chapter 19

‘Well, did you phone him?’ Nicole asked Hélène, returning to the kitchen.

‘Mm, yes. He wants to meet for lunch tomorrow.’ Hélène was reading the Guernsey Press, a glass of wine by her side. She offered Nicole a glass and after accepting, she joined her at the table.

‘That’s great! I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed.’ She looked at Hélène, who seemed a little pink in the face.

‘Does…does your mother know who my father is?’

Hélène looked sheepish.

‘No, I don’t think so. Though she guessed he was married.’

‘Will you tell her after you’ve met? Otherwise I don’t know what to say if she asks me.’

Hélène's mouth twisted.

‘I’ll have to, then. Whatever happens tomorrow, although you heard what she thinks about married men…’

‘Yes, but he isn’t married now, is he? I think she’ll be more forgiving of him now. That is, if you two were to –’

‘Nicole! We haven’t even met yet! I’m still hurt and angry over the way he behaved. And the way I feel at the moment there’s absolutely no chance of us becoming friends, let alone anything else.’ She took a gulp of wine, looking annoyed. ‘You’re trying to match-make us, aren’t you?’

‘Not exactly,’ Nicole replied, crossing her fingers under the table. ‘I’d feel happier if you two could be friends. So I don’t feel like the piggy in the middle, that’s all.’ That bit at least was true, she thought.

Hélène studied her for a minute before saying, gently, ‘And what about you? Do you want to be “friends” again with Tom? Or possibly more?’

Nicole sipped her wine as she searched her heart for an answer.

‘My instinct is to say yes, I’d like us to be friends but no, I don’t think I want to be married to him anymore. We had some great times – brilliant even – but the hurt…’ She found herself unable to stop the tears and this time it was Hélène who came round and hugged her.

‘It’s all right, my dear. Just let it out.’

Nicole allowed the tears to flow. It felt good to be hugged by this woman who had also suffered. Men, bloody men! Why do we bother with them? She let herself be wrapped in her mother’s arms. Unbidden, Ben’s image popped into her head, making her feel even worse.

 

***

The next morning dawned bright and sunny and Hélène made a special effort with her appearance. Firstly, the clothes had to be right, she thought, searching through her limited wardrobe. She decided on a short-sleeved, pale green silk blouse partnered with a knee length skirt in swirling shades of blues and greens. Slipping on a slim dark green belt, she admired the result in the mirror. Mm, not bad, these colours always suited me. She’d washed and blow-dried her hair into a different style, framing her carefully made-up face. Examining her wrinkles and lines, she wished she’d paid more attention to skin care over the years. She would have liked to look more youthful but it was too late. Trying not to think why it suddenly seemed to matter, Hélène slipped on her sandals and ran down to the kitchen.

 

***

‘Wow! You look nice! What a lovely outfit and you’ve done something with your hair. Suits you.’ Nicole smiled.

‘Thank you. I thought I’d better make an effort. I’ve always believed if you look your best you can deal with any situation.’

Nicole nodded, getting up from the table to make Hélène a cup of tea. ‘Too right. I always made a particular effort when I was nervous. Especially if I was interviewing a celebrity with an inflated ego,’ she laughed.

Hélène sipped her tea and gazed at Nicole. ‘I can’t imagine you ever being nervous about anyone or anything. You seem so confident and self-assured.’

‘Most of the time I am, but I’ve had to work at it. It was the only way to survive in the media environment.’ Nicole thought back to the early days as a journalist and how often she’d nearly ended up in tears after being ignored or criticised. It had taught her that she needed to seem as good as anyone else even if she didn’t always feel it. Pulling herself back, she asked, ‘So, where are you going for lunch?’

‘The Auberge at Jerbourg in St Martins. It’s perched on the cliff with fantastic views over the islands. Haven’t been there for ages but I believe it’s very popular.’

‘Well, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it. What do you want me to do while you’re out?’

