Felicia walked into the brownstone to find both dinner and Trace waiting for her. “This is some spread,” she commented. He’d taken the time to stop and pick up dinner on his way from the office. Not only did he have all her favorite dishes, but in the center of the table was a vase full of peonies, her favorite flower—another sign of the thoughtful changes that had taken place in Trace since his arrest.
“I’m glad you called,” he told her, kissing her lightly on the forehead as he helped her into her chair. “It gives me the chance not only to spend some time with you, but also to discuss something that’s been on my mind for a while now.”
“We do have a lot to talk about,” Felicia commented.
“We could flip a coin and see who goes first.”
“You go,” she suggested, curious to know his thoughts.
“I guess I should begin by telling you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me lately. I feel like I’ve been through hell, and the only reason I got back was because you were here to lean on,” Trace said. Felicia smiled in response and patted his hand. “I realize now that without you in my life, I can’t be whole.”
“What are you saying, Trace?”
“I’m saying that I’m tired of being in this state of limbo. I want us to be together again, sharing our lives as a married couple.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about us also,” Felicia admitted. “I’ve been wondering if maybe I didn’t give our marriage the chance it deserves.”
“Does that mean you want us to be together, too?” Trace asked, hope tingeing his voice.
“The thought has crossed my mind lately, but before we even discuss the possibility, I think that we have to be honest about our past,” Felicia said, determined to tell the truth.
“I agree,” Trace replied. “If we’re going to try again, we have to do it with a clean slate. I know that I could be a controlling bastard sometimes, but believe me, it was only because I was afraid of losing you.”
“You knew that I loved you.”
“I knew you said you loved me, but I didn’t believe it. In my mind, if you really loved me you’d want to be home, raising our family, and taking care of your man, not building a business. You once asked me if I was jealous of WJ and A. Even though I wouldn’t admit it to you then, the answer is yes. I was jealous because, as time went by, it became your life. I felt like I didn’t count anymore. That’s why I grew to hate the company.”
“Then why did you want to make it an issue in our divorce?”
“I didn’t want your business, I wanted you. I thought if it came down to a choice between me and your company, there might be a chance you’d choose me. I also figured if you did choose the business, my owning half of it would be one way to stay in your life.”
“Isn’t it amazing how the fear of losing love can kill it just the same?” Felicia offered softly.
“I’ve done some really stupid things in the name of love—like trying to get you pregnant on that cruise. I’m ashamed to admit that I punched holes in your diaphragm,” Trace revealed.
“You did what?” Felicia asked, not believing what she’d heard.
“I wanted us to have a child, and you kept putting it off. I knew that once you were pregnant, you’d see that you really did want to start a family.”
“Trace Gordon, that was the most despicable, hurtful, unforgivable thing you have ever done,” Felicia said furiously. The thought of all the pain and heartache his selfish trick had caused forced Felicia into immediate decisiveness. They were through. Trace was never going to change, and she was never going to be happy in this relationship.
“Why are you getting so upset? It didn’t work.”
“You’re wrong. I did get pregnant.”
“That’s not possible. I’d have known,” Trace insisted.
“The pregnancy was short-lived.”
“You had a miscarriage?” Trace asked, unwilling to entertain any other ideas.
“No, I ended the pregnancy on my own.”
“How could you? You knew how much I wanted a baby.”
“Obviously not. Not once did I think you’d stoop to lying and cheating to get your way. Do you have any idea what you put me through? I beat myself up every day for being so careless. And the guilt over aborting this child nearly drove me crazy. I felt like such a monster for cheating you out of fatherhood.”
“You’re damn right you cheated me. You cheated both of us,” Trace said angrily.
The two sat at the table in silence, each disturbed and disappointed in the other. The air of reconciliation had evaporated, replaced by a chilly fog of angry confusion. Trace could feel his chances slipping away, but he refused to stop trying.
“Look, it might have been unfair to sabotage you like that—”
“Might have been?”
“Okay, it was unfair, but is it wrong to love a woman so much that you want to see that love re-created in your child? What did I do that was so damn unforgivable?”
“What you always do—try to force me into denying myself and my own desires. You want me to suffocate my dreams so I can concentrate on yours. That’s not a marriage. That’s not sharing. That’s a sick control.”
“I don’t want to control you. I want to love you,” Trace insisted. “Felicia, let’s not lose sight of what’s important. We started off this conversation both admitting that we wanted to give our marriage another try. There’s so much we can share if we take the chance. We can still have a family and be happy together. So let’s just forgive and forget our mutual mistakes and move on.”
“Some things are just too difficult to forgive, and others can never be forgotten.”
“I’m telling you, Felicia, I’ve changed. I’m not the same man I was before.”
“If that’s the case, I’m happy for you, Trace. Change is good. Change is what keeps a person vibrant and alive.”
“Then we do have a chance?” he asked hopefully.
