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DINAH
Noah had been on the road for a couple days, which was fine because it allowed me some time to process the fact that he told me he loved me. It was such an off-hand comment, but when he told me I felt my heart squeeze in my chest. I wasn’t sure if I loved him yet. I wanted to, but it felt so awkward him saying it to me and me not being sure if I was ready to say it back to him. He said that I didn’t have to say it back, but I saw the hurt on his face when I didn’t. It was kind of why we had rushed back to my place to hop into bed together. Being with him was great, but I knew I was holding myself back because I was so scared that I would lose him just like I lost Jason. I didn’t think I could bear it.
I spent the time while he was gone, working on the first draft of my third book, in between my day job and line edits for book two. I knew I was drowning myself in my work just so I didn’t have to think about if I loved Noah. It had gotten so bad that Frankie and Tony had stopped by to make sure I was okay. When Frankie saw my empty fridge he began to mother hen me until I let him buy me groceries.
The truth was, I really missed Noah when he was gone, and my heart did a little jump every time I got a text from him. Even more on those occasions when he video chatted with me to say goodnight. The team was in a downward slump again, which honestly, as a fan I wasn’t surprised. As Noah’s girlfriend I felt like I wasn’t supposed to tell him they were playing like hot garbage and turning over the puck too much. Normally, I wouldn’t have cared, but I thought I already hurt his feelings by not telling him that I loved him. I also didn’t want to be that girlfriend, and sometimes he just needed one who would support him.
Sometimes I thought maybe he was just too perfect. What man wanted to actually subject himself to the scrutiny of The Mezzanetti family? Tonight was my niece Abbie’s 8th birthday party at my brother Frankie’s house in South Philly. I didn’t think Noah knew what he was getting himself into. He had texted me earlier that he was back in town but was busy with some team stuff. Probably reviewing game tape and having team meetings, so I was planning to meet him back at my condo before we headed over. I ended up sneaking out of work a little early, because after 4:30 PM on a Friday afternoon nothing ever really got done.
I dropped my purse at the door and headed into my bedroom where I inspected my clothes. I was still in work clothes, so I changed into a pair of skinny jeans and a striped long-sleeve shirt. I was inspecting how it looked in my mirror when I heard the knock on my door. With a smile I headed to my front door and was happy to see Noah standing there. I jumped into his arms, wrapping my arms and legs around him while I kissed him fiercely.
He chuckled and kicked the door shut. “Oh someone missed me,” he mused when he broke the kiss.
I rested my forehead against his and my hands clung to the back of his neck. “Oh most definitely.”
His hands lingered on my ass. “Damn, you look good in those jeans,” he admitted and gave me a little squeeze.
I squealed with laughter and slid out of his arms. I gave him a questioning look. “You really think so? I was afraid my family was gonna make some comment about my weight in this outfit.”
His face was a cloudy torment. “I don’t understand. You’re pretty thin.”
I sighed. “I didn’t used to be, and my family likes to comment on it.”
He grumbled and muttered something under his breath but I didn’t try to ask him to repeat it.
“Are you sure you want to deal with my family tonight?” I asked instead.
“Lovey, I’m positive.”
I noticed he had a gift bag in his hand. “What’s that?” I asked.
“Oh! You said Abbie’s favorite Bulldog is Benny, so I got him to sign a puck for me.”
My heart flipped over in my chest and then did a little dance. That was so sweet, of both of them really. Benny was definitely a soft-hearted man like Noah. He just hid it a little better.
“You didn’t have to do that! Fuck, now you’re showing me up.”
He laughed. “I can not give it to her if you want?”
I shook my head. “No, it’s perfect. Let’s go!”
He helped me into my jacket and we left my condo. I had offered to drive, but since he had an afternoon game tomorrow he didn’t want to drink anyway. Which was good because my family tended to drive me to drink. We drove into South Philly where my brother Frankie lived. Nerves were binding up inside my chest while Noah found a parking spot.
He rested his hand on my thigh and my whole body felt like it got shocked at his touch. He gave me a shy smile. “Why are you nervous?” he asked.
“I haven’t introduced my family to a boyfriend in like eight years. I met Jason in college.”
Noah kissed me softly and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. “I’m your boyfriend, eh?”
I smiled at his little Canadian inflection. God, could he be cuter? “You know you are.”
“I’ve never heard you say it out loud.”
