his channel really was doing well in terms of ad revenue...
“There you go,” Cynthia said. Sam jerked his head up at the sound of her voice. “Couldn’t ruin your good mood too long, with your weekend plans, hm?” When she’d asked, Sam had told her he had someone special in for a visit. She’d winked at him, which had left Sam utterly nonplussed.
Now she was grinning. And, hesitatingly, Sam grinned back.
When it was finally time to leave work, Sam raced home, filled with yet another mixture of excitement and anxiety. It seemed as though he went through a different flavor of it every day, in the time leading up to and surrounding Dovid’s visit.
But tonight, Dovid was going to come to Sam’s apartment after dinner. And spend the night. In Sam’s bed, with him. Tomorrow Sam didn’t have work, so they could wake up together at a decent hour, have breakfast together, and just enjoy the whole day.
Sam was so happy he could hardly stand it, and so nervous he felt as though he might burst. He hoped Dovid liked his flat. He’d ended up leaving the main room as it had started, just making sure everything was picked up and swept clean, but he’d moved things around in his bedroom so that his furniture was more back against walls instead of dividing it in half, and he’d found that he quite liked the change. It made things a bit more open and airy.
Sam’s flat was up a set of stairs, and he shared a hall with the residents who lived below him. It was fairly easy to navigate he thought, but he hoped it’d be alright for Dovid. Then again, the Airbnb Dovid was staying at was also up a flight of stairs, so maybe Sam was silly to worry.
He gave his flat one last nervous once-over and then had to leave so that he wouldn’t be late to the pub where he was meeting Dovid and Rachel for dinner. Rachel had been looking forward to talking to him too, apparently, and Sam liked her. He didn’t at all mind spending more time with her. They’d decided that they’d spend the evening continuing to brainstorm with Sam about his channel, and then Rachel would go back to their Airbnb while Dovid went home with Sam. They were going to have all of Friday night and Saturday together, for a date day.
He got to the pub and didn’t see either of them, so he bypassed the bar and went over to get a table, taking out his phone to text Dovid to let them know he’d arrived.
He’d only just finished sending the text when he caught sight of Rachel and Dovid coming in.
Sam got up to meet them. “Hello.”
“Hey,” Dovid said, turning towards him. “Fancy meeting you here.”
Rachel rolled her eyes. “Honestly. Now then, food time. We had a pretty full day of being led around and filming. I’m ready to eat again. Sam? Where did you want to sit?”
“I had thought to get a table instead of going to the bar. It’s not as, ah, friendly? But it’ll be a little quieter, for talking.”
“Then table it is,” Dovid said, reaching a hand out. Sam took it. “Lead the way.”
They took a seat and Sam, at Dovid’s request, read the menu aloud to him and made some suggestions on what to order. They all also got drinks, because Dublin was, if nothing else, a walking town. Sam’s own flat was only about fifteen minutes’ walk from the pub, and it was a beautiful evening. July in Ireland meant the sun was out til quite late, with it getting cooler as the day wore on. It would be fine to walk back after dinner. And he was looking forward to enjoying an evening stroll with Dovid.
“So,” Sam asked. “How was your day?”
Dovid waved a hand. “Meh. Filmed a bunch of stuff. How was your day?”
Sam had to laugh. “Oh come, it must have been slightly more exciting than that?”
Rachel flicked Dovid on his side. “We did a lot of architecture stuff. So he’s feeling a little left out.”
Dovid shrugged. “It’s more Rachel’s thing than mine. I mean, I can feel things? When I’m allowed to touch. But the majestic beauty of buildings is sort of lost on me.”
“Oh dear, I can see how that might make a dull day.”
“Don’t get me wrong—the facts were pretty cool and stuff. Just...we smushed a lot into the day since it was our last official day of filming. And museums sometimes make me tired.”
“Did you at least go to some interesting ones?”
“Yeah, a few.”
Sam smiled. “Oh good. There’s that at least. Did you enjoy the National Leprechaun Museum?”
Dovid raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me? The what?”
Sam was aghast. “They didn’t take you to the NLM?”
“No,” Rachel said slowly. “But that sounds amazing. What is it?”
“It’s a museum about Irish folklore. Hands-on. It’s really quite wonderful. They have guided tours every day. And a darkland tour, Friday and Saturday evening.”
“Darkland?” Dovid asked.
“Tales of the darker kind,” Sam explained. “I believe it’s adults only.”
“Oh man,” Dovid said. “Can we go?”
“Tonight?”
Dovid shook his head. “No, not tonight, but tomorrow? That sounds like a fun way to end a date day. I like being spooked. And I like stories.”
Sam grinned. “Of course. That sounds like a lot of fun.”
“And uh, you said they do normal guided tours?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to do that maybe Sunday? With Rachel, if she wants to and you don’t mind if she comes.”
“Of course I want to,” Rachel said at the same time Sam said, “I don’t mind at all.”
Silence.
Rachel laughed. “I like you.”
Sam smiled. “Oh good, I’m so glad. It would have been very unfortunate if you didn’t like me.”
“Nah,” Dovid said, “I wouldn’t let her not like you.”
“Excuse you, I was the one who liked Sam first, remember?”
“True. I’m still grateful.”
Rachel wrinkled her nose. “Oh, stop.”
Dovid raised an eyebrow. “Hey, you make up your mind. Do you want me to be grateful or don’t you?”
“He’s this ball of mush when it comes to you,” she told Sam. “Honestly, it’s a little ridiculous.”
“Excuse me, I’m a cool, suave YouTube star.”
“That’s what you hope your fans think.”
“I feel he’s plenty cool and suave,” Sam said with a grin.
“See? Sam thinks so.”
“Sam loves you.”
“So? That just means he’s the only one who really matters.”
“Boys,” Rachel said, managing to sound both delighted and disgusted at the same time.
“No, but really,” Dovid said, “Can we make that a plan? Darkland tomorrow night with you and the regular tour Sunday all three of us?”
“Of course. I think that’d be wonderful.”
