Carly

 

“WHAT ARE YOU and Trent doing tomorrow?” Jessica asked, stepping into my room.

Tomorrow was Father’s Day, and the reminder made me groan with disgust and trepidation. Growing up, I hated every commercial, every craft, every mushy comment, everything that reminded me of that giant, gaping hole in my life where a dad should be. And now, my kid knew the same exact pain. I wished like hell I could take that pain away from him—that I could delete the day from the calendar and make everyone shut up about it—but I couldn’t. He would have to survive this shitty day every year, just like I did.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll take him to the Aquarium or the Children’s Museum.” We didn’t really have the money for either option, but there was still a little room on my credit card and I’d be willing to bury myself under the poor house if it made the day easier on my kid. “You?”

“Going to Mom and Dad’s. My brother and his wife and kids will be there, and Dad said you and Trent are welcome to join us if you want.”

Jessica’s parents lived in Renton. They were super sweet and always had homemade bread and fresh fruit waiting whenever we visited, but I worried that being around happy people as they celebrated Jessica’s dad would only make the day more difficult for Trent. It was our first year without Robbie, and although he’d never been the kind of dad mushy Father’s Day cards were written about, he was all Trent had known.

“Thanks, but I think we’ll pass.”

Questions flickered across Jessica’s face. I never talked about my past, and she had to be curious. Holding my breath, I silently prayed that she wouldn’t ask. I needed Jessica. She was my only friend, and I didn’t want to drive a wedge between us by refusing to answer her. I could tell her the answers would put her life in danger, but that sounded like some lame cop out. Regardless of how true it was.

“Okay,” she conceded, looking disappointed. “But if you change your mind, the offer stands.”

She went to check on Trent, and I released my breath and thanked my lucky stars that she hadn’t pried. I finished getting ready and headed to work early, before she changed her mind and let her curiosity get the best of us both.

* * *

Spade was back on the door tonight. Since I had Thursday night off, and he had last night off, I hadn’t seen him since he was with the guys at Helping Hands. He waved me past the crowd, but stopped me before I could go in.

“How’s your boy?” he asked.

The question felt like an invasion of privacy. Spade seemed like a good guy and all, but the fewer people who knew about Trent, the safer we’d be. I gave him a tight smile. “Fine, thanks. I gotta get to work.”

He frowned but let me pass.

Since I was early, I hung out in the break room, taking advantage of the free Wi-Fi to check social media. I’d deleted my real accounts long ago, but had figured out the password to my old friend Becca’s account: Robbie25, my baby-daddy’s name and his high school football jersey number.

Becca had been obsessed with Robbie. I wished I would have figured that shit out sooner. Like before I’d had Robbie’s kid. But then I wouldn’t have Trent, and there was no way I could even entertain a “what if” that didn’t include him.

I logged onto Becca’s account and was bombarded with several ‘Happy birthday in Heaven’ posts. Checking the date, I realized her birthday had been last week and I’d missed it. Pain lanced my chest and an involuntary sob escaped before I could clamp my mouth closed. I took a deep breath through my nose and blinked back tears as memories of Becca’s last birthday assaulted me.

Robbie, Becca, Trent, and I were camping at Scout Park. After an exhausting day of hiking and fishing, we’d pitched our tents and were sitting around the fire drinking and roasting marshmallows while Trent slept in my arms. Robbie was going off about some monster of a fish that somehow none of us had seen before it got away, and Becca and I—knowing he was full of shit—were laughing our asses off. Robbie got all butt-hurt and went to take a leak, and I couldn’t help but notice the way Becca watched him walk away. The way Becca had always watched him.

“You like him,” I said. “He likes you too, Bec. Why haven’t the two of you ever gotten together?”

She glanced at Trent and pain flared in her eyes. “You’re my best friend, Carly. It would be weird.”

Robbie, Becca, and I had grown up together. We’d been like the Three Amigos—no, like the three rejects—for as long as I could remember. I used to bounce between their houses, crashing on whichever couch was free. One night, while I was staying at Robbie’s house, his drunk-ass parents got into a knock-down-drag-out fight, said all kinds of messed-up shit, and left. Robbie had heard their whole exchange, some of which was about him, and he was hurt and angry. I wanted to comfort him, so I grabbed a bottle of whiskey from his parents’ cabinet and we started doing shots, trying to dull the pain.