“No, because you see, I’ve changed, too. The woman I am nearly died with you. I can’t take that chance again. I want to live my life, not yours.”
“I can still take your company away. You’ll be running home to Daddy in no time,” Trace threatened, his hurt turning bitter.
“You go ahead and try, but I won’t be running home to Daddy. I’m running home to me. Good-bye, Trace,” Felicia said. Their eyes locked for a brief moment before Felicia turned and walked out of the brownstone. She felt a certain lightness to her step, a feeling that came with the realization that she was finally free. Felicia flagged down a cab and headed uptown on her way to meet Lexis.
As Felicia walked through her front door, her phone was ringing. She said hello into the receiver, only to find Stephanie on the other end.
“So what’s the deal?” she demanded. “I can’t get ahold of Gaby or Beatrice, so I decided to call the hired help.”
Felicia decided to ignore Stephanie’s slight. “Gabrielle has agreed to let you write the book—”
“For someone who doesn’t know her ABC’s, she’s a smart girl.”
“But the press conference will have to be postponed,” she said tightly. That snide comment made Felicia all the more determined to keep Stephanie from succeeding. “Gabrielle went into labor this morning. She’s in the hospital.”
“She’s having a baby, not heart surgery. I don’t see a reason to postpone anything,” Stephanie protested.
“Stephanie, be reasonable, she’s already agreed to let you write the book. At least let her have these first few days with her baby without a media circus,” Felicia argued.
“You want me to be reasonable, fine. We’ll move the announcement to the hospital. I’m sure they have some place we can hold the press conference. Have someone call me,” she demanded and hung up without saying good-bye.
Felicia hung up feeling wonderfully devious. If the plan she and Beatrice had concocted worked, Stephanie Bancroft was going to be terribly unhappy come Friday afternoon. Felicia was still smiling when the doorman called to announce that Lexis was on his way up.
“Hi,” she said, standing in the doorway of her apartment.
“Hey,” Lexis replied. They both grinned, causing much of the awkwardness that had built up between them to vanish. “You seem to be in a much better mood than you were earlier,” he commented.
“I am. It’s amazing how good taking control of your own life can make you feel.”
“Whoa, this sounds deep. What’s goin’ on?”
“I just came from Trace. We had a long and very honest talk about our marriage.”
“You told him everything?”
“I’d intended to, but then he told me that he’d intentionally tried to get me pregnant. I thought he had changed, but it’s pretty obvious that he hasn’t. Trace and I are through, Lexis.”
Lexis got up and walked over to the window. “I’ve heard this song before,” he said, his voice devoid of emotion. He was in no mood to have his feelings crushed again.
“This time it’s for good. I know what I want now.”
“What do you want, Felicia?”
“You,” she said, smiling. “I’m ready to go public with our relationship.”
“Yes!” Lexis said, swooping Felicia up in a jubilant hug. “I guess you’ll have to wait until the divorce is final before you officially move in. But hell, I’ve waited this long, what’s another few months?”
“Before you go crazy on me, there’s something else you need to know.”
“Yeah?” Lexis said, not liking the tone of her voice.
“I don’t want you to misunderstand my intentions. I’m not ready to move in with you or take any major steps toward anything serious.”
“I thought things had already gotten pretty serious between us. Why do you keep yanking my chain?” Lexis asked, feeling as if he’d been sucker-punched.
“I have some very strong feelings for you, Lexis, but I am not ready to make any long-term commitments.”
“You got burned once. That doesn’t mean it will happen again. You can’t be afraid, Felicia. You gotta put your desire above your fear.”
“One of the reasons I stayed so long in my marriage was that I was afraid of being out here alone. I went from my father’s house to my husband’s house without time in between to learn how to survive on my own.”
“You built a thriving business by yourself. If that’s not a case of survival of the fittest, tell me what is.”
“But there was always some man around to take care of me in case I failed. If Papa didn’t bail me out, Trace would. Having that kind of safety net allowed me to take chances I might not have otherwise. All my life I’ve used other people—my parents, my husband, even my clients—to validate me, to tell me I was smart, and strong, and beautiful. It’s time for me to accept responsibility for my own growth and happiness.”
“I guess this means Sepia Films is out one vice president,” Lexis said.
“At least for now, but I’m quite willing to work on a per-project basis.”
“In that case, you’re hired to promote my next film.”
“I’ll get on it right away. What’s it about?”
“It’s a love story,” Lexis said, smiling.
“I thought you didn’t do love stories,” Felicia pointed out, returning his grin.
“I usually don’t, but then I got an idea about these two people who can’t seem to get it together long enough to say hello, but aren’t about to say good-bye.”
“How does it end?”
“I don’t know yet. It’s still in development.”
“Just as long as Angela Bassett plays the lead.”
“How long do you think this transformation is going to take?” Lexis asked, drawing Felicia close.
“Could be months, could be years. I’ll keep you posted.”