Rachel clapped. “Yay!”
“Now then,” Dovid said, “how did your day go?”
“Oh,” Sam said. “It was fine. Nothing majorly stressful today, which was a nice change of pace. But otherwise quite unexciting.”
“In short, you hated it?”
Sam averted his eyes, not that Dovid could see. “Well, I—I won’t pretend that I loved it. But again, it wasn’t too stressful today. And hardly anyone yelled at me.” Only his father of course. Sam did so wish he worked sales at a different company. Only, his father wasn’t all that computer literate, so these sorts of issues happened a bit more than once in a while, and he always requested Sam specifically.
Sometimes Sam even had it in him to wonder if his father made said requests so he had someone in particular to be cross at.
Then again, it wasn’t his father’s fault that computers weren’t his thing. He was brilliant in sales, and it was no doubt frustrating to have the same issues over and over. If Sam could help alleviate some of that frustration, it was his job to do so. Both figuratively and literally.
Dovid sighed. “Hardly anyone still means at least one person did.” Dovid was not a fan of the way Sam was sometimes treated in IT.
“It’s really alright.” Sam tried to sound reassuring. “It’s just how my father communicates, I think.”
“Wait, your dad? Your dad’s the one who yelled at you?”
Oh dear. Sam hadn’t meant to say that. The last thing he wanted was for Dovid to form a poor opinion of Sam’s father. He was a good man; it was Sam’s own failing that he was such a disappointment to him. He shrugged. “He was just upset about the computer bug.”
“Oh.” Dovid frowned. “Well then. He must’ve been happy when you fixed it.”
Sam had to let out a self-deprecating chuckle. He didn’t think he’d ever made his father happy doing anything.
“What? What’s funny?”
And that was probably another thing he shouldn’t be telling Dovid or Rachel. “Nothing. Really.”
“Oh,” Dovid said again. “Um. Okay.”
“So,” Rachel said. “Did you think any more about Patreon?”
Sam was grateful at the subject change, and eager to further discuss the service. “A little.” All through the work day, actually, when he wasn’t daydreaming about seeing Dovid again. “And I really do like the idea of it. Though I worry about a few things.”
“Yeah? Like what?”
“Mostly content,” he said. “The weekend is really when I have the time and energy to record and upload videos. I thought over trying to upload a Patreon-only series, like you suggested, but I just can’t think of when.”
“You can’t do it on a weekday?” she asked.
“I could try. I’d worry about being able to keep it up. Sometimes when I’m done at work...by the time I get home, the very last thing I want to do is talk more. I babble enough Friday night and Sunday afternoon when I record.” Sam sighed and wished he were better than this. This was something he wanted to do so much, and he still had excuses. “I’m sorry, it must sound so silly to you, since you do this practically every day.”
“Not at all,” Dovid said. “You only have so much energy in a day, right? And with you being an introvert, working your day job saps a lot of it. I get it.”
“What about doing a shorter video?” Rachel suggested. “All your current uploads are forty-five minutes to an hour. That’s a lot of talking. But your Brightforest review was only about fifteen minutes long, even if your playthrough is your regular forty-five. What if you did a weekly Patreon video, that released on, oh, Wednesday evening when you were done with work, but you only played and talked for like ten or twenty minutes? It’s bonus reward content, so most people wouldn’t mind that it’s a shorter video.”
Sam considered the idea. Twenty minutes of straight talking did seem a lot more feasible than twice or triple that. “I think that might be okay,” he said after a moment. “I could probably keep that up.”
“Awesome,” Dovid said. “Want to talk reward levels?”
“Oh yes, please.” He’d been browsing the Patreon website on his phone, to get a better idea of what people did for rewards, but it had gotten a little overwhelming. Dovid and Rachel always managed to break everything down in easy, much more manageable bite-sizes.
“Cool, well, for our Patreon, we have three tiers. One dollar, five dollars, and ten dollars. One dollar is just a thank-you tier. People donate because they like us, and we post some of our brainstorming about video projects and stuff, including some polls we don’t put up on social media. Five dollars and they get a link to see our videos before they go publicly live. So we upload Monday’s video on Sunday, and Patreon gets the link for it first. Ten dollars and they get the video link, but also an exclusive-to-Patreon something that we release once a month.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Sometimes it’s a Patreon-only video, sometimes it’s a song I’ve written that they get the free download for. And once in a while we host Patreon-only giveaways, on top of the giveaways that we have on our regular channel. Like we said before, Patreon is a great way to supplement your income on top of YouTube view count.”
Sam nodded thoughtfully. Three reward tiers seemed to be a bit much, especially since he wasn’t as creative as Dovid, but if he did a Patreon-only series for one tier, and maybe also did an early-release link for the other...
“Speaking of giveaways,” Rachel said, “Dovid said that you were offered a Loot Crate box to review?”
“Yes. I’m guessing you both think I should do it.”
“Should nothing,” Dovid said. “Do it if you want to. But I won’t lie and tell you I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“If you want,” Rachel said, “I could help you film it. I mean, not while I’m here obviously, because you won’t get the box in time, but I could give you some pointers about doing something in front of the camera while staying out of the camera.”
“Oh! That would be much appreciated actually.” Sam had wanted to do the unboxing, since it had seemed like it would be fun, but he had been nervous about letting his viewers actually see what he looked like. Dovid, for instance, was so handsome, with his curly black hair and strong jaw, the build of his body. It was no wonder he was teased about showing off. Sam was just... Sam. And he didn’t mind what he looked like, even less so now that he had Dovid so wonderfully adamant he found Sam attractive. But he knew that media consumers tended to care about that sort of thing.
“Awesome. We can do that Sunday too, if you want.”
“I’d really appreciate that. Also, ah, maybe you might be willing to look the video over, before I posted it? I just worry about sounding dull on camera, if all I’m doing is opening a present.”
