When Deborah rolled out of bed Monday morning, she was actually kind of pleased to be able to stay home and not have a photo shoot demanding her attention. Last week had worn her out. Between the sneaking off, traipsing through the lumpy field and posing just so over and over, every muscle in her body had tensed up. Even muscles she hadn’t used for any of those tasks. Just the stress made everything taut.
But there was no stress today. She could help out her sisters and Mutter, or slip away and relax at the pond. Maybe she would do a little of both.
After breakfast, Vater sat in the living room with his leg propped up, and Amos had gone outside to work in the barn. The lumber he’d ordered with Vater’s permission and gratitude had arrived late on Saturday. Today, he would start his repairs on the hayloft.
Mutter scurried into the kitchen with her coat on. She scanned her daughters. “I’m going to Sister Bethany’s Fabric Shoppe. Your vater needs a new shirt, and I want to start a new quilt.” Her gaze settled solidly on Deborah. “Would you like to come with me?”
Deborah couldn’t believe it. As she stood a little taller to speak, she opened her mouth, but before any words could come out, Naomi stepped in front of her.
“I want to go. Can I go with you, Mutter?”
“Of course. You can all go. Get your coats.”
Hannah and Lydia exchanged glances and identical tilts of their heads.
Sarah clapped her hands. “Yeah. I want to go.”
“I’ll stay here and start preparations for lunch,” Joanna said.
“I’ll stay, as well,” Lydia said. “Sarah, do you want to help me make a cake? I’ll let you lick the bowl.”
Sarah clapped her hands again. “Oh, ja. I want to lick the bowl.”
Mutter had invited Deborah, and now half of her sisters were going.
Hannah, Miriam and Naomi quickly bundled into their coats. Hannah would drive and Mutter would sit up front with her. That would leave Deborah to sit in the back with Miriam and Naomi. Miriam was always a pleasure to be with. But Naomi?
Mutter looked directly at Deborah. “You don’t have your coat on. Aren’t you coming?”
Naomi made a face at Deborah from behind Mutter’s shoulder.
Lydia put a hand on Deborah’s shoulder. “I could use your help with the cake.”
Deborah knew her sister didn’t, but said, “Ja, I’ll stay and help.”
Mutter smiled at her middlemost daughter. “You are such a gut girl.”
Deborah smiled back. Her mutter’s brief attention was somehow worth not going.
Naomi’s expression turned smug before she stepped out the kitchen door ahead of everyone. Why her next-to-the-youngest sister insisted on being spiteful didn’t make sense to Deborah.
“Mutter?” Deborah asked. “Could you get me some fabric for a quilt, as well?”
“Of course, dear.” With that, the foursome left.
Lydia didn’t move from Deborah’s side but stared out the window at the top of the door. She looked a little troubled, then spoke softly. “Danki for not making a fuss about staying. I figured Hannah would have her hands full with Naomi along. Why our sister has chosen you to clash with, I don’t know.”
It was nice to know that at least one other person in the family noticed Naomi’s ill temper toward her. “I do my best to stay out of her way.”
“You do it very well. I’m pleased you take the high road.”
Maybe that was why no one minded Deborah being gone. Naomi behaved better in her absence. “What do you need me to do?”
Sarah pulled on Lydia’s arm. “I wanna lick the cake bowl.”
Lydia gave Deborah a helpless look. “See if Vater needs anything. We’ll start the cake.” Her sister allowed their youngest sister to drag her to the cupboard with the mixing bowls.
Deborah liked feeling useful. With her mutter and half of her sisters gone, there would be something for her to do. She stopped short in the middle of the living room. Vater lay fast asleep, pushed back in the recliner. She returned to the kitchen. “Vater’s sleeping. What can I do?”
Lydia glanced around. “I think we have it all covered. Danki for asking.”
Even with half of the women gone, she wasn’t needed.
“Why don’t you read a book or something?”
Deborah didn’t want to read a book. She’d been eager to help. Movement outside caught her attention.
Amos helped Mutter and her sisters into the big black buggy.
His kindness and thoughtfulness made Deborah want to be near him. “I’m going to take Amos a cup of coffee and a leftover biscuit from breakfast.”
Lydia set a large mixing bowl on the table in front of Sarah and handed their youngest sister a wooden spoon. “That would be very nice. I’m sure he would appreciate it.”
