Chapter 32

Jess felt a sort of roaring in her ears. Then her head cleared and the room was totally silent, except for the suddenly loud ticking of a clock. She couldn’t believe what she’d just heard.

‘Do you mean,’ she said, sounding rather pale and scratchy, because her voice felt somehow shy, ‘that you’re gay?’

Dad blushed, and pursed his lower lip up in a kind of rueful smile. ‘I’m afraid so,’ he shrugged.

Jess felt goosebumps run all over her skin. How weird! How incredibly weird! Her brain went whizzing back over the years, remembering times they’d had together. They’d visited the museum, and he’d shown her the dinosaur bones – and all the time he was gay! He’d taken her to the cafe and they’d shared pizza and Coke – and all the time he was gay! He’d read her goodnight stories, he’d gone for walks in the park, he’d taken her to see movies – and all the time, he’d been gay! In a way, though, although the idea was so very mind-boggling, the more she thought about it, the more she felt it explained everything.

‘Well, why on earth didn’t you say so years ago?’ she said. She was beginning to feel a crazy kind of relief. She didn’t like the thought that he might have actually gone to bed with men and kissed them and stuff. However, if he was straight, she wouldn’t have liked the thought that he was going to bed with a woman. One just doesn’t want to think of one’s parents doing that kind of stuff at all.

‘I didn’t – I wasn’t – I thought you might be upset.’ Her dad seemed more uncertain, more tongue-tied and embarrassed than she was.

‘Of course I’m not upset!’ said Jess. ‘It’s brilliant! It’s so cool! Wait till I tell all my friends! They’ll be so jealous!’

‘Don’t you . . . mind, then?’ said Dad hesitantly.

‘Mind?’ said Jess, making a huge, heroic effort to reassure him. ‘I’m thrilled to bits, you moron! Congratulations! Give me a hug!’

She broke into a dazzling grin, and her dad smiled uncertainly. They both got up awkwardly and fell into each other’s arms. There was a cracking noise.

‘You’ve broken my rib now,’ said Dad. ‘This is why I’ve never messed with women. They have the strength of ten men.’

‘Of ten tigers, you mean!’ said Jess. Then a thought suddenly occurred to her. ‘Does Mum know?’

‘Yes. Well, it became obvious. It was why the marriage broke down really.’

‘She should have told me!’ said Jess.

‘I know – my fault, too,’ said Dad. ‘We just kept discussing how and when would be the appropriate time, and somehow we hadn’t got around to it yet.’

‘You should have told me years ago,’ said Jess. ‘It’s a brilliant reason for your marriage not working, don’t you see? I mean, obviously your marriage wouldn’t work if your husband was gay.’

‘I think I need a cup of coffee,’ said Dad, moving towards the kettle. ‘This has all been so sudden.’

‘It hasn’t been nearly sudden enough, if you ask me,’ said Jess. ‘Honestly, Dad! You should have told me years and years ago. It would have made perfect sense of everything.’

‘Well,’ said Dad, filling the kettle, ‘I was really mixed up when I married your mum and I thought getting married would sort me out. But it didn’t work. All I did was put her through a horrible rejection.’

‘That wasn’t all you did, you muppet!’ said Jess. ‘You created me, your fabulous daughter. Mum couldn’t have done it on her own. However, moving hastily on, and avoiding that gruesome topic, I’ll have a hot chocolate, please.’

Now she’d got used to the idea, Jess was really delighted about it. ‘So many cool people are gay, Dad. Honestly. You’ve got to have a bit of confidence in yourself. What about gay pride?’

‘Yes, well,’ said Dad nervously. ‘There still is a lot of prejudice about it. My own father wouldn’t speak to me for two years after I told him.’

‘What!’ exclaimed Jess. ‘Grampy?’ She was outraged. Nanna and Grampy, Dad’s parents, had emigrated to Australia ten years ago, so Jess hadn’t seen much of them. They still sent her Christmas and birthday presents and talked to her on the phone sometimes, but she wasn’t really close to them like she was with Granny.

‘It was to do with the way he was brought up,’ said Dad. ‘I mean, his parents were born in the Victorian age.’

‘I so hate the Victorians!’ said Jess. ‘They were so harsh. Still, never mind about them. Tell me about your boyfriend!’

Dad blushed again. The kettle came to the boil, and he made a cup of coffee for himself and a hot chocolate for Jess.

