Being the computer genius I unquestionably am, I’ve developed a little algorithm that I use to compute current listenership levels for my show. One of the factors that must be plugged into this hideously complicated program is the number of “I’m never going to listen to you again” e-mails I’ve received in the previous seven days.
At great expense (borne by the publisher of this fine book), I recently rented some time on a university supercomputer to run the program. The results? As of July Fourth weekend, 2006, I had actually accumulated a negative number of listeners.
Now, how could that happen? It’s no mystery. The reason is my big mouth. I just can’t help saying what I really think instead of what I think people want me to say.
During the last week alone, I’ve committed the following sins on my program:
Shame on me. It can now be said with certainty that I am damned to eternity in hell.
All in a week’s time.
Actually, any one of those transgressions would be enough to get the INGTLTYA (I’m Never Going to Listen to You Again) e-mail flowing. Load them all into one week, and Internet servers shut down trying to handle the increased outraged e-mail load.
More results from my computer research:
If every single person who has ever sent me an INGTLTYA e-mail or letter were still tuned in to The Neal Boortz Show, I would have somewhere around 32 million listeners and Sean Hannity would be screening my phone calls.1
I would guess that the people who write me these INGTLTYA e-mails and letters expect me to be distraught when I receive them. Not so. First of all, I know that these listeners, by and large, aren’t going anywhere. Their e-mails are the adult equivalent of “You won’t play nice so I’m going to take my ball and go home.” The child is right back on the playground the next day. If, by chance, they are serious, then they’re not the type of listeners I revel in anyway.
I’ve always liked the old saying, “If two people agree on everything, one of them isn’t necessary.” One of the most boring things you can listen to in talk radio is two people, a caller and the host, in complete agreement on all points.
“You’re amazing! I listen to you all the time!”
“No, you’re amazing. I’m glad you called!”
“I’m so excited to be talking to you.”
“Thank you! I’m so excited you called!”
“I agree with everything you say!”
“That’s fantastic! I’m glad to hear that!”
“You ought to run for president!”
“You’re right, I ought to run for president.”
Gag me! Where’s the dump button?2
My longtime executive producer, Belinda Skelton, is under longstanding instructions to favor callers who disagree with me. Callers who want to argue get on the air a lot quicker than those who just want to tell me how wise I am. After all, the obvious isn’t always entertaining. I should add, though, that callers who want to take me on are going to be held to a high performance standard on the air. For those who fail to keep things entertaining…another caller is just a button away.
Oh, and while we’re talking about buttons: I have a quick message for those of you who send me the whiney little e-mails saying, “You always cut off people who disagree with you.” Know what? You’re right. I do. But the truth is, I cut off all the callers. How often do you hear a caller say, “Well, Neal, that’s really all I had to say. Bye-bye!” That’s right—never. If we waited until every caller had said all he came to say, we wouldn’t have ten listeners.
Most people out there are mature enough to tolerate opinions offered by a talk jockey with goodwill and a bit of curiosity. Those who aren’t write INGTLTYA e-mails. It’s a reflection on them, not on the host.
Take another look at the five INGTLTYA topics I mentioned above. We have flag burning, creation vs. evolution, homosexuality, the Pledge of Allegiance, and prayer in the schools. Do you notice a common thread there? All but one of them, flag burning, deal with religion.
I can tell you without equivocation that throughout my three-plus decades of talk radio, the most vile, nasty, evil, cruel, vicious, irrational and just plain mean e-mails and letters I’ve received have come from people desperate to proclaim their status as devout Christians. Virtually all of the INGTLTYA messages have come from people who are upset because I’ve expressed an opinion that isn’t consistent with their view of what a good, God-fearing Christian should be.
Now, I’ve expressed opinions on the air that were critical of Israel. Not one INGTLTYA letter from a Jew. Since 9/11, of course, I’ve expressed many negative opinions on the air about the wonderful, peaceful religion of Islam. I’ve called for racial profiling of Arabs in security lines at airports. Through all of this, I can honestly say that I’ve received not one e-mail from a Muslim listener that I would consider even rude, much less hateful. I’ve said ugly things about the Americans with Disabilities Act, referring to the “tyranny of the disabled.” Nasty messages? None.
Liberals may call me a fool, a moron, a neo-con, a hate-filled conservative cretin, a chicken hawk, or a Bush sycophant, but seldom has a liberal told me he was tuning out because of my views on some issue.
Nope…it seems that the INGTLTYA message market has been completely cornered by those who call themselves Christians.
Do I pay a price for my failure to toe the fundamentalist Christian line on the air? You bet I do.3 One of the major players in talk radio in America is Salem Communications. Salem has talk radio stations in several major markets where my program isn’t carried. Several times in recent years program directors of these stations have explored the idea of adding my show to their lineup (something to do with increasing their ratings), only to be told by top management that there is no way in…well, let’s just say that no way in the world that Boortz is ever going to be on their station.
Look, I’m not slamming Salem here. The website for Salem Communications clearly states: “Research has shown that our News Talk format is highly complementary to our core format of Christian Teaching and Talk.” Now, I consider myself to be a Christian. In high school, everyone expected that I was going to be an Episcopal minister. I admire devout Christians who live their lives as an example for all to follow.
For the life of me, though, I can’t figure out why so many of them are forgetful when it comes to that “judge not lest ye be judged” thing.
With my views on things like abortion and homosexuality, though, the fact is that there’s no room for me on a Salem station. A Christian I may be, but I’m not their particular type of Christian.
The folks who run Salem are good radio people. I know many of the executives there, and on a personal level we get along just fine. Mike Gallagher, one of their hosts, is a good personal friend, and the other hosts in their stable are certainly quite talented. Salem owns the stations, and they’re more than entitled to program them along any philosophical or religious lines they wish. I just think it’s worth pointing out that my show would be carried by far more stations, and my listening audience would be exponentially larger, if I just went along with the fundamentalist program. All I’d have to do is oppose a woman’s right to chose, demand prayer in the schools, and tremble in fear of the (gasp!) “gay agenda.”
No thanks. I’ll just be honest with my listeners. Those stations that want to carry the show are welcome to do so, and the listeners who care to can just hang around to see what I’m going to do next.
Let’s start by talking about burning the flag.