Courage is a funny thing. It took a lot of courage for me to stand up to Grant. But I think bravery is really desperation, and when you choose the thing that may appear bold to other people, you know inside that there’s really more danger in the other choices. Even though I couldn’t have said it at the time, I had to escape Bonnie and Sterling because I couldn’t stand trading my honesty for comfort. I couldn’t face my life the way it was. I ended up in the same situation with Grant, like I was drawn there because it was familiar, and I knew how to act because I had been there before. It was easier to believe his talk and pretend it was true than to face the real truth. There were rewards for pretending. But when I let myself see him for what he is, I didn’t feel very good about myself.
I guess I learned I’m sick of pretending. I think it costs too much and I don’t want to do it any more. I got the truth from Grant. He’s a creep, and even though I’m trying to handle it like an adult, I’m really scared. If Grant doesn’t get me first, I have to go back. Both things scare me. The idea of going back feels right and it also terrifies me. But I know it’s the only way I can have the kind of life I want.
When I imagine it, dialing the phone or just showing up, my heart starts beating fast and I get just as scared as I do when I lie awake at night imagining Grant lurking outside my window. I play out the possibilities in my head: if it was just Bonnie, I could have done it already, easily. The scariest thing about Bonnie is that you can’t touch her. For me, the valve of her attention seems shut tight. But I also know there is a bond between us, even if I don’t understand completely how it got there.
Bonnie isn’t just Bonnie. I can’t remember when she was just Bonnie. She’s Bonnie and Sterling. She’s connected herself to him and she hides behind him. When I imagine returning to her, imagine the moment when the door opens for me at their house, it’s always Sterling who opens it, and it’s his anger I face while Bonnie remains in the shadows.
So I’ve been putting it off. With Grant, I know what I’m scared of, although it seemed to be changing. He hasn’t been to the restaurant for several days and I hadn’t seen his car, so I’d been hoping that he’d lost interest in me and I could take my time planning my return. Except for the business with Grant, I’ve liked Victoria, and it will be hard to leave.
At about four this afternoon, the restaurant was nearly empty, so I took advantage of the lull and rode home on the bike to get some different clothes. I planned to go straight from the restaurant to meet Ian and Char at a pub. I rounded the corner onto our street and there it was. That white SUV was parked directly across the street from the house.
I stopped the bike to see if Grant was in it, but I couldn’t tell. Other parked cars blocked my view. I waited, heart racing, wondering if he’d already seen me. Then I made up my mind. I assumed he was in the car and that he had seen me, so I decided I would ride past him and look him in the eye, but I wouldn’t stop. Maybe it was a crazy idea, but I had learned from cutting myself that what you imagine is sometimes worse than the actual experience, so I wanted to look in his eyes and get that sharp, clean rush of adrenaline that I get when the blade breaks the skin. Since his car was facing me, he couldn’t pull out and turn around before I got to the corner. If he got out and chased me on foot, I could outrun him on the bike.
The car was empty. I could see that before I got to it, so I looked for him in our yard. If he was snooping around, he was in the back or, worse, inside. There was no dust on the Escalade. He must take it through the car wash every day. As I rode past, I looked in and saw a pair of binoculars on the passenger seat, and wondered if they had night vision.
I rode as fast as I could back to the restaurant. Business was still slow and Leigh saw me come in. I was sweating and out of breath, so I went into the restroom to straighten up. When I came out, he was waiting.
“Are you all right?”
“I’m not sure,” I said. He took me back to his office, which was even more cluttered than it was when he interviewed me. I sat across from him in the same chair.
“Well?”
“I’m okay,” I said. “I just had a little scare.”
I was about to make up a lie about a near miss in traffic, but then I made the decision. I decided to disappear again. I didn’t tell him the whole truth, but I told him enough that he offered to go back to the house with me after work so I could get some things, and to let me sleep on his couch tonight. He wanted to confront Grant. He has some friends that he said would enjoy letting Grant know what it feels like to be stalked. I told him to wait a few days, and if Grant didn’t stay away, I would call the police.
It’s really late now but I can’t sleep, though I know I should. Leigh gave me a pillow and some blankets and his couch is comfortable and clean. My mind is swirling. I keep imagining being face to face with Sterling and Bonnie. I run through various plans in my head. There’s only one ferry to Anacortes each day and it leaves Sidney at 11:20 a.m. Going back the way I came would be the simplest thing to do. I’ve got a bus schedule and it would be easy to just get up in the morning and go to the bus stop. I’m supposed to start work at ten tomorrow morning, and since Leigh closed up last night, he’s going in late too, so that complicates that idea. I would have to do more explaining than I want to.
I plan to leave a note saying I went home, so Leigh, Trudy, Ian and Char don’t panic and think Grant got me. They all think my home is in Seattle. They’ve all been nice to me and I’ll miss them. I don’t want anyone to be able to trace me. Grant thinks my home is in California, which is good. After I’ve been home for a while, long enough for him to lose interest in me or find someone else to bother, I intend to write and tell the people who were good to me the truth. They deserve that much.
