I do not think I have ever done anything so foolish.
Julia closed her eyes tightly only for a single tear to drop onto her cheek. It had not been her thought to kiss Lord Rushington but, regardless of whether or not she had meant to, she had done it, and now could not take back the moment she had done so.
Another tear fell to her cheek.
Perhaps I do not wish to, either.
“Miss Glover, my Lady.”
Julia made to get up hastily, only for Miss Glover’s exclamation to ring around the room, having spotted the fact that Julia was in some sort of distress.
“My dear friend, whatever is the matter?” Miss Glover was beside her at once, taking her hand and squeezing it gently. “Is it the Masquerade Ball? I have come to speak with you about it, this very minute! I was so eager to know whether you had enjoyed yourself for, from what I observed, you had every dance taken.”
“And now I am to go back to being a wallflower,” Julia sniffed, knowing that this was not the true reason for her tears. “It was a wonderful evening, but it makes me all too aware of my present situation. My father thinks that I ought to return to the estate, then come back to London next Season and now, after what I have done, I begin to wonder if it would not be for the best.”
Miss Glover blinked, a line between her brows.
“What you have done?” she repeated, as Julia’s face burned with the realization of what she had said. “Whatever do you mean?”
Swallowing the lump in her throat, Julia sniffed again, and then took the handkerchief offered her with a word of thanks.
“You told me to be careful, Mary, and I think I ought to have listened a little more.”
Miss Glover’s eyes flared in sudden understanding.
“Oh. This is to do with Lord Rushington?”
“Yes, of course it is.”
“I do not think that you need to return to your father’s estate because of him,” Miss Glover stated, plainly. “Perhaps you ought to talk to Lord Rushington? Explain everything, from the very beginning. I am sure that he will be willing to make some sort of pronouncement, which will encourage the ton to return you to your former place. It is clear that he cares about you, and I am quite certain that he will be more than willing to help you. I am aware you wished to punish him but –”
“I kissed him.”
Her words seemed to whisper into every corner, every nook of the room, becoming so loud and repeated so many times that Julia cringed and then hid her face from her friend by burying it in her hands. Miss Glover’s expression, before Julia had turned away, had been one of utter shock. Her eyes were fixed wide, her mouth in a perfect circle, and her face a little pale. No doubt it was the last thing she had expected to hear from Julia.
“Goodness.”
The hoarseness of Miss Glover’s voice made Julia want to weep with mortification.
“I did not mean to do it.” Her hands fell back to her lap as she attempted to explain herself. “It was not something I had given any thought to, truly! I was afraid.”
“Afraid?” Miss Glover repeated, her voice now a little stronger. “What were you afraid of?”
Julia sniffed and dabbed her eyes again with the handkerchief.
“I was afraid of what I felt during our waltz together. I was terrified of taking my mask from my face and revealing myself – not only to him, but to everyone else present.”
Miss Glover nodded slowly, her shoulders dropping a fraction.
“I understand. You were afraid that, if he should point you out to an acquaintance or a friend, they would identify you as the young lady he had spurned, and that, no doubt, would cause all manner of confusion.”
Julia nodded, a pain beginning to spread up across her chest.
“And because he would turn from me.” Those words came out in a whisper, and she looked away again. “These last few weeks, I have fought to keep my feelings contained. I have reminded myself of what he has done, and the position I am now in because of him. I have told myself that he is heedless to his folly, and uncaring about what has become of that young lady. I have told myself these things many a time and yet, despite that, the anger I have tried to cling onto insists on fading away, bit by bit.”
“Leaving you feeling something more?”
Miserable, Julia could give no other answer than a nod.
“And you feared that, if he realized the truth, and suffered the confusion which would follow, you would lose his companionship forever?”
Again, Julia nodded.
“It is so very troubling. I wanted to break his heart, to triumph over him, to take away something in the same way as he took something from me. Instead, I now find my heart to be so desperate for him that it does not want to bring him any harm! Instead, it seeks to find a way to bring us closer – but how I can I even think of that when I know what I have done?”
“You have done nothing as yet,” Miss Glover consoled. “You had intentions to be vengeful, yes but you did not act upon them.”
Julia shook her head, her handkerchief squashed up in between her fingers.
“I would not be able to explain myself away without telling him everything. He will know that I recognized him, that I have always known who he was, and what he did. There will be no explanation for him as to my willingness to grow closer, save for the truth which I have held onto so tightly.”
