2 Why Follow a Routine?

Many years have passed since I first typed the four words, “Why follow a routine?” Little did I know then the controversy those four simple words would create. But here I am still, explaining again why I think routine is important. I must stress that my views have not changed one little bit from when I wrote my first book. I personally believe that the majority of babies thrive and are happier in a routine. But I certainly realize and respect that following a routine is not the best choice for all parents.

There is already so much advice out there for “baby-led parenting”; therefore, the advice I give in my books is for those parents who believe that they and their baby will be happier with more structure. I assume that one of the reasons you are reading this book is that you already have a certain level of structure in your life and that you believe you will cope with your baby better by following some sort of routine. If this is the case then I can assure you that following Contented Little Baby routines will most certainly benefit both you and your baby. They are followed successfully by hundreds of thousands of parents around the world. Follow your own instinct as a parent as to what works best for you and your baby; use the routines and advice in this book as tools to help you be the parents that you want to be.

Why the CLB Routines Are Different

During the years that I worked as a maternity nurse, I read hundreds of books on child care. I have also had the unique privilege of working personally with more than 300 families around the world. It is because of these parents and their beautiful babies that I feel I am able to share with you so much of what I have learned, which I hope will help you overcome many of the everyday challenges of parenting.

I would typically arrive at a home a few days after the birth and live with the family 24/7 for periods of 3–5 days, or sometimes several weeks to six months. While the media make much of the fact that many of my clients were rich and famous, I can assure you that most of the families I helped were not. They often had to get outside help because of health issues, family bereavement or other personal circumstances. Whether they lived in a mansion with 20 bedrooms or a walk-up apartment with only one bedroom, were a rock or movie star, struggling actor, high-profile banker or teacher, these parents all had two things in common—they wanted to ensure that their baby was happy and contented and that they could manage to meet all of their baby’s needs as well as cope with the demanding lives they led.

When I started, the leading child-care books all endorsed baby-led parenting and claimed that it was impossible to put a small baby into a routine. The implication was that if parents even attempted to do so, they could seriously damage the child’s health.

In my first book I said that, having successfully spent many years teaching parents how to put their newborns into a routine that results in a happy, thriving, contented baby, I can only assume that the authors of these books have not personally worked with enough babies to know this is possible. The fact that The Contented Little Baby Book became a runaway bestseller through personal recommendation is proof enough that the statement I made in my first edition in 1999 has been proved true.

Parents who have properly read the book, the routines and the advice I give can testify that the CLB routines really do work. Unlike old-fashioned every-four-hours feeding, they do not involve leaving a baby to yell until a feeding is due or letting him cry himself to sleep for lengthy periods. While establishing a routine is often very hard work and requires sacrifices on the part of the parents, hundreds of thousands of parents around the world will testify that it is worth it because they quickly learn how to meet the needs of their babies so that any distress is kept to a minimum.

Benefits for Your Baby

The reason that the CLB routines are different from traditional every-four-hours routines is that they are created to meet the natural sleep and feeding needs of all normal, healthy babies. They also allow for some babies needing more sleep than others and some going longer between feedings than others. The aim of the routines is not to push your baby through the night without a feeding but to ensure that structuring his eating and sleeping during the day will keep his nighttime waking at a minimum. He will wake and eat quickly before settling back to sleep. The routines also ensure that once your baby is capable of going longer between feedings, this will happen in the middle of the night, not during the day. The basis of these routines evolved over many years of observing babies in my care. Some babies would develop an eating pattern very quickly with little prompting, while others would be difficult to feed and settle for many weeks.

The following are the main observations that I made from babies who settled into a pattern quickly:

The parents had a positive approach, wanted a routine and tried to keep the first couple of weeks as calm as possible.

Handling of the baby by visitors was kept to a minimum so that the baby felt relaxed and secure in his new surroundings (which is especially important when the baby is first brought home from the hospital).

