What are you thinking?
—Everyone on a third date
Human beings have some of the most unique and complex mating rituals and practices in all of the animal kingdom. As our ability to be present both live and across multiple mediums and platforms grows exponentially, so too do the possibilities for how we communicate within the different arenas, and sending and receiving signs and signals in search of a partner can become increasingly convoluted and messy. Navigating the nonverbal signals we encounter live or online to get a sense of the truth and lies in each situation, and what they mean for us, is far from straightforward. Perhaps it’s no surprise that our attempts to negotiate the multitude of nonverbal behaviors that go hand in hand with these rituals can either win the day or really land us in trouble.
Many other species in the animal kingdom do what humans sometimes refer to as hooking up to procreate and nothing else. Few species have the social bonds that tie partners together as soulmates until death do us part or for some lengthy duration. So if we humans are sometimes actually playing the long game, thinking long term, we in turn need to get our communication right around these dating and mating rituals. After all, whether the decisions we make are right or wrong, we may feel the consequences over many years or even for generations to come. We’re in a high-risk situation, emotionally, socially and genetically.
Let’s take a moment to compare our mating rituals with those of other species. It turns out we share some similarities, which is worth noting, as many of our ideas and theories about the meaning of body language are based on where we’ve come from and how we’ve evolved. Let’s look, for example, at what we share in terms of power display, as it plays an important role within mating rituals.
Many animals, humans included, use color, size, movement, sound and scent in attracting mates, and all these expenditures will be at an intensity or rhythm that marks them out from their environments. For example, many species flaunt colorful aspects of themselves to stand out, displaying their powerful bodies and even social standing. Because of the intensity of these signals and the physical abilities animals need for the display to happen, they show off their health as well. Because of the expense of the display in terms of time, effort, energy, calories—in short, resources—the display will show the power of their social rank. In response to this power, the rest of the group can show submission, in effect by allowing the displays to happen. For certain species and communities, displays of dominance now and then are helpful for everyone in the group to make clear where they currently stand in the pecking order, or hierarchy. However, these displays in the animal kingdom can be high risk, as they may attract challengers and predators.
Though our human rituals may appear very similar at times to those of other species, there are crucial differences resulting from our advanced brain function, differing social landscapes, different expenditures of resources, different risk levels and differing goals and objectives from the start. Whereas some animal mating rituals can take just a few moments at a very specific time of year, for humans marketing themselves to potential partners, it can take anywhere from moments to years, depending on how, where and when we do so, and also on our goal. In the body language of mating, dating and seduction, we add an extra layer of nuance depending on whether we are trying to attract a buddy just for the night or find a partner for life.
Some of the body language signals we use to show off our power and attract others in both kingdoms are also the signals used to scare others off. So while we might puff out our chest to display power, are we also doing it to attract a mate, to warn off our competitors or both? And if this body language is directed at you, how do you know which the other sees you as, mate or menace?
This part of the book takes you through a sampling of identifiable dating situations and the power play within them that is signaled through body language. We’ll bust some of the myths about dating body language and get down to the power, truth and lies that our nonverbal signals can leak. And we’ll help you think more clearly about the signals you are sending out, to give you a nonverbal advantage in the dating game both online and off.