My eyes opened slowly. My brain expected to see my bedroom at my apartment on the Academy grounds, just like any normal morning on campus, but the room was only vaguely familiar. It took me a moment, but I finally remembered where I was. We were still at the safe house by the Threshold border.
The last thing I remembered was fighting with my inner light to try to save Voss from his state of misery. Then a picture flashed in my mind of the very last thing I saw before I passed out. In that final moment, Voss’s black eyes stared back at me with a tormented look. And then the strangest feeling came over me as I noticed one tiny corner of his eye that wasn’t black anymore. A fragment of luminous blue shown through, seeming out of place against the darkness. It was like a tiny piece of Voss’s light had been restored.
I rolled on my side, wishing to forget the image of Voss, when a comforting face caught my eye.
Jax sat up from a slouched position in his chair next to my bed. “Hey, you’re awake,” he greeted cheerfully.
Suddenly, my last memory of Jax sprang to mind. He was shot and covered in blood, his body on the verge of death.
“Jax!” I cried. “Are you okay? Are you still hurt?”
I bounced forward in the bed toward him.
Jax laughed. “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
“So, you’re okay then? I healed you?” I asked earnestly.
He smiled. “Thanks to you, I’m as good as new.”
I lunged forward and threw my arms around his neck. “I’m so glad that you’re okay.”
Jax squeezed me back. “You were amazing, Sade. You saved my life out there.” He pulled back to look at me. “What about you? Are you feeling okay?”
Despite the sudden burst of energy I had when I first saw Jax, I couldn’t deny how exhausted I felt.
I yawned and sat back against the bed. “I’m still pretty tired.”
As I started to gain my bearings a flash of concern crossed my mind. Where was everybody else? What happened to the team after I passed out?
I sat forward again abruptly. “Where’s Rayne?” I asked in alarm.
“It’s okay,” Jax said. “Rayne just went to pick up some dinner. You must be starving.”
“Dinner?” I repeated. “Wait, how long was I out? What happened with Voss?”
Jax smiled warmly. “Don’t worry. Voss is in custody in Banya. Orion and the rest of the team are back in Banya as well. Rayne and I stayed here to wait for you to wake up. You slept all through the night and most of the day.”
Jax tilted his head at the chair next to him. “Rayne slept in that chair all night, like he couldn’t stand the thought of leaving your side. He’s been checking your pulse and your Watermark constantly to make sure you’re still okay.” Jax scooted forward in his seat. “He’s going to be bummed he wasn’t here to finally see you wake up. I picked up lunch earlier and told him I had no problem going out again, but you know Rayne, he insisted on taking his turn to go get dinner.”
My lips lifted at the corners, picturing Rayne sitting with me devotedly all night long.
“Rayne should be back any minute,” Jax added, “but can I get you a drink or something in the meantime?”
I nodded. “Some water would be great.”
“No problem,” Jax said, popping up from his chair. “Coming right up.”
Jax returned a minute later and handed me a cold bottle of water. Then he stood there, watching me, as if looking for his next words.
“Can I get you anything else?” he finally asked.
“No this is fine,” I answered.
Jax nodded, staring down at his hands, tapping his thumbs together awkwardly.
My brow pinched. “Is everything okay?”
Jax’s mouth twisted a little. “Actually, no,” he said. He sat down purposefully in the chair closest to me. “Do you think we could talk for a minute?” he said. “I think there’s something I need to explain.”
I took a sip of water and swallowed it down nervously, worried at what might be coming. Things had been so strange between us lately.
“I think I owe you an apology,” Jax began. “I’ve been sending you some pretty mixed signals the last few days. I was pretty confused about some things I was feeling when I was around you. The truth is... I’ve been fighting off these feelings ever since you started coming to my house for training.”
I stared back at him with big, concerned eyes, realizing all the things I was questioning about him were true. All those little moments when I thought I was feeling something more from his essence, it turned out he was feeling them too.
“I want you to know that I’ve talked to Rayne about this,” Jax went on. “Actually, he was the one who first brought it up, but I’m glad he did. I respect him deeply and it felt good to be straight with him.”
