“I can’t help but feel like we’re running away from the fight while our mates run to it. And while it goes against everything inside of me to go in the opposite direction of Decebel, I know our job is equally as important as those on the front lines.” ~Jen
“Talk to me, Jennifer.” Decebel’s voice reverberated in Jen’s mind. She tightened down her end of the bond so she could still feel Dec, but he couldn’t keep bugging her to tell him what she didn’t even understand herself. It had been three days since she’d killed the she-wolf, Stephanie. It had also been three days since she’d had a decent night’s sleep. Jen had been trying to wrap her head around her tumultuous emotions, but the girl was struggling. She and the rest of the pack were preparing, both at the Serbia mansion and Romania mansion, to head to the refuge, but Jen’s mind had been far from her daily tasks.
“I swear if orcs jump out at us while we’re headed to the Deep Den, I will go all Legolas on them,” Jacque said as she, Sally, and Jen sat in the large kitchen of the Romania pack mansion. They were making a list of the remaining tasks that needed to be done before they migrated, for lack of a better term, and assigning various pack members to handle the jobs.
“Are we seriously calling it the Deep Den?” Sally asked.
“What about the Deep Keep?” Jacque said, waggling her eyebrows at them.
Jen forced herself to focus on the conversation and tapped her chin with a long fingernail. “The Deep Keep, hmmm. It has a nice ring to it. We’re headed to the Deep Keep, the DK.” She smiled at her redheaded best friend. “And you thought it didn’t need to have the word ‘deep’ in it.”
Jacque shrugged. “Whatevs. Don’t expect me to say you’re right because I won’t. Now, who is going to be responsible for food and water?”
“Jen, can the Serbian members gather their own provisions?” Alina asked.
Jen pulled out her phone and began typing a text message. “Yep, I’m on it. I’ll have Teodora, or Teo for short, Katarina, and Petra handle it. Teo and Kat both have mates who can help as well.”
Alina nodded. “Okay, good. I will get Adelina, Carmen, and Zara to—”
“Not Zara,” Sally said quickly. “Sorry, Alina, not trying to tell you what to do. But Zara’s had a rough few nights since Jen took out Stephanie. She’s doing better now. Rachel and I have kept an eye on her, but I think she needs to be near Wadim.”
Alina frowned. “I saw him carry her out of the main room. I should have gone and checked on her, but I thought…” Alina was talking more to herself than to Jen and the others. “I thought she just…”
Jen reached out a hand and placed it on Alina’s. “It’s okay, Luna,” Jen said gently. “You don’t have to take care of everyone.”
Alina’s eyes grew wet as she met Jen’s. “She’s lost so much,” Alina whispered.
Jen nodded. “She has. But now she has Wadim and she has us. She’s going to be fine. And she knows you care about her so don’t go thinking she’s feeling neglected either.”
“And really, she hasn’t wanted to talk about it with anyone,” Sally said, sounding apologetic.
Alina. “I just worry about her. I worry about all of you.”
“Wadim is good for her,” Jen said. “The Great Luna chose well when putting those two together. He’s not going to let her implode on herself. As for the rest of us”—Jen winked at their Alpha female, wanting to take the forlorn look out of Alina’s eyes—“we’ve obviously proven we’re like cockroaches.”
Jacque frowned. “We’re gross? Seriously, that’s what you’re comparing us to?”
“No. I mean, yes, I’m comparing us to cockroaches, but not because we’re gross. It’s because we’re hard to kill. Like cockroaches? Get it?” Jen smacked her forehead. “I swear, Red, sometimes you ruin some of the best comparisons because I have to explain them.”
“If you have to explain it, then it obviously wasn’t that great,” Jacque countered.
“I wouldn’t have to explain it—” Jen started, honestly feeling a little more like herself than she had in days, but was interrupted by Sally.
“OOOrrrr,” Sally said really loudly, “Or we could just tell each other how amazing we think we all are and that we love one another dearly.”
Jen and Jacque stared at Sally.
“What?” Sally asked.