“Well, you are. Come on, let’s get this over with!” I urged with a groan.
We got out of the car and he slid his hand into mine. The warmth of it made me feel steady, centered even. I knocked on the door and was greeted by my sister-in-law Sofia with a big hug, her curly dark hair flying haphazardly into my face. I had to disentangle myself from Noah’s hand just to let the woman engulf me.
“Hi, Sof,” I greeted her.
The older woman pulled away from me and then her brown eyes glazed over Noah’s towering form behind me. “And who’s this?” she asked.
Sofia wasn’t big on sports, even though my brother, her husband, was a diehard Bulldogs fan. So it did slightly surprise me that she didn’t recognize Noah. However, he did look a bit different up on skates and with the number 13 on his back then in the real world.
“My boyfriend, Noah.”
“Oh, D, he’s tall, like really tall, and handsome,” she mused and I held in my laughter at Noah’s blush.
“Yes, he is,” I agreed.
“Come in, come in,” she gestured to us and shuffled us through the door of her home.
I shoved our gifts into her hands and then a blur of pink threw itself at me. “Aunt D!” my niece screeched at me and clung to my waist.
“Hey kiddo! Happy birthday!”
“You came!” she exclaimed and hugged me tighter. I loved being the fun Aunt.
“Of course I did!”
She was staring intently up at Noah who just waved and smiled at her. “Aunt D, how do you know Noah Kennedy from the hockey team?”
I mouthed “sorry” at him but he waved me off. He bent down to Abbie’s height. “Hi, Abbie. Can I tell you a secret?”
She nodded enthusiastically, but she was still hugging my leg.
“Your Aunt D’s my new girlfriend. But it’s our secret, okay?”
She nodded, but then one of her friends asked her to play and they were darting down into the basement. I couldn’t help but notice that she had a big smile on her face though. Noah helped me out of my jacket and I hung it on the coatrack along with his own.
“You’re good with kids,” I said to him.
He shrugged. “Kids are easy to talk to.”
I tried not to focus on the fact that Noah would never have that if he stayed with me.
I walked further into the house, tugging Noah along with my hand in his. He didn’t seem to mind and he squeezed my hand in reassurance which made me feel comforted. Noah opened a bottle of beer for me and I was just taking a sip of it when we got ambushed by my brothers. Frankie was standing there in his dumb “Kiss the Cook” apron his greying hair looking like it had multiplied, Tony had his “swole” arms crossed over his chest, but my brother Eddie just stood there in his trademark leather jacket looking amused.
“Kennedy,” Frankie started evenly.
“Don’t start,” I warned and leveled the three of them with a death glare.
Tony ignored me and pushed a finger into Noah’s chest. “Yo man, what’s your intention with our sister?”
I pushed Tony’s meaty hand away and gave him the finger. “To fuck my brains out, obviously. And he does that very well. Fuck off, man.”
Frankie hid a smile behind his hand and Eddie’s shoulders were shaking hard to hide his laugh. Tony was kind of a meathead, and the tough-big brother act always annoyed me. He pulled the same shit on Jason, who had just rolled his eyes at him. Tony puffed out his chest, trying to be all alpha-male. Like Noah couldn’t take him down a peg in a heartbeat. Noah was not a fighter, which I was glad about because I worried about fighting and its impacts on concussions. I have seen him in the rare fight, though, and he could snap my annoying-ass brother in half.
“Answer the question, man!” Tony demanded.
“Don’t!” I warned just as Noah was opening his mouth. “Tony, will you just leave my boyfriend alone? Stop the overprotective older brother bullshit.”
“Boyfriend, huh?” Frankie asked amused.
Eddie was smiling too. “Good for you, D.”
“Boys!” my mother’s sharp voice called out. “Leave your sister alone.”
I sighed.
“You’re on your own!” Eddie joked and dashed off.
Coward.
Mom walked over to us and gave Noah a big hug. He had to hunch down to her height, but he was a good sport. “Noah! It’s good to see you again,” she beamed at him. She turned to me and hugged me tightly too.
Noah was a saint. He humored her while she peppered him with questions about what we were doing. In terms of, “How long have you been dating?” “Is it serious?” I drank my beer a little too quickly getting more and more annoyed while my mom started waxing poetic about wedding bells and new grand-babies.
“Mom!” I finally snapped. “Will you stop?”
“Honestly, Dinah, I’m just asking because you’re not getting any younger. You don’t get pregnant now you might miss your chance.”
