I had missed Tom at his locker in the morning. I chickened out when he was sharpening my pencil before class. I twisted my beaded bracelets together while our teacher droned on. I couldn’t believe I was actually doing it. If my blood pumped any harder, it would spurt out of my ears. I hadn’t even been this nervous at the World Championships.
In the hallway we were swept along with the tide of students, pausing at a jam up in front of the library. Katniss Everdeen peered out from a poster, her bow and arrow aimed straight at me. I forced the words out of my throat. “Do you want to go to Sadie Hawkins with me?”
He stood dead in his tracks while the crowd surged and swarmed past us. “Oh Cara, that’d be fun, but I’m already going with someone else.”
“Sure, okay, no biggie,” I stammered. We were still standing in the middle of the hallway, and someone knocked into my shoulder, shoving me closer to Tom.
He reached out a hand to steady me, but I kept my eyes down. I twisted out of his grasp and bolted. At least that’s what I tried to do, weaving and dodging my way through the crowd.
“Cara!”
I kept going, blood roaring through my ears.
In English, the teacher gave us the prompt, “How does one define love?” and told us to write for fifteen minutes. Are you kidding me? I stared down at my paper, replaying the scene with Tom. Mrs. Smith walked up and down the aisles offering help. She paused at my desk and touched my shoulder.
“Cara, are you feeling okay? Your cheeks looked flushed.”
“I’m okay,” I muttered and ducked my head while my cheeks flamed even more.
What was I thinking, asking him in person? I should have let Kaitlyn ask him for me. Or I should have just texted him first and asked if he was going to the dance. Idiot. It was going to be awkward every time I saw him now.
At the end of the day, I headed straight outside into the freezing air. Tears filled my eyes, blurring the path. Who did I think I was? How did I get caught up in this superficial high school life? What was I doing here?
Spring was around the corner in California. It was nowhere in sight in Michigan. Piles of polluted sludge lined the streets. More snow was forecasted overnight. I stepped over the slick patches of ice on the sidewalk. My nose dripped, and I sniffed—a familiar smell from home—a campfire? Wood burning from someone’s fireplace.
I fingered the smooth stone in my pocket.
Kaitlyn pulled up at my house just as I rushed up the sidewalk. I glanced over at her but kept walking. She hopped out of her car.
“Cara!”
I paused but didn’t turn to look at her. I just couldn’t.
She caught up to me. “Hey, how come you didn’t wait at school?”
I shook my head, and she followed me into the house, past my grandparents’ questioning looks, to my room.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
I flopped on my bed face first, grabbing my Tahoe dog and squeezing her tight. “I’m such a loser.” My eyes filled with tears again.
Kaitlyn sat on the edge of my bed and rubbed my back. “You’re not a loser. What happened? It’s Tom, isn’t it? That asshole! What did he say?” She got up and came back with a tissue. “It’ll be okay.”
I sat up and blew my nose.
“He’s already going with someone else.”
“Did he say who?” She scratched my back.
I shook my head.
“Was he a jerk about it?”
I shook my head again.
“Well, what did he say?”
“He said he was already going with someone else. End of story.”
“I mean, did he seemed bummed or anything, like he really wanted to go with you, but …”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s not just Tom. I shouldn’t even be here. This isn’t my life.” My lips trembled.
Kaitlyn was quiet for a minute. Then she said, “It might not be the life you had before, but it’s good to try new things and have fun. You don’t always have to be a serious climber girl.”
I tugged at Tom’s bracelet to take it off, but it was twisted and tangled with my other one. I slid them both off and tossed them on my nightstand.
“I know bad stuff happened when you were in Ecuador. And when something bad happens, it’s okay to feel bad for a while, for a long time even, but you have to keep going. Good things will happen again. You need to let them.”
“I need to go home. I need to go back to California.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” I pressed my fingers over my eyelids, trying to halt the tears inside. “I just need to.”
“You mean to go back and live there or like right now, soon, to visit?”
“Yes. Both. I don’t know. I just can’t stay here. I don’t belong here.”
We sat in silence, my blunt words hanging in the air.
“Okay,” Kaitlyn said. “Well, I will miss you terribly, but if you need to go back, I guess that’s just what you need to do. Will your grandparents take you?”
“Yeah right,” I said with a snort. “My grandma can barely ride in a car for more than ten minutes. They wouldn’t understand.”
“I have money saved up from my job,” Kaitlyn said. “We could hit Nick up too.”
“Oh Kaitlyn.” My tears flowed. “I would never—”
“Come here.” Kaitlyn opened her arms, and I leaned into her.
She gave me a squeeze then released me. “You need to eat some ice cream, read some Agatha Christie, and we will figure out a plan tomorrow. ’Kay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
I stayed in my room for the rest of the evening, telling Grandma and Grandpa I didn’t feel good. It was true. My skin burned. I felt feverish. I didn’t cry. I just turned out the lights and crawled into bed.
I woke up with a gasp at three a.m. My skin sweaty and clothes twisted around my body. I took off my jeans and sweater and tried to drift back to sleep, but my mind had been revved to racing speed. I peered into the darkness, feeling more lost than ever.
Four a.m. Still couldn’t sleep. Tahoe rested in the crook of my arm. The darkness of my room was actually full of color, like glitter, hovering in the air above me. When I closed my eyes, I could still see the tiny pinpricks of color on my eyelids.
What an awful friend I had been. Such a baby to fall apart over one rejection from a boy compared to what Kaitlyn’s been through. She wanted good things to happen. For both of us. She must have thought that she didn’t matter enough for me to stay here. That I could just leave her behind. I hadn’t said anything about missing her if I left, or even if I would come back.