‘What’s his name?’ said Jess.

‘Phil.’

‘What, the same as your lodger? Wait! I get it! You said he was your lodger to keep me in the dark.’

‘Well, yes – I had to think on my feet. You turned up unannounced a day early.’

‘So all that stuff about his ex-girlfriend was garbage as well?’

‘’Fraid so. Sorry, sweetheart.’

‘What does he do?’

‘He owns a boutique. And he’s got a little boat. He likes fishing. And he’s a surfer.’

‘A surfer? Wow! And he’s down on the beach right now? Let’s go!’

‘Wait, wait,’ said Dad. ‘I haven’t finished my coffee. And you haven’t told me about your boyfriend.’

‘Oh, well. There’s nothing to tell really. He’s just the most brilliant, funny, crazy boy in the world.’

‘What’s his name?’

‘Fred.’

‘Ah! Frederika, I assume.’

‘Yes. Sorry I lied, Dad.’

‘Well, we’ve both lied. It’s a shame it’s not a commercially valuable operation. You and I could lie for England. We could found a company called Lie-U-Like.’

‘Or Lies ’R’ Us! I also lied about all those school-friends of mine, too. You know – Eleanor whose mum went to live in California and had two babies called Carlo and something or other.’

‘I thought it was her dad who went to California?’

‘Possibly, possibly, Dad. Who cares? I was only trying to make it easier for you to tell me you had a new wife and revolting baby.’

‘Well, you were barking up the wrong tree there.’

‘Well, I’m dying to see him again! Let’s go now!’

‘And I’m going to meet Fred,’ said Dad, looking apprehensive. ‘I hope he’s not somebody you picked up on the beach?’

‘Don’t be a moron, Dad,’ said Jess. ‘I’ve known Fred all my life. We met at playgroup when I was about three and a half. He hit me over the head with an inflatable bus and we’ve been best mates ever since.’

‘And what’s he like?’

‘Well, to be honest, Dad, I think he’s a little bit like you. Sort of useless, and amusing.’

‘God help the poor lad, then,’ sighed Dad. He finished his coffee, washed up the mugs, and then turned to Jess with a big smile. ‘Come on, then,’ he said. ‘Let’s get it over with. Although frankly I would rather eat a live porcupine than meet a boyfriend of yours.’

‘Likewise, I’m sure,’ said Jess. ‘I’d rather eat a live bison.’

They went out and strolled hand-in-hand down the higgledy-piggledy whitewashed lanes of St Ives. When they were nearly at the beach, Jess stopped for a minute.

‘Just promise me one thing,’ she said. ‘I don’t want you to do any of that hand-holding or kissing or anything with Phil. It’s not because you’re gay or anything. I’d hate it even more if he was a woman. Ugh! Gross!’

‘I totally agree,’ said Dad. ‘And likewise you and Fred must stay at an arm’s length at all times. Or I might revert into a bad-tempered Victorian tyrant and lock you in a tower and throw Fred to the hounds.’

‘It’s a deal,’ said Jess. Although it was reassuring to know that if she and Fred did forget this vow and accidentally brush up against each other, their penalty would at least be gruesome and picturesque.

They arrived at the beach. Fred was sitting on the rocks exactly where Jess had left him, with his hood pulled up. He was looking out to sea.

‘Fred!’ called Jess.

Fred turned and saw them, and staggered clumsily to his feet. He tripped over one of the rocks and sort of shrugged his shoulders about awkwardly before pulling down his hood and revealing his peculiar but mesmerising face, with its big grey eyes and satirical smile.

‘Fred, this is my dad. Dad, this is Fred,’ said Jess. They shook hands. Fred was almost as tall as Dad, and they smiled gawkily at each other.

‘And now, we’re going to meet Dad’s boyfriend,’ said Jess. She was afraid Fred might stare, or gawp, or giggle, or something, but he didn’t turn a hair.

‘Cool,’ he said, with a totally relaxed smile. Jess was so proud of him.

‘So where is Phil?’ she asked.

Her dad was looking out to the breakwater, where about forty surfers in identical black wetsuits were riding on the waves or crashing down into the foam. They were so far away, they looked like little black dots.

‘Over there – he’s seen us,’ said Dad, his eyes fixed on the faraway surf. Jess saw one of the black dots coming ashore. He threw his surfboard under his arm and walked towards them. It seemed to take for ever.