Oh crap. Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.
What had she just done?
Tiffany stood on the other side of the bathroom door, pressing her hand to her stomach. Everything was in knots—good and bad.
But her head was screaming at her.
This was not what she’d decided on. It was the exact opposite. She was supposed to stay away from Jonathan, not assault his lips.
Groaning out of frustration, she made her way over to the toilet and sat on the lid. She dropped her head into her hands and closed her eyes.
She could still see Jonathan staring down at her with so much feeling in his gaze that it took her breath away. He cared about her. A lot. And she’d allowed him to believe that was an okay thing to do.
Like she wasn’t going to break his heart, even though she knew she was going to do.
Why was she so dumb? She shouldn’t have allowed any of this to happen.
Never mind the fact that she would have to go back out there and tell Jonathan that it had been a huge mistake, she was now going to have to live with the fact that she’d broken his heart. He’d handed it to her, and she’d taken it and then stomped all over it.
She was the worst friend in existence.
Tears welled up in her eyes, and she tipped her face up to squelch them. She didn’t deserve to feel like this. She’d been the one to let her guard down and let Jonathan get sucked into her messed-up world. The world where she disappointed every guy she’d ever been with.
Once Jonathan realized how ridiculous she was, he would want to leave. He’d walk out the door and abandon her. Just like her mom did. Just like every man in her life did.
She was born to be alone. She should accept that before she hurt anyone else.
She needed to stop feeling sorry for herself and be the bigger person. Face Jonathan like he deserved. She needed to tell him that the kiss was a huge mistake. That she knew he would be upset, but she hoped he’d forgive her and they could move forward…as friends.
Just as she thought the last few words, her chest squeezed. That wasn’t what she wanted. Not at all.
She wanted to be more than friends. She wanted him. All of him. She’d been friends with him for so long, and she knew what that was like.
But now? She wanted to be his. She wanted to wake up next to him and fall asleep at night with him by her side.
She wanted to have his children.
Shaking her head, she scolded herself. Was she an idiot? What was wrong with her?
Jonathan deserved so much better than her. He deserved a woman. A perfect woman. And she was far from that.
She wrapped her arms around her chest and stared over at the sink. She knew what lay on the other side of the wall, and she wasn’t sure if she could handle disappointing him. It was breaking her heart just thinking about it.
“He deserves better,” she whispered to herself. He deserved so much better.
She swallowed as she stood and turned on the shower. She needed some time away from him if she was going to survive. After throwing her hair up into a bun, she slipped under the hot water, allowing it to beat against her tense muscles.
She closed her eyes as she played back the kiss in her mind.
It was mind blowing. Everything she thought a kiss should be. Every other kiss she’d experienced paled in comparison to his.
The way he made her feel shocked her. It made her feel vulnerable and scared, something she hadn’t allowed herself to feel, and yet, the fact that it was Jonathan soothed her. She trusted him.
Frustrated with the thoughts pounding against her skull, she flipped off the water and grabbed a towel. She needed to get out of here. She needed distance from him.
After slipping on her clothes, she pulled her hair down and took a deep breath. She just needed to leave the room before he noticed.
Which was probably not likely, but she could do it.
She rested her hand on the doorknob and counted down. She turned the handle and kept her gaze on the floor as she located her shoes.
“Tiffany?” Jonathan’s low and confused voice caused her to shiver.
She was hurting him, she could tell. But it was better for her to leave now before she hurt him more. Just like ripping off a Band-Aid.
“I have to go,” she whispered, emotions choking her throat.
“But…” His hand reached out and wrapped around her arm.
Tiffany fought the tears that were threatening to spill. If Jonathan saw them, then he’d know they were for him and he’d never let her go. Hadn’t he always said it was his job to protect her? Call her crazy, but she was pretty sure he would categorize this as something she needed saving from.
“I have to go,” She repeated as she grabbed her purse and pushed it up onto her shoulder. She turned and hurried over to the door, where she reached out to grab the handle.
“Hang on,” he said. The panic in his voice caused her to stop.
She hated what she was doing to him. He was her friend. He deserved to have her hear him out.
“What?” she asked, braving heartbreak as she glanced up at him.
Thankfully, he wasn’t looking at her. Instead, he was digging around in his wallet. He emerged with a keycard. When his gaze met hers, her heart nearly stopped.
He was in pain. So much pain. She was the reason he was hurting. She’d spent so much time trying to stop this exact thing, but she’d ended up doing it anyways.
Hurting the people she loved.
“Here. In case you want to come back.” He held up the keycard in front of her.
