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Abigail
I’m not sure how long I’ve been lying here. I hear the door open and shut, I turn my head over and see Clayton. I’m sure he’s the most upset with me. Vic knew, but Clayton had no idea. We stare at each other for the longest time before I finally speak.
“I’m sorry.”
I see him stick his tongue in his cheek as he nods. “Did you even care? Knowing I was gonna be the one who found you?” I see the tears slip down his cheek as he stares at the floor.
“I wasn’t thinking. I said I’m sorry.” I bite my lip.
“I’m sorry too. Sorry, you feel so hopeless, so helpless. Sorry, you feel you can’t confide in anyone, not even us. Not even me. I tell you everything. I told you how helpless I felt when they came after me. How worthless. How I still feel that way sometimes. But you, you just keep stuffing it down. Look where it’s gotten you. I begged you to talk to someone...” He shudders from his crying and then sniffs, trying to pull it back. “I’m not trying to push blame. This is on us. We should have paid better attention. I should have paid better attention.”
“Please don’t hate me. The pills drown all the bad out. You can’t take care of me. No matter how much you may want to.”
“That’s just it; I love you. I can’t hate you, as for taking care of you, you have never let me or Vic actually try.” He sits beside me. “Honey, you’re so busy pushing us away, that you can’t see that the only thing in your way is you.”
“I’ll try harder; I swear I will. Clayton my arm is killing me, and they won’t do anything for it. Can’t you make them?”
“No, Honey, you came in with far over the limit in your system, they have to dry you out before they will even think about you getting anything even as strong as a Tylenol. I’m sorry, but you did this to yourself.”
“But, my arm hurts so bad.” I pull on the restraints. “They won’t even let me up.”
“If you stop pulling with all your might like that, Honey, it will stop hurting so much. You’re straining. Please, stop hurting yourself so they will let you up, so I can hug you and kiss you some.”
“I’ll be good if you just get them to let me up. I swear. Please, Clayton, please.”
“Honey, it’s not up to me, it’s all on you. You have to do what’s good for you. Only you know what that is. I can’t tell you what they want. I don’t know. But begging for pills? Does that seem like the right way to go?” He tries to smooth my hair away from my face. I jerk my head away from his touch.
“Don’t touch me. You won’t help me. I don’t know what you’re even doing here.”
“Fine. Than sleep alone.” He stands up. “If they give you your phone back ever, you know how to reach me.” He turns to walk out.
“No, stop, please. Don’t leave me alone! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean too.”
“You going to curb that acid tongue of yours? Quit acting like a junkie? It’s so beneath you.”
“It’s what I am, Clayton! I was born into it. What do you expect from me?”
“BETTER! God Damnit! Abigail! I expect you to be better! I expect to see you full of fire! Full of piss and vinegar like the girl I met in August! That girl was a fighter! She would take the one I’m looking at now and kick her ass from here to next Tuesday if she saw her!” He’s in my face, spitting bullets. “I want the future mother of my children to fight for fuck's sake! Because I love her! Because Vic loves her! Even when she can’t love herself!”
The first tear falls from my eyes. “I hate myself. My will to live was torn from me at the lawyer. My last glimmer of hope taken. I tried to fight. I can’t fight anymore; it’s all gone.” I slur, trying to wipe my face with my shoulder.
Clayton wipes my face with a tissue. “Then we get a better lawyer. One that isn’t from Amell. One that can’t be bought. Or we upload that fucking video to the net and let it go viral to every city councilman in the district and see if they can ignore it then.”
“Of course you’d say that. It’s not you on display in that video, Clayton!” I shout at him.
“At least I’m looking at options. If it were me, I’d do any and everything to make sure the fucks don’t get away with it. I- you know what this is pointless. You do what you want, You always do.” He shakes his head.
“Clayton, you were raped once! One fucking time and I’m sorry for that, but what they’ve done, it’s been for years with pictures and videos. It will happen again. I can feel it.”
“Are you telling me there are more videos somewhere? More pictures?” He snarls. “Why haven’t you said so before now?”
“I’m sure they’ve gotten rid of them.” I try to shrug. “I need to use the bathroom. Can you please see if they’ll let me up?”
“I’ll get a nurse.” He barely looks at me as he walks out and down the hall.
Maybe Clayton shouldn’t be the one staying with me. At least when Vic and I argue, we both get enjoyment out of it. Nine times out of ten, it leads to sex. It’s how we work. Clayton is supposed to be the soft one. I’m shaking all over. It's the same thing I do when I go too long without taking anything.
"Miss Greenwood, your friend, tells me you need to use the restroom would you like to clean up while you're in there?" I just nod. More time alone. The nurse lets me up and follows me to the bathroom, "Everything you need is right there; I'm going to see if you have any clothes." She cracks the door
I can hear the nurse talking to Clayton now. "She's going to need clothes. Maybe if she has something of her own, it will help." I flush, turning on the shower.
“I’ve got a bag with her belongings,” Clayton says dryly. “You need to make sure that no males enter that room.”
"Are you planning to stay with her?"
“Come hell or high water. That’s my girl in there. She may forget it, or even hate me right now, for it, but she needs to realize she needs to be here. Things can’t get better if she doesn't make a change.”
"You know we can't make her stay as long as she stays calm. I do need to ask the acts of violence? Is she that way a lot?"
“She’s not mental. It’s just she’s been through some shit, and she won’t talk to anyone, ya know? I’ve begged her to, but she has to come to it on her own, I guess my love isn’t strong enough to get us through this; we need help. She needs help.”
"Girls always have a harder time asking for help. We're often strong-willed creatures. The withdrawals will be starting. You may not be able to handle her, and that's quite alright. If we can get her to stay, then we'll help you through it."
“Good luck, she doesn’t do anything that she doesn’t want to do, let alone if it’s good for her.” Clayton sighs. “ Give her this, tell her I’ll be back in a few.”
“I will, and I’ll stay with her till you get back. Maybe I can get her to eat something. Anything in particular she likes?”
With that, I get in the shower. I need to hear nothing else. I don’t need to hear them talk about how little I am or my weight. I got what I needed as long as I’m calm I can leave. I just need to not fight with Clayton long enough to get out of here.
When I come out of the shower, and as I’m getting dressed, the nurse walks in. “I’ve got your toothbrush and toothpaste.”
“Thank you.”
“Your friend said he’ll be right back. Do you need anything? Want to watch tv?”
“Can I have my phone?”
“Mister Cross has it along with your purse. He did leave a notebook and pen.”
“Okay, I’m just going to finish here.”
I finish in the bathroom, coming out I sit on the bed where my pad and pen are waiting. I pull the little table close to me so I can use it to write. Opening the pad, I see that my song is gone. What the hell? Where’s my song? I run my fingers through my hair. I can’t show how I feel. I need to write. I need to do something to get my mind off the twitching.
I should have held on to my innocence
I should have never let them lie
Nobody really understands
They’re the reason I’m broken and bruised
I guess I got what I deserved
I can’t let go of anything
Especially when the pain gets really bad
Guess I should have been more
I’m not strong as I should be
They make me believe I’m nothing
You deserve better than me
He’s better to you than I can be
Please help me find my pride
You can make me smile when nobody can
You love me, and I hurt you
You should have never let me lie
I guess I got what I deserve...
