Vance, Ms. Becker, and I sit in silence for a few minutes. She doesn’t find the need to fill the quiet moments with chatter or questions—I like that. She lets things unfold as they may without forcing the situation.
Vance folds his hands in front of him. He looks so serious. “So if I don’t go away to college, then Oscar can stay home?”
I slowly turn my head to look at my brother. If words could leave my brain and crawl from my ears, these are the words you’d see scuttling down my arms to make themselves part of the world: respect and love. These are not insignificant words. They are colossal. Their weight would crash them through the floor, through the foundation, through the ground. They would be forced to reassemble in the center of the earth.
That’s how massive these words are that are coming from my head.
All those nights I’d laid awake wondering if my brother loved me, concluding the answer to be no.
I was wrong.
I was as wrong as any brother could be.
In fact, I was dead wrong.
Ms. Becker nods. “Yes. But if you do move forward with legal guardianship, we don’t just pat you on the head and tell you to have good lives. There are procedures in place for your protection. There would be biweekly visits from a Children’s Protective Services social worker. He or she would be making sure you guys are handling your new life, that you’re safe and taking care of yourselves properly.”
“They can come check on us every day if they want to,” Vance says.
Ms. Becker raises one eyebrow and smiles. “Listen, you don’t have to make this decision today, Vance. I can give—”
Vance interrupts her. “Decision’s made. He’s not going off to live on a farm with twenty-five kids. Pond or no friggin’ pond. And he’s not going to be on a stranger’s Christmas card. He’s going to live in our house, sleep in his bed, watch his TV.” He turns to me. “You cool with that?”
I roll my eyes. “That’s kind of a ridiculous question.” As soon as I say it, I want to take it back. My stomach coils. I actually don’t know what to say here.
Vance slowly nods and kind of looks through me. I’m not sure if he heard my smart-mouthed response. There’s something going on inside his head. “We had an ultimatum, didn’t we? Go our separate ways, do our own thing…” His jaw tightens, and he rubs the back of his neck. “We owe it to Mom and Dad to take care of each other.”
My mouth falls open.
What kind of day am I living? Nothing feels normal.
“Right?” Vance asks me. “They’re expecting us to. I can feel it.”
Ms. Becker’s eyes light up. “Death can sometimes kill a family.” Her head bobs. “Other times a rebirth occurs. Like now. It’s special to see—and one of the reasons I love my job.”
Vance gives her a little smile, nods, and turns to me. “We can’t mess up anymore, Oscar. With each other. We have to make this work.”
An actual warm feeling flushes throughout my body. Is this what happiness feels like? Love maybe? Understanding? Who knows. My words are melting before they form, the temperature of this joy too hot. But I want my brother to know I’ve heard him, that I agree, so I lock eyes and nod. Over and over and over.