“I’m home,” Laura called lightly as she pushed open the door to Brady’s den late Friday night, hoping to glimpse some sign in his eyes that he was glad to see her.
She’d expected to find him at his computer when she walked in. Instead he was on the other side of the room, sitting at his drafting table, blueprints curling at the edges unfolded on its surface. She knew he was itching to get back to a regular routine and shove off his invalid status.
Then they could have sex again. Then maybe she’d feel close to him again. This afternoon in the van, he’d seemed so far away.
He was wearing a T-shirt and jeans and looked lean and fit. Although lines cut deeper around his eyes and mouth now, he was handsome…and virile. She felt old desire stir with new as she approached him.
He glanced up, but she could tell he was distracted. “Busy night?” He checked his watch.
“We’re always busy this time of year.” Did he even remember Mother’s Day was on Sunday? She’d hired extra staff who were reliable and creative so she didn’t have to be tied to the shop, though she loved Blossoms. It had been Anna Malone’s legacy to her.
“Are you working tomorrow?” he asked.
“In the morning. I have errands to run in the afternoon—pick up dry cleaning, get my hair trimmed, stop at the pharmacy. Sean’s baseball game is at six.”
Nonchalantly he pushed aside the schematics and stood. “I thought I’d go along.”
“Really?”
“I have nothing but time on my hands. Jack seems to think I’m ashamed to show my face since the article appeared. I have to prove him wrong.”
“You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, least of all Jack.”
“Maybe I have to prove something to myself. When I go back to work, I’ll have to deal with stares and comments.”
“And maybe questions.”
“I don’t intend to answer any questions.” He focused on the drafting table and she followed his gaze.
“What are those?”
“Ideas that never materialized.” He picked up the sheaf of papers, rolled them and inserted them into a protective tube. “I’ve had an offer from a Maryland firm wanting to buy the business. We wouldn’t have to worry about our retirement.”
“We don’t have to worry about it now.” She yearned to go to Brady, wrap her arms around him and lay her head against his chest. But he was still healing and he’d given her no indication that he wanted any kind of intimacy.
A doctor actually had to clear him to have intercourse. She remembered the nurse saying one way for Brady to test himself and see if he was ready for sex was to climb two flights of stairs. If he didn’t become short of breath or overly tired, then he could probably resume intimate relations.
For the past few weeks, she’d wanted to be intimate without having sex. She’d just needed Brady to hold her. She’d just wanted to hold him. But every night they lay on separate sides of their king-size bed, waiting for the next nightmare. It was as if he was afraid to get close. Maybe it was simply male ego. If he couldn’t perform, he didn’t even want to get started. She’d always loved touching Brady and kissing him. She missed both.
Corralling her thoughts and returning to their conversation, she asked, “What would you do if you sold your company?”
He arched a brow and smiled. “Spend all my time at the gym.”
“You’d get bored with bodybuilding in about three days.”
“I’m going to have to exercise for the rest of my life…and eat vegetarian burgers, too.” He grimaced.
“I bought a few new cookbooks for nonfat casseroles and entrées.”
“I can’t wait,” he said wryly. After a long pause, he suggested, “You could sell Blossoms, too. We could travel.”
Over the years, Brady had never taken enough time off for them to travel. “I’ve always wanted to visit Florence.”
She walked up to him then and stood toe to toe. Was that the old hunger in his eyes? She couldn’t be sure. “Do you know what I’d really like?”
“What?” His voice was gruff.
“I’d like us to go on a second honeymoon.”
“That’s different from traveling?” He sounded amused.
“I think so.” After a few heartbeats, she had to say more. “I miss you. I miss you holding me and making love to me.”
“You know I can’t—” His cheeks flushed.
“We can’t have intercourse yet. I know you’re worried about what will happen when we do. But that doesn’t mean we can’t hold each other and kiss.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why?”
He kept silent.
“We’re slipping further away from each other,” she murmured.
Stepping away from her, he shook his head. “I don’t feel like a man right now. Don’t you get that? The one thing we’ve always had going for us, no matter what was happening, was great sex. Since we can’t—”
“The one thing we always had going for us was a connection,” she cut in, realizing not having intercourse was only one aspect of what was and wasn’t happening between them.
