scene eighteen
“up to the roof”
The scene is the office of the Continental Branch of Consolidated Shirtmakers. The huge clock indicates it is nearly noon. With piston-like regularity the office force is performing its several functions.
The door of the elevator pops open and out come Mr. P, Mr. D, Mr. Q, and Mr. T, heads of the corporation. Perhaps there has been some kind of national convention. Anyway, each of them has a broad satin band draped over his chest which bears the initials listed above. They seem to be in a terrible state of excitement. They are pursued by the Office Boy who calls out:
office boy: Mr. P! D! Q! T! Stocks are tumbling, there’s a bear on the market!
p: Never mind that now.
d: We’ve something more important on our hands!
[They rush up to Mr. Gum’s desk.]
q: Gum!
gum [rising respectfully]: Yes, Mr. Q?
q: A dreadful rumor has just now reached our ears.
p: We understand—
d: That some little clerk in your department—
t: Has discovered stairs to the roof!
q: Is—this correct?
gum: Correct!
t: Ahhh, my—
d: Gracious—
p: Me! He’ll have to be eliminated—
d: At once!
q: He possesses knowledge that might very seriously disrupt the affairs of the corporation—
p: If it were indiscriminately passed around!
q: Who is this man?
gum: Benjamin D. Murphy.
p: Get him out, fire him, give him his notice this minute!
q: Wait, wait, wait! Aren’t you being a little bit obtuse? Fire Mr. Murphy and he’ll be out of our hands. What’s to prevent him, then, from telling them all about the stairs to the roof? I have a counter-proposal. Offer him something attractive enough to make it worth his while to be—discreet!
d: Q’s right.
p: Gum, do you know this man?
gum: He’s been an employee of Continental Branch of Consolidated Shirtmakers for the past eight years.
q: What kind of proposition would appeal to Mr. Murphy?
gum: I can’t say for certain. I judge him to be a man who longs for movement.
q: The road?
p: The road, the road!
q: Put him on the road, as far away from the office as you can get him!
gum: He mentioned some fond remembrance of Arizona.
q: Arizona!
p: Perfect! Nothing but Indians!
gum: Of course, I can’t give you any definite assurance that Benjamin D. Murphy is going to be interested in any kind of proposal, however beguiling, whose object is to obstruct what he considers to be the forward and upward will of the human spirit.
q: Hmmmm. What kind of a man is this Murphy?
gum: Did you ever read Oliver Twist?
q: Ahh. An orphan?
p: With criminal tendencies?
gum: An orphan, gentlemen, who is not satisfied with one bowl full of soup but walks straight up to the astonished Beadle and asks for more! “More?” says the astonished Beadle.
q: He didn’t get any more.
p: No, I remember the story. He didn’t get any more. He walked with his empty soup bowl back to the table and the table was bare!
gum: But that’s where the difference begins. Benjamin Murphy does not return to the bare table with the empty soup bowl. He squares right up to the astonished Beadle and says—“Yes! More!”
q: I always knew that the book was the wrong sort of reading for impressionable young minds. Where is he?
p: Yes, where is this latest edition of the dauntless orphan?
gum: Undoubtedly he’s up there on the roof this minute.
q: Fetch him!
p: Go up there and acquaint him with our proposition!
gum: Gentlemen, you forget that I’m a good “company” man. What do I know about the stairs to the roof? Where are they, P? D? Q? T?
q: Gentlemen! —We must search for the stairs to the roof!
[There is a roll of drums.]
fade
[Mr. E laughs very close by offstage.]