I swallowed again. “What did you two talk about?”
Suddenly, Jax gripped my hand. “I can’t tell you what a relief this is. I struggled with this for so long, but I’m not confused anymore.”
My pulse quickened. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what he had to say. I kept trying to convince myself that Jax was nothing more than a special friend, but I knew there were those moments... those little moments that made me wonder if there was something more.
But then, I looked down at his hand clutching mine—Jax’s hand—and all I wanted to do was pull it away. Not because I didn’t care for him, but because it wasn’t Rayne’s. Jax was wonderful, and I knew I cared for him deeply, I even loved him in some way, but his hand wasn’t the one I wanted. All I ever wanted was Rayne.
I shook my head. “Jax, what are you trying to say?”
Jax’s eyes seemed hopeful and optimistic. “I’m saying... I felt something amazing when you healed me out there last night. I felt warmth, and love, and acceptance. I felt a bond with you that will never fade away.”
I continued to gaze back at him, unable to respond.
“But it was different than I expected,” Jax continued. “I know now that I love you; I know that I do.”
My eyes went wide.
Jax squeezed my hand. “But I also know that Rayne is the right man for you. I think I could feel it when your healing energy was inside me. I could feel the amazing love the two of you share. It was something powerful and special, something that couldn’t be denied.”
Jax leaned across the edge of the bed toward me. “I love you... but not like that, not like Rayne. You two have a bond stronger than I could ever imagine. And I don’t have any desire to get in the way of that. I don’t think I could, even if I tried.” Jax smiled sadly. “If anything, I’m jealous. I can only wish that one day I find someone who loves me the way the both of you love each other.”
For a moment I was speechless. A huge grin beamed across my face. It felt right. Everything Jax said made perfect sense to me. The last thing I wanted was to hurt Jax. It felt like such a relief that he was okay with the way things had to be.
I lifted myself onto my knees at the side of the bed and reached out my arms. Jax smiled and accepted my embrace, wrapping his arms around me.
We hugged for a long moment. When we finally let go, I glanced over to see Rayne standing at the mouth of the hallway, watching intently.
He held up a brown paper bag. “Um... I brought take-out,” Rayne said hesitantly.
I dropped my arms from Jax immediately. The last thing I wanted was for Rayne to think he was seeing something more than an innocent hug between friends.
“Do you mind giving us a few minutes to talk?” I said to Jax.
Jax nodded with a knowing smile. “Of course,” he replied, and then he left the room.
I stepped toward Rayne. “I think we need to talk.”
He nodded. “I know. I was thinking the same thing.” Rayne motioned toward the two chairs next to the bed. “We should probably sit,” he said. “You must be pretty tired.”
For a moment, I almost felt angry at his words. I knew he was just trying to take care of me, but why couldn’t he just let me take care of myself once in a while. I shook my head and went to sit down. I was reading way too much into things.
Rayne sat down quietly in the chair next to me. “So, did you and Jax talk?”
I focused on Rayne’s essence. It felt like he was scared to hear my answer, like somehow Jax and I had decided on something Rayne didn’t want to hear.
“Yeah, we talked,” I said. I looked at Rayne carefully. “I want you to know that I had no idea Jax’s feelings were so strong. I mean, he was sending me some confusing signals for a while there, but I had no idea what was really going on in his head. I would never purposely do anything to jeopardize what we have. You know that, right?”
Rayne took in a slow breath. “Most of the time I think I know that,” he said, “but, sometimes I still don’t feel sure.” He paused and looked away. “I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. I mean, I had to find out from Jax that a guy died at one of your sessions, and you thought it was your fault?” Rayne stared at me intently. “Sadie, that’s a huge deal. I know you, that had to be eating you up inside. And yet, you told Jax and not me. Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”
My eyes squeezed closed. “I don’t know, okay? I mean, I just didn’t want to talk about it.”
“So you ran off and told Jax instead?” Rayne accused. “Don’t get me wrong, Jax is a great guy, but I’m... I’m...” He trailed off as if he wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence anymore.
My eyes softened and I took Rayne’s hand, compelling him to look at me. “You, Rayne Stevens, are the most important person in my universe. Don’t ever forget that.”
