The Touch of the Master’s Hand
In the chapter on perceptions of God, I quoted briefly a statement made by a woman who had been sexually abused as a young girl. I noted that though she believed in God, she felt beyond the reach of His love. In her words, “I believe He was holding out His hand, but I felt terribly unworthy to respond.”1
In her efforts to escape from or cope with her terrible feelings of guilt and shame, she turned to a same-gender relationship and became addicted to alcohol and drugs. For years she struggled. Eventually she made her way back, aided by a loving and wise bishop. But this did not suddenly make everything easy. There were still setbacks and slip-ups. There were times when it seemed hopeless and she felt helpless. In her own words, here is how she describes an experience she had in one of those darker times.
Jesus Christ seeks to comfort us and show us His love. Before this earth life we walked with Him and talked with Him. Now a thick veil stands in the way. It is difficult to reach to hands that eyes cannot see and listen to voices that ears cannot hear. It can seem an unbearable challenge to stop seeking wholeness and comfort from homosexual relationships, enduring the pain and loneliness of spiritual stretching until Christ’s love can be felt as he encircles each one of us “in the arms of [His] love” (D&C 6:20 ). . . .
Some people struggling with same-sex attraction fear they will have to spend the rest of their lives alone, without a close relationship with someone. But what “alone” feels like in the midst of the struggle is not what it feels like later. The love of Christ at first may seem little more than emptiness, but that’s because sin or confusion or resentment or guilt or false feelings of unworthiness or all of those things stand in the way.
I used to think homosexual relationships brought pure love. Now I realize that pure love is not obtained by pursuing passions. It is gained by keeping passions within the guidelines set by the Lord. As Alma said, “Bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love”—the pure love of Christ (Alma 38:12).
I am not alone. I now have a close, personal relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. And I prefer a close relationship with the Savior over a homosexual relationship. It is impossible to maintain both. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell has said, “Whatever we embrace instead of Christ will keep us from being embraced by Him!” (Address given to Church Educational System area directors, Salt Lake City, 1 Oct. 1992).
I bear testimony that Christ’s redeeming love is truly redeeming. Several months ago I became discouraged and overwhelmed. I reread my life story for the umpteenth time and came to the poem I had written [in one of her darker hours]:
Dear God, it’s black again.
Two solid months of darkness.
Two solid days of light marked Christ’s arrival.
I guess He isn’t coming.
Have faith, you say?
But faith does not hold my hand.
Or stroke my hair and tell me I’m OK.
I did not get any further than that. Something, or someone, stroked my hair. I was overcome with the Spirit, physically as well as spiritually. I realized in a powerful, new way that I was okay, that the Savior was there for me. I wish I could express how real it was—somehow convey in words the incredible feeling of peace and comfort and love undefiled.2
Notes
^1. Erin Eldridge, Born That Way? A True Story of Overcoming Same-Sex Attraction with Insights for Friends, Families, and Leaders (Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1994), 14.