The baby always had regular sleep times in a quiet room.

The baby was kept awake for a short spell after the daytime feedings.

When he was awake and had been well fed and winded, he was then stimulated and played with for short periods.

A bedtime routine was established from day one. He would be bathed at the same time every evening, then fed and settled in a quiet room. If the baby did not settle, the parents would ensure that they kept things as quiet as possible and continued to comfort him in a dimly lit room until he did eventually settle.

Benefits for You

Listening to their baby crying is stressful for parents, particularly if the crying goes on for any length of time despite all their attempts to calm him. By following the CLB routines, you will soon learn the signs of hunger, tiredness, boredom and many other reasons why young babies get upset. The fact that you are able to understand his needs and meet them quickly and confidently will leave both you and your baby calm and reassured and avoid unnecessary crying. The common situation of fretful baby and anxious parents is avoided.

The other big plus for parents following my routines is that they have free time in the evening to relax and enjoy each other’s company. This is not usually possible for parents who follow baby-led parenting, as any attachment parenting Web site will show the early evening is a time when these babies are often particularly fretful and require endless rocking and patting to try to keep them calm.

Other Approaches

The routines and advice in this book evolved over many years. During my time as a maternity nurse, I tried and tested various ways of establishing breast-feeding and healthy sleep habits. Before I further expand on why I believe my methods are so successful, I will briefly discuss the other methods I have had experience with over the years, which I hope will give you an insight into why I believe that the CLB routines can be of great benefit to today’s readers.

Strict Every-Four-Hours-Feeding Routine

This routine evolved when hospital birth took over from home delivery many decades ago, and women would stay in the maternity unit for up to 10–14 days. Their babies were brought to them from the nursery every four hours and given a strict 10–15 minutes on each breast before being returned to the nursery. Although such routines are more associated with our grandmothers’ generation, there are still parents nowadays who believe that babies can be slotted into them. During my early years of working as a maternity nurse, I did work with some families that adopted these routines and, for some babies they did succeed, particularly if they were formula-fed.

However, I did find that trying to establish breast-feeding with a strict every-four-hours schedule, in which feedings were limited to a strict 10–15 minutes on each breast, did not work for most babies. The mother, believing that the reason her baby was not managing to stick to the schedule was because she was not producing enough milk, would be pressured early on to introduce top-up feedings of formula in order to get the baby to nurse at the right times according to the routines. I would be a multimillionaire if I had a dollar for every grandmother who said to me, “My milk dried up the minute I left the hospital.” The reality was that, due to rigid routines and restricted timing of feedings, the mother’s milk had started to dry up long before she left the hospital. The trend for bottle-feeding became well established in the 1950s and 1960s, with many mothers not even attempting to breast-feed. This trend continued well into the 1970s. Then, as research started to unearth more and more information regarding the health benefits of breast-feeding, the trend started to swing back again. Mothers were told not to restrict feedings and to allow their babies to nurse for as long as was needed to satisfy their hunger.

The CLB routines are not about strict four-hour-feeding schedules. It might be many weeks before an every-four-hours pattern can emerge, and I urge you not to be pressured into it, however keen you are to establish a routine. The main reasons every-four-hours feeding can fail:

Six feedings a day in the early days are usually not enough to stimulate a good milk supply.

Babies need to nurse little and often in the early days; restricting him to six feedings a day may lead to his being short of his daily intake.

Babies between one week and six weeks old usually need at least 30 minutes to reach the hind milk.

Hind milk is at least three times higher in fat content than fore milk and is essential for satisfying your baby’s hunger.

Demand Feeding

Although I did look after some babies that were put on a strict every-four-hours-feeding routine from birth, much of my experience in the early days of my career was with babies who were being fed on demand.

The advice given then is the same nowadays. Mothers are encouraged to let their babies take the lead, allowing them to nurse as often and for as long as they want. This method, like the every-four-hours method of feeding, did succeed for some babies, but it did not work for a huge number that I was asked to help. Very early in my experience, it became obvious that, quite simply, many newborn babies do not demand to be fed. This is particularly true of low-birth-weight babies and twins.

