chapter 6

 

The mad and enjoyable night out with the girls was just what Nicole needed. The sexy mini-dress was indeed much appreciated by the Jersey men hovering around the group in Liquid Envy and Nicole was never short of a dance partner. But, in spite of her avowed intention to test the waters, man-wise, she was not serious. Much as she enjoyed flirting and being flirted with, in her heart she was still hurting. As she remarked to Susie, ‘I’m not ready to trust any man as far as I can throw him. A spin round the dance floor is the most they’ll get from me!’

 

Nicole and Susie made the most of the summer days and headed to the beach to make sandcastles with Bettany while Paul was at school. As Nicole helped the little girl to search for shells to decorate their castle she felt a rush of warmth flow through her. Oh, my God! I can’t be getting all maternal, can I? Always so focussed on her upwardly- mobile career, she had given little thought to having a family. And Tom made no secret of his wish to delay fatherhood as long as possible. So why now, she mused, gazing at the cherubic face framed by blonde curls. Bettany was adorable, she acknowledged, very easy to love with her spontaneous hugs and kisses. But would she really want a child of her own –now? Not exactly great timing when she was as good as single. She sighed, shaking her head.

‘Anything the matter?’ Susie asked from her supine position on the beach towel.

Nicole gave a short laugh. ‘Only that I seem to have discovered my latent maternal feelings!’

Susie sat up, her mouth open.

‘Well, what a turn up for the book! Thought you didn’t want kids?’

‘No, I didn’t, or at least not till later on. But I’m thirty-five now – ’

‘And the clock’s ticking louder than ever! But what’s brought this on so suddenly?’

Before Nicole could answer, Bettany called her.

‘Look, Aunty Nickle, aren’t they pretty?’ She held out a variety of pearlescent tiny shells.

As Susie watched the two heads bent together she let out a throaty laugh.

Nicole looked up and as their eyes connected she knew her friend had sussed her out.

‘You’re in love! With my daughter! You’ve finally felt that little arrow in your heart, haven’t you?’

‘Okay, okay, I admit it. I can now see how fulfilling having a child might be. Especially if she’s as cute as this little scamp here,’ she laughed, grabbing Bettany for a mock fight.

The child squealed as Nicole tickled her and Susie joined in, so that soon they were all rolling around, laughing, on the sand.

Later, as they were driving back, Bettany fast asleep in her car seat, Susie looked across at Nicole and said, ‘Don’t you think it’s somehow significant that you’ve discovered your maternal feelings just as you might be meeting your real mother?’

Nicole, lost in thought, turned towards her friend.

‘It has occurred to me. But at the moment I don’t know if I will be meeting my mother. And, without a man, my chances of motherhood are, to put it mildly, non-existent!’ She frowned.

‘Hey, don’t be so negative! I’m sure your mother will want to meet you and you’ve got plenty of time to meet Mr Right, or, at least, Mr Nearly Right. Didn’t take you long to hitch up with Tom did it?’

Nicole thought back to those heady days when she and Tom were so much in love that they lit up any room they entered. Oh, what happened? What went wrong? Was it her or was Tom just incapable of being faithful? Maudlin tears pricked at her eyes and she brushed them away, hoping Susie hadn’t seen them. But she had.

‘Oh, Nicole! Do you still love him?’

‘I…I don’t know. Guess so. I’m so angry with him and hate what he’s done but…’

‘I understand. It’s hard to stop loving someone just ’cos they’re a bastard! Not that Craig’s a bastard – but I have loved one or two in the past,’ she added hastily, seeing Nicole’s shock.

‘Would you consider going back to Tom?’

‘I don’t think so, but I’m not as sure now as I was.’

‘You wouldn’t go back just to have a baby, surely?’ Susie cried.

Nicole shook her head. ‘Of course not. I’m not that desperate for a child! But I am confused.’ Her sigh was so heartfelt that Susie reached over and touched her arm.

‘It’s okay. You’ve got loads to think about just now. It will sort itself out in the end. Auntie Susie says so!’

Nicole smiled at her friend, wanting to believe her. But knowing it wasn’t that simple.

 

‘Nicole, good to see you again,’ Mrs Lewis greeted her as she returned to the office two weeks later. ‘Been enjoying the fine weather?’

‘Yes, thanks. I’d almost forgotten what great beaches Jersey has.’

Mrs Lewis nodded her agreement as she opened her file. ‘Good. Now, here’s your birth certificate as promised.’

As Nicole picked up the crisp, new copy with trembling hands, she saw her mother’s name for the first time – an odd experience for a thirty-five year old. Hélène Ferbrache. Very Guernsey. The birth had been registered by hospital staff and there were no further details. Her heart sank.

She looked up to see that Mrs Lewis was smiling.

‘You’re in luck. Your mother wrote to us in 1997 to say that if you were to try and trace her she’d be happy for you to make contact – ’

‘Oh, that’s brilliant! I…I can’t believe that I’m hearing this. Can I see the letter?’

Mrs Lewis pushed it across the desk and Nicole scanned it quickly. Headed with a St Peter Port address, and written in beautifully neat handwriting, it went on… ‘I wish to make it known that if my daughter now wishes to make contact then I am happy for her to do so. If I am no longer at the above address then a letter can be sent to me, marked Private & Confidential, c/o my parents Mr & Mrs R Ferbrache…’

Her mind raced. Not only did her mother want to meet her, there was a good chance she was still in Guernsey. So she hadn’t emigrated! And she had grandparents, or at least she had ten years ago. She examined the letter more closely, wondering if the handwriting would tell her more about this “Hélène Ferbrache”, her mother. But she couldn’t decipher anything other than that her writing was as neat as it should be for a teacher.

Looking up she caught Mrs Lewis gazing at her in obvious delight.

‘It looks like I’ve just made your day!’

‘You sure have, thanks. Right, I’d better get a letter off asap. May I keep this letter?’

‘I’ll copy it as we need the original on file. Data Protection and all that.’

Nicole waited impatiently as Mrs Lewis went off to use the photocopier and after she had returned, shook hands before dashing off to meet Susie for lunch.

 

A couple of hours later Nicole and Susie bid farewell to each other outside “Blue Fish” after a convivial lunch; Susie to pick up her children and Nicole to compose a Very Important Letter under the influence of a couple of glasses of wine. To my mother! Wow! This feels so weird. As she walked back to the apartment she was struck by the irony of the situation. She was going to write to the woman who’d given birth to her in the home owned by the two people who’d raised her as their own!

After a strong coffee she made a start. But how to address her? Dear Mother? Oh, no, not that. Dear Mrs Ferbrache? Too formal. In the end she settled for Dear Hélène. Right, what next? Nicole made rough drafts, struggling to find the right words. What did you say to the mother you hadn’t seen since birth? Several attempts later she settled on the final version –

Dear Hélène,

My name is Nicole Oxford and I was given your name and address by the Jersey Social Services. I’m the baby you gave up for adoption in 1972 and, if you were in agreement, I’d like to meet you. Although I moved to England some years ago, I’m in Jersey at the moment and would be happy to come over to Guernsey if that’s easier for you.

You can write to me at the above address or phone me on 01534 180260.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Best wishes

Nicole.

 

After posting the letter she took a deep breath before phoning Spain.

 

A few days later she received a letter from Guernsey. But she knew something was wrong as it was from the Guernsey Post Office and inside the envelope was her letter, marked “Return to sender, no longer at this address.”