Chapter 33

Over the next month, Sarah fell into a routine of playing wife to Eduardo and mother to Lucia. She orchestrated evening board games, styled pigtails, and packed lunches. She fluffed pillows, organized weekend visits to museums, and reveled in Eduardo’s lovemaking. Her relationship with him truly matured.

Her interactions with Anna matured, as well. Where their conversations used to be about romps in foreign beds, they now had serious talks about the upcoming visit to Oxford. If Anna accepted, when should she tell Sister Maria? Was grad school the best place?

And what of Sarah’s mother? She was unusually subdued during their weekend chats. Instead of probing and pressing for Sarah’s future plans, she merely asked after Eduardo and Lucia or shared information about Steven and Amber.

All these changes were for the better. Things were going so well, in fact, that she almost brushed off thoughts of telling Eduardo her secret—but just almost.

One Thursday morning, her body heavy from sleep, Sarah slogged through her usual morning routine. She washed her face in what was her side of the sink and applied her moisturizing cream.

Beside her, Eduardo showered in steam-choked glass. “Cigna,” he called out.

Eduardo’s chipper, early-morning-person tone brought a smile to Sarah’s face. “Yes?”

“Have you ever wondered what our kids would be like?”

The question shocked her more than the cold water she’d splashed on her face. Her empty stomach lurched.

“I mean, do you think they’d be fair or dark? Or maybe a mix of both?”

Sarah couldn’t respond. All her words were lost in the steam-clogged trenches of her mind. She stared at her pale reflection.

“Cigna?” He poked out his head. “Are you all right?”

“Huh?”

He stepped out of the shower and pulled a towel around his waist. “You do want children, right?”

Sarah hesitated. “Yes, of course.”

Eduardo grinned. “I figured.” He ruffled his wet hair with a hand towel. “That look you just gave me made me second-guess myself.”

Sarah forced a smile and picked up her hairbrush. Fumbling it, she dropped the brush to the floor. Heat rushed her chest. “S-s-orry. I’m not awake.”

He stepped behind her, retrieved the brush, and set it on the ledge. “I know we haven’t talked about it in a while, but my offer to move in together is still on the table.” He kissed her cheek then held his mouth next to her ear. “Maybe we could get a head start on that baby-making.”

As her stomach performed cartwheels, Sarah froze.

“I’ll make you some tea.” He gave her a playful pat on her butt. “Because you’re definitely not awake.”

Sarah stared into the mirror. He wasn’t serious…was he?

****

“Baby-making?”

Meredith’s voice was so loud Sarah practically dropped the phone. “That’s what he said.” One of the coils on her dorm-room bed jabbed Sarah in the back. Her stomach was still unsettled, despite barely eating anything all day.

Sarah usually loathed these dorm-duty nights that took her from Eduardo’s plush, pillow-top mattress, but not tonight. Tonight, she needed the privacy of her own room to discuss this recent dilemma.

“Well, that’s great, right?” Meredith said. “Isn’t this what you want? A relationship? A family?”

Sarah bit her lower lip. Ouch. Was that blood? She ran her tongue over her lip. Had she chewed on it that much over the last day?

“Sarah? Are you there?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“You don’t want to start fertility treatments again?” Meredith asked.

Why hadn’t she told him? How had she put off telling him for so long?

Meredith gave an exaggerated sigh. “You haven’t told him, have you?”

“No.” Sarah rolled onto her side.

“Sarah, I thought you’d told him ages ago!”

“I know, I know. I’ve been meaning to. I just got… I’m scared.”

“This has gone on too long, Sarah. You need to tell him.”

Meredith’s tone was the same one she used when scolding Amber or Steven. “I will. I promise.” Sarah’s call waiting buzzed. “Meredith, I gotta go. That’s probably him calling.”

“Sarah, stop avoiding this.”

“I will. Call you soon.” She clicked over to the other line. “Eduardo?”

“Miss Miller?”

“Yes?” She pulled the phone from her ear and checked the unfamiliar number. “This is she. May I ask who’s calling?”

“This is Rita, from Hyattsville Elementary.”

“Oh, hi.” Isn’t that where Amber goes to school?

“We received your application.”

Application? What application? Sarah bolted upright. That application—the one for the first-grade teaching position.

“We wanted to know if you could do an interview.”

“Interview?”

“We know you’re overseas but thought we could do the interview virtually.”

“Virtually…right.” Sarah chewed her lip. What did she have to lose? The interview required no obligation. Maybe she had something to gain—a fallback plan. Another job was exactly the security blanket she needed.

“Miss Miller?”

“I’m here. What day did you have in mind?” Sarah bit her lip and sent a sting of pain through her face. Should she really be doing this?