Robbie was a wreck that night, and friendly hugs turned into more. Embracing. Touching. Kissing. We were both lonely. Hurting. Drunk. One thing led to another, and I ended up pregnant with Trent my senior year of high school. Robbie and I got a place together and tried to build a relationship for Trent’s sake, but it was too damn weird. We were never meant to be more than friends, and we couldn’t fake it. So, we lived together as roommates instead, raising Trent the best two fucked up friends could.

“You’re my best friend, too, and I want you to be happy. I want you both to be happy,” I replied.

“What about Trent?” she asked.

“He knows Robbie and I aren’t together.”

“Yeah, but I’d be like his step-mom figure and that’s so… bizarre. And what if things don’t work out with me and Robbie? I don’t want to confuse the little man.”

Becca loved Trent almost as much as I did, and I understood her point. It would be weird for him to go from calling her Aunt Becca to calling her Mom. Would he call her Mom? I couldn’t decide how I felt about that.

“Maybe try out a relationship, but keep things on the down-low until you figure out if it’s gonna work out. Think about it, Bec. You’re good people. You two deserve happiness.”

Before she could reply, Robbie returned.

The memory no longer brought tears to my eyes. Instead, it left behind a hollow, lonely yearning. They were the closest thing I had to family, and now they were gone. I had to focus on protecting the one person I had left.

Scrolling through Becca’s friends, I found the name I was looking for and stalked his page. People had tagged him in pictures from a party last night. Good. He was still in Silver City, which meant Trent and I were safe.

For now.

* * *

Saturday nights were usually the bar’s busiest, and today was no exception. Preoccupied with orders, I managed to survive almost my entire shift without feeling, thinking, or worrying about tomorrow. My streak came to a screeching halt when I walked into the break room on my last break and found Wasp sitting at the table.

I hadn’t seen Wasp in the two days since Trent had given him that damn card, and seeing him now stirred up all sorts of emotions I wasn’t prepared to deal with. The realization that I’d been looking for him, and was genuinely relieved to see that he was alive and okay. Confusion at my relief. Why did I care? A strange sort of camaraderie that he’d seen my kid’s meltdown and knew what I was dealing with. Fear because I wanted to keep Trent away from the world and now the guys who frequented my workplace knew about him.

“You look like you’re about to bolt,” Wasp said as our gazes locked. He was back to his T-shirt, biker vest, jeans, and boots, looking far sexier than any man had a right to. “You scared of something?”

There weren’t enough words to cover everything I was afraid of, but I shook my head. “I’m fine. Just surprised. I don’t think you’re supposed to be in here.”

He cracked a smile. “It’ll be all right, babe. I know the owner.”

Cocky bastard. Grabbing a string cheese and some carrot sticks from the fridge, I headed to the table and sat at the opposite end, hoping he’d leave me alone to eat in peace. Hoping he would stay so I wouldn’t be alone. My emotions were so fucked up I didn’t even know how I felt.

Wasp chuckled. “I feel like we bonded at Helping Hands, and here you are giving me the cold shoulder again.” He stood and scooted down to the chair directly across from me.

Bonded? “I don’t know what you think happened, but there was definitely no bonding going on.”

“Oh well, a man can dream. How’s Trent?”

Trent was none of his damn business. I opened my mouth to say as much, but then snapped it shut. Wasp and his team were putting in time at the school because they obviously cared about kids. He cared about Trent before he knew he was my kid. This wasn’t about me and I shouldn’t be all bitchy about it.

“He’s fine,” I replied. That wasn’t much better, but it was all I could give him. All I was willing to tell him.

“So, everyone’s fine?” Wasp asked.

I nodded.

“What are you two doing for Father’s Day?”

I eyed Wasp, wondering why the hell he was firing these questions at me. “Why?”

“He seemed pretty wrecked about the card. I’m just wondering how he’s gonna handle the day.”

“We’ll get through it.”

He frowned. “I could help, you know?”

“How?”

“I’m an excellent distraction. I could take you guys out, show you a good time, help get his mind off what he’s missing. I know it’s not ideal, but… it’s an option.”

The offer took me by surprise. No doubt Wasp could distract Trent from the father-sized hole in his heart. For a time. He’d make tomorrow a hell of a lot easier, but then what? Wasp would eventually grow bored and bail, leaving behind his own hole in Trent’s heart. My kid would grow up with an organ resembling swiss cheese in his chest, and would probably turn to drugs and alcohol to fill it. All to make one stupid day easier. “Thanks, but we’ve got this.”

He stood, his face twisting in frustration as he ran a hand across the back of his neck. “I’m fuckin’ this all up. What I mean to say is… you and Trent have allies. Whatever’s going on… whether it’s Father’s Day or if this bad man Trent talks about finds you… you don’t have to do this shit alone. I can help you, Carly.”