That is my main objection to demand feeding. If you had had the experience of sitting by the bedside of a baby only days old, fighting for his life because he has become seriously dehydrated through not being fed enough, you would probably feel the same way. Dehydration is a very serious problem among newborn babies and one that many new parents are now aware.

The production of breast milk works on a supply-and-demand basis, so babies who are allowed to sleep for long periods between feedings are not put to the breast often enough in a 24-hour period to signal the breasts to make enough milk. Mothers are lulled into a false sense of security that they have a baby who is easy and sleeps well.

In fact, what they have is a very sleepy baby who normally, 2–3 weeks down the line, will start waking more often and demanding more milk than the mother is producing. A pattern quickly emerges of the baby having to feed every couple of hours, day and night, in order to meet his daily nutritional needs.

The current advice is that this pattern is normal and that the baby will sort itself out, but mothers are not told that with some babies it may take months! Sometimes a pattern does emerge in which the baby will go longer between feedings. But often the baby is eating so much in the night that when he does wake for feedings during the day, they tend to be short and small. This leads to a vicious circle of the baby needing to feed more in the night to satisfy his daily needs. The mother then becomes exhausted. This exhaustion can often lead to some or all of the following problems:

Exhaustion and stress reduce the mother’s milk supply, increasing the baby’s need to nurse little and often.

Babies who continue to need to nurse 10–12 times a day after the first week often become so exhausted from lack of quality sleep that they become even more tired and feed for shorter and shorter periods.

Exhaustion can lead to the mother getting sick.

Being too tired to concentrate properly can lead to positioning the baby incorrectly on the breast. Poor positioning is the main reason for painful and often cracked and bleeding nipples, which again reduces how well the baby feeds at the breast.

A sleepy baby left too long between feedings in the early days reduces the mother’s chances of building up a good milk supply.

Another reason I am so opposed to the term demand feeding is that it is often taken too literally. If the baby is fed every time he cries, mothers tend not to look for other reasons as to why the baby may be crying—overstimulation or overtiredness, for example.

Of course, all babies must be fed if they are genuinely hungry; no baby should have to cry to be fed or should be kept on a strict timetable if he is genuinely hungry. But in my experience, and if research on sleeping problems is anything to go by, a huge number of demand-fed babies do not automatically fall into a healthy sleeping pattern months down the line. Many continue to wake and feed little and often long after they are capable of going a longer spell in the night. Another problem is that babies who continue to feed little and often invariably end up being fed to sleep. This creates a whole other set of sleeping problems, in which they have learned the wrong sleep associations and cannot get to sleep without being nursed.

Whether you are the parent of a newborn baby or of an older baby, I urge you not even to attempt to start the routines until you have read and understood Chapters Three, Milk Feeding in the First Year, and Four, Understanding Your Baby’s Sleep, on feeding and sleeping in the first year. Because CLB routines are not like the old-fashioned every-four-hours routines, it is not just a case of trying to fit your baby’s feeding and sleeping into the times I suggest. The CLB routines change ten times during the first year. The times given for feeding and sleeping in each set of the routines are approximate guidelines for your baby’s age, not rigid rules. You need to understand the principles behind the routines so that you can make necessary adjustments to ensure that your baby’s individual needs are being met.

Your Questions Answered

I am six months pregnant, and like many new mothers-to-be, I am concerned about how I am going to cope with the sleepless nights. My prenatal class stresses the importance of demand feeding, that new babies should be fed when they need it and that I should not attempt a routine in the early days. I am concerned that if I try to follow your routines, I may be denying my baby food when he is hungry.

