Ellie stood in the middle of Gideon’s bedroom and breathed in the smell of him that hung in the air. His spicy fragrance had tormented her when she was here the first time, before they’d … had sex. She couldn’t think of it as making love; he’d made it very plain that being in love was the last thing he wanted to be a part of.
She shouldn’t have come in here, but something had driven her to peek her head around the door on her way to one of the upstairs bathrooms, and she’d been drawn inside.
A sad sense of longing pooled in her belly as she gazed down at the enormous bed where she’d had so much fun with him. It felt like a dream now.
She shook her head, annoyed at allowing herself to feel like this again. She’d made up her mind about moving on from Gideon, it was clear there was no future with him. She could never allow herself to be dragged into another fling with him. It would be too painful to let him go again. He wasn’t to be trusted when it came to a serious relationship — she needed to remind herself of that, no matter how much it hurt.
She jumped in shock, her hand flying to her chest, as the door to the bedroom opened with a swish against the heavy wool carpet, and she spun around to see who’d come in.
Gideon.
Her face flamed as she realized the idiocy of getting caught in his bedroom. He’d think she was pining for him, acting like one of the stupid women he dated and tossed aside once he’d finished with them.
She drew up to her full height and turned to face him, ready to stand her ground and not — absolutely not — end up a messy puddle on the floor.
“Here you are,” he said, looking at her intently, as if he were trying to find a polite way to tell her to get out of his room and stop stalking him like a crazy person.
“Here I am,” she replied not willing to give him any help whatsoever in making her look and feel like a total idiot.
He closed the door and moved further into the room, closer to her but still far enough away that they couldn’t touch, even if they stretched out their arms. Which wasn’t going to happen, she reminded herself before the longing kicked in and brought her to her knees.
“I’ve been looking all over for you,” he said.
“Really? Well, I was trying to find a free bathroom,” she improvised, shifting her stance to ease her aching feet in their high heels. She pushed her shoulders back in an attempt at nonchalant disregard at his presence there.
“What happened to Toby?”
She shrugged, feeling caught out. “Ah, he’s around somewhere.”
“He seems like a nice guy.”
She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t lie to him, especially as it was likely Toby would be going home with someone else on his arm judging by the splash he’d made with some of the other female guests. “It’s not going to work out with him. We’ve decided just to be friends.”
Something flashed in Gideon’s eyes. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Are you?”
He looked at her steadily for a moment. “I wanted to apologize for what happened at your flat.”
The change in subject threw her for a second, before she steeled herself for the inevitable conversation that she’d already been having in her head for the past few weeks.
“Why did you have sex with me that night, when we’d agreed to end things after leaving this house?” she asked, wanting to get it over with, to hear the horrible truth so she could finally move on.
He took a deliberate step forward and the air around her seemed to change; it was as if an electrical storm was brewing.
“I wanted to fuck you so soundly you wouldn’t give any man you met that night a second thought,” he said, his bright eyes full of intense longing that made her stomach flip over.
“But why?” she managed to struggle out, despite the raging conflicts in her head telling her not to listen to his excuses, not to give him any kind of leverage over her.
He turned away, as if trying to gather his thoughts.
“You don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either, do you?” she said, anger and pain and hurt making her voice shake.
He opened his mouth to reply, his eyes filled with confusion and anxiety, then shut it again, shaking his head.
She’d never seen him lost for words before and almost reached out to him before steeling herself against the urge.
“Are you pregnant?” he asked quietly, catching her off guard.
“No. Don’t worry, your bachelordom is safe.”
“Maybe I wanted you to be.” The fierce passion in his voice made her heart pound against her ribs.
“What?” The word came out as a gasp as she struggled to comprehend what he said. Had she misheard him?
“I’ve been thinking about it recently, the fact that you might be pregnant, and I realized I didn’t totally hate the idea.” He ran a hand over his eyes in agitation. “In fact I felt excited by it. I can’t think of anyone I’d rather have as the mother of my children.”
Ellie felt as though he’d just grabbed her head and spun it around fast on her shoulders. “Then why the hell did you act like that then when you … we forgot the condom?”
“Because I was scared, Ellie. You’re right. I’m a coward. I’m terrified I won’t be able to handle being responsible for someone else. I’ve spent so much of my life only looking out for myself — and trying not to let anyone in so I can’t be ignored and left behind again.”
“But you seem so happy with your life. You’re so sorted. Especially compared to me.”
He shook his head sadly. “You have everything, Ellie, and I have nothing.”
“What are you talking about? Look around you.”