Tiffany parted her lips as she raised her hand and wrapped her fingers around the card. There was so much she wanted to say but couldn’t. He’d think he had a chance if she spoke.
So she just nodded, slipped the card from his hand, and grabbed the door handle.
It wasn’t until she was on the other side of the door that she allowed herself to breathe again. But it wasn’t a smooth inhalation. It was staggered and rough. It matched how she felt inside perfectly.
Closing her eyes, she calmed her nerves enough to walk down the hall. She didn’t want people to see her and assume there was a crazy person in the hotel. That was the last thing she needed.
Once she was sure she at least appeared calm, she pushed off the wall and made her way down to the elevator. She wasn’t really sure where she was going, she just knew that she couldn’t stay here.
She boarded the elevator and took it down to the lobby. Once the doors opened on the foyer, she took in a deep breath. She could do this. It was the right thing.
Even though doubt tugged at her mind, she shook it off and stepped out onto the marble floor. She glanced around to find some of the wedding party milling around in the bar to the left.
If she were honest with herself, she really didn’t want to go socialize with her family. She just wanted to be alone.
But as she rounded the corner, a very loud squeal drew her attention over to Stacy, who rushed over to her and wrapped her into a hug.
“Hey, coz!” she exclaimed rather loudly in Tiffany’s ear.
She winced and hugged her cousin back. “Hey, Stacy.”
Stacy giggled as she pulled back. “I’m getting married tomorrow,” she whispered. Her eyes were wide, and for a moment, Tiffany saw some worry behind her cousin’s normally cheery gaze.
Worried that Stacy was having doubts, she pulled back and wrapped her arm around her cousin’s shoulders.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
Stacy sniffled as she shrugged. “It’s just a lot, you know. The commitment. What if…what if he gets bored with me? What will happen once I have kids and my boobs are hanging on the floor?” She started to wail, drawing the attention of people passing by.
Tiffany shushed her cousin as she led Stacy over to the elevator. “Let’s get you upstairs and get you in your pajamas. I’m sure you’re just overwhelmed.”
Stacy mumbled something about needing her girls and shoved her phone into Tiffany’s hand as the elevator doors shut and the car began to rise.
Tiffany found the group text she’d been on and messaged everyone to meet up in Stacy’s room for some girl time Everyone responded with a thumbs-up, and just as they neared Stacy’s suite, Tiffany found them all standing outside. Each had some sort of beauty item in their hands.
Stacy squealed as she reached out and engulfed them all in a big hug. Chatter rose up around them as Tiffany took the keycard from Stacy and swiped the door.
They spilled into the room. Tiffany lingered in the hallway as she glanced around. Where was Beatrice?
When she got into Stacy’s room, she glanced over at Heather, who was laughing as she opened the minibar.
“Really, Heather? Do you have a love of blinding headaches?” Tiffany said as she nodded toward the alcohol.
Heather shrugged. “I’ll be fine.”
Tiffany shook her head. One of the reasons she watched what she drank was because she hated how out of control she felt. Plus, she’d done some pretty stupid things in her past when she was wasted, and she’d learned the hard way that it was the last thing she needed.
Heather took a mini bottle and slipped into the bathroom, where she declared that she was starting the bath so they could do pedicures.
Tiffany followed her inside and sat down on the toilet lid. She wanted to ask where Beatrice was without sounding desperate. After rubbing her palms on her thighs a few times, she took a deep breath.
“Hey, Heather?”
Heather turned and nodded at her. “What’s up?”
“Where’s Beatrice?”
Heather studied her. Then she shrugged as she dipped her fingers into the water. “I think she was off to check on Jonathan or something.”
Tiffany’s stomach lurched. Beatrice went to check on Jonathan? What did that mean?
And then she felt stupid. She knew what that meant. She knew exactly what Beatrice was trying to do. It was something she wouldn’t have thought twice about doing before.
She must have looked awful, because Heather’s eyebrows rose as she looked at Tiffany. “What’s with you? I thought you two broke up.”
Tiffany let out her breath as she sat down on the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees, hugging them to her chest. “Can I tell you a secret?”
Heather’s eyes widened as she nodded. “Always.”
Tiffany swallowed as she closed her eyes for a moment. “Jonathan was never my boyfriend. He’s been my best friend since we were kids.” Her voice drifted off as her emotions rose up in her chest. Everything about this weekend felt as if it were crushing her. Like if she took a moment to think about where her relationship was with Jonathan, she might break.
When Heather didn’t say anything, Tiffany glanced over at her.