“Even better idea,” Dovid said. “Why don’t we go to a toy store or something and buy you a couple of blind boxes? You can do a mini-unboxing with Rachel’s help. Shouldn’t be longer than a five or six minute video so you couldn’t monetize it, but it’d be a good way to experiment. Slap on some music, throw it up mostly uncut and boom, you’ve got a new video. You could even use it to announce the fact that you’re starting a Patreon account. I mean, it’s just a suggestion, absolutely no problem if you don’t want to, but it’s an idea.”
“No, no,” Sam said, mind whirling with possibilities. “I—I think it’s a fine idea. And if you two are really so set on helping me with this, I appreciate it so much.”
“Sure thing,” Rachel said, right as Dovid said, “Of course.” They both stopped and grinned.
Sam had to smile too.
“So, if you don’t mind my asking,” Dovid said, as they ate dinner—it was all delicious. “And feel free to tell me to shut up, but what are the figures you’re looking at, in terms of YouTube and Ko-fi income right now? I mean, from view count alone they should be getting up there depending on adblock users. But if you gave us a ballpark, or even some more long-term goals, that’d be an excellent thing to add to your plan.”
“My plan?” Sam asked.
Dovid nodded. “Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you’re looking to grow. Or at least are interested in it.”
“I am. So much so, really. I just...”
“Hey,” Dovid said, rushing to assure him, “if you don’t want to talk about this, or you don’t want to do anything else relating to YouTube, tell me. I’ll stop right now.”
“It’s not that,” Sam said. “It’s more that...that I really do want it to work. The way you two live your lives and talk about what you do...the idea that I’d get to be independent like that but as a gamer is...it’s incredibly appealing.” More hesitation before, quietly, “It would be a dream come true. I just don’t know if I can. I’m not... I’m not all that good at very much.”
Dovid scowled. “Who told you that?”
“Wh-what?”
“Who told you you’re not good enough? Because, uh, last time I checked, you were a great gamer, an interesting Let’s Player, and a rising YouTube sensation. None of which would be possible if you weren’t good at things.”
A quiet sigh. “I’m sorry. It’s a hard habit to break, you know? I’ve been this way all my life.”
Yeah, Dovid thought. With a dad that apparently yelled at you. He took a breath. “Sorry. Sorry, I get... worked up. I’ve been told I wasn’t good enough a lot in my life. People see that I can’t and they make a big deal about it. So it bothers me to hear someone talk about themselves like that. Get me?”
“I do.” Sam reached for his hand and squeezed. “I do. I’m sorry.”
Dovid tried to smile. “Hey, nothing to be sorry for. You’re right, it’s a hard habit to break. I just don’t like you thinking about yourself that way, is all.”
“Thank you.”
“Sure thing. Now back to the topic at hand, it’s appealing to be self-employed, huh?”
“It really is,” Sam said. “I mean, it’s also terrifying and uncertain and scary, but I like gaming and doing let’s plays. It seems like it’d be worth a try to make a play of it for real. I can always go back to IT if it doesn’t work out.”
“That’s true,” Rachel said. “That’s really true. That you’ve got a backup plan is awesome.”
“Thank you. And I, well, I’ve been saving most of my new income. Thinking about cushions, and all that.”
“Even better,” Dovid said. “But that also means we should talk tax laws. We haven’t yet, and I’m not sure how Ireland’s work, but you really want to know sooner over later how to declare your new income. I probably should have brought it up before, to be honest. Hopefully if we figure out what you need to do now, you won’t get any penalties. Or they won’t be so bad.”
Rachel laughed. “Fun evening, huh?”
“Oh, quite,” Sam said. He sounded like he was smiling. “This is all so good to know. And I’m enjoying myself immensely.”
They said goodbye to Rachel outside the pub, and then Dovid offered Sam his arm as they walked towards Sam’s flat. Dovid noticed how, after several minutes of walking, some of the noise died down, especially the hustle and bustle of the general evening crowd.
“It’s quieter,” he said.
“A bit, yes. I live on a cul-de-sac, just a touch out of the way. I think it’s very nice.”
Dovid smiled. “Well, it sounds nice.”
“So here it is,” Sam said, as he put a hand on Dovid’s shoulder to stop them from walking any farther. “This is my building.”
“It looks great,” Dovid said, tilting his face up.
Sam chuckled. “It is actually a rather nice building. It’s old brick. Here, the door is just this way. And then I’m up the stairs and down the hall.”
“Lead the way.”
Sam was an excellent leader. He didn’t walk too fast, kept making sure that Dovid was following along, and kept up a steady stream of chatter that was easy to follow as well. Soon enough they were at Sam’s door. Dovid swallowed, suddenly nervous, and grabbed the straps of his backpack. He’d brought enough for an overnight or two. Because this was it. He was at Sam’s house.
“Let me show you around,” Sam said, as he ushered Dovid inside. “The layout is actually fairly open so, erm, so hopefully it won’t be too hard for you.”
“You sound about as nervous as I feel,” Dovid laughed.
“You’re nervous too?”
“Oh yeah. Butterflies in my whole body, not just my stomach.” He reached out for Sam’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Every time I’m, like, reminded I’m here with you, I get nervous all over again. I just want you to like me so much.”
“I do like you so much,” Sam said. “You’re as wonderful as I thought you were before we even started dating.”
“Yeah?”
“I thought you were wonderful when I saw your video where you plugged my channel. And then in all the videos after that.” Sam laced his fingers through Dovid’s own.
Dovid grinned. “Same here. But I knew about you before you knew about me, so I get extra points.”
“Points? What are we going for, here?”
“Not sure yet. But it’ll be something cool.”
“Whatever you say,” Sam said, sounding amused.
“I do say. Now then, you were showing me around?”
The layout of the apartment did end up being super simple to navigate. The kitchen/living space was one big open, airy room with the kitchen setup taking up one length of the wall, a kitchen table opposite the fridge, a couch dividing the rest of the room up, and a desk setup tucked away on one side.
“Is this where the magic happens?” Dovid asked, running his hands over the wooden table.
“I suppose it is,” Sam said.
“What kind of setup do you have?”
