“Trip,” I say to my ex-boyfriend, “we need to talk.”
We’re on the set of his latest film. You know, the one that’s starring his movie star wife about a woman who goes to her ex-boyfriend’s wedding? Yes, that’s the one. The one that’s all about my life.
Long story.
“I don’t have time to talk, Brooke,” he says, ever the uber-agent to the stars. “If you haven’t noticed, we’re trying to make a movie here.”
“About that,” I say. “There’s something you need to know.”
“Oh no,” Trip says, “has the screenplay been leaked on the internet?”
“No,” I say. “Trip, listen to me. It’s about Douglas. Well, not Douglas, but…. Okay, let me start over. Douglas—I mean, the person who you think is Douglas—isn’t Douglas. That’s why the real Douglas suing us.”
“What are you talking about, Brooke?” Trip says, putting down his clipboard and giving me his full attention.
“Well, there was a Douglas. A Scottish guy I was living with. But we weren’t engaged when I told you we were—in fact, we were never engaged—and he broke up with me just seconds before your wedding. I didn’t know what to do. I had nowhere to live—thank goodness for Vanessa—and my life was turned upside down. You see, I thought that I had to go to your wedding with some gorgeous Scottish guy just to show you up, but now I realize that none of it really matters.”
“But you did bring a Scottish guy to my wedding,” Trip says, furrowing his brow. “You mean to tell me that you were able to find another Scottish guy to come with you to my wedding?”
“Right,” I say, “about that. That was Jack, a friend of mine from work. He faked the accent. And the Scottish back story. And we rented the kilt. We even bought a fake engagement ring at a costume shop.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” Trip says. “This has got to be a joke.”
“It’s not,” I say, wishing that it was, in fact, a joke. “I brought Jack and Jack pretended to be Douglas. Everything worked out in the end, because Jack and I ended up getting together and now we’re engaged for real, but that’s why Douglas is suing us. All of us.”
“You’re serious about all this?” Trip says.
“Yes,” I say slowly. “And now you know everything.”
“Okay,” he says back just as slowly. “but, what I don’t understand is why you did it? Why couldn’t you just tell me that you and Douglas broke up? I would have let you bring Jack to the wedding anyway if you wanted to.”
“Well, we have always had a competitive relationship,” I say.
“No, we didn’t, Brooke,” he says, grabbing my hand. “You could never really compete with me.”
“Yes, well, anyway,” I continue, releasing my hand from his grasp. “The point is, I was trying to keep my dignity ever so slightly intact. I felt humiliated. And I thought that if I showed up alone, I’d be even more humiliated. Do you understand?”
“Yes, of course I understand,” Trip says and throws a compassionate arm around my shoulder. “I would never want you to feel humiliated or like a loser.”
“Just humiliated,” I say. “I said I’d be humiliated. I didn’t say loser.”
“The point is,” Trip says, “you know I love you, Brooke, and I would never do anything to embarrass you or hurt you.”
“Really?” I say. “That’s so sweet of you.”
“Really, Brooke.”
“That’s great to hear,” I say. “So, then the movie’s off?”
“Oh, hell no,” Trip says and my mouth drops to the ground. “Are you kidding me? I finally have my hook. We’re going to make this thing a hilarious romantic comedy. I’m going to have my people put a call into Sandler.”
“What?” I ask.
“Adam Sandler in a kilt,” Trip says. “Non-stop hilarity!”
“You’re still making the movie?” I say. “After everything you just said?”
“Of course I am, Brooke.”
“But what about not humiliating me?” I ask. “About never doing anything to hurt me?”
“Well, Brooke,” Trip says, furrowing his brow as if he’s on an after school special and is about to tell me the lesson I should have learned. “My grandfather always said that the only person who can embarrass you is you.”
“Your grandfather was wrong,” I say.
“Now that I know everything,” Trip explains, “the movie finally has what it needs! So, it doesn’t even matter that there’s a massive lawsuit against us. It’s okay, because now I have a killer plot. And since this thing is going to be a huge blockbuster, the production company’s lawyers will even represent you, since you gave us all of this great material.”
The lawsuit. I’d totally forgotten. In addition to the fact that I’ve been totally humiliated, there’s also a two million dollar lawsuit hanging over my head.