Deborah hoped so. She snatched her coat, swung it on and fastened it up the front.
Lydia handed Deborah a mug of steaming coffee and the remaining breakfast biscuit. “You’re so thoughtful.”
If her sister only knew her kindness was an excuse to go see their handsome helper. As she stepped outside, the buggy had just turned onto the road. She hurried to the barn. “Amos?”
He stepped from a horse stall and smiled when he saw her. “Hallo, Deborah. What brings you out here?”
His greeting tingled her insides. She held out the offerings. “I brought you coffee and the last biscuit.”
He leaned the pitchfork up against the wall and removed his work gloves before he took the biscuit and coffee. “Danki. This is quite a treat.”
“A treat? It’s just a biscuit and coffee.”
“Ah, but I come from a farm with all men and one woman. There were never leftovers, so extra food was unheard-of. My brothers and I gobbled up every last crumb our mutter prepared.” He took a sizable bite. Before long, the beverage and food were gone. “Danki. Now that I’m fed, I’ll be able to continue my work throughout the morning.”
“Are you going to work on the hayloft today?”
“Ja. This is a gut time, before plowing and planting.”
“I’ll help you.”
His brown eyes stared at her and blinked several times. “I can’t allow that. Carpentry is man’s work.”
She took a deep breath and huffed it out. “Didn’t we already go over this? One man, lots of women.” She pointed to herself. “Done a little carpentry from time to time. Helped plow and plant. And taken care of the livestock. I even once helped my vater fix and grease a buggy wheel.”
He shook his head. “I just can’t picture you wielding a tool.”
Deborah grabbed a framing hammer from where tools hung on the wall. She felt the weight of it in her hand and then rotated her wrist, turning the implement in a circle.
Amos chuckled.
“You think me incapable?”
“Ne. I’m thinking you are probably quite capable. I’m grateful for your assistance. While I was waiting for the wood to be delivered, I moved the hay back away from the edge using both the attached ladder and the A-frame one. I removed some of the near boards I could reach from the loft. Your vater approved and bought wood for the whole floor to be rebuilt. I could use your help in handing the boards up to me. Do you know where your vater keeps his work gloves? I wouldn’t want you to get any slivers of wood.”
That had been too easy to get him to agree. She’d thought she would have to do a lot more cajoling to get him to consent. She went over to a plastic tub on the floor and popped off the top. After taking out her favorite pale green pair, she snapped the lid closed to keep bugs and critters out of the gloves.
After two and a half hours of hauling up boards and nailing them in place, Deborah was more tired than she’d been in a long time. She was also more satisfied with her work than she’d been in a long time. There was something so gratifying about accomplishing a task like this. Not like modeling, where she sat there and posed this way and that. It wasn’t fulfilling. Not like this had been.
Miriam entered the barn. “My goodness, you’ve made quite a bit of progress.”
Amos nodded toward Deborah where she stood on one of the two ladders. “Your sister helped. I wouldn’t be nearly as far along without her.”
“Deborah can be a very hard worker.”
Not a glowing compliment, but at least it wasn’t negative.
Deborah felt bad that she was spending time with the man who was interested in Miriam. It reminded Deborah that she often wasn’t around to help with the work. She wasn’t usually needed anyway, and she shouldn’t feel bad working with Amos, because she’d done nothing wrong or inappropriate. Miriam could have offered to help him.
“She’s been very helpful.” Amos shot Deborah an appreciative glance.
Deborah’s insides tingled at his encouraging look.
“We all strive to do our part.” Miriam shifted her gaze from Amos to Deborah. “I just came out to let you know that lunch will be ready in about fifteen minutes, if you want to get washed up.”
“Danki,” Deborah said at the same time Amos did.
“Bitte.” Miriam left without so much as a second glance at Amos. So, hopefully her sister wasn’t any more interested in him than he seemed to be in her.
Deborah scurried down her ladder as Amos climbed down his. She certainly was hungry and knew a delicious meal awaited. She removed her gloves, as did Amos. Deborah grabbed both pairs and tucked them safely inside the plastic bin.
“Just a second.” Amos headed back for the ladder. “I want to bring down the nail pouch, so I don’t forget to refill it before we go back up.” He climbed up.
We. He’d said we. So he wanted her to continue to help him. She smiled. She definitely wanted to continue to help him, as well. It gave her a chance to spend time with him and be useful.
