Your young family has decided to join in on a group holiday with your other nearest and dearest relatives and their families, all of whom don’t see each other enough because of busy schedules and different places of residence. For this family get-together, you’re converging at a rented holiday home somewhere beautiful and a little remote so you can relax and reconnect. Everyone is pitching in and laughing and joking at the first night’s dinner. You are all planning mutually acceptable activities for the holiday, and you will be going to most places together as a group. Everyone seems to be genuinely getting along like a house on fire . . . so far at least. It’s a great day one of seven. How do you know whether this idyllic situation will last?
BEFORE WE OUTLINE the key signals of group harmony that tell you the good times are going to last and the family holiday will not “go south,” let’s first look at context as it will overwhelmingly set the tone for this discussion: This family holiday is on neutral territory. You are not visiting a relative’s house—you are meeting somewhere new to all, and this levels the playing field, setting the stage for a possible equal power share, with nobody having home advantage. You are also in the context of the family, a tribe to which you all belong. What could go wrong?
THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If there was a hall of fame for body language expertise, ALLAN PEASE would undoubtedly head it up. Allan and Barbara Pease are the most successful body language and relationship authors in the business, with eighteen best-sellers, including ten number ones, and have given seminars in seventy countries. Allan is legendary for having trained Russian president Vladimir Putin in body language skills. So when Mark and Allan chat, you can just imagine the stories they might tell, having both worked with G8 leaders. But instead of spilling the beans on those encounters, Allan tells us how we might best detect if family members will really get along in the context of the family get-together.
For some people, family get-togethers can be a happy, joyful occasion. For many others, however, it’s an opportunity for the spilling of family blood, the venting of past grievances and for some family members to explain to you what you really should have done with your life. In a get-together with your friends, they usually show you how much they love or admire you, whereas family members may highlight all your past poor choices.
People who like each other will stand closer together and mirror each other’s gestures, facial expressions and voice inflection. Those who don’t like or respect you may also stand closer than usual but use contrary and aggressive gestures such as talking with their palms facing downward (authoritative), hands beating time with their words (driving home their point) and prolonged eye contact, like a lion watching their prey. People who are rejecting of your presence or your attitudes might cross their arms (barrier/rejection), nod their head with more than three beats (more than three nods is a “shut up” signal), and their foot or feet may face toward the door or toward another person, indicating where they would prefer to be.
If you have serial family offenders, tell them in advance how you expect them to behave with you and children, and clearly explain how they will be reprimanded if they play up. The main reason your negative old Aunty Mabel becomes unruly is because family members have always allowed it. Reward the offenders when they toe the line and show positive behavior toward others. Regularly touch, mirror and smile at everyone (with your teeth visible), and encourage others to do the same. If all else fails, don’t attend the family event. For most people, their list of best friends usually doesn’t contain many relatives. Just because you’re related to someone doesn’t mean you are obligated to them and have to put up with their rude, aggressive or stand-off body language or behavior. That’s why every Christmas vacation, I go overseas to another country.
The key signals telling you this will be the best family holiday ever: open and easy body language showing no fear of attack, lots of smiling from the group, with a genuine Duchenne smile with crinkles at the corners of the eyes, and possibly laughter. Relaxed proximity and mirroring open and positive body language are telltale signs that you can reserve the spot same time next year.
Now let’s SCAN this situation, suspend judgment and be more descriptive of other key signals that may be warning signs the fun and games are getting edgy and dangerous: At the beginning of strife, you may notice people participating in self-soothing behaviors, such as crossing their arms or holding onto themselves in a hugging posture. Touching releases oxytocin and makes us feel better. If tempers start to flare, watch out for invasions of others’ intimate or personal space (territory) without permission—in other words, a breakdown in respect for each other’s boundaries.