“Nothing too outrageous. I’ve a computer, two monitors, speakers, and my mic headset.”
“Perfect for gaming. Not so much for opening blind boxes, but you could always do that on your couch. It’s a nice couch. In terms of feel anyway. If it’s covered in lime green polka dots it might not be the best for camera.”
Sam laughed. “Nothing that ostentatious. It’s just light blue.”
“Oh, light blue is good! Pale colors make good backgrounds. Things stand out more. Or so I’m told, anyway.”
“You’re the expert,” Sam said. “Now here, let me show you to the bedroom and bathroom.”
“Good idea. Need to be able to navigate both those places.”
“And we can set your bag down too.”
And maybe have fun together on the bed, Dovid thought. What could he say? He was an optimistic guy.
“Here’s the bedroom, and the bathroom is just through here,” Sam said, leading Dovid to another door. Dovid took stock of it, then went back into the bedroom where Sam was.
“Bathroom’s connected to your bedroom, huh? Bet that means you have to keep it tidy.”
Sam laughed. “I’m prone to tidiness anyway; it was sort of beaten into me by my parents.” Dovid went cold. What...was that just an expression or—Sam had laughed but—
Should he say something? Sam kept letting little things about his parents slip that were rapidly making Dovid inclined to hate them, but weren’t you like, not supposed to bring stuff like that up?
Sam had laughed.
“Anyway,” Sam said, since he was still talking, “it’s not as though I have guests over all that much.”
“As long as the floor is clear for me to navigate, I’m happy,” Dovid said, focusing back on the now. He shrugged off his backpack.
“Here,” Sam said. “Where would you like to set your bag?”
“On the floor at the foot of the bed is good. Easy to find.” So saying, Dovid went to do just that. When he stood again, he turned and held out a hand to Sam. Sam obligingly took it, stepping closer.
“I had a nice time tonight,” Dovid said, running his thumb over Sam’s knuckles. “I’m still having a nice time.”
“Me too,” Sam said, before lifting Dovid’s hand to his mouth and kissing his fingers.
Dovid’s hand flexed, pleasure washing through him, and then he was reaching for Sam to kiss him properly.
When they parted, Sam said, a little breathlessly, “I feel bad.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re here, and there’s so much we could be doing or I could be showing you, and instead all I really want is to curl up with you and not move.”
“That honestly sounds like the best idea,” Dovid said, before adding, with a wicked grin, “But maybe we could move some.”
“Really? You don’t mind that you’re not...out there? Exploring?”
Dovid went to sit on the bed, leading Sam to it to sit next to him. He took both of Sam’s hands in his, still reveling in the fact that he was able to. “Not really? I mean, first of all, it’s like nine at night. Most of what we could do is go out drinking. Choosing between that and staying home with you, I’d definitely pick staying home with you. Second of all, traveling and exploring and filming and editing is all Rachel and I have been doing these last few days. These last two weeks! It’s nice to be able to slow down a little and get some relaxing in. And third of all, I’m only going to get you in person for so long. I want to take advantage of every minute we have. Until you get sick of me, I mean.”
“I don’t see myself getting sick of you anytime soon,” Sam said.
“Aw, thanks. Right back atcha.” Dovid laughed. “Rachel’s been teasing me since we started the trip, about how we’d be in the honeymoon phase for the entirety of it. I was more nervous about meeting you in person because sometimes an online presence is different from an in-person one. I was worried we wouldn’t get along or that we even might not like each other face-to-face.”
“I had the same fears. I mean, I know you saw my videos, and of course we spoke and I loved those conversations but... I’m not the easiest with my words. When I text you, I can always take the time to go over things before I send them, to a point.”
“Yeah, I get that. My videos are the same way. I fix a lot of what I do in editing. So unless we put up a blooper reel, people don’t see my goofs.”
“I like your goofs.”
Dovid wasn’t going to stop smiling anytime soon.
True to Sam’s word, he did end up pulling Dovid down until they were both lying flat on top of his bedspread. Dovid made a pleased noise and shifted so that he was nestled into Sam’s side, his face pressed into the crook of Sam’s neck. Sam wrapped an arm around Dovid’s shoulders and closed his eyes, simply basking in Dovid’s presence, about the fact that they were still with each other, could still touch.
He did so love being able to just touch Dovid.
As the minutes passed, Sam drifting happily, Dovid’s fingers started stroking down his chest until they reached the hem of Sam’s shirt. He pressed a kiss to Sam’s neck and dipped his fingers underneath the fabric to stroke along Sam’s skin. “Okay?” Dovid murmured.
“Of course,” Sam said. Though he was a little surprised. Especially once Dovid moved against him and Sam could feel him, hard against his leg. “Oh.”
“Oh?”
“I—nothing, sorry—”
Dovid pulled back, braced himself so that he wasn’t lying on top of Sam anymore. His eyes were closed—Dovid had told him they normally were when he wasn’t wearing his glasses—but with anyone else it would have been a position to maintain eye contact. “You sound confused. What—did I do something—what did I do?”
Sam swallowed. And look at him, making such a nice time awkward. “Nothing! Really. Sorry, I—I guess I just wasn’t expecting...”
“Yeah?” Dovid prompted, when Sam trailed off.
“Sex,” Sam blurted out, feeling like a teenager. “I wasn’t, um, I wasn’t thinking about it, but I don’t mind that you were, of course I don’t, so—”
“Sam, it’s okay,” Dovid said, moving completely away until he was lying next to Sam again, but not touching him. Sam missed him at once. “It’s okay. I didn’t—I’m sorry if you...thought I was pushing you. You can always, always say no to me. Okay? Please do, if you need to. Please.”
“I wasn’t saying no.” Sam tried not to sound too desperate. “I just wasn’t thinking about it. Like I said, I really don’t mind. I just... I wasn’t... I don’t...” He reached for Dovid’s hand, curled their fingers together, pressed a kiss to Dovid’s knuckles.
Dovid exhaled shakily, clutching at Sam’s hand before relaxing a little. “Sam, wait. Wait. Not minding something and wanting to do something are two really different things.”