“This is not Dr. Phil,” Jen said finally. Her voice was sharp. She hated when someone interrupted her witty banter. She needed something familiar to pull her out of the deep rut into which she’d fallen. And what was more familiar than arguing with her girls? “We are preparing for war, Watson. This is not time for coddling and fingernail painting.”
“Since when do coddling and fingernail painting go together?” Sally asked.
“Valid question,” Jacque said, nodding.
Jen’s head tilted ever so slightly as she narrowed her eyes on Jacque. “Really, though? Really, is it a valid question?” Jen could feel the ever-growing tension that had been building inside of her begin to push against the box in which she managed to force it.
Jacque started to answer her but stopped when Alina held up a hand.
“Alright, not Zara, so it will be Adelina, Carmen, and Daciana who will handle the provisions here. Sally, will you oversee that?” Alina just started talking, completely ignoring the conversation they’d been having.
Sally gave Alina a thumbs up.
Jen looked down at her list and then grinned. “I think I should be in charge of the weapons cache.”
“Do you even know what a cache is?” Jacque asked, her brow raised as she pursed her lips at Jen.
“It’s a stash of stuff, usually cool stuff. No one bothers to stash anything that it isn’t cool. In this case, it’s a stash of things that can maim and kill,” Jen said. “Definitely cool. And we all know I’m good at stashing, maiming, and—” she paused, unable to attach the last verb to herself no matter how true it might be. “So, boom, done deal,” she finished flatly.
Alina laughed, though it sounded forced. “Alright, you can handle that, but you will be working with Cyn. She and Thalion have been creating weapons for the battle against Thalion’s father, but they’re going to donate some to those going to the Den.”
“Deep Keep,” Jen said. “Come on, Luna, you have to call it by its new name or it will never stick.”
“Great Luna forbid that the name of our hideout not stick,” Sally said dryly.
Jen’s head whipped around to the healer. “Don’t get cute. Imagine if your parents had never called you Sally, then your name wouldn’t have taken and where would you be then? Nameless, that’s where. We’d all go around saying, ‘Hey you, without the name’, or ‘Hey, nameless chick’. Is that what you want for our Deep Keep? For it to be the nameless refuge?”
“Ooo, what about the Deep Keep Refuge?” Jacque said, ignoring Jen’s rant.
“That sounds more like the name of a band,” Sally said, also ignoring Jen.
Jen threw her arms up in the air. “It’s the Deep Keep. Get on board or jump from the train before I kick you off.” Harsh? Maybe, but it was better than actually kicking them, which she really wanted to do right now.
“Wow,” Jacque chuckled. “You’ve been wound up tight for a couple days now. What’s up?”
It was moments like these when Jen wished her best friends didn’t know her quite so well. “Nothing’s up,” Jen said, deciding suddenly that her shoes were the most interesting thing in the room. “Everything is decidedly down,” Jen mumbled.
She felt a hand run gently down her hair and knew the touch was Alina’s. The Alpha’s scent was unmistakable, as was the caring way in which she comforted. “I think we’ve got everyone assigned. Jacque, why don’t you and Sally go distribute the new assignments to the pack? I’ll call the Serbia mansion and make sure they know what to do and what time to be here tomorrow morning for departure to the Deep Keep.”
All three girls chuckled at Alina’s use of the new name for the pack refuge.
When Jen started to stand, Alina’s hand on her shoulder put gentle pressure, letting her know she didn’t want her to go just yet.
Jen looked at Jacque and Sally as they marched out of the kitchen. “I’ll catch up with y’all later,” she told them.
When they were gone, Alina took the seat across from Jen and met the girl’s eyes. “Are you alright?”
Jen closed her eyes, squeezing them tightly to keep back the tears that wanted to fall. “I think I’m just tired. I haven’t slept well in a couple of nights.”
“Since you put Stephanie down?” Alina asked bluntly.
Jen appreciated that the female Alpha didn’t dance around the topic. Alina just laid it out there for all the world to see. She didn’t like that the woman had hit the proverbial nail on the head. Jen nodded in response.