“Got it.” He backed down the ladder. “Ouch!” He jerked his right hand away from the ladder.
Deborah stepped closer. “What happened?”
“Splinter. I should have been more careful.” He jumped the rest of the way to the ground and tossed the nail bag onto the stack of lumber.
“Let me see.” Deborah grabbed his hand and turned it palm up. The realization that she was holding a man’s hand—a man who wasn’t a family member—sent a jolt up her arm. She still wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was merely helping someone who was helping her family.
He scratched at his palm with his fingernail. “I can take care of it.”
“It’s your dominant hand. It’ll be easier if I do it.” She released him. “Move over to the brighter light of the doorway.” He obeyed.
Deborah took a slow, deep breath to calm her fluttering insides and grabbed the red-and-white first-aid kit off the tool wall. Popping it open, she set the kit on the end of the pile of boards and removed the tweezers.
Once her fickle insides were wrestled under control, she cupped her hand around his and lifted the end of the large sliver with the tip of the tweezers, pinching it. “This is going to hurt.”
“Pull it out fast and get it over with.”
“Okay.” She yanked it free as she spoke the word.
He sucked in a breath through gritted teeth but didn’t move his hand, not even a twitch.
It took all her strength to focus on the sliver and not on holding his warm, strong hand in hers. Keep your breathing natural. She picked out a couple of more small ones, then dabbed the abrasions with an alcohol wipe. “There. That should do it. Are there any others? I can’t see any.” When he didn’t answer, she looked up.
He stared down at her with a strange expression on his face.
Her question came out a little soft. “Did I get them all?” Leaving her hand cupped around the bottom of his, she continued to stare up at him. That same strange feeling she’d had when he’d knocked her out of the way of the falling board more than a week ago wrapped around her like a gentle hug.
After a moment, he nodded but didn’t pull his hand away. “We should go wash up for lunch. We don’t want to keep the others waiting.”
This time, she nodded but didn’t move until a loud motorcycle raced by on the road. She drew in a quick breath, breaking the moment and retrieving her hand. “I’ll put the first-aid kit away.”
He cleared his throat and dropped his hand to his side. “Danki. It feels better already.”
His praise caressed her like a long-awaited, warm spring breeze.
* * *
Tuesday, again she had another pleasant day helping Amos with the hayloft. But Wednesday was a different matter entirely. She was expected at the studio for a shoot. She needed to slip away undetected by Amos. A part of her wanted to stay and work beside him again even though they had finished the hayloft floor. She’d told Hudson she didn’t know if she would be able to make it, but he was counting on her. And if she was going to be honest with herself, she missed modeling and Hudson’s praise.
However, slipping away had been easier than she’d thought it would be. Amos drove Vater to Dr. Kathleen’s to check his leg. Mutter went as well, along with Hannah and Naomi, so Deborah had a gut excuse not to go. The buggy was full with Vater’s leg needing to be propped up.
Deborah had been able to stroll at a leisurely pace through the field as she had done before Amos arrived. She caught her ride and reached the studio early. She hurried inside.
Hudson stood with Summer, Tina and Lindsey over what appeared to be concept drawings. Which meant today’s shoot wouldn’t be for some boring clothing catalog.
Deborah liked these shoots best. She could be more free and have fun. “Am I the first model here?”
Four pairs of eyes turned toward her.
Hudson stepped away from the group. “Yes. You’re early.” He sounded pleased.
Was that because she was early or just because she showed up after saying she might not? It didn’t matter. She was here and glad about it. She joined them at the table to look at the printouts of various period dresses and multiple backgrounds.
Deborah picked up a paper with a royal blue velvet gown. “I call dibs on this one. First come, first serve.”
Hudson waved his arm over the table. “You get to wear them all.”
“What about the other girls? Are we all going to take turns wearing each dress?”
“Not exactly. You’re the only model today.”
She set down the paper. “Is everyone else sick?”
“No. I need only one model today. And since I can’t call you to cancel, I canceled the others.”
So did that mean Deborah had been a last resort? Hudson didn’t seem to be upset that she was his model today. She had told Hudson from the beginning she didn’t have a telephone number. Though her vater did, she technically didn’t. She couldn’t risk him calling. She would never be able to explain receiving a call from an Englisher. And an Englisher man, no less.