Were they? But Sam didn’t... “But I don’t mind,” Sam said again, grasping for the words he wanted. “I...it’s just not something I think about. I want to. I do. It just—it just—”
“You weren’t thinking about it,” Dovid finished, frowning.
Sam hated to disappoint him. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be upset.”
Dovid sucked in a breath, then quickly said, “I’m not upset. Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever, ever be sorry for telling me how you feel. Communication, right? That’s ridiculously important to me. Especially since I can’t get most visual clues.”
“Okay,” Sam said quietly.
Dovid squeezed Sam’s hand. “Sam, have you...ever thought about sex with another person before? Like, you know, wanting to do it?”
Sam swallowed. He was going to be honest, but here he was, about to disappoint Dovid again. “Not really. It never really crossed my mind. In passing sometimes, growing up with everyone else making such a deal of it, but I never...” He sighed. “Not until you. And it’s so important to you, I know it is.”
“Do you...does it bother you?”
“Oh no! No, not at all. I really do mean it when I said I don’t mind. It—it does feel nice. I do like what we’ve done so far. I’d like to continue learning about things with you. I...my favorite part is just being with you. Touching.”
Dovid squeezed Sam’s hand again, smiling fondly. “So you really like the cuddling.”
“Yes. So much.”
“Great. Me too. And kissing?”
“I—I like that.”
“But you could take or leave the sex?”
“Um.”
“Sam,” Dovid sounded careful but not angry. “Are you asexual?”
That brought Sam up short. “What?”
“Asexual,” Dovid said again.
“What—what’s that?”
Dovid stroked his thumb over the back of Sam’s hand. “It can mean different things to different people, but the general base is that an asexual person doesn’t feel sexual attraction to others. It often also means a low sex drive, though it doesn’t always. You can still like sex, or even want it, but in the end, for a lot of people...”
“You could take it or leave it,” Sam said reeling with disbelief. There was a word for him?
“Yeah. I mean, again, everyone sort of defines themselves—it’s a spectrum, you know? But Rachel’s asexual. She’s sex-repulsed though. It grosses her out.”
“It doesn’t gross me out,” Sam said slowly, working through his thoughts. “I quite enjoy being with you. The thought of continuing to be with you. And I really mean it when I said I don’t mind. I like being with you. And I know it makes you happy. So having sex with you is a way to make you happy that I also, um, enjoy.”
“But?” Dovid prompted, when Sam fell silent. “It sort of sounds like you have more you wanna say. Seriously, this is good. It’s great we’re talking about this. Please don’t worry that I’m going to be upset.”
Sam worried his lip with his teeth before saying, “I suppose it just comes down to the fact that you’re right. I love the cuddling and the kissing. I don’t often think about more than that.”
“And that’s okay.”
“But I—I want to be able to be more, for you.”
Dovid scooted forward again until he could rest his head on Sam’s shoulder. “All I want is for you to be happy and comfortable with what we do. I want you to feel safe. I want you to enjoy yourself. If you like sex, even if it doesn’t cross your mind to start something, I’d be so down for experimenting. And, you know, initiating stuff. But that also means you’ve got the right to tell me if you don’t feel like it.”
“That won’t bother you?”
“Nah.”
“Oh.” Sam wanted to believe him. That he wasn’t being a bother by...being the way he was. “Alright.”
Dovid pressed a kiss to Sam’s shoulder. “Sam?”
“Yes?”
“I love you. All of you, and all the ways you are. Okay?”
Regardless of how else Sam was feeling, that made him sigh happily. Dovid was only ever honest with him. If nothing else, Sam couldn’t doubt Dovid’s feelings.
And he had a word for himself now. There was a word for it, which meant there were other people like him. Including Rachel. And just like Dovid was sexual and happy, Sam was...was asexual. And still happy.
And Dovid loved him just the way he was. “Okay,” he said, and meant it. “I love you too.”
Dovid woke up to an empty bed, and felt very put out about it. He got up anyway, because he needed to use the bathroom, and then, since he was already up and didn’t know where Sam was, got ready for the morning.
He was grabbing up the jeans he’d left folded on the floor at the foot of the bed when he heard footsteps and then, “Oh,” from Sam. Who sounded disappointed. “Good morning.”
“Hey.” He stood up, holding his jeans. “What time is it?”
“It’s about nine,” Sam said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d be up. I went to start coffee, so it would be ready for you later but...”
“Oh,” Dovid said. “Sorry I ruined your plans.”
“It’s alright. I was just, ah, looking forward to getting back into bed with you.”
“Hey, no,” Dovid said quickly. “That sounds great. I am totally down for getting back into bed for a little bit longer.”
“Are you sure? I mean, if you’re up—”
“C’mere,” Dovid said, making grabby hands.
Sam obliged and let Dovid situate him so that they were curled around each other under the covers again, Dovid stroking lines up and down Sam’s arm.
“What would you like to do today after breakfast?” Sam asked. “I’m yours, and so is the day. We can do anything you’d like.”
Dovid had made a whole bunch of plans in his head already, so he was ready with an answer. “I do want to eat breakfast with you,” he said. “And then, uh, I was wondering if we actually couldn’t go grocery shopping? I like exploring different grocery stores, and I thought I’d make you lunch. I kind of had a menu in mind.”
“Oh! Of course. We can do that. But surely you wanted to do something else besides just go grocery shopping and making me lunch?”
“Well, yeah, I want to cuddle with you a lot. Maybe we could watch something together? That documentary about Egypt I talked to you about—it’s on YouTube, if you haven’t watched it yet.”
“That sounds lovely. And no, I’d been saving it for after your visit.”
Dovid grinned. “Awesome.”
“Anything else?”
“Actually yeah. But it’s totally cool if you don’t want to.”
“What is it?”
“I was thinking maybe we could play some Brightforest together. Since it’s more of a puzzle and building game, I can interact with it on a level I can’t with Dire Straits. I thought it’d be fun to play with you. We don’t have to record or anything of course.”