Rayne gazed back at me, as if trying to decide if he believed me. “If that’s true, then why don’t you feel like you can talk to me? Shouldn’t I be the first person you tell these kinds of things to? I don’t think you understand how much it hurt me that you confided in Jax instead of me.”
My eyes fell. “I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t realize.” Then, I glanced back up. “But just so you know... I wasn’t planning on telling anyone at all. Jax pretty much forced the information out of me until I was balling my eyes out. It wasn’t exactly pleasant.”
“I guess that’s understandable, but it’s more than that. It just seems like,” Rayne paused and looked away, “like you’ve been a little distant lately. I want you to feel like you can talk to me.”
“I do feel like I can talk to you,” I insisted. “It’s just... I guess I knew you would worry too much if I told you what really happened.”
Rayne’s jaw clenched. “Of course I would worry, Sadie. I have a right to worry. I’m your boyfriend.”
I growled quietly under my breath. “But I don’t want you to worry. Not about me, not about anything. It feels like all you ever do is worry.”
Rayne threw up one hand. “How could I not worry when you’re passing out ten times a day? Even in Banya you don’t heal like everyone else. Sometimes it takes you hours to wake back up again. Like last night with Voss... that was just... did you know you slept for over sixteen hours after that? That felt like an eternity to me.”
My lip started to shake. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I make you worry all the time. But that doesn’t mean you have to coddle me twenty-four-seven, day in and day out. You baby me so much that it feels like you don’t think I can handle anything on my own. It doesn’t even feel like you believe I can become an agent.”
Rayne squinted and shook his head. “What? Why would you think that?”
“I’ve seen the kids at the Academy. They’re a hundred times more prepared to become an agent than I am. I want more than anything to become a Keeper, where I can use my abilities to help people all the time, but I’m seriously scared I’m going to fail. What if I can’t handle the stress of the Academy, or of being an agent at all? And you’re so overprotective of me. It seriously makes me think that you don’t believe I can do it either.”
Rayne shifted toward me in his seat. “Of course I believe you can do it. I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you think you weren’t good enough for the Academy. I think you’re going to be a great agent.”
I pursed my lips. “You thought my idea to go visit Heather was a huge mistake. You wouldn’t even let me leave the house by myself.”
Rayne closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. “Well... it just didn’t seem like a well-thought-out plan, but that doesn’t mean I think you’re completely incapable of succeeding in the future. You have to understand, I’ve been an agent for years. I’ve already finished my training. You can’t expect to know everything before you’ve even started classes. Why is it so hard for you to let me help you?”
I leaned my forehead in my hand. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because, lately, it feels like your entire life revolves around me. I mean, what about all the goals you talked about before we came to Banya, all the plans you had to be an agent again, like you were always meant to be, but you’re not doing any of that. I mean, are you ever planning to go back to work as a Keeper?”
“Of course I am,” he said. “Right now the timing just isn’t right. If I go back to being a Keeper I’ll hardly ever see you. And you’ve been going through so much lately, I just want to be here for you. Is that such a bad thing?”
I smiled at him sadly. “I love that you want to be here for me, I really do. But, the last thing I want is to be the reason why you don’t follow after your own dreams.”
Rayne’s mouth curved upward. “There’s going to be plenty of time for me to get out there again. And when I do, I’m hoping you’ll want to be right there beside me.”
I paused. “I do... it’s just... I think I’ll always be wondering if you want to go on missions with me because you love to be with me, or because you’re worried I’ll mess up or get hurt or something.”
Rayne threw up his hands in frustration. “Sadie, when are you going to realize that letting people love and support you is not a sign of weakness? The last thing I want to do is push you away, but you have to understand that if we’re going to be together, then I’m always going to want to protect you. That’s just who I am. You have to accept it. If you can’t handle that, then maybe we aren’t meant to be together at all.”
His words stung through me. Rayne’s essence was hot with frustration. I could sense every limb in his body go tense.
Tears welled in my eyes. “Don’t say that,” I cried. “That’s not what I meant.”