“The connection was based on chemistry,” he insisted.
“No. It was based on feelings we had from that moment on the courthouse steps. We couldn’t have stayed together this long if all we had was chemistry. Your caring and your compassion and your support kept me whole through my miscarriages. After Jason died, you were my lifeline. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t been there.”
“You’re a strong woman, Laura. You would have survived.”
She felt he was purposely driving a wedge between them. “Don’t downplay your commitment and love.”
“Then don’t give me more credit than I deserve.”
The silence in the den was stifling and she brought up a subject that had drifted under the radar with everything else that had happened. “You deserve the Man of the Year Award.”
Brady’s back grew stiff. “The executive board of the Millennium Club didn’t think so.”
“You didn’t return their calls.”
“I had nothing to say to them.”
Biting her lip, she murmured, “Sometimes you’re so stubborn.”
He picked up the tube of blueprints and carried it to the closet. “And sometimes you can’t see the obvious.”
“Exactly what’s so obvious?” She didn’t want to rile him or entangle them in an argument. But she was tired of trying not to do or say something that would upset him. She was tired of not being honest. She wanted to know his real feelings and she wanted to know them now.
He finally let them free. After only a moment’s hesitation, words burst from him. “Years ago, you forgave me for something that shouldn’t have been forgiven, no matter what rules of engagement allowed for. I thought you were giving me a miraculous gift at the time, but your forgiveness has been a weight I can’t escape. I can never do enough, say enough or be enough for you.”
She was absolutely stunned by his words. As Brady stood there, holding drawings he’d made years ago, she felt as if he’d slapped her. All she’d ever done was give him her love. From the sound of it, he hadn’t wanted it. In fact, he’d resented it in some way.
Although inside she was trembling, she forced out, “What should I have done that day in John Markowitz’s office? Condemned you?”
“Morally I deserved to be condemned.” His voice was so flat and stoic it scared her.
“You defended yourself…and Carl.”
“I killed women and children.” The truth was stark and he said it without emotion.
“Who were trying to kill you.”
He kept silent.
Your forgiveness has been a weight. Had her love been a weight, too? What had happened to the strong bonds they’d felt from the beginning? Apparently they’d been a casualty of war, also. “You never should have gone to Vietnam. You should have burned your draft card and left for Canada.”
She didn’t even realize she’d spoken until he swore. “You make it sound so simple. I wanted you and my family to be proud of me. I wanted to do my duty. I wanted to stop Communism. I didn’t want to take what most people thought was the coward’s way out.”
“I never would have thought that.”
“We’d known each other for three months! What we felt hadn’t been tested.”
When she considered all they’d been through, she blurted out, “It’s certainly been tested since then. Are you saying you stayed in this marriage all these years because you felt indebted to me? You owed me for forgiving you?”
When he was silent, when no words of protest came to his lips, she felt sick. So she struck out at him the way he’d struck out at her. “If you want to sell your company and travel, that’s fine. But maybe you should travel alone.” As she rushed out of the den, she choked back a sob.
Halfway down the hall, she heard him call her name. But her ears were ringing, her pulse was racing and she didn’t want to face what else he might have to say. Was he intentionally sabotaging their marriage? Or had his heart attack finally brought truth into the light?
“Mom! Mom! Are you home?” Kat called from upstairs.
Taking in a gulp of air, steadying the beat of her heart, Laura stopped to compose herself. She felt as if her world was falling apart…as if everything she’d created with Brady was a sham. If he’d resented her all these years, where could they go from here?
She didn’t have time to answer that question as she managed to call back to their daughter, “I’m home. I’ll be up in a minute.”
But Kat didn’t give her even the minute. She galloped down the stairs. “Suz Cochrane is having a party tomorrow night. Can I go?”
When faced with granting permission, Laura always considered if there was a good reason she should say no. If there wasn’t, she said yes.
Focusing on Kat, she asked, “Will her parents be there?”
“Yep.”
Amanda Cochrane kept a tight rein on her daughter. She probably decided to have this party at their house so she knew exactly what was happening.
“All right, you can go. I was hoping you might want to catch Sean’s game with us. Dad’s going.”
