Sita has found me. I have no idea how she did it, but she has, and she has brought a fresh recruit with her. He holds me down. I can’t break away. Sita’s telling him that if he agrees to marry me, he doesn’t have to stop. He can go all the way. I can’t see anything. It’s pitch black. I thrash back and forth, trying to scream. Maybe if my mother actually sees what is happening, she’ll do something to stop it. To stop them. She’ll have to believe that I wasn’t making it all up.
“Mom! Help me! Please!” But my cries remain silent and only a gush of dry air escapes my lips.
I can feel his hot breath on my face. I shake my head as fast as I can, unwilling to let him put his disgusting lips on me. I punch and kick and bare my teeth and snap wildly. I thrash my arms, but he’s holding me down even harder, shaking me. He’s shouting something.
“Kalli! Wake up, Kalli!”
And then suddenly there’s light, a lot of light. I see him. His face is on top of mine, his eyes wide and crazy.
“Kalli, wake up. You’re okay,” his voice pleads.
I know that voice.
“Ellis?” I ask shakily.
“Yes, it’s me. That was some nightmare. You’ve been kicking and screaming, and I couldn’t wake you.”
I look down at my legs wound up in the sheets. I sit up to free myself. “I’m so sorry I woke you. Just a silly dream,” I say, trying to still my trembling body.
“It didn’t seem like a silly dream.”
“I’m fine. Really. I don’t want to keep you awake.”
“Shhh. It’s okay.” He adjusts the covers back over me. “Go back to sleep, Kalli. It’s still dark outside.”
I lie down, close my eyes, and keep still. But it’s difficult to shake off the nightmare. I haven’t had one that bad in a long time. My legs are uncooperative and continue trembling.
I raise my eyelids to see Ellis get up and adjust the covers so that they are nice and flat again.
He must be annoyed. But instead of walking away, Ellis sits beside me.
“I’ll stay with you, if that’s okay?”
Is it okay? The last time a man was in bed with me, he …. I shudder at the memory. But Ellis is not like them. He’s made no attempt to hurt me. He’s only been kind.
He looks at me, waiting for my answer. “You don’t have to,” I say.
“I know I don’t have to. I want to. But only if it’ll help,” he says.
I take a deep breath and nod. He’s different, I remind myself.
He wraps his left arm around me and pulls me in close against him, so that my head rests on his shoulder.
“Now you close your eyes. I’ll be right here beside you.”
I do as he says. The terrifying nightmare and the excitement of being so close to Ellis has me all wired up. The horrible images I saw beneath my closed eyelids insist on replaying. I can’t stop them. And then there’s Ellis. We’re separated by the covers, but I can still feel him. The warmth coming from him settles my shivering legs, though I don’t expect to sleep.
But I must have drifted off, because when I wake, I find Ellis beside me with his head flung back over the headboard, asleep. I shut my eyes and clear my mind, so this magical moment can find a permanent place in my memory. He stirs beside me, and I stay still, hoping to stretch this out a while longer. I lie there listening to the house waking up.
“Mmm,” he breathes, as he shifts and opens his eyes.
“Good morning,” I say, sitting up beside him. “I can’t believe you sat here the entire night. It can’t have been comfortable.”
“No, it was fine.” He massages his neck. “How about some breakfast? I know Lucy and Bo are hungry.” He gestures to where the cats pace impatiently.
“Yeah, breakfast sounds great.”
The next couple of days pass quietly. There aren’t any intrusions from Fallon or Margaret. And my doubts about Ellis have finally been put to rest. He has been nothing but kind and attentive. I was right to trust him. The only disturbances are my nightmares.
During my sleep, I go places Ellis can’t follow. Places of horror. Places from my past. I’m trapped until Ellis, shaking me and calling my name, pulls me free. Every night I try and stay awake for as long as I can, but inevitably I drift off, nestled in his arms.