I walk away from Trip and call Douglas from my cell phone.
“I told him,” I say in the place of ‘hello.’ “I told Trip everything, so now you can call off the lawsuit, just like you promised.”
“You finally came clean?” Douglas asks. “Well, fuck me, I didn’t think you had the backbone to do it.”
“Well, I did,” I say. “So, now it’s time for you to hold up your end of the bargain and call off your lawsuit. I want it called off against Trip, the movie studio, and me. Just drop the whole thing.”
“Well, darling,” he says, “it’s not really that simple.”
“Yes, Douglas,” I say. “It is. You simply call your lawyers and tell them to drop it. Then, they simply call the judge and it’s over. Simple.”
“Well, I’m not going to drop it,” he says.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “You promised.”
“Well, I’ve had a change of heart,” he says. “The suit stays on.”
“Then, I’ll sue you for breach of contract,” I say. “You made me an oral promise. I then acted in reasonable reliance on that promise and did something that I wouldn’t do otherwise. That makes what you promised me a legally binding contract.”
See, I told you I was a good lawyer.
“Save the legal mumbo jumbo, Brooke,” Douglas says. “I really couldn’t care less. And, anyway, I’m sure Trip will be delighted that the lawsuit’s still on. After all, it will be great publicity for the film.”
I hang up the phone without saying goodbye and run over to the hair and make-up trailer to go find Jack and Vanessa. Walking through a film set is a surreal experience. And it’s not just because they have a mock-up of a New York City street right next to a mock-up of an elegant Los Angeles hotel. It’s because this film set is my life. Right across from the hotel, they’ve got my old office at Gilson, Hecht and Trattner (which is accurate down to the little stress ball that was always perched at the edge of my desk), and the Soho apartment I used to share with Douglas. How different my life is now. I’m sure that by tomorrow, they’ll be constructing a set of Vanessa’s Upper East Side apartment now that Trip knows the truth about what happened between Douglas and me, and how I had to move in with Vanessa after he kicked me out of our apartment.
I walk through the wardrobe department and see that they have a vintage Halston dress, one that’s exactly like the one that I wore to Trip and Ava’s wedding, just waiting to be worn. They also have a wedding dress hanging, ready for the actress who will be playing the bride. I walk over to the dress to get a closer look. It looks nothing like the actual dress that Ava wore to her wedding, but it’s beautiful all the same. The bodice has intricate double embroidered lace, covered in little pearls and tiny crystals. As I reach out to touch it, Vanessa calls out my name.
“We’re going to find you a wedding dress that will be even more beautiful than this,” Vanessa says.
And I know we will—Vanessa and my mom are taking me dress shopping next week and I can hardly wait.
“Trip is still making the movie,” I say, “and Douglas isn’t dropping the lawsuit like he promised.”
“Oh, who cares? Let Trip make his stupid movie and let Douglas have his stupid lawsuit. Your life will go on,” she says, and I actually believe her. For the first time since this mess began, I realize, my life has nothing to do with this movie or the lawsuit. My life is about the people who love and support me most. The people who think that I’m fabulous no matter what. The people I feel the same way about. Vanessa motions to the hair and make-up trailer. “Let’s go.”
“Hey,” Jack says, as he sits in a director’s chair, getting make-up airbrushed onto his face. Yes, after all he’s been through, I managed to wrangle him a little cameo in the movie. He’s playing wedding guest #5 and I must say, he’s looking rather dashing today in his tuxedo. The one bright spot in the fact that Trip’s still making the movie.
“Hey yourself,” I say, as Jack leans in for a kiss.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box. “I think you forgot something.”
I open the box and see that Jack’s brought me my engagement ring. Not the fake one I wore to Trip’s wedding, but the real one. The ring that his grandfather gave to his grandmother when he came back from World War II.
An ascher cut diamond with regal trillions flanking it on either side and channel set diamonds around the rest of the platinum band, I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my whole life. I slip my ring back onto my finger. Where it belongs. And as I do, I realize that I never should have taken it off in the first place. And I never will again.
“Are you sure that you want to marry a girl who’s going to be publicly humiliated next summer when SCOT ON THE ROCKS hits a theater near you?” I ask Jack and he smiles back at me.
“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”