‘All you need to do is check on Mother after I’ve left and then get her up for lunch when she’s ready. There’s plenty of salad ingredients in the fridge. I shouldn’t be too long. We’re meeting at 12.30 and I expect to be back by 2.30 at the latest. Or even earlier if it goes badly – ’

‘Hey, I’m sure it’ll be fine. And don’t worry about rushing back, I’ve no plans and can happily look after Grandmother for a few hours.’

Hélène nodded and went off to get Eve ready leaving Nicole to clear away. She had time for a quick walk before Hélène left so she went through the garden to the cliff path. This time she turned left towards St Peter Port although she knew she wouldn’t get far that morning. Her mind was pre-occupied with thoughts of the coming meeting of her parents and how it would pan out. Acknowledging it was odd that she cared more about her parents becoming close again than she did about her own relationship problems, she pulled absent-mindedly at the heather. Now it wasn’t just Tom she had to ponder over but also Ben. Even the thought of him made her heart beat faster and Nicole again wondered what had really happened between them. It had seemed so electric, so mutual…Would she ever understand men? The thought prompted a kick against some loose stones, sending them over the cliff.

 

 

Eve was lying on her day bed and stirred as the door opened.

‘Hello, Grandmother, hope I didn’t wake you?’

Eve pulled herself up. ‘No, you didn’t. Can you help me into that darned wheelchair please? If you take me through to my sitting room, perhaps we could have lunch on the terrace when it’s ready.’

Once she was settled in her usual spot by the window, Nicole went off to prepare lunch. Eve gazed out of the open window breathing in the welcome fresh air. She wondered where her daughter had gone; it was unlike her to go out for lunch. Hélène didn’t seem to have many friends but perhaps now, with Nicole here, she felt she could go out. Eve was aware that her insistence on staying in the house had restricted Hélène’s life enormously. During term-time the cleaner came in every morning while Hélène was at work, but that was their only support. Eve hadn’t wanted nurses or carers popping in at regular intervals, she valued her privacy too much. Perhaps I’ve been too selfish. I’ll have to talk with Hélène and see what can be changed. She looked so pretty today, as if she were meeting someone special. I wonder if it’s anything to do with Nicole’s father? Oh, no-one tells me anything!

For a moment she felt annoyed about not being kept informed but she was brought up short by the knowledge that she’d withheld much more important information from her daughter. And her granddaughter. She was considering this when Nicole came in to wheel her outside for lunch.

 

***

Hélène parked her car at The Auberge, deliberately arriving ten minutes late. Usually a very punctual person, she didn’t want to look too keen and be the first one there. She glanced briefly at the view, noting how clear the islands of Herm and Sark were today. It all looked so serene and she wished she felt the same. As she turned and walked towards the terrace she spotted Adrian, standing up and waving. Taking a deep, calming breath she joined him at the table laid for two.

‘Hélène! I was worried you weren’t coming, that you’d changed your mind. I’m so glad to see you. And you haven’t changed a bit!’ He smiled tentatively, leaning forward to brush her cheek.

Sitting down, she studied him. His face showed signs of tension, his eyes wary and his lips tightly compressed. But physically he looked in good shape. ‘You look well, Adrian. Grey hair suits you, makes you look distinguished.’ She meant it. But she still wished she didn’t have to be here with him.

‘Thank you. Would…would you like a drink before we order? How about a bottle of Pinot Grigio, that was your favourite, wasn’t it?’

Mm, he’d remembered… ‘Yes, thank you.’

As they waited for the wine they made a point of studying their menus. Hélène saw him shifting in his chair.

The waitress brought the chilled wine and Adrian asked Hélène to taste it.

‘Santé!’ Adrian raised his glass.

‘Santé!

They touched glasses before sipping the golden wine. As it coursed through her, Hélène felt the knots in her stomach easing. Peering at Adrian over the rim of her glass, she noted that his mouth had softened a little. With a slight shock she realised she hadn’t eaten out with a man for years; not since that pompous and boring accountant who droned on about how successful he was. And now here she was, being wined and dined by Adrian, a luxury denied her during their relationship as they had to be circumspect. Her mouth twisted at the memory of those furtive, illicit meetings and the pain they’d brought…

Dragging herself back she focused once more on the menu. The choice looked wonderful and in the end she chose scallops to start, followed by monkfish. Might as well enjoy the food at least.