“Would you want to?”
“Want to what?”
“Record,” Sam said, sounding hesitant. “I mean, I don’t think I’d mind. If you wanted to.”
“What, really?”
“Yes. I think it’d be nice, actually. To record with you. Have that little moment set into a memory in that way. Obviously I wouldn’t have to post it online—we could play one of my non-YouTube runs, or even start a new game. But I quite like the idea of having a recording of us playing together.”
Dovid did too. Oh man, Dovid did too. “No, yeah,” he managed, “I’d love to. And if you’re cool uploading it, I would honestly love that. It means I’d be able to have it to listen to even after I left.”
“Alright,” Sam said, smile clear in his voice. “Let’s do that.”
“Cool.” Dovid sighed. “That means we should get up, huh?”
Sam shifted just enough to kiss his cheek. “Only if you want to. I’m enjoying the lie-in.”
Dovid moved to kiss Sam back, a little more thoroughly. When he pulled away he said, “No, okay, we need to get up now or I’m never going to let you out of this bed.”
Sam laughed. Dovid smiled.
“Hello, everybody, I’m Sam, and welcome to another episode of Let’s Play Brightforest.” Sam adjusted his headset and grinned. “I wanted to thank you all again for your support in this series. As many of you know, I gained a lot of popularity when my channel was, unbeknownst to me, plugged by Dovid and Rachel from Don’t Look Now. Well, Dovid and Rachel happened to be in town for their European tour. I was lucky enough to meet Dovid in person and, well, here we are.”
Which was Dovid’s cue. “Hi, guys! This is Dovid from Don’t Look Now and today I am without Rachel. She’s probably going to writhe with jealousy after she finds out what I’m doing, because I’m going to be playing Brightforest with Sam. I’m really excited about this because I’ve never done a let’s play before. But Sam is willing to work with me and my inexperience, which I’m really grateful about.”
“There’s nothing to be grateful for,” Sam said. “I’m just pleased to be recording with you.”
“Aw. Aw, guys, listen to this guy. Isn’t he great?”
“Just don’t say ‘adorable,’” Sam said, nudging him.
Dovid laughed, so happy he thought he might burst. “Okay, I won’t say it.”
It was actually really easy to do, on top of being fun. Since Sam was a Let’s Player and thus used to talking aloud and narrating while he played a game, it wasn’t hard to follow along with him and offer suggestions and ask questions.
“Alright so we’ve reached another chasm, with the option of going across a creaky rope bridge, or a fallen tree. The problem with these options is that, if you all will remember a few episodes ago, the fallen tree was rotted and we fell through it into the water.”
“And everyone knows rope bridges can’t be trusted,” Dovid said. “Huh. So what do you think you should do this time?”
“I was actually going to ask you that. Either way, it’ll probably end with our character getting a mite waterlogged though.”
“Rope bridges at least make for better dramatics?”
“That’s a fair point. The rope bridge it is. Alright everybody, wish us luck. We’re going to try it.”
There was a moment of silence, only broken by the music from the game, Dovid waiting with bated breath, and then, “Look at that, we did it! Mind you, the—” there was a creaking, sound, followed by a splash. “Ah. Well. Alright, so we got over the bridge but we’ll have to find another way back in the event we ever want to go back to that base. Oh dear.”
Dovid laughed. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
“I will, but it’ll have to be next time. We’ve just about hit the hour mark.”
“Oh no, what? You mean I’ll have to wait til you do another episode to see what happens?”
Sam patted Dovid on the knee. “Sorry.”
“No, no, I get it. Okay, well, guess that’s it, guys. I want to say thanks again to Sam for letting me play with him. It was awesome.”
“And thank you for playing with me. So for now, that’s it, everybody. Thank you for watching.”
Dovid waited quietly until Sam said, “The recording is off. We’re not live anymore.”
He sighed and pulled off his headset and mic. “Man, that was so much fun. But I’m genuinely bummed now. I want to keep playing.”
Sam laughed. “We could always start a new game, like I said.”
“Yeah, but half the fun was playing it with you.”
“Well, I—we could keep playing, when you went home. Time differences allowing, we could Skype or chat on the phone while I played. It would be like me doing a let’s play, but just for you.”
“Just for me,” Dovid repeated faintly.
“It sounds like you rather like the sound of that,” Sam said with a laugh.
“I really, really do. And I’m definitely up for playing more. Oh man, Rachel is going to die that I got to do this with you. She’s way more of a gamer than I am.”
“Well,” Sam said after a beat, “maybe she and I can play another time. But this was just for you.”
Dovid’s breath stuttered. “Fuck, okay, no, I need to kiss you right this minute, come here.”
The Saturday passed altogether too quickly for Dovid’s liking, and soon enough it was evening again, Dovid back in Sam’s apartment to spend another night together with him. He and Rachel had an evening flight Monday night to get back to the States, and Dovid was fully prepared to get in as much Sam time as he could until then. Which, as Dovid explained to Sam, pretty much meant staying in Sam’s apartment with him, watching things together and playing games, and maybe going out for a walk, weather allowing.
“In less than forty-eight hours it’s back to only getting you as a voice in my ear,” Dovid said, from where he was happily snuggled into Sam’s side on Sam’s couch. “I’d rather spend all of that with you, instead of going out. With maybe the exception of the Leprechaun Museum with Rachel tomorrow. If that’s okay.”
“It’s very okay. This way I get to have you all to myself.”
Dovid smiled. “Same here.”
They got ready for bed early, but not with any intentions of using that time to actually sleep. It was more bare skin on bare skin, hands and mouths exploring, reveling in each other’s sounds.
Eventually their kisses turned sleepy and they rearranged a little, Sam on his back, Dovid’s head resting on his chest to listen to his heartbeat.
“Let me know if I’m squishing you,” Dovid said.
“Alright,” Sam said quietly. “But even if you were, I wouldn’t want you to go anywhere else.”
They drifted together, just listening to each other’s breathing, until a thought popped into Dovid’s head. “What’s your family like?”