The CLB routines are not about denying babies food when they are hungry. Quite the opposite. My main concern about demand feeding with very young babies is that a great many babies do not demand to be fed in the very early days. This can lead to many serious problems, the main one being that a baby who is not feeding from the breast will not stimulate the breast to produce enough milk. We, therefore, arrive at the situation, three or four weeks down the line, in which a mother is trying to feed her baby and not producing enough milk. A vicious circle then evolves in which the mother is feeding the baby every 1–2 hours, night and day, to satisfy his needs—but by this time, exhaustion has set in. This is one of the main reasons why the milk supply decreases and women find they have to stop breast-feeding.

In the very early days I always advise a mother to assume that, if the baby is crying, then hunger is probably the main reason, and the baby should be fed. However, I do stress that if a baby is continually crying and unhappy, then you should look for reasons why the baby cannot last the three hours between feedings. Often the baby has not been latched on properly to the breast and, while he may appear to be constantly sucking for up to an hour, much of the time he is not actually drinking well. This is why mothers who are breast-feeding and finding that their baby is not going happily for 2–3 hours between feedings should always seek advice from a lactation consultant. Any healthy baby weighing more than 6 lbs. at birth should manage to go three hours between feedings—that is, three hours from the beginning of a feeding to the beginning of the next feeding (which ends up being only two hours between feedings). This will only happen if the baby receives enough breast milk to satisfy his needs.

Q	Do I really have to wake my newborn baby up to feed him? He wants to sleep all the time and I am tempted to leave him.

I do understand. It is a great temptation to catch up on other things during the daytime while your baby sleeps. But your baby will only be this sleepy for a few short weeks and he will then increasingly want to be awake, playing and having social time with you and others. He won’t know the difference between day and night, and unless you gently guide him into a routine, you could end up with him wide awake and wanting to play games at 4 a.m. So, yes, I do stress the importance of waking the baby every 2–3 hours during the first week to ensure that the breasts are stimulated enough to increase the mother’s milk production. Waking the baby every three hours throughout the day will ensure that the baby will more than likely wake only once in the night between midnight and 6 a.m. A mother who is well rested and relaxed will be much more likely to produce an abundant milk supply than a mother who is tired and stressed. In the long term, you will both benefit from establishing this pattern.

Several friends and relations have said that it is cruel to wake a sleeping baby and that he will wake when he is ready to nurse. I am a very organized person and feel that following a routine would be best for both my baby and me, but I am frightened that I could do some sort of psychological or physical damage to my baby by waking him.

It is obvious that the people who say it is cruel to wake a sleeping baby to feed him have never had to care for very premature or sick babies, as I have. Waking these babies on a regular basis so they feed little and often was the only way to ensure their survival. Over the years, watching these babies grow up into young children, I have never seen any of them show signs of psychological or physical damage. I am convinced that there is a bigger risk of such damage to both baby and mother if a situation arises in which a baby is up and demanding to be fed every hour in the night. In the early days I advise feeding a baby little and often to establish breast-feeding. Sometimes this will involve waking him, but I advise that should a young baby demand feeding before three hours, then he must, of course, be fed. A pattern will quickly be established for both you and your baby from which you will both benefit.

The current advice is that parents should have their baby in the same room with them for all sleep periods during the first six months. I am concerned that my baby will not sleep well in our living room for naps and in the evening and that it will be difficult to get him used to sleeping in his nursery when he does reach six months. How easy is it to establish your routines while also adhering to the new guidelines?

The majority of parents with whom I have worked have had their baby sleep with them in their room at night. The latest advice is that your baby should be put down for all his sleeping in the room you are in until he is six months old. This means that it will take more time to get him used to his nursery. However, getting your baby used to his own room sooner rather than later can help you avoid disrupting and unsettling him when he reaches six months. You can make the nursery a peaceful haven for him by using it for diaper changing, feeding and winding down or quiet playtime.

