Who can say when the line is crossed between determination and obsession? Megan didn’t know the difference between them anymore, only knew she couldn’t stop searching, once she’d begun. But what choice did she have? A couple of weeks after Megan’s polygraph turned up positive, the police let the case go cold. And Megan expected it. This case was more than the police in Tom’s River could handle and they didn’t want to call in the big guns. Who knew why, either? Maybe Officer Doting couldn’t stand looking bad in public, maybe there something in town that had to stay hidden, or maybe the cops never really had much hope of finding Kyle in the first place.
Megan wasn’t going to let that take her down. She revved up to take their place. First, she had Peter Burns give her the records about who they’d spoken to, and exactly what they’d found. It wasn’t classified information and she had a right to it anyway. The police had spoken to all the people at Kyle’s office, looked through his computer, checked his neighbors and friends. Nothing came of it. Nobody knew or saw anything. The cops had dusted the house and car for fingerprints or traces of blood. They checked to see if Kyle might have taken up with someone, and if he had any unpaid debt. He wasn’t listed on any dating sites and his credit score was perfect. From what they could see, Kyle came out squeaky clean.
Squeaky clean was relative, Megan thought, picking up where the police left. During the day when Mallory was at school, Megan had a new job – self-appointed investigator. It took all her strength and brought out a fierceness she never knew she had. As the autumn came, the leaves turned brilliant colors and then fell, leaving the trees bare. Megan sat on the computer, watching the spectacle and harnessing her power and intelligence. If she didn’t make sense of what happened herself, nobody would do it for her.
She went onto websites that promised to hunt down your loved ones. She made calls to strangers, called hospitals on the East and West Coasts. She scoured the Facebook pages of each person at Kyle’s company, their past pages and current ones. She did the same with the Facebook pages of their friends, the people at the club where Kyle went golfing, the ones who sold him the guns he bought. Megan kept watching to see what anyone would say about Kyle and if she could connect what one person said with another.
Before long, mention of Kyle began popping up here and there. Once or twice, in the past, he’d been seen at a place she hadn’t known about. She made note of it. Then she went to that place and spoke to people there. Most of them couldn’t remember him. Someone said she saw Kyle flirting with a waitress at a Russian bar in an adjoining town. Megan laughed. She refused to get pulled in by fantasies. She wanted facts, needed them. She couldn’t dare jump to conclusions, it would take her off course.
Then Megan pulled out all their bank accounts and checked every single transaction, tracking what went in and what went out. A few discrepancies started to appear. She noted them meticulously. Okay, for sure, he’d been lying to her, skimming money off, using it for something. But what he did with the money, what he wanted it for, was still unclear, like the moon over the horizon, that hadn’t come into full view. Still, there was no question, Kyle had some kind of secret life going on. She thought she knew Kyle, but had been living with a stranger. She went to bed thinking about it, had bad dreams about Kyle that woke her. In one dream he was laughing at her and would not stop.
One night Megan dreamt that Kyle came into her room, his favorite silver pistol, pointed at her head.
“Are you going to shoot me, Kyle?” she screamed.
“Yes, someday I will,” he slowly smiled.
Megan looked at his eyes in the dream, that had turned into crystal, cold, heartless, icy blue.
“Do it now, then,” she called out.
But Kyle was a coward, said nothing, just slunk back into the shadows again.
Weeks and then months began to pass. Peter came over regularly, stopped in to see how she was doing and if he could be of help. Right from the beginning, she let him know what she’d discovered. He was impressed.
“Go slowly,” Peter said over and over. “Patience is best. You never know when a piece of information will appear that will allow us to re-open the case.”
Megan was not depending on that.
“Or, sometimes someone who’s seen something finally decides to call. Police all over the country have Kyle’s picture. He’s part of their missing person’s file.”
None of it was good enough for Megan. The resignation everyone in town felt made her wonder about who these people really were.
One evening, when Peter came over for a lite dinner, Megan mentioned it. He sat closer to her on the sofa than usual that evening, and smelled good, wearing a musky cologne. By now, she and Peter had become even closer.
“Only six months have passed,” Megan said then, “And people in town are already forgetting all about Kyle.”
Peter put his hand on her arm, as if to soothe her.
“You’re not getting anywhere, going over and over the same things. It’s becoming an
obsession.”