****

The timing was perfect. Lucia was with Roberta, and Eduardo would work until four. Hell, even Anna was preoccupied with packing for her trip to Oxford.

Instead of spending her Thursday afternoon developing lesson plans, Sarah positioned her webcam. When was the last time she’d interviewed for a job? The brief meeting at the placement agency in D.C. certainly didn’t count. And the one with Mr. Rosen? Ugh—what an interview that was. The coffee-making question should have been a red flag. So much for cubicle work—she would never go back to that.

She scanned her classroom: the empty desks, the newly decorated bulletin boards, and the Italian flag. Hopefully, she wouldn’t need this fallback plan. That was, of course, if Eduardo took her news of her infertility as she hoped. The uneasiness in her stomach, which grew ever since Eduardo’s baby-making comment, intensified.

But just in case he didn’t take the news well…

The laptop speaker dinged, and she clicked onto the call.

The school’s principal and vice principal both launched into the interview. They asked her questions about pedagogy and curricular objectives. They probed her on her classroom management and engagement techniques.

Throughout, not once did Sarah knock her knees on the desk. Not once did her voice quaver. Aside from the constant queasiness, she was as calm as her mother on muscle relaxers and as at ease as Anna in a room full of coeds.

The principal smiled. “I expect you’ll be hearing from us very soon.”

“I look forward to it.” She ended the conference call, snapped shut the laptop, and sank back in her seat, closing her eyes.

Please let the conversation with Eduardo go as smoothly.

She opened her eyes—and nearly fell off her chair. In the doorway stood Eduardo and Sister Maria.

“When did you plan to tell me?” Eduardo’s bass timbre was nearly a growl.

Sister Maria gave a curt bow and backed out of the room.

“Eduardo…” Sarah rose to her feet in a daze. How long had he stood there? The sharp line of his clenched jaw told her he’d heard enough. She took a step toward him, her knees threatening to give way. “I can explain—”

“Explain?” He cut her off in a voice close to a shout. “Is this why you keep putting off talking about moving in?” He gestured wildly with his hands. “Because you have no intention of staying at all?”

Sarah flinched. “No, I…” Her shaky voice broke. Her whole body quivered—her hands, her legs, her squeamish stomach. “I do want to be with you. Please let me explain.” She reached for him.

But he stepped back. He spun on his heel and strode out the door.

Sarah chased after him and down the hall. “Eduardo, wait!” She didn’t care that other teachers poked their heads out of their classrooms to witness the scene. She followed him all the way to the school entrance.

Without turning back, he pushed open the door and rushed outside.

Panic driving her forward, Sarah was ready to follow.

“Let him go.” Sister Maria’s voice echoed in the hallway.

A lump forming in her throat, Sarah eased her pace. He didn’t stop. He didn’t want to talk to her now.

Maintaining his stride, Eduardo stumbled down the stairs.

“He needs time to cool off,” Sister Maria said. “Wait before you talk to him.”

All hope of fixing this situation now ceased. Her eyes burning with tears, Sarah stopped short of the door.

Eduardo turned right at the fountain and headed toward the street.

Sarah watched him until the door slammed shut, a gust of chilly air whipping her face. As sobs overtook her, Sarah buckled, dropping to her knees.

Sister Maria took her elbow and guided her away.

Inside Sister Maria’s office, Sarah sat in her usual seat. Tears burned her eyes, and hysteria shook her body.

As Sister Maria paced around the room, her robes swooshed with each stride.

The only stillness lay outside, where the branches of a fig tree peered through the window, stark in their winter slumber. Sarah focused on the tree; she imagined snow falling on her face, numbing her lips and cheeks. The tension in her chest subsided a bit, and her shuddering reduced to mild trembling, but her stomach was so turned, she thought she might hurl.

Sister Maria stopped in front of Sarah. “He’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I couldn’t talk to him when he was upset.” She offered Sarah a tissue.

Sarah blew her nose and nodded.

Sister Maria glided behind her desk and sat, waiting. Sister Maria’s gaze, with its cloudy gray eyes—so gentle, so kind—asked the question. The woman behind the eyes would listen, and she wouldn’t judge. Sarah gripped the tissue in her hand and let the words pour out: her infertility, her secrecy from Eduardo, and her selfish reasons for doing the interview. Once and for all, she laid out for Sister Maria her fears and insecurities. “I have to tell Eduardo. I have to tell him everything I’ve just told you.” Sarah dabbed at her cheeks with the near-shredded tissue.

At first, Sister Maria remained silent, as she had during the whole of Sarah’s confession. A tear trickled down her wrinkled cheek, following a crease before disappearing into the ridges of her aged skin. She made no attempt to wipe it away. “I never told you why I joined the convent.”

Her voice sounded as old as the woman behind it.

She stood and walked over to the window, her back to Sarah. “I had a child once—a beautiful little girl.”