“And do you think that you could share that with him?”
Miss Glover’s quiet voice sent her question ricocheting around Julia’s mind. Could she do that? Would she? It would mean explaining all to Lord Rushington, from the very beginning, informing him of her intentions and what had happened thereafter.
A thread of worry began to push itself through her veins.
“I fear for what would happen if I did,” she answered, truthfully. “Mary, he would have every right to step away from me, to push me back as far as he could! I would be another Miss Davenport to him, another who did not tell him the truth and who treated him as though all was well when it was not!”
Miss Glover held her gaze steadily.
“Then what is the alternative, Julia? Will you pretend to be ‘Miss Smith’ forever? You know such a thing cannot happen.”
“No, it cannot, which is why you now find me in this state of distress.” Julia sniffed as fresh tears came to her eyes and she allowed them to fall, managing to catch most of them with her handkerchief. “I do not know what to do. The very thing which I promised myself I would not permit to occur has happened. I care for Lord Rushington, he is within my heart, and yet our connection was born out of deliberate, dark intentions on my part. The only thing I can do, I think, is to step away from him.”
A slight frown rippled across Miss Glover’s features.
“You mean, you want to step away from him entirely?”
“Yes.” The thought of it tore gouges in her heart, but her chin lifted, a resolve beginning to fill her. “That would be for the best. I have no real desire to do so, for my heart yearns to be in his company again, but if I cannot tell him the truth, and I cannot permit myself to grow close to him, then perhaps I ought to make certain that I cannot so much as see him again.”
Miss Glover frowned.
“What does that mean?”
“It means that I shall return to my father’s estate, as he has suggested.” The words brought a heaviness to her soul, and she lowered her head and let her shoulders round. “It is the only thing I can think to do.”
There were a few moments of silence, followed only by a huff of breath from Miss Glover and a gentle clicking of her tongue.
“I can understand why you might want to run away, but it does not solve your problem, Julia.”
Julia looked back into Miss Glover’s face.
“What do you mean? Of course it does. If he stays here and I go back to my father’s estate, then –”
“Then he will be here next Season,” her friend interrupted, quietly. “And no doubt, he will find you out and demand to know what you meant by running away as you did. Or he will discover the truth during this Season, and you may find yourself with either an unexpected visitor or letters which you must reply to. Removing yourself from London will not bring you any sort of satisfaction or relief.”
“I do not think that he would do such a thing as come to my father’s estate to find out the truth. I do not believe that I mean so much to him.”
Julia tried to put confidence into her voice, but Miss Glover only lifted one eyebrow and held her gaze fixedly, to the point that Julia was forced to drop her eyes and look away.
“You must know that he cares for you too.” The softness of Miss Glover’s voice and the kindness in the squeeze of her hand pulled a sob from Julia’s chest. “I do not say such things to upset you, only to state that I believe that Lord Rushington truly does care for you. He would not be so eager to walk with you, to talk so openly with you about all that has taken place this Season, if he did not have an affection for you. Trust me, my dear friend, you may try to escape from Lord Rushington, but I do not think you will be able to. Even if you return to your father’s estate, you will take him with you, in your heart, and I am sure, thereafter, will become all the more sorrowful.” Shifting in her seat, she leaned closer to Julia, bending her head a little. “Would it not be wise to try to resolve the matter here? Even if you are left with a broken heart, you would be assured that he knows all and understands everything… including the state of your own heart.”
Julia closed her eyes and tried to find the right words to offer up as an answer, but none were given to her. Instead, she could only lift her shoulders and let them fall, her emotions bound up so tightly that she feared a single word would break them apart, shattering her completely.
“My dear Lord Rushington,” Julia murmured aloud, her quill scratching across the paper, then became silent as the words continued to flow onto the page.
‘It has been almost a sennight since the Masquerade Ball – a fact I am sure you are all too aware of. As you may have suspected, I have remained away from society for a time. However, I do wish to see you again.’
Julia closed her eyes tightly, aware of the tremble that ran across her as she penned those words. Yes, she had come to a resolution when it came to Lord Rushington – she did want to see him, and did want to find a way to tell him the truth, but all the same, there was a great fear in that.
I must do this.
