20

In the days that followed the maithuna ritual, I came and went, enjoying divine freedom, my bodymind continuing to tremble. I felt like foliage that reality was filtering through. The deep bond connecting Devi and me extended to the entire world, and I spent day and night in a continual state of rapture. Everything took on a startling depth because everything took place in a single space where the ego was temporarily diluted. This presence of total reality left me filled with wonder and free of all concepts. Each movement attested to a deep harmony with the All.

From the morning bath on, I felt myself to be in a state of uninterrupted gratitude. I wanted to bow deeply to the world, to sing out the wonder of each thing. Reality saturated with the absolute never stopped running through me as I ran through it, and nothing was without resonance. As we climbed out of the water and dried ourselves in the sun and air, Devi said to me:

"You see, ecstasy is the natural human state, and the obstacles we create to ecstasy are part of a dictatorial state our thought makes us live in. Ecstasy is simpler than suffering. It smells good. It is present throughout. It is with us always. There is nothing to do and nothing to look for. It's enough to stay totally open and let things occur without worrying about changing their nature. By our being really present, continuously present, all reality becomes a source of joy and happiness.

"You know that the moment for us to take leave of each other has come, and you won't suffer because the bond that unites us doesn't unite us to each other but simply passes through us to extend to the whole universe. You don't belong to me; I don't belong to you. We belong to the world, to the divine, and at this moment we know that with our whole being. Our bond isn't subject to time or space. I will be everywhere you look. You have planted yourself firmly in the heart of the goddess, in my heart, just as the goddess remains in yours, as I remain in yours. We are a divine waterfall for each other where we can bathe ourselves in light and quench our absolute thirst.

"The universe is a great pot that we never stop shaping with our flesh, our hearts, our thought—with all those little things that we love to separate from one another by artifice. But a good potter sinks his hands into the divine and lets the divine take varied forms. He knows that the earth contains the thirty-six modalities of consciousness, and he doesn't spend his time analyzing them.

"While the man thinks, the tantrika makes a pot. While the man confines his consciousness, the tantrika widens the opening of the pot and lets his consciousness experience the void. Distinguishing between what's inside the pot and what's outside is possible only if you forget that a pot needs an opening, without which there is seclusion, darkness, rot, and decay.

"The tantrika widens his pot. He enjoys letting the universe spill in and penetrate it. When he meditates, he experiences a single space. When he undergoes change, he experiences a single space. When he dreams, he experiences a single space, and when he dies, he experiences nothing other than a single space. So for him, there is no difference between meditating, living, dreaming, and dying. To experience a single space—that's absolute love."

Some time later, we went back up toward Devi's hut to share one last meal. The atmosphere was joyous and light. I felt a bit of a pang at the idea of leaving, but I also knew that Devi would be everywhere and that her grace would never leave me.

Devi told me to ask her all the questions I wanted cleared up, and while we drank some good strong tea, she answered them.

"Will the day come when I'll be continually bathed in this state?"

"When the moment comes, your heart will open. The primordial Shakti will appear to you, and you will be bathed in an unalterable joy. Everything will rejoin simplicity. This joy will be no different from what you know at this moment, but it will be without ups and downs, without variations in intensity, and everything will take part in it. You will feel a more or less violent shock, after which the kundalini will no longer rise like a spaceship taking off but will be more like an abundant and constant spring, which endlessly renews itself by circulating through you. Only then will you have received my complete transmission, my last initiation, and the power to transmit the teaching yourself.

''All teaching must be marked with the seal of the heart, and the seal of the heart is what makes Tantrism penetrate all."

"How will I know that my heart is really opened—that it's not my imagination?"

"It's just as easy as knowing whether you've fallen off the cliff or are still on the edge. When you fall, your concepts will be shattered like a bag of bones. When the fire rises in you, you will have more and more trouble reemerging from ecstasy and reality both. You can't be fooled. In the beginning, the ecstasy will come in waves and will subside as it pleases. You will feel moments of intense communion and others that resemble oblivion. But when even the smallest trace of the infinite is allowed into the consciousness, it can't keep from totally emerging.