“Don’t be so naive. Possessions, things, they mean nothing. It’s people that matter. I’d give up my wealth in a second for a family like yours. You don’t know how lucky you are. It’s so easy for you to push them away when they try to pry too deeply into your life. You act like you don’t need them. I don’t have the luxury of being able to do that.”
She felt stunned. “You’re jealous. Of me.”
“Yes.”
“That’s so … baffling.”
“Of course it is, to you. You have no idea what it’s like to be completely on your own. You have family and friends who love you and want to keep you safe.”
“But you seem so happy to be autonomous. I thought you liked being on your own. Not having anyone to care about.”
“Yeah well, I got to be good at acting the part when I was young and I guess it stuck.”
“But all those women … surely that wasn’t part of the act.”
“Why not?”
“I assumed you liked it that way.”
“You seem to have made an awful lot of assumptions about me without checking your facts first.” Anger flashed in his eyes as he spoke and it nearly broke her. She was determined not to just lie down and let him walk over her though.
“This is all based on what I’ve seen over many years, Gideon.”
“But that’s the thing. You never really knew me before, you’ve always kept you distance.”
“For good reason.”
“What reason is that then?”
She realized she’d backed herself into a corner. She didn’t want him to know how she’d secretly pined for him since she was a child. How whenever he was around she’d tremble with nerves and excitement. How every time he turned up with a new beautiful, glamorous girlfriend on his arm she’d found it almost impossible not to break down into sad, angry, desperate tears.
That was why she kept her distance, because she would never have him the way she wanted him.
Her lack of response obviously gave Gideon the impression he was winning her over, because he stepped deliberately closer, and his expression softened.
“Look, I didn’t come to this house that weekend expecting to make love to you, but it happened. We’ve opened the flood gates here … we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.” His gaze searched her face. “Would it be so bad … you and me?”
“Yes. No … I don’t know, Gideon. I need a bit of time to process this. I don’t know what to think.”
“Don’t be so bloody stubborn. Just because you didn’t orchestrate it doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea.”
“Gideon, you fall for women at the drop of a hat, but when the crunch comes, you can’t commit. What if that happens with us? I couldn’t stand it.”
“Look Ellie, I’m not like Paul. I might have been out with lots of women, but I’m very picky about who I go to bed with and I don’t cheat.”
“Is this your sales pitch?” she asked and was rewarded with an exasperated sigh.
“Will you please try to take this seriously for a minute? You may not think it, but this is bloody hard for me, Ellie. I’m putting myself on the line here and the least you can do is give me a fair hearing.”
“Okay, I’m sorry,” she said, humbled by the passion and pain in his voice, “Please, carry on.”
He took another step toward her, putting his hands gently on her shoulders and drawing her closer to him until she thought she might pass out from the intensity of her reaction to him. “I know what I want now,” he said, looking directly into her eyes. “I want you and me to be together. Properly. As a couple.” He blew out a breath as if saying the words had caused him actual physical pain. “It’s actually rather liberating saying it out loud.” He smiled down at her tentatively. “What do you say? Will you give us a chance?”
She didn’t think she’d be capable of tying her own shoelaces right then, let alone make a decision that could potentially alter her entire life. It was so tempting to throw herself into his arms, but she needed to take a moment to work through the turmoil in her head first.
“I don’t know, Gideon, I can’t think straight right now. Will you give me a bit of time to think about it?”
“Okay,” he said, releasing her shoulders and stepping away from her. They felt cold and bare after losing the gentle warmth of his hands. “You’ve got ’til the end of the evening, then we’ll talk again.” He looked at her for a long minute and her body flooded with heat under his scrutiny.
Nodding, she turned to go, desperate for some space to reflect on the crazy mess of emotions now spinning through her head.
Gideon grabbed her arm as she went to walk away and she turned to look at him. His eyes were dark and fierce with passion and her heart flipped in response.
“I want you to know that I’ll always love you. It’s as simple as that,” he said, his voice low but steady, before releasing her arm and walking away.
• • •
The rest of the reception passed in a blur. Ellie kept catching sight of Gideon as she circulated with the other guests, but he made sure he gave her the space he’d promised because they didn’t come fully face to face again.
Her mind was a whirl of thoughts and emotions. She could have him if she wanted, he’d made that quite plain, so what was stopping her from searching him out and telling him yes?
Something was.
She was scared. Scared it wasn’t real and that he might wake up in the morning and decide that the romance of the wedding had gone to his head and he didn’t really want her after all. Scared that she still hadn’t found every little bit of herself that Paul had slowly stripped from her.
After all the crap she’d been through, was she ready to embark on a relationship with someone she wasn’t one hundred percent sure would still be around in six months’ time?