The words child and had pierced Sarah’s soul like daggers. Pain, she was sure, was only that much more visceral for Sister Maria. To stop the half-sob, half-gasp from escaping, Sarah clapped a hand over her mouth. She suddenly understood the unspoken bond between them.

Sister Maria turned and gazed at Sarah through foggy eyes. “I was but a child myself. Not yet seventeen. My parents forced me to give her up. Then they sent me away to think about my sins.”

Sarah rose, crossed to Sister Maria, and hugged her. How could this woman’s frail body carry the pain of losing a child? The silent anguish of Mary rushed to Sarah’s mind—the stoic face and the hand lifted in prayer. She shuddered and clutched Sister Maria tighter.

“The only thing that kept me going was knowing that my child, my flesh and blood, was with parents who loved her.” Sister Maria pulled back from Sarah’s grasp, her tired gaze locking on Sarah’s. “A couple who couldn’t have children themselves.”

Sarah staggered back to her chair and lowered herself. “Thank you for telling me, Sister Maria. You are a strong woman”—so much stronger than me—“but…” She rubbed her hands down her thighs in a soothing movement. “Why are you telling me this now?”

“I’ve known Eduardo nearly as long as I’ve kept my secret. Of all the children who have passed through these doors, he’s the one who felt most like my own.” A smile crept over Sister Maria’s hollowed cheeks. “I know he’ll understand.”

Sarah released a heavy breath. Please, God, let her be right.

Sister Maria approached and took hold of Sarah’s shoulders. “He will understand, Sarah. Now,”—she squeezed Sarah’s arms and raised her to her feet—“I expect he’s had enough time to cool off.”

Sarah stared back at Sister Maria—so strong and so calm. She imagined—hoped, wished—some of that energy transferred through Sister Maria’s touch. Nodding, she turned then stopped. She rushed back to Sister Maria and embraced her again. “Thank you, Sister.” She kissed her wrinkled cheeks. “Thank you for everything.” Releasing her embrace, Sarah hurried to the door. As she passed through, a shiver rushed her spine. What if she couldn’t be strong? What if Sister Maria wasn’t right about Eduardo understanding?

****

“Eduardo?” Sarah opened the door to his flat. The room was dark—so dim she could barely make out the outline of his body on the couch.

He sat hunched over his knees, his hands clenching his hair.

“Eduardo,” she said in an exasperated tone. She rushed to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. The light from the kitchen illuminated his tear-stained face.

He pulled back. “Leave me alone!”

The harshness of his tone forced away the words she hastily prepared in the cab ride over. She hesitated then took a seat next to him. “I don’t want to take the job, Eduardo. I want to stay with you.”

He flinched then gazed at her as he stood. “None of this makes any sense. I don’t understand.”

His eyes looked wounded; his tone sounded panicked. Sarah jumped to her feet. “The interview was a mistake.” She positioned herself in front of him. “I was scared, and I…I panicked.”

His expression softened. He let out a sigh as he placed a hand on her cheek. “I know you’re hesitant to make a commitment.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s—” As she wrung her hands, a twitch unsettled her cheek. “—it’s…something else.”

“What?” He dropped his hand and lowered his gaze. “What else are you keeping from me?”

Her heart pounded, and she struggled to steady her voice. “I—I…” She closed her eyes, and somewhere in her mind, she heard Tosca’s aria, Vissi d’arte, vissi d’amor. Clinging to the second line, she let the aria sing through her. “I love you, Eduardo, and I hope you’ll still love me after I tell—”

“Sarah,” he interrupted. “I’ll always love you.” He reached for her.

No. She needed to tell him—now. No more delaying. Pressing a hand to his chest, Sarah held him back. She let the pounding of his heart beneath her fingers calm her. “I have a medical condition, Eduardo.”

He furrowed his brows.

“Nothing life-threatening. It prevents me from…makes it difficult for me to…”

His gaze searched her.

She shifted her attention to the floor. “To conceive.”

The muted hum of forced heat deafened Sarah’s ears. Eduardo’s chest tightened under her hand. The thumping of his heart marked the passing of each dreadful second. One beat, two beats…six beats.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

She nodded.

His face twisted, and he stepped back. “So, you’re saying you can’t have children?”

Sarah wrapped her arms around her stomach. “Not without assistance. Even then, I’m not sure.”

His gaze flicked from her to the floor. He walked to the dining room table and sat facing her.

Sarah searched his face for a sign of the empathy Sister Maria promised but found none. Her legs wobbled, and she propped her knee on the couch for support. “Please,” she pleaded. “Please say something. Anything.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” He stared at the table.

His tone was a mixture of condemnation and disappointment. Sarah struggled to stay upright. Would he ever forgive her?