“Why lie?” Heather asked, leaning over to flip off the water.
Tiffany buried her face in her hands. “I didn’t want to prove to everyone that, yet again, I suck at relationships. The boyfriend I was going to bring dumped me last week. Jonathan offered to come as my date so I could save face.”
Heather nodded. “And you fell in love with him.”
Tiffany choked on her tongue as she turned to study her friend. “What?”
Heather snorted. “Oh, come on, Tiffany, it’s so obvious. You’re always looking at him. You blush when he touches you. You looked like you were about to claw Beatrice’s face off when I told you she’s off visiting him.” Heather clicked her tongue. “It’s pretty obvious you have feelings for him.”
Tiffany cradled her head in her hands. As much as she hated that Heather had pegged the situation perfectly, she wasn’t sure it was good for her to hear.
It was easy enough to ignore her feelings when she didn’t acknowledge them. But now they were staring her in the face, forcing her to confront them. And she didn’t like it.
“Heather, I can’t. What if I fail? What if I lose him for good?” Tiffany glanced over at Heather, pleading for the answer to her situation.
Heather took in a deep breath and shrugged. “It’s up to you. I mean, if you love him, take the chance. But if you don’t think that’s something you can do, then you need to let him go.” She reached over and ran her fingers through the water. “It’s not fair to string him along.”
Tiffany twisted until she was kneeling by the tub and dipped her fingers into the water. It felt good. In a way, it sort of shocked her system into remembering that she was alive.
“And if I lose him?” She glanced over at Heather.
Heather gave her a soft smile. “From what I’ve seen when he looks at you, he’s not going anywhere. I doubt you could fight him off with a stick. That boy loves you. And I’m sure your friendship means more to him than anything.”
Tiffany’s heart began to pound at Heather’s words. Jonathan loved her. And if she loved him back, she needed to let him go. He deserved someone better than her. Someone much better.
Heather sighed. “I know that look,” she said, leaning over to bump Tiffany’s shoulder with her own.
Tiffany studied her. “What?”
“You’re going to run.”
Tiffany pulled her fingers from the water and flicked the excess water from her fingers before reaching over to grab a towel. “You said if I loved him, I’d let him go.”
Heather snorted. “Of course that would be the only thing you heard.”
Confused, Tiffany sat down on the toilet seat. “But you said—”
“Out of everything I said, that was what you fixated on? Letting him go? Walking away?”
“But—”
“Tiffany, you have to start believing that you are worthy of love. You need to forget whatever happened in the past and focus on the present. What’s staring you in the face.” Heather’s expression softened. “Because what you have with him is about as real as you’re ever going to get.”
Tiffany studied her cousin. She wanted to admit that Heather was right. But she couldn’t. Not when things were so confusing and muddled in her mind.
“I know,” she whispered, but before she could say anything more, two giggling bridesmaids burst into the room with flutes of champagne.
“We’re here for our pedicures,” they said in unison as they kicked off their flip-flops and stumbled over to the tub.
Taking this as her cue to leave, Tiffany waved to Heather and slipped out of the bathroom.
She spent the rest of the night curled up on the armchair in Stacy’s room. She really wasn’t in the mood to party. Besides, someone had to keep the other girls from calling up ex-boyfriends or ordering a stripper.
At two in the morning, there was a knock on the door. Tiffany sidestepped a few of the girls who had passed out on the floor and made her way over. She opened the door to reveal Beatrice.
She looked happy. And it made Tiffany sick to her stomach.
“Hey,” Tiffany said as she leaned on the door.
Beatrice smiled at her and then peeked over Tiffany’s shoulder. “Sorry. I was…busy. Are they still up?”
Tiffany shook her head. Even if they were, she would have lied to Beatrice. There was no way she wanted to sit in the same room as her. Not when Beatrice had just spent the evening with Jonathan—doing who knows what.
No. Right now, she needed Beatrice to leave so she could keep her sanity.
“Oh. Then I’ll probably head to bed,” Beatrice said as she folded her arms over her chest.
“Sounds good,” Tiffany said as she began to shut the door.
“Hey, Tiff?”
Tiffany hesitated and then turned. “Yeah?”
“You should talk to Jonathan. He’s confused and worried he lost you as a friend.”
Tiffany winced. He’d talked to Beatrice about her? What was she supposed to say to that? Mustering her strength, Tiffany nodded. “Okay. I will.”
Beatrice gave her a soft smile and then turned and headed down the hallway.
Tiffany shut the door and collapsed against it. She pinched her lips as tears welled up in her eyes.
How could things have gotten so bad so fast?