3

 

Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, I considered calling in sick to work. The rain kept me from my walk this morning, thus there was no chat with Conrad. The two people in my life that I trusted most, Griffey and Emily, had encouraged me to accept the visions as a gift from God. It was easy for them to tell me to view this as a gift or just pray about it. They weren’t experiencing the visions. They didn’t understand. The two visions weren’t like simple daydreams. I truly felt transported; I saw as if I were there in person. I didn’t need a pat answer; I needed some wisdom. Maybe even some empathy for the situation I was in. Was this truly from God, or should I worry about my mental stability or lack thereof? Maybe the visions didn’t really exist. I could just be thinking about things that were running around in my mind.

However, by this point I was terrified of having another vision. I found myself analyzing how the visions happened. Both times there was discussion about a decision for the future. Maybe that was the key—I resolved to avoid any conversation containing decisions to be made. I’d just go to work, do my job, and come home. I shook my head at my reflection in disgust. How cold was that? Definitely not me.

“Lord, forgive me for even thinking that way. I’ve got a lot to learn.”

The fact remained I had the anxious feeling of having another vision in the back of my mind all day. The visions I’d experienced involved two people close to me. I wasn’t sure how I might react should I be required to encourage someone else. People these days didn’t talk about visions as they had in biblical times. But, these were real. There was no way I could have known about Elianna and Kevin.

Work turned out to be uneventful. I did my normal duties assisting with dental cleanings, X-rays—the tasks that made up my days. Honestly, I felt relieved. And, that made me feel guilty.

When I entered the house, the phone was ringing. I sprinted for it before the voicemail switched on.

“Hello?”

“You sound out of breath.” It was Griffey.

“Yeah, I was just getting in.”

“Hon, I don’t think I’ll make it home to get you. You’ll have to drive. Sorry.”

“Everything OK?”

“Yes, we had to call a quick building meeting because of some construction decisions. The new nursery windows weren’t the right size.”

“OK, I’ll see you at prayer meeting. Love you.”

“Love you.”

I glanced at my watch. Elianna’s Wednesday classes ended late, and she’d always go straight to church from the college. I was on my own so I didn’t need to worry about supper. I had about thirty minutes to prop my feet before I needed to get ready for Wednesday night prayer meeting and choir practice.

A quiet moment. And, the recliner was free. I pulled the side lever to extend the foot rest and let out a long sigh. But instead of rest, I wondered. Was I standoffish today? I truly attempted to have a normal day, but when it comes to interacting with people, no one has to tell me I’m timid and backward—to the point of awkward—when communicating. Of course, if you saw me with my family or Emily, you’d think I had a split personality. With those I am particularly close to, I open up freely. I know I’m not to have that kind of feeling with everyone I meet, but I do wish my mouth wouldn’t freeze up so often.

I wanted to make a difference for God. This had been on my mind lately. What could I do that would be of significance? I didn’t possess the gifts Griffey had neither did I have Emily’s outgoing, magnetic personality. Still, I longed to do something that counted, not to be famous or remembered, but something for God, who has done so much for me. What was there for me? Were these visions some type of gift?

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes for what I thought was only a moment—until I opened them and noticed the clock on the wall in front of me. I slammed the chair back into its upright position and jumped to my feet. I threw on slacks and a sweater and ran a brush through my hair. Since it was a seven minute to drive from our house to the church, I would arrive with about three minutes to spare, depending on the parking available.

I sped toward the church, catching every red light on the way, and located a parking place that required a little longer walk. Upon entering the sanctuary, I spotted a vacant pew-end about two ahead of the back row and tiptoed to it. Perfect timing. Griffey had just begun to greet everyone with a “Good evening.” He discreetly scanned the crowd; when his eyes met mine, he smiled. I understand the meaning—he was making sure I had arrived safely. I smiled back and gave him a wink.

After sharing updates on the prayer list Griffey launched into the study for the night. I remembered he had been doing a series of teachings about spiritual gifts.

“Tonight, I believe we will focus on why we have spiritual gifts and what we should do with them.”

I thought back to the spiritual gifts inventory we took just a few weeks ago. My results showed my gifting in the areas of discernment and encouragement.

“…we rob the body of Christ if we do not utilize the gifts we have been given.”

A twinge of jealousy entered my mind. Griffey possessed the gift of teaching and speaking. I have seen no other man embody the qualities of a pastor/shepherd like my husband. Sometimes I believe I’m a hindrance to him and, especially, his ministry.