He shook his head. “I just don’t know what to do to make you happy. Do you want me to leave? Will that make you happy?”
My entire body started to shake. “No,” I cried again.
“Then, talk to me,” Rayne pressed. “Stop pushing me away.”
The tears flooded down from my eyes. “I can’t,” I sobbed. “It hurts too much. I can feel it. I don’t want to hurt you.” I stared at him deeply, my lips continuing to shake. “That’s why I can’t tell you things; that’s why I can’t confide in you. All the stress and worry... I can feel it hurting you.”
Rayne jerked off the chair to face me on the edge of the bed. His hands gripped my arms. “Sadie, I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?”
I let out another sob. “I just can’t take it,” I went on. “I can feel your pain. I can feel your heartache. And it’s my fault. I can’t live with myself, knowing I’m causing you pain. Ever since we moved to Ambrosia, ever since I started developing these powers inside me, my bond to you has grown so strong that I can literally feel what you’re feeling. Can’t you see? All of your stress and worry comes from me.”
Rayne shook his head frantically, his eyes filled with pain. “Don’t cry,” he urged.
He pulled on my arms, willing me toward him. “Come here,” he said. He took me in his arms and ran one hand down my hair. “I’m so sorry, Sunshine. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”
He held me for a long moment, hushing my fears.
“It’s not your fault,” he whispered in my ear. None of this is your fault.”
I pulled back and stared into his eyes. “I just don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
Rayne’s hands caressed the sides of my face. “You are not hurting me, do you understand? The stress and worry I feel is caused by everything else around us, but not by you. You are what gives me the strength to keep going, to keep moving forward.”
The tears slowed, but my voice was still weak. “I just can’t stop thinking that if you just went back to being a keeper and spending more time with your family that you wouldn’t have to worry so much about me. I want you to be happy, and I feel I’m always keeping you from the things you love the most.”
Rayne gazed at me intently. “But you are the thing that I love most, Sadie. And if you can feel all my stresses and pains, then you must be able to feel my love too. I love you more than anyone or anything I have ever loved before. That far outweighs any frustration or heartache that comes along with it.”
“But it hurts you so much,” I pled.
“Listen to me,” he insisted. “You have to let me feel the hurt and the pain, okay? I want to feel it. I know that’s hard for you to take, and honestly, that only makes me want to feel it more. Sadie, that’s what people do for the ones they love. We share each other’s struggles and heartache. We help carry each other’s burdens.”
I couldn’t help but whimper as I shook my head. “But I feel like I’m the one always giving the pain, and you’re always the one having to carry it.”
Rayne took my hand and held it tightly. “I know,” he said soothingly. “I know. But you have to know it’s not your fault. I have no idea why the universe has chosen you to take on all these overwhelming, magnificent things. All I know is that it’s my purpose to be there for you through every minute of it. My purpose is to shoulder your pains, to carry your burdens. You have to let me fulfill that purpose. I need you to let me do that for you.”
“But, I want a chance to carry your burdens too,” I protested.
“Don’t you see it?” he said. “You already do. Every time I see your face, every time you hold my hand... you are lifting my burdens.”
I smiled back at him appreciatively. His words were like a blanket of warmth around my heart.
“And it’s not just me,” Rayne continued. “It’s pretty much everyone you ever come in contact with.”
I sat back, confused. “What do you mean?”
Rayne squeezed my hand. “Other people can feel your light too.”
“My light?” I questioned.
“Sadie, it radiates from you. You have... this glow. This power... like brightness from your soul. It’s hard to describe, but there’s no denying it.” Rayne leaned toward me. “I don’t want to put any extra pressure on you,” he said, “I just think you need to realize that you’re special, Sadie. I feel like my most important purpose is to help you figure out and accomplish whatever it is that you’re meant to do with these abilities that have been given to you. I do believe in you, Sadie. I believe in you more than you could ever know.”
I gazed back at him in awe. I could feel the truth of his words deep within my soul.
“The truth is,” Rayne went on, “this whole time that we’ve been out here on this mission, I wanted to believe that I was protecting you, but in reality, I think you were the one protecting all of us.”