chapter 4

Nicole enjoyed exploring Javea over the next few days, appreciating her parents’ love of the town. It wasn’t just the climate that was welcoming. The arenal offered not just a great beach but a fantastic choice of restaurants, shops and cafés to sample during the daily and evening promenades. At night the arenal pulsed with life, attracting both tourists and ex-pats from various countries, while whole Spanish families, from ninos to abuelos, arrived late in the restaurants, laughing and chatting volubly.

The old Town and port held their own fascination and ambience and Nicole became seduced. Sitting in a café on the arenal one morning with her parents, she realised how much she missed living by the sea, enjoying the special effect it had on everyone. The young Spanish workers looked animated and relaxed as they sat outside the cafés drinking and gesticulating, but always well behaved. Nicole thought back to nights out in Bristol which invariably entailed being the unwilling spectator not only to fights but young revellers vomiting into the gutter. Not a pretty sight. She grimaced at the memory. It was also obvious to her how much the Spanish respected their elders, always giving them pride of place in family outings. Something her parents’ generation lacked in the UK and would be much appreciated. She wasn’t too proud of her own record in this regard, acknowledging that she’d almost ignored her parents once she became involved in her new life in England.

As she gazed at them now, it struck her how much less stuffy they were. Her father, always so formal in his manner and dress, was now transformed in linen slacks and short sleeved shirt. His tan, against the deep blue shirt, made him look ten years younger. Her mother, in a strappy floral sundress and straw hat, glowed in a way unnoticed by Nicole until now. At that moment a couple of fellow Brits came up and spoke to her mother who smiled at them.

‘Ian, Nicole, let me introduce you to Sandy and Yvonne, fellow members of my drama group. Shall we squeeze up and make room for them?’

The newcomers settled into their seats, more coffees were ordered, with the talk soon focussing on the latest play being produced. Nicole watched with wonder as her mother emerged from her father’s shadow and took centre stage for once. Well, well, well, things are looking good. Mum’s come out of that shell of hers at last. Good, and about time too!

While Nicole was a child her mother had not seemed keen on socialising; she remembered times when her father suggested her mother accompany him to a particular function and she would demur, pleading tiredness or lack of a babysitter.

Holidays had been infrequent and not entirely happy occasions, at least not for Nicole. There were no foreign beach holidays as, after all, they lived on an island contoured with golden sands. Instead they’d skied each winter in the French Alps, sharing a chalet with childless friends of her father’s. In the summer they went driving through France, sometimes as far as northern Spain. The trips tended to be more cultural than fun for a child. Nicole felt alone, missing the companionship of children her own age, always glad to return home to meet up with her friends.

Chewing her lips, she thought back to her childhood. It was a shock to realise she’d been happiest when with her school friends, like Susie, than with her parents. Life at home had been subdued, more talk than play. Her mother had done her best to play games with her, but she’d been awkward, as if unsure how to relax and be childlike. And her father! Well, he hadn’t even tried, just patted her on the head in passing. They’d been generous with money but not with their time; she’d felt alone in their adult world. It struck Nicole that she may have quashed her innate extrovert nature in order to fit into the family “mould”. Her real personality only surfaced when she went to university and learnt to let her hair down. So, perhaps her real mother or father were more like her? It would be good to find out!

As she looked at her mother now, Nicole saw that she had at last found her rightful place in the world. No longer the “Advocate’s Wife”, but another ex-pat keen to embrace a new life, choosing her own persona. Nicole frowned. Perhaps she needed to be some place new where she was free to choose a new identity, sloughing off her old skin like that of a snake. Time to let go of the old. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy the trappings of success, she did. But she also wanted to dig beneath the surface, just as she’d done when she’d first become a reporter at the radio station. She knew there was something vital missing in her life but didn’t know what it was. Sighing, she wondered if she’d find it if, and when, she found her birth mother. Nicole didn’t want to be like Mary, not finding out what made her happy until she retired. No, she wanted to find out now!

 

It had not been difficult for her parents to persuade Nicole to stay two weeks with them, the slower pace of life and the user-friendly climate were sufficiently enticing. She couldn’t remember when she’d last been so relaxed and felt sad on her last evening. They were going out for a meal in their favourite restaurant in the port in celebration.

As she was standing in front of the mirror in her bedroom, brushing her short bob into place, her mother appeared in the doorway.

‘All right to come in, Nicole?’ Her mother hovered, as if uncertain of her reception.

‘Of course.’ Nicole swung round, giving her a warm smile.

‘Just wanted to say how much we’ve enjoyed having you to stay, darling. It’s been ages since we’ve spent so long together, just the three of us.’

‘Well, I’ve enjoyed being here and I’m very envious of your new life, Mum. And it certainly seems to suit you both.’

‘Yes, it does. And I’ve made more friends here than in Jersey. But family’s much more important so I hope it won’t be long before you come back.’ Her mother’s smile looked strained.

Nicole threw down her brush and hugged her.

‘Course I’ll be back, as soon as I can. What girl could resist a free holiday in the sun, with all mod cons included?’ She grinned at her mother who kissed her lightly on the cheek.

‘If it’s only cupboard love that’ll bring you back…!’

They both smiled but Nicole noticed that the smile didn’t quite reach Mary’s eyes.

 

The next morning her parents drove Nicole to Alicante airport and as they said goodbye before security, she received a warm hug from her father.

‘Take care of yourself, now,’ his voice gruff as he released her.

‘Will do, Dad. See you soon,’ she smiled. Mm, the old boy’s softening up a bit.

After another hug from her mother Nicole joined the queue, offering a quick final wave to her parents. She sensed the thinly disguised concern behind the smiles and waves and felt sad that her quest, although natural, was the cause of pain to her parents. She knew no matter what transpired in her search for her birth mother, that she would still love them and acknowledge their hard work in her upbringing. But even as she was settling into her seat ready for take-off, Nicole pictured her mother’s tearful face as they had said goodbye. She wondered if her mother was not so much upset with her leaving as with the possibility that she might find another mother to love more…

 

By late that afternoon a somewhat tired and travel stained Nicole was on another plane coming into land in Jersey. From her vantage point in a window seat she could make out the familiar outline of what had been, for many years, her home. The sight evoked mixed feelings. The leap in her stomach was the feeling she associated with safety – coming home. Although now, strictly speaking, it wasn’t her home any more, she still had a sense of belonging, of self. Nicole realised with a jolt that this was the first time she’d returned to Jersey when her parents were absent. Mm, this was going to be odd. Fear and trepidation lurked beneath the surface.

She took a deep breath as the plane taxied to a stop. Nicole knew that not so far away, in an office in St Helier, lay a file that held her secret. Within the next few days or weeks she might be granted access to that file and for the first time since she had embarked on this journey she was afraid. Afraid of what she might learn – not only concerning her real mother, but about herself.