Kat bit her lower lip. “Mrs. Cochrane is going to phone for pizza around six. I’ll skip Sean’s game this time. Can you drop me off on the way to the game and pick me up around ten?”
Laura could hardly keep her mind on their conversation. She was still back in that den, listening once more to Brady’s words.
“Mom?”
“What did you say, honey? I’m sorry.”
“Can you drop me off on the way to the game and pick me up later?”
“Sure.”
Feeling raw and vulnerable, Laura knew she had to pull herself together. As she mounted the steps toward Kat, she asked, “Is Sean in his room?”
“No. Didn’t Dad tell you? He’s over at Boyd’s house. Dad told him he could go as long as he was home by midnight. I can’t wait until I can drive and get my own car.”
Kat’s words didn’t sink in. Laura was thinking about what she should do. Had everything she’d ever done and felt in her marriage been a mistake? Had the commitment to Brady she’d never questioned been too intense, too naive, too…foolish?
She reminded herself again that Brady had been through a traumatic surgery. He was still recovering.
Climbing the stairs, she decided to get a shower and wait for him, hoping that somehow they could find their way back to each other…hoping Brady’s turmoil wasn’t a cancer that would eat away at their marriage until nothing was left.
Wincing, Sean tried to make sure the floorboards under the carpet didn’t creak as he unsteadily made his way to his room. The last thing he needed was for his dad to see him and ground him again. After the summer, he’d be away from here and could do whatever he wanted.
He’d almost maneuvered down the hall, when Kat’s door opened.
“I have to talk to you.”
“Can’t it wait?”
“Something’s wrong with Mom. She looked as though she was going to cry and Dad hasn’t come up to bed yet,” his sister whispered desperately.
Sean leaned against the wall for a moment.
“Are you drunk?” Kat’s eyes were wide and worried.
It was midnight. He’d just made his curfew, hoping no one would be up. He shouldn’t even have a curfew.
As he focused on what Kat had said, he realized his dad hadn’t slept downstairs since those first nights he’d been home from the hospital. Maybe his parents had argued again.
“Come on,” Sean finally commanded, silently opening the door to his room, crossing to his bed and collapsing onto it.
Obviously not chancing their voices carrying, Kat closed the door.
“So are you drunk?” Kat asked again.
“I only had a few beers. But I felt sick afterward. Boyd had to stop on the way so I could puke out the door.”
She knelt beside his bed. “Why do you do it? Why do you drink?”
He had cooled his drinking for a while. He’d had to. He wanted to get away from home even if it was to a school he hadn’t chosen. But he was going to work up the courage to change that. The thing was, lately, when he was out with Gary and Boyd, he did whatever they did. That usually meant drinking or smoking pot.
“Go to bed, Kat.” He wasn’t going to talk to his sister about it.
“Mom and Dad will find out.”
“Are you going to tell them?” he shot back.
She sighed. “No, I’m not. But if you keep this up, I won’t have to say anything. They’ll catch you again.”
Kat wouldn’t rat on him. They might fight, but they were brother and sister. He mumbled, “They won’t notice. Dad’s been too sick to care. Mom’s been too worried about him to think about much else.”
“Do you drink because Gary and Boyd do?”
A few long seconds later, he ran his hand over his face. “No. I drink because when I do, I’m numb. I float. Everything’s easy.”
“Until the next morning.”
He scowled.
“Something’s wrong with Mom,” she said again, returning to her reason for waiting up for him. “When I asked her if I could go to a party at Suz’s, she said all the right stuff, but it was like she wasn’t really there. Do you think she’s still afraid Dad could die?”
Sean used his elbows to hike himself up. “Maybe she is.”
“She left Dad’s den looking really weird. She pretended she was fine, but she wasn’t.”
“Did they fight?”
“I doubt it. She’s too afraid she’ll upset him to fight with him.”
“I’m staying out of his way so I don’t upset him.”
Considering the past few weeks, Sean came to a conclusion that made sense about their mom’s behavior. “Mom’s been taking care of Dad and working and chauffeuring you. She’s probably just tired.”
Kat wrinkled her nose, as if that couldn’t possibly be the answer. “Sunday is Mother’s Day. Did you get her anything?”
“Not yet. Did you?”
“No. You know what I was thinking?”