Confused, I stared at him. “Why would you want to?”

“Because you and Trent are cool, and I want to get to know you both better.”

He had to have an angle. Everyone always did. Was he using Trent to get to me? “What do you know about my kid?” I asked.

Wasp shrugged, seemingly unaffected by my tone. “Not a whole hell of a lot, but I’d like to know more. He’s a funny kid. He makes me laugh.”

Trent was a lot of things, but rarely funny. I arched an eyebrow at Wasp, letting him know I wasn’t fooled.

He held up his hands. “No, I’m serious. He’s fuckin’ hilarious. The first day I met him he complimented my pecs. Never met a kid who did that before. Some blonde girl, the little sasshole who narked on him, she asked what pecs were and Trent informed the whole class that girls have boobies and boys have pecs.”

Sasshole? I was still trying to figure out what that meant when the rest of Wasp’s words sank in. Imagining the scene and the reaction of all the biker volunteers, I cradled my head in my hands. “I’ve told that kid a hundred times he’s not supposed to say boobies in public. That’s not funny, it’s humiliating. Those teachers probably think I’m a stripper or a prostitute or something.”

“Babe, he’s not the first little boy to say boobies, and he sure as hell won’t be the last. It was funny as shit, though. Not one of us could keep a straight face. We had to regroup in the hallway and try again. His comedic timing is on point. Especially with those ‘that’s what she said’ jokes. I know he doesn’t know what he’s saying, but my God he always hits it right on.”

“Shit. He’s doing those again? He promised me he’d stop. You think it’s funny, but I get phone calls almost every day. I feel like everything I’m doing is wrong. Like he’s gonna grow up and be really fucked up because I didn’t discipline him right or was too lenient with him or something.” Why was I telling Wasp this, making myself sound weak and insecure? I wanted him to know I was trying, that I wasn’t a bad mom by choice.

He laughed. Not exactly the response I expected or wanted. I narrowed my eyes, but he only laughed harder.

“Sorry, babe, but I can guarantee you your kid doesn’t have shit on me. I got kicked out of Boy Scouts for cheating in the Pinewood Derby race.”

I blinked. “You were a Boy Scout?”

“Damn straight. At least until they kicked me out. It wasn’t so much the modifications I did to my own derby car as it was the fake modifications I charged the other kids for. I took their money, so I could get a feel for their cars and make sure mine could beat them.”

“What kind of Boy Scout cheats?” I asked.

“The kind who’s trying to win. That’s not the worst place I was kicked out of. Not by a long shot. Don’t think I made it through a single church camp without my parents getting the call to come pick me up. They were desperate to get some Jesus in me, but I was just trying to get into some cute little church girls.”

I was nibbling on a carrot and choked, surprised by his crude honesty. “Ohmigod.”

“That’s what she said,” he deadpanned.

I laughed. I couldn’t help it. He was so… unexpected. Tears of a different kind stung my eyes. Relief? Exhaustion? Humor? Whatever it was, I suddenly felt lighter than I had all day. “You’re somethin’ else,” I said.

“So I hear. You gonna give me your number now?”

Relentless. Still laughing, I shook my head. “Not a chance, Romeo. I don’t need some biker-soldier-church boy trying to get in me.” More heat flooded my cheeks as what I’d said sank in. It had been so long since I’d felt comfortable enough to be real in front of anyone. Guilt tugged at my conscience, reminding me of why I couldn’t do this. Why I had to keep everyone at an arm’s length. Standing, I went to the fridge and put my snack away. Rubbing my hands on my shorts, I turned toward the door.

“I gotta get back to work.”

Wasp watched me for a moment, his expression unreadable, before grabbing a napkin and a pen from the center of the table. He scribbled something on the napkin and held it out toward me.

“What’s that?” I asked, eyeing the napkin.

“My number. Since you won’t give me yours.”

Warning bells went off in the back of my mind. This was dangerous territory, and I needed to get out of it. I needed to run away to somewhere loud and busy where thoughts and dreams couldn’t penetrate. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

He stood. “It’s just a phone number. I know you’re strong and independent and all that shit, but you might need help someday.” Closing the distance between us, he held out the napkin again.

I couldn’t take it. I didn’t have the courage, the strength, or the trust in me to accept his offer. “Sorry, Romeo, but that napkin would cost way more than I can afford.”

His brow furrowed and his mouth opened, but I got the hell out of there before he could change my mind.