chapter 5

Prior to leaving Spain Nicole arranged an appointment with the children’s service in Jersey for the day after her return. As she woke that morning it was all she could think about. It wasn’t as if she’d learn anything that day; the helpful lady on the phone had warned her it might take a few weeks. But it was the first, fateful step.

She picked up the phone.

‘Susie! Hi, it’s me.’

‘Hiya! Are you here?’

‘Yep, got in yesterday evening and was so bushed had an early night. Are you free for a coffee this morning? Sans enfants?’

Susie giggled. ‘Yes, I’ve got some “me” time today, thank goodness. Paul’s at school till three and Bettany’s at nursery today. Shall we say ten thirty, usual place?’

‘Great. Can’t wait. Bye.’

By ten Nicole was out of the door, striding towards the main shopping area of St Helier, a short walk from the apartment. Its central position was a deciding factor when her parents sought their pied à terre. The bright and airy apartment also possessed two bedrooms, giving Nicole her own space. She had been touched when her mother had said, ‘We want you to know that you can come and stay whenever you want. Even if we’re not here.’

At the time she was still with Tom and rarely visited Jersey, but now she envisaged coming over more often. A great chance to catch up with friends like Susie.

Nicole was the first to arrive at their favourite café near the Victorian indoor market. That part of town, minutes away from King Street and the big stores, boasted the small boutiques that became a big draw for the girls in their teens. Nicole looked forward to a trawl through the shops with Susie, whose forthright opinions made shopping a fun experience.

Susie breezed in and threw her arms around Nicole in the manner of a long lost sister. In a way that was what she was to Nicole who, laughing, begged Susie to let go so that she could breathe.

‘I had to make sure you were real and not a figment of my imagination. It’s been so long…’

‘I know, I know. And it’s my fault, should’ve been over ages ago. Forgive me?’

Susie, head tilted to one side, looked serious for a moment before a smile lifted the corners of her wide mouth and she laughed.

‘Of course! But boy, have we some catching up to do!’

Nicole grinned and after they had ordered their large café au lait studied her childhood friend for a moment. She hadn’t aged a bit, her round face was as smooth as ever and her blonde curly hair still spiralled out of control. Susie caught her eye and grinned.

‘I know what you’re thinking, I’m fatter than ever! The curse of having children!’ She shook her head. ‘And you’re still so slim. It’s not fair!’

‘You’re not really jealous. Your curves always got you more attention from the boys and helped you land that dishy husband of yours!’

‘True. Craig’s always said he liked having plenty to grab hold of. Still, wouldn’t mind losing a few pounds…’ She sighed and then, reaching out for Nicole’s hand murmured, ‘Has it been very bad?’

‘Well, it’s been better!’ Nicole pulled a face. ‘But in some ways it’s been a relief. I think, subconsciously, I knew Tom was still unfaithful but didn’t want to acknowledge it. ‘Cos then I’d need to deal with it and that would affect my job, my lifestyle. Pathetic, isn’t it? I let the bastard carry on cheating on me rather than face the truth and get on with my life.’

‘It’s not pathetic. You just needed to feel strong enough to break free and now you have. And that’s great! You never deserved to be treated like that and you know I never felt Tom was good enough for you.’

Nicole grinned. ‘Yes, you made that clear when you poured a glass of beer over him at Bettany’s christening! Just because he’d criticised that mini dress you’d talked me into buying.’

‘Well, he deserved it. Pompous ass! Fancy saying it made you look like a tart! Hope you’ve still got it?’

‘Oh, yes. And I might wear it for our girls night out at the weekend. See what effect it has on Jersey manhood!’

They laughed.

After a sip of her coffee Susie’s expression was more serious as she looked across at Nicole.

‘So, you want to trace your birth mother?’

‘Yes, it’s become a real quest for me. Something I simply have to do. I feel as if there’s a few pieces missing from the jigsaw of my life and without those pieces I can’t make the right decisions about the future. What I should be doing, who I was meant to be. Even though I’m aware there’s a risk…’

Susie nodded.

‘She could be an old hag you wouldn’t give the time of day to. Or she might be someone you’d be very proud to call mother. Knowing you as I do, I think it’s more likely to be the latter, don’t you?’

Nicole frowned.

‘But why should it? I know the argument about nature versus nurture and that bad blood will out etc. So who’s to say that my real mother isn’t a horrible person?’

‘Hmm, if she was that horrible why did she go through with the pregnancy? She could’ve skipped over to England for an abortion. Would’ve been a lot easier for her. Instead, she must’ve put her own life on hold for quite a while to give you a chance of life and a good home. That’s got to be in her favour, hasn’t it?’

Nicole’s face softened.

‘True, put like that I guess she did make it hard for herself. And I’ve always been grateful for my life – in spite of wayward husbands!’

‘There you are then! Anyway, I’ve got good vibes about it all. I could wish your mother lived in Jersey as it might encourage you to spend more time here. So we can relive our yoof!’ Susie chuckled.

‘Hey! We’re not that old! And whatever happens, Susie, I’ve decided that I must spend more time here and, with my parents now living in Spain, I can let my hair down!’