I don’t understand why the nightmares have begun again. It has been at least a month since I had one. Of course, I wasn’t surprised that the nightmares invaded my sleep when I ran away. That first night on my own had been terrifying. It had been uncommonly cold. My blanket wasn’t thick enough to keep the chill out, so I sat shivering under a play structure at a park. Too afraid to close my eyes, I huddled in a tight ball and watched the darkness come. Every sound made me jump. But the need for sleep eventually pulled me in, and I went to a place even more frightening.
I was relieved that I had survived the night and that the dream was over, but scared because I didn’t know what to do next. I couldn’t stay in the park since parents were showing up with their kids to play. So I slunk out and wandered the city, trying to figure out my bearings.
I found myself going in circles most of the day until I came upon the train station. It was crazy busy, so no one took notice of me. There were places to buy food, washrooms, and it was warm. It was better than sleeping outside, but I hope I never have to go back.
I’ve fallen into a comfortable rhythm living with Ellis, and I don’t want to lose the consoling repetition of it. We make delicious meals together, read side by side, and we talk a lot. Even though we’ve been together for such a short time, I feel like our lives have always been enmeshed.
Now we sit side by side, at the kitchen table. My hands held snugly within Ellis’s. All the walls I’d built to hold in my secrets have been crumbling away.
I had told him that I wanted to talk to him about something after dinner. I hadn’t meant to be mysterious, but obviously I had. He’s trying to be patient, but his eyes betray him. I’ve started to read his silent gestures and facial expressions. Ellis’s eyes blink rapidly, clearly indicative that he’s nervous.
I lean my head back, close my eyes, and take a deep breath. I allow the secrets I’ve hidden so deeply to find their way to the surface.
“I never told you the actual reason I left home.” I swallow hard. “It all started pretty much as soon as my dad left. I realized I was on my own. No one was going to help me. But the hardest part of saving myself was—” I choke back a sob. “The hardest part was leaving Navi, my brother. I had no choice.”
“Why, Kalli? What happened?”
I’ve kept this secret locked away for so long. But he’s looking at me with his kind eyes, and I feel safe.
“Once my dad left, Sita worried we’d become destitute. She didn’t think my dad would honor his promise to financially take care of us. So she decided to marry me off into a rich family.”
I pause, feeling myself being pulled into that moment when she proudly shared her plan. I had been appalled, but assured by the certainty that my mother would never allow such an atrocity. I quickly realized that this was not to be the case. My mother rejoiced in the possibility that I would marry into a good Indian family.
“Marry someone? That’s ridiculous!”
“In India arranged marriages still happen. Certainly not the deranged way Sita went about it, but they do exist.” I cringe at the memory of men so much older, so disgusting, reaching out and touching me.
Lucy jumps up on my lap. I run my fingers through her soft fur and allow her purring to steady my breathing.
“I don’t get it, Kalli. How could your mom agree to all of this? How could she let you go so easily?”
I shrug, not knowing the answer to this question. How could she let me go so easily?
I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I twist the ends of my hair. “Um, I’m getting kind of tired.” I stand up, feeling jittery. I cross my arms and dig them into my sides. My legs twitch. I can’t still my body.
He regards me carefully, trying to keep up with my sudden change in mood. He doesn’t understand. How could he? He thinks I ran away to escape an arranged marriage. I can’t change his impression. It’s too disgusting to say out loud.
“Yes, of course,” Ellis says, getting up. “You get some rest, and I’ll pop out for a bit. Run a few errands. Will you be okay here on your own?”
“I’ll be fine. I didn’t even have a nightmare last night.” I try to smile. “So I guess your night duty is finally over, and you can get some real sleep.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he says, squeezing my shoulder. He leans over and gives me a quick peck on the cheek.
And with that tiny gesture, he makes me believe that happiness can exist, despite what almost every memory I have tells me.
I watch him shut the door as he leaves, and then I get into bed. I hope, somehow, that the last few days with Ellis will wipe away the pain of the past and allow me to fall asleep dreamlessly.
I close my eyes, but sleep evades me. I wait. I shift. I throw covers off and then snatch them back up. Then it dawns on me. It’s the first time I’ve been alone since coming to Ellis’s house. I could easily leave if I wanted to, but all I want is to stay here. To stay with him. I know my appointment with Margaret is coming up, but even the prospect of seeing her no longer seems threatening.