She needed to get out of there, away from his overwhelming presence, and think it through rationally.
Pacing around the kitchen garden helped soothe her frazzled nerves and the tension in her muscles began to dissipate as she walked. She remembered back to the last time she was here, marching around, trying not to think about Gideon in the shower. She smiled at the memory. No matter how hard they’d tried to keep away from each other, it hadn’t been possible.
Wrapping her arms around her for warmth, she considered her options. Option one: She could take him up on his offer and be with the man she was in love with, but who she didn’t entirely trust to stick around. The thought of losing Gideon once she allowed herself to hope about a future with him made her shiver with fear. Option two: She could tell him no and probably spend the rest of her life failing to find someone else who made her feel as excited to be alive as he did.
Cold drops of rain started to fall as she continued to pace, but she ignored it, intent on making her decision. She thought about Penny and what she’d gone through to get her happy ever after, and how proud she was of her friend for her strength and positivity in the face of so much pain and heartache.
A sense of calm acceptance settled over her. It was a question of being brave now. She’d spent too long living as a shadow of herself and she refused to let fear get the better of her any more.
It was time to find Gideon. She knew now what her answer was.
• • •
It was after midnight before the last guest left and the bridal party retired to their rooms. Gideon had paced the party anxiously after he’d left Ellie in his room, counting down the minutes until he could find her again and ask for her decision. He was so unused to giving someone else the control, and it made him jittery and tense.
What if she said no? It was entirely possible given her recent relationship history. She was obviously terrified of making the same mistake again, and he couldn’t blame her for that.
He went looking for her, methodically checking each room downstairs, but she was nowhere to be seen.
Had she left?
It was raining heavily outside now and he stared out into the dark, damp night trying not to imagine how he’d feel if she turned him down.
There was a gentle knock at the front door and he hurried to answer it, desperately hoping it was her.
It was.
His heart pummeled his chest and his breathing quickened as relief coursed through him.
Thank God, was all he could think as Ellie stood there, her hair soaked and plastered to her head, her make-up running down her face.
“You look awful,” he said, feeling the corner of his mouth twitching at her irked expression.
“Thanks,” she replied before breaking into a wry smile in return.
“What were you doing out in the rain?”
“I needed a bit of air. Your garden doesn’t offer a lot in the way of shelter.”
An uncomfortable silence fell between them as they stared at each other, the unresolved question hanging between them.
Ellie gave a shudder of cold.
“Hell, Ellie, you’re freezing. You’d better get dry,” he said, ushering her inside.
She stepped inside the hallway and turned to look at him, an expression of confused anxiety on her face.
“Come on,” he said, before she could say anything. He didn’t want to have this discussion in his hallway. They both needed to be calm and comfortable before they even thought of tackling what needed to be said.
He took her hand and wound his fingers through hers, before pulling her gently along with him.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
“In the shower.”
“You mean I’m going in the shower.”
“No.”
He led her up the stairs and into the en-suite bathroom in his room, neither of them uttering another word.
Once there, he turned to face her, and after giving her a few beats to tell him no, this wasn’t what she wanted, he reached around and slid down the zipper of her soaked dress.
She allowed him to push the straps down her arms and peel the sodden material away from her body until it pooled in a heap at her feet. Her breath came out in soft gasps but neither of them spoke.
Keeping his concentration solely on the task in hand and not allowing his more carnal instincts to take over, he hooked his fingers into the band of her panties and drew them down her legs, tapping gently on her calves to ask her to step out of them.
He moved up her body until they were face to face again, then leaned in toward her, their faces only inches apart, to reach around and release the clasp of her bra.
Their eyes locked together, hers large and dark as she stared at him. The bra fell away from her body and he dropped it onto the floor.
Blood raged through his veins and his hands shook as he took in the beautiful, naked sight of her; but he held onto his control, determined not to break the fragile atmosphere of the moment.
Without moving away, he quickly undressed, not breaking eye contact until they both stood naked, their chests rising and falling in rapid sync.
Finally, he stepped away and turned on the shower, adjusting it to a pleasant warmth before holding out his hand and guiding her into the cubicle.
She allowed him to position her under the stream of water, which played over her shoulders and down over her full breasts and the gentle curve of her stomach.
He reached for the soap, lathering it into his hands before reaching forward to smooth it over her skin. She let out a small sigh at his touch, but stood still as his hands moved over her, allowing him total access to every part.
He didn’t linger, giving every inch of her skin the same amount of attention before pouring some shampoo into his hand and rubbing it through her hair, pushing the soap bubbles away from her face so as not to get any in her eyes. She smiled at him as he worked and he smiled back, taking pleasure in looking after her.