‘That’s my girl! Craig’s going to be doing a lot of babysitting while you’re here. Poor sod! Still, it’s about time. He has his nights out with the boys and I’ve not been out for what feels like forever.’

‘Believe it or not, but my social life has been pretty sporadic lately. Anyway, tell me how my gorgeous goddaughter is. And her handsome big brother, who must be, what – five?’

‘Yes, he is. Full time school now, doesn’t seem possible, does it? And Bettany’s three in a couple of months and I admit, in all modesty, is as beautiful as her mother,’ Susie replied with a simpering look, before dissolving into giggles.

By the time Susie had regaled Nicole with all the latest news re her offspring it was approaching midday. They dashed out for a quick shopping spree before grabbing a sandwich to eat outside, happy to enjoy the warm and sunny June weather. The brief spree had resulted in purchases for them both. Nicole, so much less tense than she’d been on waking, was shocked to realise the time.

‘Oh, my God! I need to get moving. My appointment’s in half an hour. Just as well La Chasse isn’t far.’

Grabbing her bags she kissed Susie goodbye, promising to phone later.

She made it to the children’s service with five minutes to spare and only a tad out of breath. The receptionist directed her to the office of Mrs Evelyn Lewis, just along the corridor.

A warm, motherly looking woman reached out to shake her hand.

‘Good afternoon, Nicole, please sit down. I gather that you’ve come back to Jersey specifically to pursue your search. Are your parents no longer on the island?’

‘They’ve a flat here but they live mostly in Spain now that Dad’s retired.’

‘Lucky things! A wise move after the summers we’ve just had.’ She frowned. ‘Do they know that you want to trace your birth mother?’

‘Oh, yes. In fact I’ve just been to see them and although I guess they’re a bit worried about the outcome, they’re very supportive. As they’ve always been. They told me I was adopted when I was five and it’s never been a problem. Until now.’

Mrs Lewis nodded. ‘I’m glad that you have their approval. It can be very hard on parents in this situation, particularly the mother. Do they have any natural children?’

‘No, they couldn’t have any.’

‘I see. Now, you said it hadn’t been a problem until now. What’s changed?’

Nicole cleared her throat, wishing she didn’t have to admit the truth to this stranger. ‘I…split up from my husband recently and it’s brought home to me that I need a sense of identity, of belonging. How I’ve become “me”, I guess. I’ve thought about it over the years, particularly since my, er, marriage started going pear-shaped. Perhaps if I found and met my natural mother, I’d be able to understand myself better. If that makes sense?’

‘Yes, it does. But I’m sorry to hear about your marriage. No chance of a reconciliation?’

‘Well, it’s only a trial separation but there are…problems.’ Nicole pulled a face, feeling her shoulders tightening.

‘I see. Don’t worry, it doesn’t affect our decision with regard to your receiving information about your birth mother. We do like to understand why someone wants to trace their natural parents in case there are issues involved. For example, what are your feelings towards your birth mother?’

Nicole pursed her lips. ‘To be honest, I’m not really sure. I feel upset that she felt able to give me away, but on the other hand my adoptive parents made me feel loved and took great care of me. In some ways I was spoilt, certainly materially.’ She leaned forward and went on, ‘I want to know why she gave me away. What happened in her life to make her do such a terrible thing. Terrible for her, I mean, not me,’ she added, seeing Mrs Lewis’s raised eyebrows. ‘My parents always stressed how special I was, that they had chosen me.’

‘Good. It sounds like your parents handled the adoption well. As did you. But have you thought about the impact on your birth mother if you now turn up?’

‘Yes, a bit. I realise she may be married with children and not want them to learn about me. I wouldn’t just barge in! She might not want to meet me and that would hurt, I admit. But I need to try, don’t I?’ Nicole, feeling her shoulders rise even higher, appealed to Mrs Lewis, who smiled encouragingly.

‘Well, it’s certainly your right to try and meet her. I see no reason to refuse your request for information, based on what you’ve told me. Now, what, if anything, do you know about your adoption?’

‘I understand that my mother was from Guernsey and a teacher at the time I was born.’

‘I see. Well, the file should hold more information but we are restricted in what we can tell you. If, for example, your mother specifically asked not to be contacted by you then we have to honour her wishes. But this does not mean that you cannot be given a copy of your birth certificate, showing her name etc. In England adoptees have more rights than here, I’m afraid.’ Seeing Nicole’s face drop, she quickly added, ‘Don’t worry, we’ll help you as much as we can. Now, let’s sort out the paperwork shall we? Have you brought your ID?’

With the formalities completed, Mrs Lewis arranged that she would contact Nicole as soon as the birth certificate was available. In the meantime she would also request access to her adoption file.

‘This should all be through within a couple of weeks. I look forward to seeing you again soon.’

Mrs Lewis smiled warmly as they shook hands.

Once she was outside in the street, Nicole took a deep breath, finally letting her shoulders relax. Mm, not sure if that was good or bad. Seems a lot depends on whether or not my mother is dead against meeting me. As she set off towards the nearest café, she felt haunted by the fear of rejection. Again.