Greg looks at me, astounded. Despite promising myself there’d be no more lies, I still couldn’t pluck up the courage to tell him the whole truth and name names, principally because I’m not sure he could handle that right now. In fact, I think it would break him. Plus, there are other people’s feelings at stake, not just his. All I told him was that Julia had some kind of fixation with me and turned nasty when I didn’t reciprocate her advances, and that later, when she saw me with my lover, she threatened to talk if I didn’t agree to her demands.
‘So you spoke to the partners about her?’
‘Just Graham Small.’ Another lie. Small was the senior partner at the time, but I never talked to him.
‘And he agreed to Julia’s terms?’ Greg is right to sound amazed.
‘Yes,’ I nod, swallowing hard. Swallowing away my lies, my seemingly endless deceit.
Of course, it was you who spoke in confidence with Small because your voice mattered. He wouldn’t have listened to me, a lowly associate. You told him Julia had some serious scandal on you and had threatened to go public with it if she didn’t get a job at the end of her training contract. You never told him what she had on you – didn’t mention my name, thank God – but you did say if word got out it could seriously hurt the firm’s reputation.
‘And you kept this from the police?’ Greg asks.
He looks at me like he doesn’t know me, and he has every right. I’m not even sure I know myself any more. The fact is, I didn’t tell the police because I didn’t want our affair to get out.
I explain this to Greg, who’s appalled. As am I, looking back. I know I should have told them everything, but in my defence, I genuinely didn’t think Julia had anything to do with Heidi’s disappearance, on the basis that she got what she wanted, and seemed content with that. What’s more, I didn’t want to chance pissing her off again.
‘You should have told me and the police about her,’ Greg says. ‘It could have been relevant. That counts as perverting the course of justice, you know that, don’t you?’
‘I know, but I honestly didn’t think it could have been her. I mean, she stayed on at the firm after she qualified. Surely she wouldn’t have done that if she’d kidnapped Heidi?’
‘Who knows? She might have done, especially if she killed her.’
I shudder at this suggestion.
‘That’s what psychopaths do. They kill, yet happily maintain normal lives. How do we know she didn’t murder Heidi and get rid of her body? You’re less likely to suspect someone who’s right under your nose, aren’t you?’
He’s right, of course, but his brutal frankness is hard to take. I look at his face, distorted with hurt and anger, and I realize all he must see in me is a liar and a cheat. I wouldn’t blame him for never forgiving me, for hating me with every fibre of his being. Truth is, with every passing minute, I hate myself more and more.
‘I don’t recall the woman,’ he continues. ‘If she was a mature trainee, then she must be retired by now.’
‘There’s no reason why you should remember her. And yes, she must be in her mid-sixties now.’
‘So why have you bothered to tell me about her now if you don’t think she had anything to do with Heidi’s kidnapping?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say, pacing the room. ‘I guess because of the email. And because I’m desperate for any clue as to who’s trying to mess with us. Even if it wasn’t her who took Heidi, maybe she told someone else about my affair.’
‘Which explains why the email referred to you as a whore?’
Greg’s tone shocks me. It feels like an unnecessary comment, but I don’t react, because he’s obviously hurting. I just say calmly, ‘Yes. I can’t think of anyone else who saw me with him, so she’s the only one who could have gossiped.’
‘So where do we go from here?’ he asks.
‘I need to find her and question her.’
‘You? Don’t you mean the police?’
‘No. It needs to be me. I need to look her in the eye, hear it from her own lips.’
I expect Greg to protest, but he doesn’t, perhaps because he’s given up on us being able to make decisions together.
‘Greg, I never wanted to hurt you,’ I say, edging towards him. I try to place my hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs me off and looks at me with cold, mistrustful eyes.
‘I’m not sure we can ever come back from this, Chrissy. All I know is that I can’t be around you right now. I’m going to see if Dan can put me up for a few days.’
I open my mouth to speak, but he leaves the room without giving me a chance to say anything. Half an hour later, he’s gone, and I have never felt so unloved and so alone.