If you notice that people are trending toward spending more time hiding out with their electronic devices, this could indicate they are hiding out from the gang or feeling vulnerable. And if they display any of the following signs of aggression, anger or depression, it could signal that the gloves are about to come off: compressed (disappeared) lips, frowns, sneers, snarls and bared teeth. Remember that one signal on its own does not reveal a clear emotion. If you notice others fidgeting, sweating, using jerky movements or smacking their lips because of a dry mouth, this could indicate fear, and so the environment may be becoming psychologically or even physically dangerous if people’s needs are not being met or they feel threatened. Finally, watch out for regressive behaviors, or people trying to provoke conflict so they can act out, and of course anyone crying or leaving in a huff, all clear signs that a brouhaha is imminent.
When you look at the list of potential negative behaviors, it can read as a cautionary tale for planning that big family holiday in the first place, and you may decide to stay well clear. But what else can you consider that keeps you planning this trip? You may well ask, why not just go away on our own? Since the beginning of human culture, we have weighed the pros and cons of being in a group context as opposed to branching out with our single family unit and going it alone. The same need for survival that causes our primitive brains to drive us to fending for ourselves also causes our limbic brains to drive us to be tribal, to be a part of the gang. Both of these systems are judging, while under pressure, the pros and cons of being social versus antisocial, and comparing the advantages and disadvantages of each as if they were getting ready to face Armageddon, as opposed to a trip to the zoo or the family lobster boil, or in this case the family holiday.
Following are some of the positive judgments the primitive brain makes about going solo:
Meanwhile, the limbic system is thinking of the cons of going it alone:
The limbic system is also considering all the pros of teaming up:
But of course, the primitive brain under pressure understands the uncertainties that are poised against all of that:
And, of course, the most pressing issue:
There really is no middle ground here. You are either with the group or you aren’t. And being with the group bestows you with responsibility toward everyone else in the group, all of whom are implicated with the same responsibility toward you. It’s a collective. Sometimes this feels safe, and sometimes it feels very dangerous, just as when you go it alone.
There are many people taking part in your family vacation over many days, and so the dynamic may be fluid and changeable. And so whatever your new judgment is now, it may also change. Here’s a nonverbal technique to keep the peace and keep yourself and others from losing self-control. Many of the trickiest emotions to be around in their strongest forms, such as anger, contempt, fear and sadness, cannot be sustained for a long period of time. They cause too much strain on the body and mind because they are designed to signal to others strong enough feelings to change the environment for the better, right now. If you or a family member are going through a strong emotion, then move yourself or them away from the immediate environment for just ten minutes. You will most likely find that the strong emotions subside, and then you might be able to talk about the problem rather than just nonverbally reacting to the power of it. In this way you may be able to test the feelings that are present rather than be drawn into them.
BODY LANGUAGE MYTHBUSTER
Nature versus Nurture!
How big a role do different cultures and upbringings play in body language? There are universal behaviors that are controlled by the primitive brain, which in turn controls emotional behaviors and motivation. There are also behaviors that are influenced somewhat by culture or are totally cultural. All people may unconsciously compress their lips to show that something is negative. We also all eye block—covering eyes with hands or fingers—to control how data comes in through the eyes in the same way compressed lips control data through the mouth. But culture can influence the level to which we perform universal behaviors, such as when we crinkle our noses (as if something smells really bad). In some cultures they can be hardly perceptible, while in others these behaviors look exaggerated and potentially caricature-like to those not a part of that group. Culture can amplify instinctual behaviors in some circumstances as much as it can suppress them. And of course, there are strictly cultural gestures such as the predominantly modern North American thumbs-up sign, which we don’t recommend doing in Egypt, where it is considered a phallic gesture.
QUICK SCAN
S: Suspend judgment if only to be mindful of other cues that support the judgment, or alternatively if you notice clusters of signals that may tip you off to issues that can quickly crop up.
C: A neutral context in this scenario of visiting a place nobody has any prior territorial claim to creates an equal playing field and avoids potential negative behaviors from others.
A: Ask yourself the pros and cons of the big group gathering if times get tough. There is often strength and security in numbers.
N: New judgments may happen over the course of the week in this fluid situation.