The wind smacks against the windows. I listen to the house creaking, as if my presence has made it feel uncomfortable too. Though I’ve been staying with Ellis for a few days now, the place feels unfamiliar without him. I try to cajole the cats into bed with me, but they’re fast asleep in the trees. I get up, not sure what to do with myself. I’d been spared the nightmare last night, but I’m worried that, without Ellis nestled beside me, it’ll return with a vengeance.
Maybe a book will help. I make my way to one of the walls lined with books, when I see the phone. It’s one of those old dial up phones. It’s like the ones I’d seen in It’s a Wonderful Life, my dad’s all-time favorite show. How ironic, that my dad ended up turning his back on his life. I guess he didn’t think it was wonderful anymore.
For a split second I think about calling him, but then I picture the last time I saw him. He hadn’t called me in a long time, hadn’t returned any of my messages, even though I had said I really needed to talk to him. So I’d hopped a bus to go to see him, to tell him face to face what was happening to me. My chest tightens as I relive the moment I walked up to his house and heard the laughter. I saw them through the window. My dad and a woman I had never seen before. Arms wrapped around each other. Kissing. She got up, displaying the huge bump beneath her dress. She was having a baby. He’d made himself a new family and had forgotten all about Navi and me. My dad’s betrayal hurt more than my mother’s. I always suspected she was weak, but I’d held him up to a higher standard. His fall from grace has left a deeper scar.
The phone trembles in my hand, pulling me from my memory. I will never forget his desertion. I will never call him.
I decide to try Mim. As I bring the receiver to my ear, I hesitate. Talking to Mim is wonderful and painful at the same time. I love the sound of her familiar voice, but it also makes the pangs of sadness stronger when we say goodbye. I shut my eyes and picture Mim with her round baby face and long blonde braids dangling down her back. I envision her black eyes, striking against her pale skin. I place my finger in one of the numbered circles and start dialing.
“Hello?” The sound of her voice is like home to me.
“Hey, Mim, it’s me,”
“Kalli? Oh my God! Are you okay?”
“I’m okay. What about you?”
“When are you coming back?” she asks, as if not hearing me.
“I—”
“Where are you now?” she insists.
“I—”
“Why haven’t you called me in so long?”
“Well—”
“Where are you?” she asks again.
“Mim, hang on, you’re not letting me get in a word.”
“Sorry. I’ve been so worried.”
“I’m fine, Mim. Actually better than fine. I met this guy—”
“What!”
“I got into a bit of trouble, and he helped me. He’s really nice, and I’ve been staying with him ….”
“WHAT?”
I pull the phone away from my ear. Her shriek even wakes the cats.
“I know. It’s crazy, but it’s amazing,” I say, my cheeks reddening and my stomach fizzing.
“So are you living living with him?”
“Oh my God, no. But he’s so good looking.”
“As good as Bradley?”
It’s as if her hand reaches through the phone and tightens around my neck. I can’t breathe. How could she mention him?
“You know, he asks about you,” she says, as if that’s an excuse to bring him up. “I think he still likes you.”
Calling was a mistake. I thought talking to her would make me feel better, like it did all the other times. But hearing Bradley’s name only makes me ache all over. I remember him crossing the gym, his eyes glued on mine. I wished I’d danced with him. All the girls liked him. I couldn’t believe he even asked me to dance. And then I ran out on him. I wish I’d been a normal girl who could dance with a guy and not freak out. One more thing Sita took away from me.
“Kalli, you still there?”
I think about hanging up, but I can hear the panic in her voice. She knows she crossed a line.
“Yeah, I’m still here.”
“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t bring him up.”
“It’s okay. I’m over all of that,” I lie.
“Are you really okay? You said you got into trouble.”
“What?”
“You said that guy helped you when you were in trouble. What happened? Is that little boy with you?”
“What? What did you say?”
“The boy? I think his name was Simon.”
My knees buckle and I grip the table for support. No, not Simon. Sammy.
The phone slips from my hand and falls to the floor, just as the door opens and Ellis comes in, bringing a gust of cold air that encircles me.