I parked my car and pulled down the visor mirror to check my face. There was lipstick on my front tooth. Why couldn’t I be like my best friend, Sarah? Picture-perfect, pretty, and petite at almost five-feet.
We’d known each other for over thirty years and were neighbors in Golden Lakes Village in West Palm Beach. Two times a week we met at Dunk the Donuts early in the morning, followed by a trip to the library while our husbands golfed.
It was almost eight when I walked to our favorite booth at the back of the doughnut shop, where Sarah was looking out the window.
“Good morning!” I said as I slid into the booth and laid my purse down.
She turned and scowled. “What’s good about it?”
Dark circles under her bloodshot eyes shadowed her face, devoid of makeup. Small white feathers blanketed her messy hair and clothes. Her sweater was crooked because it wasn’t buttoned right.
Dumbfounded, I leaned in. “What happened?” I whispered.
Sarah sipped her coffee and blew out a sigh. “I’m thinking about a divorce.”
My eyes widened. “But just last week you celebrated your forty-eighth anniversary. You and Ed have been our best friends for years. When Ed retired and you moved to West Palm Beach, we missed you both so much we moved here too. Please don’t get a divorce.”
She shook her head. “Eileen, I didn’t say I was getting a divorce. I said I was thinking about a divorce.” She looked up at the ceiling. “Hmmm, if I were single, I wouldn’t have to wear earplugs to bed because of Ed’s snoring, and I’d have complete control of the TV remote.”
The breeze from the ceiling fan dislodged one of the feathers in her hair, and it floated onto the table. “Don’t worry, Eileen, I won’t get a divorce.” She rolled her eyes. “I still love the big lug.” She brushed the feather off the table and took another sip.
“What’s with all the feathers?”
Sarah sighed. “You know I have insomnia. I lie awake for hours, sometimes till dawn, trying to sleep. About five this morning, I finally got to what I call my twilight zone—just before the sleep zone. That means I’m drowsy, about to drift off. I have to be very careful not to disturb my twilight zone.
“I was almost asleep when I needed to pee. I kept my sleep mask on and didn’t scrounge for my slippers. Barefoot, I felt my way to our master bathroom, where I lifted my nightgown and fell into the toilet.”
I gasped and covered my mouth. “Oh, Sarah, no!”
“They can put a man on the moon, but they can’t get a man to put the toilet seat down. My legs flew up as I hit the cold water. I yelped when I banged my head against the lid, and the seat fell down around my neck. It pushed my sleep mask down and uncovered my right eye.
“I struggled to grip the slippery toilet rim and push myself up. But I couldn’t, so I grabbed for anything within my reach and accidentally flushed the toilet. The water rose up to my armpits and overflowed. I yelled for Ed but didn’t hear him. Then I remembered to remove my ear plugs. When I lifted my arms to remove them, I sank lower in the toilet.”
“That must’ve been awful.” I tried my best to sound sympathetic and not crack a smile.
“I heard Ed shuffling to the bathroom, thank god. He turned on the light, rubbed his hand over his face, and leaned against the door frame with an incredulous look.”
“’What the hell are you doing in the toilet?’ he said.”
“I growled, ‘What do you think I’m doing, taking a bath?’”
“He scratched his head and said, ‘I use the tub.’ Then he raised his eyebrows and shook his head. ‘I think you’re losing it, baby doll. Why didn’t you turn on the light?’”
“I shouted, ‘You know why I never turn on the light! Help me up! If you’d put down the toilet seat, I wouldn’t be in this pickle!’”
“He said, ‘Don’t you mean you wouldn’t be in this toilet?’”
“Ed bent down to grab my hands, but then he backed away. He pointed at me and said, ‘Don’t move! I’ll get the video camera. We can win ten-thousand dollars for this on Funniest Home Videos!’”
“I shrieked, ‘Hell no!’ Then I narrowed my uncovered right eye and hissed, ‘Not if you want to live!’”
“He rolled his eyes and said, ‘Tsk ... tsk! You do get cranky when you fall into the toilet.’”
“I hollered, ‘You’re the reason I’m in the damn toilet, and that’s where our marriage is going if you don’t shape up!’”
“He finally pulled me up, handed me a towel, and said, ‘When I was little, my mother taught me this rhyme: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, lift the cover when you hover. Because I’m neat, I always lift the cover.’ He looked at me with a silly grin as he patted the top of my head.”
“I hate it when he pats my head. It makes me feel so short. Seething in anger, I mopped up with the towel.
“Ed ambled off to bed and said in a condescending tone, ‘You could’ve avoided all this by just turning on the light.’”
“I went berserk and ran up to him, pushing him face-first onto the bed. I whacked him over and over with my feather pillow while he covered his head with his hands. The pillow ripped open, but I didn’t let up until it was empty. Our bedroom looked like a blizzard. I threw my wet nightgown on the floor and got dressed.
“He rolled around on the bed, roaring with laughter and holding his belly. I was looking for something else to hit him with when he fell off. I smirked and flashed him a vigorous two thumbs up for payback. Then I grabbed my purse and slammed the door on my way out. I could still hear him laughing, the devil.”
Suppressing a laugh or even a smile, I swallowed hard and glanced out the window.
“Ed’s in for a big surprise. I ordered an electric toilet seat. If the seat is raised, it automatically returns to the down position after one minute. Problem solved and marriage preserved.” She grinned and sipped her coffee.
A feather floated down and landed on my doughnut.
“Um, Sarah, where can I buy one of those electric toilet seats?”