She always looked forward to her visits. A pleasure any time of the night. Even if they sometimes consisted merely of brief hellos and short kisses before she ducked away into her studio to work on her painting. Sometimes they made love before the painting commenced, sometimes immediately after it ended. But mostly they sat together, talking about nothing, doing as true lovers did.
That was why she kept her mouth shut when she discovered the painting. And why she kept her mouth shut on two occasions when her sense of smell didn't fail her.
Tonight Lissa had skipped the love-making altogether, and only spent the briefest time working on her secret piece.
"Why won't you let me see it?" Jean asked, hoping upon hope that tonight would be the night when she stopped lying. When you know your lover is keeping something from you, you pray they come clean on their own, so you don't have to expose them. So you don't look like the bad guy. And Jean was tired of being the bad guy to Lissa; they both were.
"I told you, I'll show you once it's finished. You won't like it as it is."
"You still haven't told me what it is." And here she regarded Lissa carefully, willing her with her eyes to tell the truth. To stick to the promise they'd made each other.
"Nothing interesting. Just your regular painting of nature." The girl didn't even blink. She was getting so good at lying.
Inside, Jean's heart was slowly breaking. Her Lissa, so pure and honest and innocent, had become so deceptive, she almost wanted to believe her, despite knowing she was lying.
Maybe she was just as bad for going against Lissa's wishes. Her punishment for looking at the painting when Lissa told her not to.
She took the girl in her arms and they cuddled for a little while. She needed to feel her, to convince herself that whatever happened, whatever untruths were being shared, the truest and most wholesome thing between them was their love for each other.
But even their embrace was tainted.
The sharp smell of paint couldn't mask the smell of betrayal. And betrayal had a distinct odor this time. She couldn't hold her for long, and let go moments later, unable to look at her. Jean was never the first to pull away – but she couldn't bear it. This was the third time she'd smelled that grotesque scent. There would be more, she was certain of that.
"Are you staying for dinner?" she asked. Dinner, in a sense, was a euphemism for sex, seeing as that was what usually transpired after Lissa had eaten.
"Not tonight. Tomorrow, maybe." She put on her jacket. A leather number, an aviator-style monstrosity with fake fur around the collar. Something that she'd never seen her wear before. A new jacket to go with a new attitude. She would have appreciated it more if she knew the whole look didn't belong to someone else.
"Okay, honey. See you tomorrow." They kissed, but it felt hollow. Jean suspected this was all in her head, that the kiss was no different from the hundreds that had come before it. That betrayal distorted everything.
As she opened the door for her, Robyn was just stepping out of her car. Her phone pressed to her ear, her laugh echoed across the drive. It was genuine, Jean knew it. Up until a few weeks ago, she'd only ever heard Robyn laugh like that out of spite, at someone's downfall. But she'd been hearing this a lot lately. And it only exacerbated her growing misery.
The two most important women in her life passed each other, and for the first time, didn't exchange any nasty words. She should have been happy to see them being civil, but she didn't like what it meant. It meant they were both moving on – that she wasn't the center of their universe anymore. A hard pill to swallow.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Nadine. Oh, and don't forget to DVR the show tonight. It's so much funnier watching it with someone else." Robyn's smile remained on her face as she rung off and slipped her cell into her purse. It was only when she noticed her boss's longing, wistful look at her departing lover that the smile faded. More out of respect than because she was done with it.
"What has she done this time?"
Jean shook out of her reverie, and let Robyn inside.
"She still hasn't come clean?" Robyn added.
Jean shook her head, wearing an agonizing expression, as though she had been physically stabbed in the back. The feeling came as close to that as anything could.
"She looks right at me and lies. Even though I've seen the damn painting, even though I can smell the filthy dog on her!" With one swoop of the hand, she knocked over the coat stand. When Robyn went to pick it up, she shouted, "Just leave it."
"Fine." Robyn stared at her, concerned, but also furious. Furious that Jean had allowed the little hussy to unravel her. She couldn't make her see sense when it came to Lissa, though she'd been trying for a long time. "You need to keep it together, Jean. This isn't good for anyone."
"Don't tell me what I need." If there had been another coat stand, it would have gone down in her rage, too. "Why don't you tell me to hunt that piece of crap down that she's hanging around with, and tear her face off? Huh? Tell me to do that."
"What will that solve? If she wants to be with her, attacking a Were isn't going to do anything but bring trouble to your door. They're a protected class, Jean. And you can't just go around killing people because your girlfriend is sleeping with them."
To hear it said by another made the possibility all too real. While she had no proof that Lissa had been unfaithful, her hope was fading fast. She desperately wanted to believe that it wasn't in her.
"How could she do this? Go this far? Does she hate me that much?"
"This is what girls like her always do. You were new and dangerous once; now she's moved on to something else, something newer, in search of bigger thrills." Robyn could never allow for another explanation. She saw the worst in people when everyone else wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt.
"I can't accept that. Why does she still come here, why do we still make love? Why does she tell me she loves me?" The anger gradually transformed into anguish, despite her best efforts to hold on to the former. Being angry distracted her from her sorrow.
Robyn shrugged. "Maybe in her own messed up way she does love you. I don't know." For those words to come from her own mouth demonstrated how much she'd progressed. But also what her state of mind was. Unrequited love had forever been her song, until recently. Her new-found infatuation with Nadine had changed her perspective. Now she saw that love had many faces, came in all shapes and sizes, and was never black and white. The romantic in her – the part she'd only just tapped into – wanted to give Jean hope. Even if it did shine a positive light on Lissa.
"What do you propose I do?"
Robyn sighed. "If she really loves you, she'll come back to you. But there's no reason why you shouldn't let her work for your love. Don't make it so easy for her to come and go. Don't show her you care."
"I don't want to do that to her; I don't want to play games."
"It's the only thing someone like Lissa will respond to. If she thinks you don't care what she does, she'll come running back."
Jean contemplated this for a moment, and it didn't sit right with her. She was too old to play silly games, especially with the woman she loved. But Robyn was right about one thing: if Lissa really did love her as much as she claimed, if they were meant to be together, she would find her own way back.
If. If. If. There was a lot riding on ifs.
"I'm happy for you, I truly am," she said after a while, and so randomly that Robyn was taken aback.
"For what?"
Jean forced a smile. "Nadine's a wonderful woman. I'm glad you've found each other."
Robyn's cheeks grew scarlet. "We're just...it's not...I don't know if that's what she wants from me. We've been spending a lot of time together, but she's hard to read."
Jean squeezed her arm affectionately. "I was skeptical myself in the beginning. But I think she likes you."
A little smile crept to Robyn's lips, disappeared, then returned, as she allowed herself to dream of a future beside someone who could actually return her love. It made her dizzy with delirium.
Everything around Jean was changing, and she could do nothing to stop it.