“A good obsession,” said Megan, sliding a bit away from him.
“There’s no such thing as a good obsession. Every obsession stinks,” said Peter.
“No one else in this town seems to care,” Megan repeated. “I’ve been wondering who these people are anyway.”
“They care,” said Peter, “They’ve just accepted that Kyle is dead. And you’re going to have to accept it too.”
Megan couldn’t breathe for a moment. The words hung like a heavy cloud encompassing both of them.
“Why would I accept something like that?” she slid away further.
“Because your life is at stake,” said Peter, heatedly. “If you don’t put this down, you’ll go crazy. I’ve seen it happen before.”
Megan wondered where he’d seen it and when. She ran her hands over her face, soothing herself, not wanting to listen.
“Exactly how I am supposed to accept it?” she asked after a very long moment.
Peter put his hand back on her arm.
“Well, dinner with me out of here, at a restaurant, wouldn’t be a bad way to start,” he said jokingly.
Megan looked up at him, surprised. “What are you suggesting?”
“I’m suggesting you accept what life’s brought you,” he said.
“I mean about dinner?”
He looked back at her directly then. “Would that be such a terrible thing? Two friends enjoying fine dining in a lovely atmosphere?”
Megan felt a wave of hope and loneliness from him coming her way. This wasn’t fair to him, she realized.
“You’re a wonderful guy, Peter,” she stood up. “Any gal would be honored to have dinner with you. I really mean that.”
“I’m not inviting any gal,” he replied, standing beside her.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do it. I just can’t.”
“You can’t, or you don’t want to?”
“Kyle’s only been gone about six months,” she said then.
Peter’s face fell. “Okay, I’m sorry, it feels so much longer,” he said.
It felt longer to Megan as well. And she was coming to realize that even before Kyle had actually left, he’d been gone for a very long time.
*
When Megan told Angela that Peter had asked her out for dinner, Angela grew silent over the phone.
“But I said no, I can’t do it,” Megan filled in the pause.
“You’re wrong,” said Angela. “Peter’s a terrific guy and there’s nothing wrong with having company. It’s a long, cold winter we’re having.”
“But I don’t know what happened with Kyle?” Megan said. “How can I do it?”
“Simple,” said Angela,” you get dressed, sit across from Peter at the table and talk.”
“My whole life could have been a sham,” said Megan, “you think I can just start up all over again?”
“You have to,” Angela replied, “before it’s too late and you get stuck in a no man’s land of your own making. Because say whatever you want to, Megan, life without love is no life at all.”
Megan flashed on Angela’s life at that moment and wondered if she were talking about herself. It wasn’t that Megan wasn’t lonely, didn’t want company, didn’t yearn to be touched and held. It was just that she could not bear to go through this loss and pain ever again.
“I’m through with love, Angela, Megan whispered. “Nothing in the world can make me care like that again.”
*
Peter left the visit with Megan disgruntled. How long would the waiting go on and on? Not only Megan’s waiting, but his as well. Winters were long in Wisconsin, piles of snow covering the hill sides. Sleds, snowmobiles, warm dinners indoors dotted the countryside. Peter had kept going over to Megan’s to check in, see how she was. Sometimes he’d bring Alan to play with Mallory, sometimes not. He felt that sooner or later, she’d realize that both of them needed something more.
Peter was a patient man. Eva’s death had taught him about loss, how long it takes to re-group, how little by little the heart lifts again. Peter would wait for Megan. She was the one he wanted, perfect for him. She was smart, beautiful, independent. He’d never realized he could feel so relaxed with a woman. His time with Eva had been strained all the way through. He hadn’t realized how strained until he spent time with Megan. There was something about her that freed him, made him feel like himself again.
As Peter rode back home, he thought about what it would be like when they would all be a family one day, enjoying the winter together, snowmobiling down the hills. Megan couldn’t keep up her search for Kyle forever. Spring would be coming, she’d realize the futility of it and put it down. And, when she did, Peter would be right at her side. It would be natural for her to go out with him then.
Or would it? As he drove along the icy roads doubt suddenly crossed Peter’s mind. He thought of his discussion with Officer Doting just a couple of days ago. He’d realized that Peter had been visiting Megan, had become her self-appointed protector. It worried him.
“You’re spending too much time over there with Kyle’s woman. Doesn’t look right,” he’d said to Peter when he was finishing up at the station that day.