He gently maneuvered her under the stream of water and helped smooth the bubbles out of her hair, gently tugging his fingers through it to avoid pulling any knots.
Once she was soap free, he swapped places with her and allowed her to soap him down, savoring the feel of her hands slipping over his skin, the gentle caress of her fingers setting his nerve endings jangling.
His body was hard for her, but they both ignored it, knowing this moment was about more than sex.
Finally, once she’d sluiced all the soap off his body, they stepped out of the shower and he grabbed two towels, wrapping one around her shoulders before tying the other around his waist.
She followed him into his bedroom where he found one of his t-shirts for her, which she slipped over her head. It reached to mid-thigh, but she gave him a raised eyebrow and he offered her a pair of boxers, which she pulled on and wore as shorts.
The sight of her wearing his clothes made him laugh and it broke the silence that had fallen between them.
“You look good in my underwear,” he said, grinning at her cocky, twisted smile. He pulled on a fresh pair of jeans and t-shirt and turned to face her again.
“Let’s go downstairs and talk, okay?”
She gave him a small nod and he gestured to the door. “After you.”
Following her downstairs, watching her long, damp curls swing across her back, he had to shake himself out of his mesmerized trance. He’d been waiting to feel like this for so long, he could hardly believe it was finally happening.
She walked into the kitchen and leaned against the work-surface, waiting for him to join her.
Stationing himself opposite her, he propped himself against the kitchen table, leaving a good three feet of space between them. It was important to have that distance if he had any chance of getting through everything he wanted to say without grabbing her, pulling her down onto the floor, and burying himself inside her. His heart picked up its beat at the thought, and he had to mentally talk himself down, wrestling his raging libido into submission.
“So, you’ve made a decision then?” he asked, concentrating hard on her fingers as they wound themselves together and ignoring the thought of the gently undulating curves of her body beneath the oversized t-shirt she was wearing.
“Are you absolutely sure you want to take me on?” she asked, her eyes now wide with apprehension, and it occurred to him that she would still need some gentle coaxing to make her believe what he was feeling was real and not just some passing whim.
“I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. I’m serious, Ellie,” he said as he clocked the look of skepticism that flashed across her face.
“I want to fill this house with our children, one in every room … except maybe I’ll keep a room for me to hide in when you’re on the warpath,” he said, giving her a provocative smile.
Her face fell and she gave him an embarrassed smile. “I’m sorry for saying you wouldn’t be a good father. Of course you would. They’d be lucky kids to have you for a dad.”
His heart lifted at her words. “Apology accepted,” he said.
“It was a stupid thing for me to say, totally inappropriate. Unacceptable really.”
“Water under the bridge, Ellie. Despite mortally wounding me at the time, it make me re-evaluate how I thought about … well, everything.”
“That’s your Superhero alter-ego kicking in,” she said, giving him a cheeky grin.
He laughed at her expression, shaking his head. There was something wonderful about having private jokes with her.
Her smile faded and something in his gut clenched at her sudden change in demeanor.
“Something’s still bugging you, I can tell. Come on, spit it out,” he said, hoping his instincts weren’t screwed up by the intensity of the situation and he was reading her right.
“How do I know you’re not going to walk out on me?” she said quietly, her face serious now.
“You don’t. You’re just going to have to trust me,” he replied.
“Yeah,” she said, nodding slowly, “I guess there’s no magic fix.”
“Ellie, you’re my friend and I love and respect you,” he said vehemently, determined to give this point everything he had. “I would never treat you the way Paul did. I know for damn sure I’d have your family to answer to if I did, and to be honest, I’m not entirely sure I could beat Gareth in a fight … or your mum come to that.”
She snorted gently and dipped her head at his bad joke. “But what if you get bored with me?”
“You’re many things, Ellie, but boring is not, and never will be, one of them.”
Judging by the change in her body language, he seemed to be getting through to her.
“So, what do you think?” he said, pressing home his advantage. “Can you take a leap of faith and trust me?”
“Yes.” She looked directly at him now, her expression determined, “I want to. I love you and I’ll be miserable without you.”
He broke into a wide smile, his body finally relaxing as relief flooded through him. “Well, that’s a good start.” He moved toward her now, closing the gap between them and cupping her face in his hands.
He looked deep into her eyes. “You want a drink?” he asked.
She smiled at him, already anticipating his next line. “No.”
“How does the next bit go?” he asked, his mouth curling into a happy smile.
Ellie leaned forward and pressed her lips against his, gently at first, but quickly becoming more passionate, and he kissed her back with desire, with joy and with love.