Deborah would stand in front of either one of the different pull-down backdrops or a green screen in the assorted outfits, and Hudson would put her in various backgrounds, mostly outdoors ones. These shots would likely be for book covers. “So, you’re shooting covers today.”
“Yes. I have several custom-ordered for specific books. The others I’ll put on my website to sell.”
She posed in a Victorian dress, a medieval gown and a gypsy outfit, as well as others. Her favorite was the flowy, gauzy lavender fantasy dress with sparkly accents.
“Gaze off into the distance as though you see someone you’re glad to meet.” Hudson snapped multiple pictures as he spoke. “Turn on the fan.”
A gentle breeze played with her loose hair. What would Amos think if he could see her?
“Good. I like that distressed look.”
She was modeling only until she found someone to marry, and that wasn’t likely to be anytime soon.
“I’ll put you in a meadow, on a high castle wall, and even give you wings.”
Amos would think her silly, foolish and worthy to be shunned. Her insides twisted at the thought of him being so disappointed in her.
She spun and faced the camera. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”
“But we still have more outfits to shoot.”
“Call in one of the other models.” She hurried to the dressing room. It had been a mistake to come.
* * *
Amos stood in the barn, greasing a buggy wheel. He’d noticed it squeaking a little on the trip to the local Amish doctor’s.
He had his usual supervisor—the gray tabby—who watched him work in and around the barn. He’d learned the cat’s name was Sissy. Amos had cut out a small section of the tack room door at the bottom for the cat to come and go. By the time he’d gone to bed that first night, Sissy had brought two more kittens, for a total of five. He enjoyed having them as roommates. When Sissy got tired of her kittens, she would curl up on his cot.
Once again, he stepped away from his work on the buggy wheel to go outside and look beyond the barn toward the field Deborah often disappeared through. He’d thought she might help him. She said she’d greased a buggy wheel before, but she’d taken advantage of him being gone to take her vater to have his leg checked and had left without permission or telling anyone where she’d gone.
He’d been a bit breathless on Monday when Deborah had removed his wood sliver. Not from the pain but from having a woman holding his hand. Not holding his hand like they were courting, but nonetheless, her touch had affected him. At first, it had briefly reminded him of when his mutter had removed slivers from his hands when he was a boy, but it had quickly turned into something different. Something more. Something he wanted to repeat. Could Deborah be different from the other Amish girls who had disappointed him? Part of him hoped so. But why hope for anything when he was leaving? It wouldn’t matter.
Today, she wasn’t here to tend to any wounds he might incur. She had slipped away while he was gone. He’d become complacent because she’d been helping him the past two days. He should have insisted she come to the doctor’s with them. He’d forgotten she was different from other Amish girls. Not content to stay around the farm. She had a restlessness about her. What was it that caused her to feel the need to always wander off?
He’d already trekked out to the pond in case she had simply gone there as she said she often did, but she was nowhere in sight. Though he hadn’t really expected to find her there, disappointment that she wasn’t had stabbed at him. He would have to wait until she returned, and then he would keep an even closer eye on her from now on. He shouldn’t allow himself to get tangled up with thoughts of her. Thoughts that would likely lead to heartbreak again.
When he returned inside to the buggy, Jacob was leaning against it. “You are a difficult man to track down.”
Amos looked back toward the door opening. None of the Millers were around to take notice of his cousin.
Jacob pushed away from the buggy. “I made sure I wasn’t seen.”
That was a relief. “It’s gut to see you. What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you. You weren’t easy to find. I was on the road near your family’s farm every day for nearly a week and didn’t see you once. Then I remembered where you said you were working. Are you staying here?”
“Ja. Bartholomew broke his leg. I’m helping out on his farm while he’s laid up. It’s fairly light work, being winter. I did replace his rotting hayloft floor.” He pointed above him. “That’s how he injured himself.”
“You appear to be enjoying yourself.”
“The work is gut.” And he slept like a contented man because of it.
Jacob’s mouth hitched up on one side. “Or is it because you have your eye on one of his daughters? Are you looking for a frau while you’re here?”
Part of Amos was looking for an Amish frau. Was it because he wanted one? Or because it was expected of him? Or because he wanted to believe a gut Amish woman could fall in love with him? On the other hand, Jacob was here to help Amos leave the Amish. Amos wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. “Ne. I don’t think I’m ready to marry yet.” He needed to figure out where he belonged first. Here, in his plain world, which might include Deborah, or out there, in the fancy one without her.