Peter laughed.
“Listen, Ralph,” he’d said, “the woman’s been through hell. She needs a friend.”
“We all need a friend,” he replied curtly. “But from where I sit, you look like more than a friend. This can’t end up happy, Peter.”
Peter had been surprised. “Why not?”
He shook his heavy head, looking like the bulldog he could be.
“Come on,” he said, “after something like this hits a life, the person can’t be the same. She’ll never shake it. None of us can. She’ll always wonder if Kyle is alive somewhere, about to come home. What do you need that for?”
“Time will heal,” Peter had said softly.
“Did it heal you, Peter?” he had asked bruskly, astonishing Peter. “I don’t mean to hurt you, but it’s better to be brought up short now, then get into trouble down the road.”
“Yes, time has been healing,” Peter said slowly and methodically.
“But with you it was different. Eva died a natural death,” he corrected himself.
“And Kyle?” Peter was always curious about what Doting really thought. “What do you think really happened?”
Peter pulled over a stool and sat down on it opposite Doting, who was rifling through papers on his desk. He looked over at Peter, his eyes narrowing into slats.
“The guy’s probably laying in a junkyard somewhere, if you asked me, rotting under a pile of trash. No one will ever find him,” he chewed the bottom of his lip. “I think someone had the guy killed and dumped.”
“Someone in Tom’s River?” Peter was stunned. He had no idea that he believed this, never heard him say that before.
“Nah, not necessarily from Tom’s River. But let’s face it, you never know who the guy had been playing around with. After the case closed, it bothered me. I spent a whole extra night, diving deeper into his computer. It showed this and that.”
Peter was floored. “What did it show?”
“I wasn’t sure. It was unclear.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Was it really necessary to go into all the gory details in front of his wife? Are we going to track down every shady stranger that stalks the web? Besides, I told you, it was unclear. From where I sit, I’m guessing that the guy probably met up with someone before he went to work, not just that day, but many days. Whoever it was hammered him, or had him hammered. Could have wanted his money or maybe something more. Could have been revenge, we can’t be certain.”
“I wish you had told me about your theory,” Peter said.
“What good would it have done? Peter, you’re a good man,” he kept chewing his lower lip, “You’ve had enough trouble in your life. And, believe me, I hate to see you go down a dark road with Kyle’s woman now.”
Peter didn’t want to go down a dark road either, but he didn’t see Megan as a dark road. He saw her as beautiful, exciting, determined. He saw her as a wonderful mother for both of their children. He could almost taste the life they were on the verge of creating together. It was just a few steps away.
“Can’t agree with you there about Megan,” Peter said, shaking his head.
“Jesus Christ, you’re falling in love with her!” he said.
“What’s so bad about that?” asked Peter.
“Listen, when a husband does something lousy and ends up in a mess, it’s never one way. Somehow, somewhere, the wife’s part of it. She may not realize it, but she is,” Officer Doting said.
“You’re blaming Megan for what happened to Kyle?”
“Not blaming anybody, just being realistic. Go get yourself someone new! What do you need to buy into a pack of trouble? Look how the Pastor’s wife is already making people think twice about him.”
Peter was stunned. He hadn’t heard that. He’d worked directly on the vigil with Nelson Halding and found him to be a terrific, warm, upright guy.
“What are you talking about? He’s a terrific guy.”
“Yeah, you know it and I do too. But his wife goes running around town, dressed in short dresses, talking too much, acting funny. People are saying he can’t keep her under control. That doesn’t make him look good, does it?”
Peter had only noticed Abigail Halding in passing. He’d actually thought she was spirited, nice to be around.
“Town’s changing,” he went on. “Times are changing, too. They’d never have had someone like that as the Pastor’s wife in Tom’s River before. New people coming into town more than ever, too. Guess the secret’s out how great we are. But we got to keep an open eye.”
Peter smiled. He had noticed more newcomers coming into town. Didn’t bother him though – they seemed all right.
“It’s Randy’s lumber expanding, opening up those new jobs,” he continued. “Good for business, but we got to watch out!”
“That’s why we’re here,” Peter said.
“You bet it is. And I need you in good shape, buddy. We’re a great team. The people in Tom’s River need you and I need you too. Be careful, be smart, take good care of yourself now.”