chapter 8

Hélène twisted a turquoise ring on her right hand as she considered the question.

‘His name’s Adrian and he was another teacher at the school so we were thrown together quite a lot and became…friends. We spent hours just chatting in the staff room when we had free periods, finding we had so much in common.’ Hélène seemed to drift off somewhere before gathering herself and taking a sip of wine.

‘I fell in love with him. And Adrian said he loved me but…’ She faced her daughter.

‘He was married, you see. He’d married young, only twenty-four, but his…his wife was pregnant with their daughter and he had to marry her. She was a Catholic and although Adrian wasn’t, that’s what you did if you were “caught”.’ Her face tightened, the frown lines etched even deeper into her forehead.

Nicole watched the emotions chase across Hélène’s face. Hurt, anger…love? She felt a pang of pity for her until she remembered her own situation. Tom had cheated on her and could have fathered a child by another woman. The thought triggered the familiar ache in her solar plexus and she wanted to lash out.

‘My husband’s been cheating on me and it’s been bloody painful! I’ve felt totally betrayed. It’s not a nice thing to do, sleep with another woman’s husband.’ Her voice was icy cold.

Hélène gasped, moving back in her seat as if to ward off a blow.

‘I’m so sorry about your husband. You’re right, it’s not a nice thing to do, to be the “other woman”. I never set out to have an affair with a married man, I can assure you. I tried hard not to fall in love with Adrian. But we got on so well and it was common knowledge that his marriage wasn’t happy. His wife hardly ever went anywhere with him and on the odd occasion I met them together she seemed a cold sort of woman who put him down.’

Nicole felt her anger subside a little. But she needed to know more.

‘So, what happened between you and Adrian?’ Her tone only slightly warmer.

Hélène breathed a deep sigh.

‘We became close but had to meet in secret, at my place. Guernsey’s too small and we were too well known to risk going out in public. I know it was wrong of me, us, but we needed to be together, if only for snatched moments. But it wasn’t much fun knowing I couldn’t see him for birthdays and Christmas or go away on holiday together. It was like living a half-life.’ She stopped to take another sip of wine and asked, ‘Look, would you mind if we had something to eat? I was too nervous to have any breakfast.’

‘So was I!’

They ordered a selection of mezethes together with more wine and a jug of water.

For a few moments they ate in silence, both deep in thought. Nicole’s mind was filled with images of Hélène and this faceless man, Adrian, her father, drawn together but not together.

‘Is my…father still alive?’

Hélène looked surprised. ‘Yes, of course he is. Why wouldn’t he be?’

‘Oh, I just wondered. Only he seemed to be in your past, not your present.’ Nicole felt relief surge through her. If he was alive then she might meet him too!

‘I see. We stopped being lovers after I found I was pregnant with you. I’d hoped he would leave his wife and marry me but he wouldn’t, couldn’t. She would never have agreed to a divorce and Adrian didn’t feel he could continue teaching here if we were living in sin.’ She gave a hollow laugh. ‘He was very ambitious, wanted to become a headmaster, which he did some years later. But he had to avoid scandal at all costs. Or so he said.’

She looked Nicole squarely in the eye.

‘You have to understand that Guernsey was a very judgmental society. Still is, a bit. Hypocritical too, as lots of people have found to their cost. For us to be together, with you, would have meant leaving the island. And he wouldn’t do that. It would’ve meant not seeing his children.’ She gulped some wine

‘Children? How many did he have?’ Nicole’s heart thumped. She was also his child!

‘Two, a boy and a girl. After the boy was born, Adrian told me that they never… slept together again. His wife didn’t want more children and as a Catholic…’

‘Mm. Does my father know what happened to…to me?’

Hélène reached out to hold her hand.

‘Yes, of course. At least he knew I was going to have my baby adopted. He wasn’t a bad man, Nicole. He just wasn’t brave enough to lose everything he’d achieved. I gave in my notice at school and went over to Jersey before I began to show. I stayed with a distant cousin until the birth and then returned here and got a job in another school. A girl’s school with no young male teachers!’

‘You…you never considered keeping me?’ Nicole stammered. She was surprised by her feelings of rejection – odd, after all these years.

Hélène’s face went white.

‘I…I didn’t feel I had much choice. It would have meant giving up being a teacher here, making it difficult for me to support us both. And I couldn’t leave Guernsey as it meant deserting my parents.’ She looked down at her hands and again twisted her ring. As she lifted her head, Nicole saw the tears in her eyes and had to force herself not to soften.

‘I can see now that I was just as much a coward as Adrian. But I’d never considered myself as maternal. Teaching other people’s unruly children can be off-putting.’ Her mouth twisted. ‘But when I first saw you, held you in my arms, I felt such a rush of love for you I was overwhelmed. I’d never experienced anything like it! It was so powerful that I nearly changed my mind about letting you go.’ Tears were now streaming down her face and she wiped at her face to stop them.

‘What…what stopped you?’

‘I realised that I’d still have to face the challenge of what to do, where to go. And I knew there was a young couple desperate for a child, waiting for you. Waiting and willing to give you all that I couldn’t. The love and care of a mother and a father.’