In terms of settling your baby to sleep in another room, try to keep things as calm and quiet as possible for him to help distinguish between “awake” time and time for sleeping. It is unlikely that you will have a crib in two places in your home; therefore, a bassinet with a proper, firm mattress would be an acceptable option. Follow the same guidelines for settling your baby in the bassinet as those given for settling him in a crib: place him in the bassinet with his feet at the bottom, and firmly tuck in any sheets and blankets. Putting the hood up during sleep times will help keep out the light and help your baby sleep better.

Last, remember that these recommendations are only for the first six months; after that you can start to settle your baby in his own room for naps and nighttime sleep. (See Chapter Thirteen, Months Six to Nine, for advice on how to make the transition easier for him.)

Q	Is it true that you say babies should not be cuddled? I keep reading that babies need lots of physical affection and attention in order for them to feel secure.

I have always stressed the importance of physical contact and affection with your baby. However, I do say that parents should make sure that the cuddling and affection they give is to satisfy their baby’s emotional needs before their own. And, crucially, there is a difference between cuddling your baby and cuddling him to sleep. If he gets used to the latter, it will create a dependence that you will have to break at some point—and it is much easier to get him used to settling himself to sleep when he is three weeks old than it will be when he is three months or three years old.

Q	While I would like a routine when my baby is born, I do not want to let him cry for long spells.

I would never advise that young babies should be left to cry for lengthy periods to get themselves to sleep. I do stress that some overtired babies will fight sleep, and they should be allowed a 5–10 minute “crying-down” period. They should never be left for any longer than this before they are checked again. I also stress that a baby should never be left to cry for even 2–3 minutes if there is any doubt that he could be hungry or need burping.

Some babies who have reached six months or a year and are waking several times a night because they have learned the wrong sleep associations, brought on by demand feeding or being rocked or cuddled to sleep, might need some form of sleep training.

Any form of sleep training is always a last resort to get an older baby to sleep during the night and should only be used once parents are absolutely sure that the baby is not waking because he is hungry. I also advise that before commencing sleep training you should take your baby to see the pediatrician to make sure there are no medical problems.

The whole aim of the CLB routines is to ensure that from the very beginning the baby’s needs are being met so that he does not need to cry for any length of time. The guidelines I give are also to help mothers understand the different reasons why a baby might cry. If a baby is in a routine from a very early age, the mother will quickly learn to understand and even anticipate his needs. I have found that this results in the baby crying very seldom—around 5–10 minutes a day in my experience.

Q	I have read that on your routines a baby should not be fed in the middle of the night once she reaches 12 weeks. Surely all babies are different and a baby should not be forced to go without food if she is hungry?

Some babies, particularly breast-fed babies, may need to be fed once in the middle of the night until they are five or six months old. The majority of babies I have cared for would sleep through the night (i.e. from the late feeding until 6 to 7 a.m.) somewhere between eight and 12 weeks. The huge response that I’ve received from readers indicates that this is the average age at which babies forming routines will sleep for a longer period of time. Each baby, of course, is an individual, but if your baby does not sleep through the night until he is seven months old, neither you, nor I, nor your baby has “failed.” My routines are there to help you begin to structure your days and nights, and perseverance will pay off when your baby is ready.

How quickly a baby sleeps through the night is very much determined by his weight and the amount of milk he is capable of drinking at each feeding during the day. Babies who are capable of drinking only small amounts would obviously need a feeding in the night for longer than a baby who is capable of drinking a larger amount at each feeding during the day. The aim of the CLB routines is not to push the baby through the night as quickly as possible or to deny the baby a feeding in the night if he genuinely needs one. It is to ensure that the baby receives most of his nutritional needs during the day so that when he is physically and mentally ready to go through the night he will automatically do so. The responses I have had, along with my many years of experience caring for babies, confirm that this approach works.

Q	I read a message from a mother in an online parenting chat room that she is very lonely and depressed following your routines as it leaves her no time to get out and do anything else.