Leigh is being great. I think he’s asleep, but you never know. It’s quiet in there but I’m being quiet too and I’m wide awake, even with the glass of wine I drank earlier. I’m pretty sure he’s courting me too, but he hasn’t tried anything yet. Natalie says I’m naïve about boys, now men, and I know she’s right, but I also see things in people that she doesn’t see, like in Corey. I’m not worried that Leigh will come out here tonight and force me or anything. He has an innocent side too, and part of him really does want to help me, but I can tell he’s looking for pay-off.
Once you start fibbing you get trapped, and, because I ran away, I had to tell everyone I met here a fib about myself and who I am. If you only have surface relationships, the fibs don’t matter much, but, as soon as you start getting to know someone, it gets complicated. Now I’m getting to know Leigh, and I need his help. So on top of all the other things whizzing around in my head, I’m thinking about him too, and while all this is going on, I feel the need to pee, so I get up.
On my way back to the couch, I go to the window and peek out from between the curtains. It’s there! That fucking Escalade! Parked across the street in the shadows, far enough away that you might not notice, but with a direct line of vision to the front windows of the apartment, where I’m standing. I can’t see well enough to tell if Grant is in it, but as you might imagine, my heart is pounding in my ears.
I fight the impulse to get Leigh up. Instead, I sit back on the couch with the blankets over me, staring at the curtains. Sometimes you just need someone to share the fright with, but I keep my head and imagine Leigh storming out into the street, which would only lead to trouble and could wind up terrible because either one of them might have a gun. So I stay put and try to think it through. I wish I knew for sure whether Grant is in the car. The apartment has a back door, and I’m imagining slipping out and down the stairs, but he could just as easily be lurking out there somewhere. I put all my stuff in my backpack and tear a sheet of paper from the notebook I write this journal in. I write this note.
Leigh,
In the middle of the night, I made a spur of the moment decision and decided to go home. I left some unfinished business there and this seems like a good time to take care of it. Thanks for the job. Sorry to leave you shorthanded at the restaurant today, but I know you’ll find someone to cover. You’ve been a good friend during a difficult time in my life, so thanks for that too.
Apologize for me to Trudy, Ian and Char for not saying a proper goodbye. They have also been good friends. It’s going to be kind of crazy for a while when I get home, so don’t expect to hear from me right away, but I will write and explain when things settle down. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.
Amy
I put the note under the saltshaker on the table and sit quietly, listening, hoping Leigh is a sound sleeper. It’s early morning and the busses will start running soon. I peek through the curtains again and, to my surprise, Grant’s car is gone, so I slip out the back door. It squeaks and I shut it carefully and make my way down the stairs and around the building next door, then past the garbage cans to an unlit side street. I left the bike at Ian and Char’s, and decide I’m better off without it. I move fast, staying in the shadows, taking a long, indirect route toward a main street where I know there is a bus stop.
Since it’s now July, the night is short and light is beginning to show in the eastern sky, over the Valley. East is my direction today. By dark tonight I will have faced the music there.
The city is starting to wake and there are occasional cars. I slide behind trees or bushes when I can, like Corey described. When I get to the bus stop, I stay in the shadow of a building and wait, watching the cars, watching for the Escalade.
I still plan to take the ferry from Sidney to Anacortes, but I’ll have to kill a lot of time in Sidney since it’s so early. When I see the bus, I step out of the shadows, and it comes to a stop. It’s nearly empty. I take a seat toward the back. As it pulls from the curb back into traffic, I recognize by the bike rack the car that pulls alongside. It’s Leigh. He sees me and motions for me to come to him, which I understand to mean he wants me to get off at the next stop. I shake my head and look away. He’s still following when the bus goes through Sidney, so I don’t get off. When it gets to the BC ferry terminal at Schwartz Bay, I have no choice.
According to the schedule, there’s a ferry leaving soon. I can get a ticket and get on if I hurry. At the tollbooth, Leigh catches up to me.
“Amy, I got your note. I was worried.”
I hug him.
“Sorry I left like that, but I really do need to go back.”
“In the middle of the night?”
“Grant’s car was out front.”
“That asshole! My friends will take care of him. You don’t have to go.”
“I need to go home and if I don’t do it now, I may chicken out. There really is unfinished business.”
It’s my turn to pay and I buy my ticket. “I’ve got to go now, Leigh. Really. You’ve been a good friend when I needed one desperately. I’ll write later and explain everything.”
“Okay. If I have to, I guess I can accept that. I needed to know directly from you that you’re okay, and be sure that it wasn’t because of that asshole.”
I make it onto the ferry. The Canadian boats have a different look and feel than Washington state ferries. They feel like real ships. When they leave the dock, you get the sense that you’re embarking on a voyage, that you’re about to cross a vast ocean, heading for another country or somewhere far away, instead of just crossing some lake or canal on a more fun version of a floating bridge. As the foghorn blast announces our departure and the hull shudders beneath me, I decide I am glad Leigh followed me and that I had to change my route home. The world I am heading into will not be the same one I left, and I need time to adjust.
On the boat you can buy a bus ticket to Vancouver. I found the counter, paid and got instructions for boarding. This is the long, complicated route, but it will work and I’m starting early in the day. At the bus station in Vancouver, I’ll buy a ticket to Mount Vernon, and take a SKAT bus from there that will drop me off near Natalie’s house. I could be home before dark.