Noah reached a hand out to me and squeezed mine. He knew that I had never told my family that I couldn’t have kids. Tears were pricking at my eyes but I refused to let them fall. I downed my beer and went to grab another. If it wasn’t for Noah I might not be here gritting my teeth to fight off snapping at my mother. I had never told my family that I couldn’t have kids. My mom was too traditional, too much into the fact that women should find a good man and have kids with him.
I almost died during my miscarriage because I was hemorrhaging and I didn’t know it. They had to perform surgery on me, and there was some scarring. The doctors had told me if I really wanted a kid, I could try IVF, but it was costly and unlikely. They gave me a one percent chance of bringing another pregnancy to term. I had since made my peace with it, but I didn’t like to talk about it. My life could be fulfilled without a husband or children in it, but I was not bringing that conversation up with my family. No wonder Eddie was scared to tell them that his business partner was his boyfriend. They just wouldn’t understand.
“I need some air,” I made an excuse and went outside with my beer.
Noah looked like he wanted to follow me but then my Dad had walked over and I knew he was going to drill Noah about the Bulldogs. In the backyard, I slunk against the wall and drank my beer slowly. I blinked the tears down my face thinking that I was finally alone.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” I smelt the cigarette before I heard Eddie’s voice asking the question.
FUCK!
I wiped my tears away. “Nothing,” I lied.
Eddie stubbed out his cigarette and pulled me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me like a good older brother. “Come on, tell me,” he urged.
Sobs racked my chest and I let it soak onto my brother’s leather jacket. “Shit, I’m sorry.”
“Hey, seriously, what’s wrong? Why isn’t your boyfriend out here consoling you? Did you get in a fight already?”
I shook my head. “Dad trapped him in a hockey conversation.”
Eddie laughed sarcastically. “Poor guy.”
“He’s a fucking Canadian saint, I swear!”
“Must be if he puts up with you.”
“Ass!”
He stuck his tongue out at me and I gave him my middle finger. “He’s good to you, though, right?”
“So good. Like I think I built him in a factory, Eds.”
He rolled his eyes at that. “So, why the fuck are you out here crying?”
I sighed. “Mom was going on and on about if we were going to get married and how we should do it soon if we want to have kids before my eggs shriveled up.”
“So? Just ignore her.”
“Eddie...I can’t have kids.”
Eddie looked down at me with a shocked and concerned look. “What do you mean?”
“I had a miscarriage right after Jason died. It was really bad, I almost bled to death, but Noah found me in the stairwell and took me to the hospital. I basically owe him my life.”
“Okay, so lots of women have miscarriages and go on to have kids later.”
I shook my head. “I had to have surgery and there was scaring. They suggested IVF being an option, but the likelihood of it being successful are slim. Like one percent. Basically I’m infertile.”
“Okay...that’s not the end of the world.”
I laughed. “Have you met our mother?”
He laughed too. “You should just tell her. Get it over with so she’ll give it a rest.”
I leveled him with a raised eyebrow. “Like how you told them about you and Alex?”
“Noah was there for you when it happened? He knows?” he asked, changing the subject.
I nodded.
“Fuck, sis. That man loves you.”
“I do,” came Noah’s voice from the back door. My gaze shifted over to him and I swiped my fingers across my face to wipe away the salty tears. “You okay?” he asked.
Eddie looked between us and slunk away suddenly. Noah put his hands on my shoulders to steady me. “Your family doesn’t know you can’t have kids.”
“Nope.”
“Oh, Dinah, I’m sorry,” he said softly. His hand grazed across my cheek, wiping away the last of the tears I had let fall.
“I’m sorry for abandoning you to deal with my dad.”
“I was more concerned about if you were okay.”
I looked up into his blue eyes and they were a storm of torment. Eddie was right, this man did love me and I was too much of a coward to say it back to him. “Be honest with me, do you want children?”
He balked. “What?”
“Noah, I can’t have kids. Even if I tried to do IVF, it likely won’t work. I could go through another painful miscarriage like before.”
“Lovey,” he whispered and ran his hand down my cheek. He caressed me there and I leaned into the warmth of his hand. “I care about you. You not being able to have kids isn’t a deal breaker for me. Okay?”
“Noah, if you want kids down the line—”
He cut me off by bending his head and capturing my lips in a soft kiss. I melted into him and pushed my fears to the side.