“It’s hard to tell.”
She swatted his arm. “Dad’s always been the one to get her charms for her bracelet. He hasn’t given her any for a while. What if we bought her a Mother’s Day charm?”
Sean lowered himself to his pillow again. “That bracelet means a lot to her. Yeah, maybe she would like that.” He cracked a grin. “You do think about more than makeup and boys.”
Standing, Kat planted her hands on her hips. “Just when I figure I might be able to put up with you, you say something stupid.” She went to the door. “If you get sick again, don’t call me.”
Turning onto his side, Sean asked, “When are we going to get the charm? We could go to the mall tomorrow.”
“Better make it in the afternoon, so you’re sober.”
“I never drive when I’ve been drinking.”
“A lot of good that does when you drive with someone who’s been drinking.”
“Boyd only had one beer. He was fine.”
“Mom said Dad’s going to your game tomorrow night.”
“He is? I guess I’d better hit a home run,” Sean murmured.
Kat frowned. “Dad just might want to see you play. He might not care if you get any hits.”
“Sure,” Sean grumped sarcastically. He did have an attitude where his dad was concerned. And that was why he often said and did the wrong thing…the thing that would get him into trouble.
Kat was about to leave, when she seemed to decide Sean was sober enough to discuss something else. “Did kids at school give you a hard time about that newspaper article?”
After a long silence, he finally answered. “Not a lot. I just told Gary and Boyd I didn’t want to talk about it and they were okay with that. One day when I was alone in the parking lot, Dave Valenti asked me how I liked having a dad who was a murderer. When I threatened to deck him, he backed down.”
“I just wish none of it had happened—the article…Dad’s heart attack,” Kat said. “I wish we could just go back to the way we were before.”
“You can never go back.”
After a long moment, Kat opened his door. “See you tomorrow.”
As Kat exited Sean’s room, he closed his eyes, trying to forget about anything that might keep him awake.
Laura ran into the bagel shop Saturday afternoon attempting not to think or feel. Brady hadn’t slept in their bed last night. When she’d checked the den this morning, it had been empty. A note on the refrigerator told her he’d gone for a walk. If she’d waited longer for him…
The truth was, she’d fallen deeper into hurt that had accumulated hour by hour as she’d waited for Brady to come to bed. This morning, tired and becoming angry as well as hurt, she’d left for Blossoms knowing he wouldn’t talk to her until he was ready.
Maybe she didn’t want to hear more of the resentment he’d kept inside. Maybe he was planning a divorce. Maybe loving him for all these years had been a mistake.
Was her life a mistake? Had she attempted to “fix” Brady when he’d returned from the army? Or had she mistakenly believed their love would be strong enough to cement them for life? She hadn’t thought about much else as she worked at Blossoms this morning, mixing up orders, finally retreating to the workroom to arrange flowers.
She heard his words again and each one stabbed her as it had last night: Your forgiveness has been a weight I can’t escape.
There were two lines in the bagel shop, five customers in each. Most of the tables were full. The Saturday lunch crowd streamed in. As she quickly determined which line to join, she took a good look at the customers in each and spotted Dr. Gregano. She almost hadn’t recognized him in the red polo shirt and navy slacks.
Should she say hello?
He probably didn’t want to be bothered during his free time by patients or their families.
He finished paying his bill and turned to head toward the only empty table, a bagel sandwich and cup in hand. When he spotted her, he instantly recognized her.
Smiling, he nodded. “Mrs. Malone! Are you getting lunch?”
“Just a bagel, and a dozen to take out.”
After a moment’s hesitation, he motioned to the table for two that had just been vacated. “If you need a seat, you’re welcome to join me.”
Her heart beat a little faster as she looked into his eyes. She remembered how kind he’d been the night of Brady’s surgery. She could use a little kindness right now. “Thanks. You’ll probably be finished before I get my order.”
“I drink at least two cups of coffee. This afternoon, I’m not rushing anywhere for a change unless I get beeped.”
The line moved fairly fast, and when she carried her cheese bagel, bag and bottle of water to Dr. Gregano’s table, he’d just finished his sandwich.
“That’s lunch?” His tone was teasing.
“I’m not really hungry, but I can’t go all day without eating.”