“Do you still want to leave?”
“Ja. I think I do.”
Jacob pulled a cell phone and cord from his jacket pocket. “Then I brought this for you. Have you used one before?”
Amos nodded. “On Rumspringa.” He hesitated before taking the forbidden device. This was a step down a path away from Deborah.
“Make sure to keep it charged. I’ll text you with a meeting time and place. I’ve put it on Silent, so you’ll need to check it each day for messages and text back that you received it. I’ll contact you with a time and place for next week. Will you still be here or at your parents’ farm?”
“Here.” Amos shifted his gaze from the phone to his cousin. “But I don’t know if next week will work. Bartholomew still needs my help.”
“He wouldn’t have any trouble finding someone else. Maybe even one of your brothers.”
Jacob was right, but Amos didn’t want anyone else taking his place here. This was his place. At least for the time being. “I made a promise to him.” When he was no longer needed here, it would be easier to leave. Being on the Millers’ farm had already been a small step in breaking ties with his family.
Jacob studied him for a moment. “Do you truly want to leave?”
“Ja, ja. I do.” No sense in getting even more attached to this family.
His cousin narrowed his eyes. “All right. I’ll be in touch to see how things are going.” He shuffled his feet. “How are my mutter and vater and my brothers and sisters?”
“They are doing well. They miss you.”
Jacob laughed. “I know they didn’t say that. That would be frowned upon.”
“I can tell by their guarded speech when they talk about their children and their worried expressions. And you are prayed for at church.” When Amos left, he would be included in the unnamed lost members who left the Amish faith, along with Jacob, the bishop’s granddaughter and a few others.
Amos walked Jacob to the barn door opening and peered out into the yard to make sure no one was there. The pair stepped outside. He wished his cousin farewell and watched him until he made it to the road.
Rubbing a hand across the back of his neck, he tried to sort out his thoughts. It would be easier to break ties with his community when he wasn’t needed here. But for now, he was needed. He returned to the barn to finish greasing the buggy wheel.
“Who was that Englisher?”
He looked up and saw Deborah strolled toward him.
“Who?”
“The man who just left.”
Should he make up a story, tell her the Englisher was lost and had asked for directions?
“He’s the same man you spoke with at the hospital, isn’t he?”
She’d seen him then? He’d thought he’d sneaked away unnoticed. Now she would think less of him. He decided to go with the truth. “That was Jacob. My cousin.”
“Oh. Is he still on Rumspringa?”
“Ne.”
Her big, beautiful green eyes widened. “He left the church?”
“Six months ago.”
“What was he doing here?”
“Asking about his family.”
“But he turned his back on them when he left.”
“He still cares about them. Just because someone leaves doesn’t mean they no longer believe in Gott.”
“Is he going to come back?”
“I doubt it.” He didn’t want to talk about his cousin anymore. “When your parents and I came back from the doctor’s, you were gone. Where did you go?”
Her eyes widened again, and she looked away. “For a walk. I went to the—”
“Don’t say the pond, because I checked there.”
She gave him a steady stare. “Well, I did go there first. Then I walked farther. As my family says—” she put on a silly expression “—I’m fanciful with my head full of daydreams and nonsense.”
He narrowed his eyes. “You aren’t nearly as out of touch with things as you would like your family to believe. I believe you’re quite smart and intuitive.”
Her facade changed to a mix of shock and...pleasure? “You think I’m...smart?”
“Why wouldn’t I? You seem smart to me and quite capable.”
She straightened and stood a little taller.
But before she could distract him further, he said, “I told you that you need to tell me where you’re going.”
She gave him a tight smile. “You weren’t here.” She turned toward the buggy. “You want me to help you with finishing up?” She was changing the subject.
He should press the issue, but he didn’t want to argue with her, didn’t want to scare her away. He wanted things to be pleasant between them. “I would like that. Next time, tell someone where you’re going. I know you don’t understand or believe it, but I do feel responsible for everyone here while your vater is recuperating.”
“But you’re not. I can take care of myself.”
“Sometimes your family may not notice you, but I do.”
She gifted him with a sweet smile that made his brain a little fuzzy.