Miss Glover had spoken a great deal of sense, and whilst Julia had rebelled against the idea of being honest with him, she had soon realized that escaping back to her father’s estate would bring her more difficulty, just as Miss Glover had pointed out. Therefore, she had no other choice but to be as courageous as she could… even if it meant pushing Lord Rushington away from her forever.
Putting her quill back into the inkpot, she steeled herself and continued to write.
‘I hoped we might take another short walk through the park – perhaps Hyde Park, this time? I shall be there tomorrow afternoon, at three o’clock sharp. I do hope that you will be able to join me. There is a good deal I wish to discuss with you.’
“My dear?” Julia turned her head sharply, just as her mother walked into the room. There was a flickering concern in her eyes, and in the way that she tilted her head just a little, her hands clasped together in front of her. “You have been absent for most of the afternoon,” Lady Harbison continued, making her way slowly across towards Julia, but coming to a stop a short distance away, so she could not read her letter. “In fact, I should say that you have been absent from my company ever since the Masquerade Ball. You have been hiding yourself away and, I confess, I am concerned.”
“You need not be, Mama.” With a breath, Julia sanded the letter, relieved that she had something to do, instead of looking back at her mother. “All will be well, I assure you.”
One glance towards Lady Harbison told Julia that she was not about to be so easily believed.
“You almost ran from the Masquerade,” she continued, as Julia folded up the letter and began to prepare the wax. “I understand that it may have come from a fear of being recognized and, thereafter, being rejected and pushed away by the other guests, but might I ask if that was the only reason?”
Julia swallowed hard.
“What other reason would there be, Mama?”
Lady Harbison let out a breath and shook her head, her lips gently pursed. Julia’s heart ached, but she did not permit herself to say anything further. Whilst she appreciated her mother’s concern, to tell her the truth would not be wise. No doubt it would only upset her mother, and Julia did not want to add to her mother’s already heavy burden.
“If there was something more, I should like you to know that I would be glad to have you share it with me.” There was a hint of sadness whispering about her mother’s words, and Julia swallowed at the tears beginning to lodge in her throat. “I do not like to see you suffer, Julia. You have endured so much already.”
Julia managed a small smile, but then looked away, returning her attention to the letter.
“All will be well, Mama. It has been something of a trying Season, I confess, but I will be contented again very soon.”
Taking the wax, she dripped some of it carefully down onto the fold of the letter, closing it up.
“You are not going to press our seal into it?”
Julia pressed her lips together, looking at her mother.
“No, not with this letter.”
“What is contained within it?”
Lady Harbison’s eyes flared with alarm, and she came closer, only for Julia to put one hand on her mother’s arm.
“It is to Lord Rushington,” she said, honestly.
“Rushington?”
Closing her eyes briefly, Julia’s stomach lurched. Thus far, she had kept all of her dealings with Lord Rushington to herself and had never once told her mother about him or that she had identified him as the responsible gentleman. After all, her mother had warned her of the man, and then commanded her to forget his very existence – so she’d had good reason not to let her mother know… Her mother’s face had darkened into what looked like disbelief.
“Lord Rushington is the gentleman who caused my descent within society.” She spoke quickly, hearing her mother’s swift intake of breath. “He was the one who mistook me for someone else. Thus far, however, he has not recognized me, and therefore, I now feel eager to speak with him about what took place.”
Lady Harbison put one hand to her forehead.
“Good gracious, Julia. How long have you known this? Why did you not tell me?”
Choosing to only answer the latter question, Julia rose to her feet, letter in hand.
“Because there was already enough of a struggle, Mama. When I first met Lord Rushington, there was not a single flicker of recognition upon his face – which mayhap ought not to surprise me, given his confusion that evening. However, after some time considering, I have now decided that I must tell him the truth, in the hope that, in some way, he will be able to restore me to the standing I had before.” She smiled softly and took her mother’s hand. “I must meet with him. I must speak with him, and tell him all. And that is what this letter is for.”
Lady Harbison’s eyes glistened with tears, but she nodded, a watery smile on her lips.
“You have more strength in you than I credited you with,” came the quiet reply. “I do hope that Lord Rushington will do as you hope, his past reputation notwithstanding.”
Julia swallowed thickly, her smile a little slow in returning to her lips.
“I hope that he will listen.” Letting go of her mother’s hand, she went to ring the bell, murmuring quietly to herself. “And that he will not push me further away than I have ever been from him before.”