“My family?” Sam asked, sounding surprised. Which made sense—after all, the question had come from seemingly nowhere.
“Yeah. I was just wondering. You’ve met Rachel and get along with her. I was wondering about your side of things. You said you had a brother, right?”
“Yes,” Sam said. “Charlie. He’s a few years older than me.”
“What’s he like?”
“Oh, he’s very nice. And quite successful. He’s a doctor over in Cork. He was wonderful when I was hurt; flew over to help me for a few days. Even brought me some things from my flat. His wife, Anna, is a dear too. She came with, and tidied up a bit for me. Even made a few meals so I didn’t have to worry about that when I’d just gotten out of the hospital.”
“That sounds great. It’s nice that you have them as a support.”
“It really is. You know, Charlie’s the one who suggested I try making a let’s play. Bought me my first headset mic. It was nearly a year later that I actually felt brave enough to do it, but still. The credit’s all on him.”
Dovid smiled. “I’ll have to thank him, if I ever meet him.”
“I hope that you do! Or... I’d like it if you did. I’ve never really had someone to introduce to him before. Maybe the next time you’re in, we could go to Cork for a visit.”
Next time. “I like the sound of that.”
“As for my parents,” Sam said, “my mother is a seamstress and my father works in sales. We get along alright. They were very nice to me after my accident, even though it was quite an inconvenience for them. Even bought me a new phone.”
Dovid frowned. “An inconvenience? That you’d been hit by a car?”
Sam shrugged against him. “Well now, it was inconvenient for everyone involved, really. Me especially I think.”
“Um, right.” Sam just kept saying this stuff about his parents that pushed all of Dovid’s buttons, but he was always so flippant about it that Dovid wasn’t sure how to react. “Yeah.”
“And they’re fine people. Just, you know, Charlie was the real standout, being so book smart and handsome and in medicine and all. I was always a little too loud for them.”
Too loud.
Sam.
Too loud?
“What?” Dovid asked faintly. And suddenly he was struck with a vivid thought of a much smaller Sam taking a criticism to heart and walking around on eggshells because he was “too loud” for his parents. “What?”
“Erm, sorry,” Sam said, clearly confused. “What?”
No, this...it wasn’t his business to ask. That was Sam’s, and maybe one day Sam would be comfortable broaching the subject himself, but it wasn’t Dovid’s right to push. “Uh, nothing. Just, uh, just me wondering if maybe they wouldn’t like meeting me then.” He tried to smile. “I’m definitely louder than you are.”
“But you’re so interesting! And it wouldn’t be a problem that you’re a man either, as they know I’m gay.”
“Oh. Yeah?”
“Mm-hm. They have for ages. They weren’t angry about it, which was nice. I’ve been, you know, told I was a disappointment, but in the end I feel I was quite lucky.”
Dovid, already a little on edge, went white-hot with fury. “Excuse me? No. No, absolutely not.”
“Sorry?”
“You’re not a disappointment,” Dovid spat. And now that he had started, the dam burst. “Fuck them for ever making you think you were.” His parents had always been nothing but supportive. Of the being blind, sure, and then the YouTube thing, and the being-bi thing...
But he also knew he was lucky. Not everyone got parents like he and Rachel did.
“Dovid?” Sam asked, sounding hesitant.
“Sorry.” Dovid moved to take Sam’s hand in his own and lace their fingers together. “Sorry. I’m just...fuck. That’s not fucking fair, for them to treat you like that. For them to make you feel like that. I know my parents would love you. Let’s just... I’ll let you borrow mine, okay?”
Sam squeezed his hand. “Okay,” he said after a moment. Dovid wished he could see his face. His voice didn’t betray any particular emotion.
“Sorry,” Dovid said again. “I didn’t mean to...go and ruin the moment.” He rubbed his free hand over his face. “Fuck, I’m not even tired anymore, I’m just riled up.”
“Would you like to get up? I could make some tea.”
Dovid buried his face in Sam’s shoulder and groaned. “Ugh, no. Maybe.”
Fingers began to stroke through his hair and Dovid sighed into the feeling of it. But part of him was upset over the fact that Sam was the one offering comfort to him.
“I’m sorry,” he said yet again. “It’s not my business, unless you want it to be. I just...you’re so great. You’re like one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have been so, so happy talking to you these last few months. Dating you is something else entirely, being able to be here with you—I love you so much. I just want everyone else to know how great you are. To treat you how you deserve to be treated.”
“Thank you,” Sam said quietly. “I... I won’t pretend that sometimes I wish things were different. That I was better than I am.” You don’t have to be, Dovid thought furiously. Don’t do that to yourself. “But it’s—” He cleared his throat. “It’s a great pleasure, knowing you, and knowing that you like me the way I came.”
Dovid opened and closed his mouth a few times before he eventually settled on, “Yeah. Hard same. So just...remember that, alright?”
The fingers in his hair never faltered. “I’ll do my best.”
“Um.”
“Yeah?”
“Is it...do you feel okay being kissed right now? It’s cool if you don’t, I just... I just want to,” he said, feeling foolish.
“I think I always feel like being kissed by you,” Sam said, voice colored with amusement.
Dovid had to smile at that.
Sam stared up at the ceiling for a long time once Dovid had fallen asleep, a warm, comforting presence curled into his side. He couldn’t help but replay the words Dovid had had to say while he had been awake.
“That’s not fucking fair, for them to treat you like that. For them to make you feel like that. I know my parents would love you.”
Sam had never questioned how his parents interacted with him. He had only wished to be better, so that maybe one day they would...would like him more. But he hadn’t doubted that he’d deserved their displeasure. He had been a bothersome child, what with being so clumsy and gangly, and had grown into a disappointing adult who they knew would never have a standout job or bring home a person (wife) they approved of or...or any number of things.
And he knew all of that because...
Because they had told him so.
“I just want everyone else to know how great you are. To treat you how you deserve to be treated.”