I have always said that putting a young baby into a routine can be very demanding on the parents, particularly in the early weeks. However, by the time a baby is 2–3 months of age, a pattern has usually emerged in which the baby can stay awake for longer periods during the day and sleep for longer periods at night. In my experience of working with hundreds of mothers, their social outings were certainly restricted for the first 2–3 weeks, but after that, I cannot recall many mothers who did not manage to meet their friends most afternoons between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m. or for coffee in the mornings. Once you and your baby have gotten the hang of the routines, you can adapt them to suit you all better. The mothers I have worked with have felt that it is worth putting in the hard work at the beginning because the result is a contented baby who sleeps well at night and enjoys his social times during the day. A mother who has had a good night’s sleep will be able to enjoy his days more, too!

I always advise mothers, in the early days, to try to ensure that at least every second day they arrange for a friend or relative to visit them so that they do not feel lonely or abandoned. I also stress the importance of a walk every day with the baby to get some fresh air.

Q	In your routines you tell mothers when to eat and drink. This strictness puts me off.

You can eat and drink whenever you like! In the early days mothers are often exhausted and put their own needs—even the basics such as eating and drinking—at the bottom of their list of priorities. Struggling with a newborn on your own can mean that you find yourself at lunchtime having only had a piece of toast and half a cup of tea. As a nursing mom, you need to eat plenty of food regularly and to drink plenty of water in order to produce enough milk for your baby and to keep up your own energy levels. I know that many people using my routines refer to my book several times a day so the hours suggested for breakfast and lunch and for drinking lots of water are a reminder not to neglect yourself—and they fit in with what your baby is doing, helping make it easier for you to care for yourself, too.

Q	Why are your routines so rigid? Surely half an hour here or there won’t make much difference?

The New Contented Little Baby Book contains more than 10 different routines, taking you from week one of your baby’s life right up to the end of his first year. They have been carefully compiled to allow for your baby growing and changing. As he goes through his first three months, he will gradually need less and less daytime sleep as he enjoys being awake and playing with you. He needs stimulation and fun during the day. He will need weaning at some point (current guidelines recommend exclusive breast-feeding for six months). His sleeping and eating needs are constantly changing throughout his first year of life. In my experience, adapting to your baby’s changing needs is best done slowly and steadily. My routines are specific in order to help you to make those gradual changes. Once your baby is sleeping for 12 hours every night, you will feel a huge sense of relief, and he will be getting the long, deep sleep that he needs for healthy growth and development.

My routines are designed around babies’ natural rhythms and they work. You do not have to stick rigidly to them, but half an hour discrepancy can end up disrupting the rest of your day and, possibly, your night. For example, if your day begins closer to 8 a.m. than 7 a.m., you will find your baby has a later nap at around 1 p.m. If he doesn’t wake until after 3 p.m. you will find it difficult to get him to settle at 7 p.m., as he is unlikely to be sleepy by then. If the last feeding of the day is closer to 8 p.m., you could find as a result that he does not want his 10 p.m. feeding and will wake in the night. This is certainly not the end of the world occasionally but, over a period of time and as his nutritional needs change, you could find that he continues to wake at night, leaving you exhausted.

Q	I have been trying to follow your routines for four weeks but my baby is not anywhere close to fitting in with them. I feel like a failure and wonder if I should just give up and let her nurse and sleep whenever she wants.

It can be very difficult in the early days, and many parents understandably feel it would be easier on them if they let the baby decide what she wants to do. Bear in mind you are recovering from the birth; and looking after a baby, routine or not, is extremely hard work. My routines make sure the hard work is limited to as short a period as possible. Think how hard it would be if your baby were still waking in the night at nine months old. I can assure you it is worth persevering.

Don’t necessarily expect instant contentment, but the result of sticking with the routines in the first weeks is a more enjoyable babyhood and toddlerhood for you and your child. When your baby does fit in, and she will very soon, the routines are there to help guide you and your baby into what represents the baby’s natural patterns and rhythms. Remember that you are not “failing” if your baby doesn’t fit in; just keep going, taking a day at a time. As every experienced parent and grandparent will be telling you—the first few months go very quickly.