"The essential thing is not to chase after ecstasy. It arises naturally if your presence in the world remains relaxed, without goals and constraints—free, opened, and light. There is no special practice to keep up. If you want to meditate, meditate. Ifyou want to take a walk, take a walk. If you want to work, work. If you want to practice the maithuna, practice the maithuna. If you want to withdraw into the forest, withdraw into the forest.

"It's the continuous experience of freedom that constitutes the tantrika's asceticism, not any constraint on the spirit. When ecstasy comes, take it. When it leaves, don't worry. If you let the divine come and go as it pleases, it becomes familiar. If you force it to stay within you or pursue it, it can become terrifying. Let yourself be. Be your own master. Stop all searching, and you will find yourself in the truth.

"When this awakening, this opening of the heart takes place, don't fix it. Don't make it into a success. Let it be dispersed into space. That's the only place where it can reach maturity, which means opening for an entire life. There is never an ultimate stage to be reached. Everything is in constant flux. To let things be and to let things die when the time comes—that's the whole meaning of life. There's nothing else to do. Everything rises up again from absolute freedom. Nothing fixed, nothing heavy, nothing definitive. No closed image of the divine, no dogma, no belief. Do not be for or against a single one of the ideas the faithful habitually attach themselves to out of terror. Death, karma, and reincarnation are only empty words used by those who haven't realized the divine. All concepts, dogmas, beliefs are like the flesh and bones of the dead. With time they end up as part of the earth again. As for the secret teachings, they remain secret simply because those who hear them or read them without having the necessary open mind don't understand them. It's beautiful to see the letters printed on the page. They see and understand only what their minds and hearts can grasp.

"The great Tantric sages have written down their thoughts. Despite that, the Tantric spirit of secrecy has never been broken. It's like a charm that keeps unprepared eyes from discovering territories they would disfigure by their thoughts. The divine opens or closes the eyes, frees or obstructs the ears and the understanding of listeners.

"We speak to help adepts recognize what they already vaguely know. Those who don't know, don't understand the teaching. In any case, know how unimportant the words are. What's perceived directly is the heart."

Devi stood up. She went with me to my hut and watched me collect my things. I offered her my knife, which she liked using so much. She offered me her small red necklace with the tiny bells that chimed wonderfully when we practiced the Great Union.

Devi took me in her arms and, with infinite tenderness, held me close. This embrace lasted a long time. When we looked at each other, I was surprised to see that her eyes, like my own, were filled with tears. She smiled and said in her softest voice:

"Who would we be if we refused emotion?"

"If my mind is filled with doubts, if the opening doesn't take place, can I come back to see you?"

"I have given you gold. Keep this gold within yourself until it melts. Then you will have a dream. Your heart will open completely, and the gold will fall like fine rain in your consciousness. Coming back would serve no purpose. The mountains are vast. Freedom is great. I come, I go."

I put my pack on my back. Devi rested her hand on my head and caressed my face. I kissed her hand and crossed the esplanade. As I was about to take the path that descended to the village, Devi called to me:

"Go by yourself, carry Devi within you, take your interior silence as master, and be free."

I adjusted my pack, made three great bows, and rushed down the path to the village.

With great joy, I found Ram again. He offered me tea and looked proudly at me. When I took my leave and gave him enough money to cover taking provisions and necessary goods up to Devi, Ram smiled, a little uncomfortably, as if he'd been saving a big surprise for me.

"Each week, for more than a year, I've been bringing Devi what she needs. I sit in her hut, we share a meal, we talk, she tells me things, and me, I come back down and serve tea to those who want it and say nothing."

"She's a sorceress who feeds on dead bodies and pushes men off the top of the cliff!" I said, laughing.

"That's right!" exclaimed Ram with an angelic smile. "She's terrifying, with her bloodshot eyes!"

''And the man found dead in the river?"

"There has never been any dead man in the river. I think it is you. Haven't you seen your body floating down it?"

Ram went with me as far as the bus stop, and with a respectful smile I said my goodbyes to this budding tantrika who had fooled me so well.