‘I’ve chosen. How about you?’

‘Mm, think I’ll start with the crab cake and then have the plaice.’

Adrian gave the hovering waitress the order before facing her. She saw his eye twitch. Mm, he’s not as sure of himself as he used to be, is he? And he a headmaster!

‘Hélène, you can’t know how pleased I am to see you again. I realise it’s all my fault, should have been in touch years ago. I…I took the coward’s way out. But I want you to know how much I’ve regretted what I did.’

She noticed the genuine sadness in his eyes but steeled herself to remain quiet.

‘Meeting Nicole, that lovely young woman we created, has made me realise not only what a fool I’ve been but what you must have gone through over the years.’ He paused, taking a sip of wine before asking, ‘Do you think you could ever forgive me?’

Hélène sipped her wine while she let his words sink in. At last! He’s said he’s sorry. She met his gaze, saw the pleading in his eyes and was just about to reply when the waitress bustled up with their starters.

Once she’d left, Adrian’s question still hung heavy in the air between them.

‘I…I don’t know. Your…selfishness cost me my…my baby. My only child. You don’t recover from such a loss over a plate of scallops!’ She was surprised at her own vehemence and saw Adrian wince and pull back. Tears pricked behind her eyes and she reached for a tissue, determined not to break down in front of him. Not easy.

Adrian, his face contorted with what looked to her like guilt, said, ‘You’re right. Absolutely right. I can’t expect you to forgive me. Not after what I put you through. I’ve no excuse, no redeeming reason for not sticking by you. I was a bloody idiot and I could only wish I could turn the clock back. But I can’t.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘I can only say sorry for the pain I’ve caused you.’

Hélène toyed with a scallop.

‘So why didn’t you get in touch after…after Carol died?’

‘Because you said you never wanted to see me again when you told me about the baby. I thought you’d move on, meet someone and…and marry.’ He took a gulp of wine. ‘I’d convinced myself that you were happy with another man and that the last person you’d want to hear from was me.’

‘You could have tried to find out if you were right!’ She felt the anger welling up again and fought hard to push it down. No way did she want to be the focus of a scene in full glare of the other diners. Coming here was a mistake…She started to stand but Adrian reached over and grabbed her arm.

‘Please, Hélène, don’t go! After all this time apart, can’t we try and salvage what we had? That wonderful love we shared that made us laugh till we cried. The times when we lost track of time as we talked and talked. And made love.’ His voice dropped to a croaked whisper; he still clung onto her arm.

She felt as if her heart and mind had been hijacked. Images of the treasured past filled her head and she too wished that the clock could be turned back. If only…

‘Just…just give me a minute to go to the Ladies. I’ll come back, I promise.’

She left him looking as if he didn’t believe her, but she wouldn’t walk away. Not yet.

Re-emerging a few minutes later, her make-up repaired, she walked briskly to their table and sat down.

He looked at her with such sorrow and guilt in his eyes that Hélène felt her heart soften. Just a little. In spite of all the pain this man had caused her, she felt the stirrings of that old love flicker into life within her being. The love that had given her a beautiful daughter, who she was determined not to lose again.

‘I…I’ll try to forgive you, Adrian. I can’t promise anything, but I don’t want us to be enemies, for Nicole’s sake. She deserves better of us than that.’

His eyes lit up and he reached across and clasped her hand.

‘Thank you, I know how difficult this must be for you and I’m truly grateful.’ He shifted in his chair. ‘If…if you were happy to, sometime in the future maybe, I’d be honoured to be your friend. To go out for a drink or a walk perhaps.’

She had to think. Did she want them to be friends again? Could she consider spending time with him, trust him not to hurt her again?

‘I…I’ll see. Give me time, Adrian. It’s been – ’

‘I understand. Of course, take as long as you like. I can wait.’ He smiled at her, somewhat tentative still, she thought. He’s not sure what I want yet and nor am I. It takes time to heal the pain of thirty-five years of loneliness.