Someone as wonderful as Dovid loved him, and Sam had changed nothing about himself. Rachel liked him too, as did his viewers. He couldn’t even pretend to doubt that; he was making money because people liked him. Because strangers on the internet (and not-so-strangers he had started to interact with more regularly) liked who he was. His personality, his way of speaking, and he often did talk about his day-to-day life in videos, just for something to say. Mentioned his shyness, his fears, had his silly little asides. And they liked that. Told him so in comments, talked about their own insecurities, asked genuine questions.
For the first time in his life, Sam considered the possibility that, well...
That maybe his parents were wrong.
Sunday morning, Sam had another bit of a lie-in with Dovid before they got up and went out for a proper Irish breakfast. They met Rachel afterwards and went to the museum together, going through the tour and then the gift shop. Sam felt a bit bad, because a lot of the visuals were lost on Dovid, especially the tunnel of optical illusions, but they all had a good time regardless. Dovid cracked a lot of jokes.
It was drizzling slightly when they emerged into the daylight, so Rachel decided that the next order of business was to track down a toy store and buy some blind boxes for Sam to review. In the end, she and Dovid picked some out for him and purchased them without him seeing their choices.
“So it can be a real blind bag,” Rachel explained. “This way everything gets to be a surprise, both for you and the viewers.”
“Alright. That sounds good.”
They went to lunch next, and after, made their way back to Sam’s place. He gave Rachel the cursory tour, and then told the two to make themselves at home while excusing himself for a moment to set his Brightforest video to public. Dovid had suggested they upload the video Saturday, after they’d finished filming it, but not to put it live until Sunday afternoon, just to give Sam some experience in doing staggered videos.
Something buzzed a moment later.
“Hang on,” Rachel said, pulling out her phone. “Sam! You just posted something?”
Sam rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah. It was Dovid’s idea. We recorded something together yesterday.”
Rachel turned to Dovid, aghast. “You did not!”
Dovid grinned. “Sorry.”
“You’re not sorry in the least bitty bit, shut up. I’m so jealous,” she moaned. “You got to watch him play.”
“Not just watch,” Dovid said, grin turning wicked.
Rachel let out a sound of deep betrayal before pausing, expression coming up all thoughtful.
“Okay,” she said steadily, “how’d you present it to the class?”
“What do you mean?” Sam asked.
Dovid shrugged, seeming to know what Rachel was asking. “We said I was visiting Ireland, which, true, and that we wanted to do a collaborative. Also true.” He tilted his head. “There might have been some very gentle flirting.”
Rachel pinched the bridge of her nose. “So the fact that you two are dating is going to be all over the internet in about thirty seconds.” She didn’t sound upset though. More resigned.
“We figured it’d be safe. People do collaboratives all the time. And they all know for a fact that we’re friends now.”
“Sam? You don’t care?”
“Not really,” Sam said easily. Because this, at least, was easy. “I’m very happy to be dating Dovid. I’ll just be reacting to any questions the same as I did when we first started talking and say that we like our privacy.”
Rachel nodded. “Works for me. Now, let’s go ahead and get set up for your blind bag unboxing, while I resist the urge to drop everything and watch your Brightforest update.”
“Dovid?” Sam said, breath catching as he checked his current view count for the latest video.
“Yeah?”
“I...it looks like the collaborative was a hit.”
“Oh yeah?” Dovid leaned forward and grinned. “What’s up? Spill.”
“One hundred thousand hits and counting,” Rachel crowed, looking up from her phone. “Man, I am so mad I’m not watching it right now.”
Monday was still wonderful. It carried a haze of melancholy, but Sam did his best to push it aside and embrace the now. Right now; the moments Dovid was still with him.
They lazed in bed for ages, and, upon finally getting up, Dovid expressed his disappointment that Sam’s shower wasn’t big enough for them to share it. Instead they both hopped in and out quickly so as not to waste time, and brushed their teeth side by side while the mirror was still clouded from steam.
They stayed in for breakfast. Sam got the coffee started while Dovid prepared the tomatoes for frying, and then Dovid set the table while Sam got things cooking in the skillets. They stood together at the stove, sipping from their mugs while they waited for the food to be ready and then got it all plated. They sat down across from each other, knocking legs accidentally, and then much more deliberately while they ate. Dovid leaned against the counter while Sam did the dishes, drying whatever Sam handed to him and keeping up an easy, winding conversation.
It was all very soft and incredibly domestic, and Sam only wanted for more time. More days like this one, where they could just be in each other’s space. Reach out and touch whenever they wanted to.
Dovid and Rachel’s flight was in the evening, but with it being an international flight, they still needed to be at the airport three hours before. On top of needing time to get to the airport, early afternoon drew closer altogether too quickly.
Rachel was going to come by Sam’s apartment to pick Dovid up. They’d be getting in a car and going to the airport. Dovid was going to board a plane and go back to being hundreds of miles away, to being just a voice in Sam’s ear.
It struck Sam then, just how much he would miss being able to simply see Dovid. See the facial expressions that went with the rest of him. His wide grin and constantly moving hands. The shy little curve of his mouth when Sam said or did something Dovid found immeasurably sweet.
He would have to see if maybe he couldn’t do something about that.
For now, Dovid was all packed up, and he and Sam were tucked up against each other on Sam’s couch, simply holding hands and being with each other, trying to soak up the last moments they had.
Dovid sighed heavily when his phone beeped, followed by him playing the text Rachel had sent to let them know she was on her way over.
“Fuck, I don’t want to go. I don’t want it to be over yet.” He swallowed. “I don’t want to leave you.”
Sam reached out to cup Dovid’s cheek, turning him so they were facing each other. “We have a little more time.”
Dovid closed the distance, an edge of desperation to their kisses now, Dovid touching him as though he was trying to memorize the feel of Sam underneath his fingers. Eventually they were just clutching at each other, unable to do anything but hang on and wish they weren’t about to be parted.
“I’m going to miss you so much,” Sam murmured, holding on tight.
“Fucking hard same,” Dovid replied from where his face was pressed into Sam’s neck.