“…but we should not envy the gifts of others. There is no gift more important than another. Some are just more visible, and we humans tend to place those gifts in higher standing than others that might involve working behind the scenes.”

I smiled at that little scolding from God sent through Griffey’s words.

After the Bible study, I went to see Griffey before heading off to choir.

“You dozed off in my recliner, didn’t you?” He crossed his arms and cocked an eyebrow.

“Yep.”

“You probably needed it.”

“I made it before the preacher started.” I flashed him a teasing smile.

“Oh, and by the way, you need not involve everyone else when your teaching message is just for me. Must you stomp your wife’s toes?”

He flashed the grin this time.

 

****

 

Thursday evenings I meet with a small group of women at our church for Bible study. I stopped by Peggy Jo’s Bakery for a variety box of their donut holes. I thought I might encourage with a little something sweet.

I pulled my car into a space in front of the fellowship hall, turned off the engine, then sat there a moment, wondering if I should disclose my visions to the group or not. I felt fairly close to these women. We had shared an abundance of prayer time over various happenings in our lives, but I still didn’t feel close enough to reveal something so private. Being the pastor’s wife, I couldn’t be sure that one of them wouldn’t feel inclined to pass along the information. And, anyway, the visions could have stopped already. Why stir up something? What if they thought I’d lost my mind? That’s what I’d think if someone divulged with me she was having visions. I had to be honest. That would be my reaction to such news.

Once I stepped inside, the chattering made it easy to tell that a group of women were meeting. You’d have thought the place was full, but there were only ten of us when we all made it.

Emily brought us to order with a prayer. Normally we began by watching a video segment and discussion followed. However, one of the women, Sue, asked if we might begin differently.

“I am not usually one to stray from our study. This is mostly due to the fact that I am learning how to do Bible study as we go along. But, God has impressed a passage of Scripture on me that I feel I’m to share.”

Sue proceeded to read from Deuteronomy. The verses focused upon God instructing the people. Specifically, He told them if they would obey, they would receive blessing. If they didn’t obey, they would receive curses.

“I’m not sure why God pointed out those particular verses to me. Of course, Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I connect blessings with that holiday.” Sue shrugged and gazed around the circle of women with questioning eyes.

I hoped the ladies couldn’t detect the accelerated speed of my heart. Emily glanced at me and winked. I believe that was her way of saying calm down.

“So, do we miss out on blessings when we don’t obey?” another woman said.

The question caused my hands to tremble ever so slightly. In my nervousness, I began to shake my leg up and down.

“I believe that can be possible,” Emily said.

“What do you think, Addy?” Sue said.

I felt every eye on me. I needed to answer, yet I didn’t want to appear as shocked as I was inside to hear the same words I had discussed with Conrad and grappled with over the last few days.

“I think … I believe that we most certainly can miss out on blessings due to our disobedience or not following God’s directives. I have often wondered what blessings I have missed out on because I either ignore the answer I receive or I don’t even try to find God’s will by discerning it through the Holy Spirit by use of Scripture.”

I suppose the women weren’t expecting me to have such an extensively thought out answer. They looked at me quite speechless. After an awkward moment of silence, Emily posed another question. I didn’t hear the question. I was happy and relieved to have the focus taken from me.

Finally, we began our video. I couldn’t concentrate. Was God trying to get some message across to me? Could this be the beginning of doing something significant for Him? I had to learn the other thing Conrad advised me—to not fear. That alone was very difficult—next to impossible—when I couldn’t understand what was happening and why I was being pulled out of my comfort zone.

I stayed after study concluded to help Emily store the equipment and talk with her.

“Emily, what is God trying to tell me? That discussion couldn’t have been coincidence. Of all the subjects in the world, Sue brings up blessing. I’m freaked out!”

“Addy, calm down. I know it was overwhelming to have that brought up. But, instead of being freaked out, why not feel blessed?”

“Blessed?” My voice cracked.

“Yeah, Addy. God is using you and obviously preparing to use you more. Isn’t that a good thing?”

“I know. I know. I just wish I could choose how He would use me. It wouldn’t be this way.”

“Maybe that’s the point—out of the comfort zone and into letting Him lead.”

“I don’t want out of my comfort zone. It’s safe there.” I poked out my lip like a pouting child. Emily attempted to reassure me with a hug.