chapter 17

Finding her way into St Peter Port had been easy; it was so well sign-posted that Nicole had not needed to refer to Perrys. However, having passed so many lanes and roads branching off the main road to St Martins she could see how useful it would be. Assuming she was to stay awhile.

Approaching St Peter Port down the steep Le Val de Terres, Nicole only partly registered the view over the harbour and out towards the neighbouring islands of Herm and Sark. Her mind was filled with so many conflicting thoughts about the meeting with Adrian, that she even contemplated chickening out. So sure she would hate him on sight it didn’t seem worth the bother. Only the reminder that he was her father, holding the final piece of the jigsaw that was her DNA, persuaded her to see it through.

Years ago she had sailed with friends from Jersey and remembered the car park at the Albert Pier, bordering the visitor’s marina. From there it was a short walk to the Dix Neuf Brasserie where she was due to meet Adrian. She vaguely recalled it was one of the watering holes on Susie’s hen weekend.

As she walked past the Town church her heart was beating fast and she felt hot and sticky. After stopping for a moment to calm her breathing, she headed for the entrance. Hélène had told her to look out for a tall man, with thick greying hair, brown eyes and wearing a blue short-sleeved shirt.

As her gaze swept over the room a man who could only be Adrian stood up and advanced towards her.

‘Nicole?’

‘Yes. Hello, er, Adrian.’ Her heart was still beating too fast for comfort but, as Adrian shook her hand, she guessed, from his own clammy hand, that he was just as nervous. He smiled tentatively before ushering her towards his table and pulling out a chair.

She had a moment to study him before a waitress came to take their order for two café lattes. He looks younger than I’d expected. And his face looks a bit familiar…

‘You’ve got your mother’s eyes. I would have known you even without Hélène’s description.’ One of Adrian’s eyes twitched and Nicole found herself gazing at it. He’s not finding this any easier than I am. Good! He continued. ‘It was quite a shock talking to Hélène yesterday. After all this time…’

‘It’s been strange for me too. I only met Hélène and her mother a couple of weeks ago and now…now you. I’m not sure where we start.’

The waitress arrived with their coffees and as she left Adrian said, ‘I owe you both an apology and an explanation, Nicole. As I do your mother.’ The twitch speeded up.

Nicole sipped her coffee as she waited for him to continue. She didn’t see why she should make it easy for him.

‘I realise how selfish and cowardly I was when…when Hélène told me she was pregnant. I could only think about myself and my career.’ He gazed at his coffee, as if unable to look at her. Slowly he raised his eyes and she saw the genuine sorrow reflected there. Mm, good.

‘I couldn’t face the resulting scandal if I’d left my wife and lived with Hélène. If I could have got a divorce it would’ve been different, I assure you.’

His eyes locked onto Nicole’s, and she wondered if he saw the challenge within them. Her challenge to be honest at last.

‘I loved your mother with all my heart. Carol and I…had grown apart even before I met Hélène and I no longer loved her.’ He sighed. ‘She said she still loved me but behaved as if she didn’t. She…she did find out about Hélène, but not about you.’

‘Your…your wife must have realised that you didn’t love her anymore. Didn’t she want to separate? To start a new life for herself?’

He shook his head.

‘No, she wouldn’t consider it. When I brought up the idea of living apart she became very angry; hating to be seen as a failure. And, to be honest, so did I. But I would have gladly separated if she’d consented. She threatened to make it difficult for me if I left her and I knew she could.’ He sipped his coffee. ‘Her father was a Deputy involved with the Education Department and could have made it impossible for me to work here as a teacher.’

He looked down at his hands cradling the coffee before lifting his eyes to face her. She kept her gaze impassive, but her emotions churned away inside. He was still making excuses…

‘I’ve made a mess of things and I can only say how sorry I am. I’d understand if you wanted nothing more to do with me.’

Nicole wasn’t sure what she felt. On the one hand, she thought that to his credit, Adrian had owned up to his failings but on the other he’d caused heartbreak to Hélène who’d lost both him and her only child. Although she’d expected to hate him, it hadn’t worked out that way. He was an ordinary guy who had behaved badly, but he was no monster. Didn’t stop her feeling angry with him though…

‘I don’t think I can spend time with you, getting to know each other better, unless you make some sort of amends to Hélène.’ Keeping her eyes locked onto his – one still twitching – she asked, ‘Do you still love her?’