“I’ll say you can’t. In fact, you’ve lost some weight.”
Surprised he’d noticed, she said, “About five pounds. Life has been hectic.”
“And stressful?”
In his eyes, she found that kindness again as well as compassion. Her throat tightened and tears were much too close to the surface.
“Mrs. Malone…”
“It’s Laura,” she managed to say.
“Laura. You know, don’t you, that recovery from bypass surgery can be as stressful for the caretaker as for the patient?”
Breathing deeply, she admitted, “Especially if the patient doesn’t want to be taken care of.”
“You went to the cardiac workshop for family members and watched the video?”
She nodded.
“Then you heard how traumatic the experience is for the patient. The list of problems to deal with is long. The surgery was a shock to your husband’s body—a violation, if you will. And not only for his heart. Muscles were disturbed. His sternum was cracked.”
“When he first got home, he was rubbing his neck and shoulders a lot, but, Dr. Gregano—”
“It’s Dominic.”
She could almost settle into the comfort of his smile. He understood what both she and Brady were dealing with, and to her surprise, his first name came easily to her lips. “Dominic, the physical repercussions are just the tip of the iceberg. He seems to be reviewing his whole life.”
“That’s not unusual, either. Neither is depression. Remember, he faced death.”
“He’s done that before,” she confided softly.
“The service?” Dominic guessed.
“Yes.”
Dawning flared in the physician’s eyes. “He’s the Brady Malone in the newspaper article!” He gave a low whistle. “So that’s the family complication you mentioned.”
“Yes. Reporters were at our door, on the phone and even at the hospital.” She was admitting a confidence she should probably keep to herself, but she felt so raw today that his empathy was a balm.
“Sometimes my newspapers collect for a week and I don’t have a chance to read them until I have a day off.”
Not giving in to the inclination to confide more, she followed the change of subject. “Do you get many days off?”
“I’m on rotation with two other cardiologists. Once in a while I have a weekend to call my own. What about you? Do you work outside the home?”
She smiled at his politically correct phrasing. “I have a flower shop—Blossoms.”
“I’ve seen the ads.” He pointed to her untouched bagel. “I’ve asked you too many questions and you’re not eating. I’m going to get that second cup of coffee. You have your lunch—such as it is.”
“Yes, sir,” she replied jokingly as if there weren’t an age difference between them, as if they were two friends meeting for coffee, as if—
She observed Dominic Gregano as he went to the sidebar of coffee carafes and filled his cup. He was an attractive man. She hadn’t looked at a man—at least, not in a man-woman way—since she’d met Brady. No effort had been required to keep her heart and mind on her husband. No effort at all.
So why was it that today she was noticing the clean cut of the doctor’s hair, the straightness of his nose, the darker silver rim around his gray eyes? Because she was hurt? Because she felt alone? Because Brady was pulling away and she didn’t know what to do about it?
She finished half her bagel.
Dominic returned to their table and seated himself across from her again.
The noise in the shop was reaching a crescendo. Two teenagers shouted to a friend across the room and chatter rose a notch.
Dominic gestured outside. “If you’d like to talk more, why don’t we take a walk. We can’t hear ourselves think in here.”
Tempted. She was so tempted. But did she really need a shoulder to lean on? That was what she’d be doing. Did she need a distraction that could make her feel better for the moment but in the long run cause havoc?
Maybe she was crazy. That wasn’t interest in her that she saw in Dominic Gregano’s eyes, was it?
“It’s only a walk, Laura. I enjoy your company and you deserve a break from caretaking.”
If she deserved a break, she’d better take it with her kids or Pat or Jack’s wife, Angie. It would be dangerous to take it with this man. Every moral fiber in her body told her that.
“Thanks, but I really can’t. My son has a baseball game. I have errands to run first and I don’t want to be late. I appreciate you…talking to me.”
“Anytime,” Dominic said as if he meant it.
With a smile, she picked up her bag of bagels, said goodbye to the doctor and left the shop without looking back. She could feel his gaze on her, but she realized she had no response to it. He was a nice, kind, attractive man. But her husband was waiting for her at home and he was the one she wanted to be with.
Even if he doesn’t want to be with you?
That was a question she had to find the answer to…because the answer could change her life.