9

Before you speak up,
make sure you know what you’re saying.

The beach we go to is sandy, and borders a huge lake they tell me is called the Kineret. It’s all seven of us tonight: me, Ofra, Snotty, Avi, Moron, Doo-Doo, and O’dead. The guys have made a huge bonfire, and we’re sitting around it.

Avi leads Moron to a chair he’s placed in the sand. Then he pulls out a shirt from a bag with Hebrew letters ironed on it. When he holds it up, everyone laughs.

Except me, of course, because I have no clue what’s written on the shirt.

“What does it say?” I ask Ofra.

“Where’s the bathroom?” she says.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I guess you’re going to have to wait or pee in the sand.”

They all laugh harder. And I realize they’re laughing at me. “What?” I say.

Ofra pats my back. “I wasn’t asking you where the bathroom is, I was telling you that’s what the shirt says.”

Oh, man.

“Avi, speak in English so Amy can understand,” Ofra says.

He stands there, totally intimidating. “Beseder,” he says begrudgingly. “My friend Moron here has gotten us lost on many occasions. His sense of direction is legendary, to say the least. So with this shirt, he might not be able to find his way home, but he’ll be able to find his way to the nearest sheruteem.” Then he looks at me and says, “That means bathroom.”

Everyone else chuckles and claps.

“And my piece of advice is . . . don’t flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours.”

This amuses everyone. I assume Moron has a reputation for flirting with girls.

After Avi sits down, Ofra and Snotty go up to Moron and give him a wrapped present. He opens it and holds a pair of boxer shorts up to us.

The front is just plain white, but ironed to the back is a map of Israel. “This way,” Snotty says, “when you get lost you can always find your way back home.”

“Yeah, but he’s got to get naked to see the map,” Doo-Doo says, laughing.

I laugh, too. Imagining Moron stuck in the middle of the desert, lost, wearing a shirt that says Where’s the bathroom while he’s naked from the waist down as he examines the map on his boxers, is pretty hysterical.

Ofra sits on one of Moron’s legs, and Snotty sits on the other. “Our piece of advice is . . . let us shave your head instead of the army hairdresser.”

I watch as Ofra pulls a cordless razor out of a bag. Moron gives a nervous smile to the rest of us. To be honest, he has a great head of hair. It’s sandy brown, almost reaches his shoulders, and is really thick. Is he gonna let them shave it off?

Ofra turns on the razor, then she and Snotty stand up and go behind him.

“Take your shirt off,” Doo-Doo suggests.

Moron pulls his shirt over his head, then raises his eyebrows. “Be gentle with me, girls,” he teases.

“Keep your pants on,” Ofra jokes and everyone, including me, laughs.

Snotty makes the first stripe down the middle of Moron’s head as he squints his eyes shut.

O’dead takes a picture just as Snotty finishes one line. Then Ofra takes the razor and makes another stripe. They’re all having a good time. Even, dare I admit it, me.

“Give Amy a turn,” Doo-Doo suggests, then gives me a little push of encouragement.

I shake my head. “I’m not great with a razor,” I say. Especially electric ones next to people’s scalps.

Ofra and Snotty finish shaving Moron’s head. They’re having fun making designs with his hair as they do the job.

After they’re done, O’dead stands next to Moron. “We’ve been friends since we were three, and I know how scared you are of the dark.” O’dead pulls out a small flashlight. “So now, when they stick you in the Negev desert, you won’t have anything to fear.”

“Except the deadly snakes,” Doo-Doo chimes in, making everyone laugh again.

“As long as I have females in my unit,” Moron says, “I won’t need any light, if you know what I mean.”

“Which brings me to my gift,” Doo-Doo says, then pulls out a small, pink, stuffed teddy bear. “This is for you to sleep with when you’re alone at night and need something to hug.”

“Our piece of advice is . . . when you sleep with your gun, make sure the safety is on.”

Moron nods his head. “Great advice, guys.”

“Now it’s Amy’s turn,” Ofra says.

I look over at Snotty. The girl won’t even acknowledge me. Then I turn to Ofra. “Go ahead,” she says, urging me with her hand to get up.

Tentatively, I walk over to Moron and hold out a piece of material. “It’s a bandana,” I explain. “With a peace sign on it.”

He takes the material from my hand and studies it. “Todah, thank you.”

“They told me I should give you a piece of advice, too,” I say. Then I clear my throat. Everyone is looking at me, even Snotty. And it makes me feel all sweaty inside. Talk about pressure.

“My piece of advice is . . .”

I swear, I had something to say, but forgot it. I’m on the spot here and my mind draws a blank. Shit. I look at the horizon, where the sun is falling into the water. The first thing that comes into my mind and out of my mouth is, “don’t swim on a full stomach.”

Oh my God. I can’t believe I just said that. The guy is going to the desert for basic training. What are the chances that he’s going to be swimming in the middle of the desert during military training?

My advice is met with silence.

“That was very . . . deep, Amy,” Snotty says, clearly making fun of me.

I hear Doo-Doo ask O’dead, “Is she joking?”

If I knew how to get back to the moshav, I’d run there right now without turning back. But I can’t, so I sit back down and try and shrink as much as I can into the sand.

“Well, I guess I should say something,” Moron says, then stands. “Thank you for this great party, the gifts, and advice. Your friendship means a lot to me. Now, I know you’re supposed to throw me into the Kineret, but you better not even try it.”

“You have to get wet,” Avi says matter-of-factly, gesturing toward the lake.

Doo-Doo and O’dead are ready to back Avi as he chases Moron around the beach.

I’m shocked when they tackle him and throw him into the water, making a huge splash. Moron is soaking wet, but he’s not pissed. I would be if my friends tossed me, clothes and all, into a lake. But he’s laughing right along with the rest of them.

Ofra goes to help Moron out of the water, until he grabs her arm and pulls her in with him.

Snotty joins the group. I watch as she puts her arms around Avi, and they both splash in the water together.

Hel-lo. Don’t these people know it’s usually the custom to swim with bathing suits, not fully clothed? Of course I’m not jealous they’re in the water, laughing and having fun. I am absolutely content to stand here all alone.

“Amy, join us!” Moron calls out to me.

“Yeah,” Ofra says. “The water’s great.”

I’m a land person, and don’t particularly love water. “No, thanks,” I say.

The first one out of the lake is my cousin. She stands straight in front of the bonfire, warming herself. I try to avoid making eye contact with her—I’m afraid if I do my mouth might get me in trouble.

But maybe I should try, like Ron said, to get to know her. Even though she’s been rude, it could be because she doesn’t know what a great and fun person I am. I guess I really haven’t given her much of a chance. I’ll attempt to soften her up a bit first. “Osnat, I really enjoyed meeting your friends,” I say, thinking of how Ron said her name is spelled.

I swear, I deserve a medal for being so nice. She’s probably going to say how much she’s glad I opened up the lines of communication. Maybe by the end of the summer she’ll be like the sister I never had.

My wayward thoughts are squashed as I watch her turn to me with a toss of her hair and say, “Just remember, Amy. They’re my friends, not yours.”

And just like that she goes back to being Snotty.