His eyebrows rose in surprise.

‘I…I don’t know. Perhaps. It’s been so long, we’ll both have changed… But I have thought about her a lot and wished that we could be…friends again.’

‘So, how about you ask her to meet up with you and take it from there? Apologise properly.’ Huh, here’s me acting like a Relate counsellor and I can’t even sort out my own marriage problems. Ironic, she knew, but she really wanted to help Hélène, if she could. She was amazed at her temerity. But it seemed to have the right effect as Adrian agreed.

He gave her a hesitant smile.

‘If I make my peace with your mother, will you let me see you again?’

‘Possibly. I’ll think about it. And you can’t take too long to kiss and make up as I might decide to head back to England. Or wherever.’

They stood up, shook hands and said their goodbyes. Nicole genuinely wasn’t sure if she wanted to see Adrian again and as she walked back to her car she wondered if Hélène would want to. Mm, wonder if I’ve gone too far?

 

***

Hélène was making a cup of tea as Nicole entered the kitchen. She looked up, searching for clues in Nicole’s face. But she was giving nothing away.

‘How did it go?’

‘Okay, I guess. We didn’t talk for long but I did give him a chance to…well, make amends. But it does involve you so – ’

‘Me? Why should your getting to know Adrian involve me?’ Hélène gripped the mug tightly as Nicole repeated what she had said to Adrian. Anger started to burn slowly through her and her face must have registered her feelings as Nicole continued, ‘Look, I’m sorry if I’ve been out of line here. If you don’t want to see Adrian then please just say no. I was just trying to help.’

Hélène fought hard to keep her temper, she knew Nicole thought she was helping but…

‘I don’t want you interfering between us. I found it hard enough to talk to the man and have no intention of seeing him. None at all.’

Nicole looked shocked. ‘Oh, I’m sorry, the last thing I wanted was to upset you. Let’s forget it. It means I can’t see him again as I made it conditional on his apologising to you, but…’ She shrugged and left the kitchen, letting the door slam shut.

Hélène was left feeling drained and slumped down on her chair. Nicole shouldn’t have made that deal with Adrian without checking with me first. And now she’s upset with me and she’s only just arrived! She held her head in her hands wondering if they could work it out or if Nicole would be booking a flight home. What a mess!

 

***

Nicole, feeling upset by Hélène’s reaction, and not trusting herself to add further flames to the fire, dashed upstairs to grab her bikini and a towel before driving off. The beach beckoned.

She steered the car west until she hit the coast road and followed it around, eventually spotting a stretch of golden sand encircling a large bay. According to her Perrys it was Vazon Bay and looked wonderful. Nicole pulled onto the stony parking area, grabbed her bag and negotiated the steps almost hidden in the granite sea wall. Massed bodies stretched out on the fine sand made it hard to see a free spot, but after walking along the beach she discovered a small patch sheltered by the wall.

As she stretched out she replayed what had happened between her and Hélène. The sun’s warmth and the sound of softly lapping waves on the shore helped her to calm down and be more objective. Mm, Hélène does have a point, I guess. I presumed she’d want to see Adrian even though she’d made it clear she was still angry with him. I should have checked with her first. Oh, I’m an idiot! I’ve scuppered my chance of seeing Adrian again even though I’m not that bothered at the moment. But if they were to make up then maybe I’d want to get to know him. The unsettling thoughts continued to tumble around in her head until, at last, the heat and sea air lulled her into a welcome doze.

Languidly stretching her limbs as consciousness returned, she realised she was hungry and walked up to the kiosk for a sandwich and coffee. Refreshed, she decided on a quick swim and ran down to the sea. Being low tide it was quite a dash to the water’s edge, where she found laughing groups of children and adults either paddling or splashing about. The water struck particularly cold after lying in the sun and she had to force herself to go in deeper before breaking into a strong crawl. After an invigorating swim she emerged feeling ready to move on. Sidestepping children building sandcastles and the recumbent bodies slowly turning red in the sun, Nicole made her way up the beach to change.