Start each day at 7 a.m. and attempt to follow the day’s routine, but if it has gone awry by lunchtime because your baby is wide awake at nap time and sleepy during the social times I suggest, don’t panic. Keep repeating the same pattern of feedings and sleep every day as best you can, and your baby will pick it up very soon. If she is crying for food before I say she should be fed and you have tried distracting her or playing with her, then you must, of course, feed her. If you really cannot rouse her from a sleep when it’s time to play, then leave her a bit longer and don’t give yourself or her a hard time. Get up in the morning and try again without feeling you or your baby is getting it “wrong.” I applaud mothers these days who are probably looking after their babies on their own during the days without the support of grandmas or aunties nearby. It’s very hard work. You are not alone in going through the experience however, and you are certainly not a failure—it will get better!

Q	Why are you so strict about avoiding eye contact at the late feeding? I feel very cruel depriving my baby of cuddles and this close contact.

Please don’t deprive your baby of cuddles! Nowhere do I suggest you should not cuddle your baby. On the contrary, a baby who is being held close to his mother, whether breast-fed or bottle-fed, will enjoy nursing and be ready to return to a contented sleep after he has been burped and settled down quietly. I suggest avoiding eye contact at the late and night feedings to help you show your baby gently that this is not playtime. Your cuddles can be very close, but overstimulating him during this winding-down time can cause him to become overtired and unable to settle well. He needs his sleep for his mental and physical development, and without it, he could become fretful, irritable and inconsolable. I feel it is better for the baby to be played with, sung to, shown interesting toys and books when he is wide awake and able to enjoy himself. Cuddling must be about your baby’s needs and not just your own.

Q	Your routines are so strict. When can I enjoy my baby without worrying about what he should be doing next?

I sincerely hope that all parents enjoy their baby, from the first exciting day they come home from hospital, right through babyhood, toddlerhood and beyond. Every day is filled with opportunities for cuddling, playing, singing, reading, splashing in the bath, tickling toes while diaper changing and chatting to your baby. But it is beyond doubt that a contented baby is best able to appreciate and participate in these activities. My routines are there to support and help you find a structure to your days that will result in a contented baby. They are not for everyone, however, and if you feel stressed by following a routine then stop trying. My routines can help you avoid long-term problems, such as overtiredness due to overstimulation; sleep association in which a baby has to be rocked to sleep or driven round the block; or continual night waking that leaves you feeling exhausted each morning. Should any of these problems develop, you could turn to my book later for help.

Bonding evolves slowly over many weeks, and for many mothers without help or support, there can be—along with feelings of joy and love for a new baby—feelings of sheer exhaustion, failure and frustration. Nights of broken sleep do not help, and mothers often contact me because they feel guilty and resentful that they are not enjoying their baby. Weeks of sleep-deprivation caused by endless middle-of-the-night feeding are bound to hamper bonding and enjoyment of your baby. My routines are there to help you and your baby, not to cause stress, anxiety or feelings of inadequacy. A positive approach to them will help enormously.

Q	I have a toddler as well as a new baby to care for, and I cannot seem to get your routines to work around both of them.

This is an important point. Many mothers find that school schedules for older children mean that the nap times I suggest are not workable. If you used my routines with your first child, you will at least find the 7 a.m. start and 7 p.m. bedtime already established in your household. Your toddler may still take a lunchtime nap if he is less than three, and this can combine nicely with the baby’s nap. You might even get an overlap of half an hour to yourself! I suggest that you concentrate on sticking to my suggested amounts of daytime sleep. So if you have to adapt your baby’s daytime sleep around your toddler’s routine, try not to let the baby exceed the recommended amount of daily sleep. Then bedtime will at least be guaranteed, and you can have an evening to rest and recover from caring for two young children.