When I want to learn how to do something, I find a book on the topic. I read the book, gain as much knowledge as I can, and then try to do it. I am usually successful, but it can take a long time.
If I had a leaky faucet, for example, I would pick up a book on do-it-yourself plumbing. I’d read about how faucets work. Then I’d study the different types of faucets. I would read about what causes leaks and the most common ways to fix those leaks. Then I would make sure I had the right tools and start working on the faucet. With the book in one hand and a wrench in the other, I would start taking the faucet apart. After each step, I’d check the book to make sure I had done it correctly and to familiarize myself with the next step.
Then I met my father-in-law. When he wanted to fix something, he didn’t read a book. He grabbed some tools and started dismantling it. He would figure it out by looking and experimenting. In almost every case, he identified what needed to be done—and it took a lot less time than my approach.
They were a waterskiing family. So when I married his daughter, he taught me how to water-ski. “Don’t you dare go get a book on waterskiing,” he said. “I’m going to hand you a rope and push you off the back of the boat. You better hang on.” And I quickly learned how to ski.
I’ve gotten much better over the years. I still like to read about things, but I’ve learned the value of just starting on something.
Relationships require the ability to do both. They’re complicated and messy, and they don’t come with instructions. Books can help with understanding them, but we have to jump in and do the hard work of growing those relationships.
So let’s start with the book work. This section explores how relationships and communication work at the most basic level. Once we lay that foundation, we’ll get the tools we need and learn the skills of building relationships that thrive instead of just survive.