Back in the car she considered what to do. Her mind was still full of the events of the past two days and she didn’t want to return to La Folie. Getting out the map she decided to circumnavigate the coast before going home. That should give me time to sort myself out! As she drove north the bays and beaches she passed reminded her of those in Jersey, a bittersweet reflection, making her feel homesick. Vazon Bay itself she’d thought very like Jersey’s St Ouens.

As a daughter of both islands Nicole felt torn with her loyalty. Added to which she had spent all her adult life in England. She smiled at the thought of her mixed- up background while noting the similarities as well as the differences between the islands. Jersey was the larger, at nine miles by five, with Guernsey a modest seven miles by five. The crapauds of Jersey naturally considered it to be the more bustling and sophisticated of the two. But Nicole conceded that, from what she’d seen, Guernsey was beautiful, with its own unique charm. Spying another sandy bay she pulled in briefly to admire it from her car. Checking her map she saw it was Cobo Bay and reminded her of Jersey’s Anne Port, the sandy beach strewn with extensive rocks near the sea-shore.

As her gaze swept around the beach and back towards the car park, she thought she saw Ben sitting in a car further along. While she debated whether or not to approach him, the engine was started and the car driven past her. It was Ben. Her stomach flipped at the memory of their first – and only – meeting. She could recall the tingling sensation as their hands touched as if it had just happened. Had it been her own too-vivid imagination or had something special occurred between them? Feeling she must be losing the plot, she started the car and continued north.

Her drive continued at the sedate speed limit of 35mph enabling her to drink in the stunning views as she mulled over what she’d say to Hélène on her return. By the time she hit the road leading from the bustling St Sampson’s Harbour into St Peter Port, she had decided that she had to apologise. Then it would be up to Hélène.

Driving slowly as the traffic built up, Nicole could see the islands of Herm and Sark basking in the sun. They seemed to be beckoning her as she sat in a line of barely moving vehicles. She’d been to Sark as a girl and had loved cycling the dusty lanes of the car-free island. But she’d never visited the even tinier island of Herm and vowed to go before leaving Guernsey. Which might be soon if she and Hélène didn’t make up.

Driving past St Peter Port’s main marina, the QEII, Nicole took in the racy yachts and gin palaces bobbing gently at their moorings. The hands on the nearby clock tower pointed to five o’clock as she negotiated the lanes of traffic towards the Le Val de Terres.

 

 

Half an hour later Nicole pulled up at La Folie. Right, abject apology coming up. Heading off to the kitchen, she found it empty so put the kettle on to make a much needed cup of tea. She had just taken her first sip when Hélène walked in, looking red-eyed.

‘Thought I heard your car. Look, Nicole I – ’

‘I was completely in the wrong. You had every right to be annoyed with me for assuming you’d be happy to see Adrian. I should have checked with you first. I am so, so sorry.’ Nicole bit her lips as she waited for her mother’s reaction.

Hélène’s face brightened. ‘Why, thank you. That’s what I felt and why I was upset. I didn’t want you making such a big decision for me. Shall we call a truce?’ She reached out for a hug and Nicole moved into her arms.

Her mother then made herself a cup of tea and sat down at the table.

‘So, where does this leave us with regard to Adrian? Do you still mean not to see him again if he and I don’t meet?’

Nicole frowned. It was an impasse.

‘I honestly don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it while driving around and can’t see an easy solution. I respect your feelings and don’t want to upset you further, which could happen if I formed a relationship with him. But at the moment I’m not sure if I actually want that. He hasn’t behaved very well has he?’ She looked across at Hélène, who was staring into her tea as if it held the answer.

‘The thing is, I still feel Adrian owes you big time, and I got the impression that he still has feelings for you. He admitted that he’s often thought about you over the years and seems to regret what happened.’ Nicole took a sip of tea before adding, ‘I think he’s been unhappy for years.’ Nicole wondered if she’d blown it.

Hélène looked up, smiling half-heartedly.

‘You don’t give up, do you? I think you’ve inherited the family stubbornness!’ She drank her tea before adding, ‘Well, perhaps I could meet him. Just the once, mind. So that he can show me how truly sorry he really is. Would that satisfy you?’

Nicole nodded. ‘Thanks. Let’s see how it goes and I might then reconsider seeing him again myself.’