“I have taken many lives over the course of the centuries, Jen. Some I remember, others I don’t. But I have never, ever forgotten the first time I killed. It was during the werewolf wars. A young male. I did what I had to do at the time. But even now, hundreds of years later, I still see his face at night sometimes when I close my eyes.”
“Does it ever get easier?” Jen asked quietly.
Alina shook her head. “And Vasile and Decebel would tell you the same thing. Taking a life, whether justified or not, is never easy, and it will always affect you. We are created beings, not creators. Because we are not creators, neither are we meant to be destroyers. It should go against our nature to attempt to uncreate something. It should be difficult for us to take the breath of life out of a living being. And the day that it no longer affects you is the day you need to take a long look at yourself and the condition of your soul.” Alina stood and leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the top of Jen’s head. “Stop hiding this from your mate,” the alpha female chided.
Jen’s eyes widened as she looked up at the older female. “How?”
There was a sparkle to Alina’s eyes when she answered. “You are still so young, so headstrong. How quickly you forget one of the main reasons we have mates is so we might bear one another’s burdens. You wouldn’t be this eaten up over your actions if you’d have talked to your mate about the situation.”
Jen looked at Alina with wide eyes.
The Alpha smiled knowingly and cut her eyes to a spot over Jens’ shoulder. “Also, he’s standing in the doorway looking worried and frustrated.”
Jen whipped around to find the mate in question, standing, staring at her, his amber eyes boring into her.
Alina walked past Decebel and patted his shoulder. “Go easy on her, Beta,” she said to him as she smiled back at Jen.
“Traitor,” Jen muttered as she narrowed her eyes on Alina. The alpha female just chuckled as she left them alone in the kitchen.
Decebel stepped further into the kitchen as he continued to stare at her. “Jennifer, baby, what’s wrong? You’ve been closed off for days. I’ve tried to give you space, but that’s not working. Talk to me, please.”
Jen stood, unable to meet his eyes. She wished he’d yell and growl at her. She knew how to deal with a yelling and growling Dec. But this Decebel, the one who is hurting just as much as she is, because she is, this Decebel slayed her. “Can we take this somewhere else?” Jen asked finally. She knew she was going to have to tell him about the stress she was dealing with, but she didn’t really want someone looking for an afternoon snack sauntering through the kitchen and providing them with an accidental audience.
“Rachel is in the suite with Thia,” Decebel said. “Is the garden okay?”
The indoor garden of the Romania mansion might as well have said ‘Therapy Room’ on the door because it was often the destination of deep conversations.
“Alright,” she said as she took his offered hand and let him lead her out of the kitchen.
“Talk to me, Jennifer,” Decebel said again as they walked into the indoor garden, a place that she, Sally, and Jacque loved.
“What is there to say?” Jen asked, trying to keep the irritation from her voice and failing miserably. She was irritated. Actually, she was beyond irritated. She was suddenly downright pissed. But, she’d matured over the past two years and had been trying to learn to hold her tongue. It sucked.
“You’ve barely said anything to me for the past three days. You won’t open the bond more than enough for me to feel you’re alive, and you haven’t made fun of anyone in at least thirty-six hours. I have a feeling there is much to say but, for some reason, you’re scared to say it.”
“Scared?” she said through gritted teeth, the word leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. She was scared of a lot of things, but speaking her mind wasn’t one of them. She was scared of hurting someone with her sharp tongue when she felt out of control of her emotions. She was scared she would lose herself in the war that was knocking on their door. She was scared of losing someone she loved. She was scared the entire world was going to implode on itself because of all the stupid supernaturals in their world. Why the hell couldn’t they just go back to their own realms? Why did they have to invade the human realm and act like they had some claim to it? Just because humans could be selfish pricks didn’t mean they didn’t have a right to live out their selfish-prickish lives without being forced to bow down at the feet of overinflated, egotistical supernatural beings with sticks up their asses.
“Okay, that’s a little better,” Decebel said, sounding amused.
Jen’s head whipped around to face him. “You heard that?”
He nodded. “You’re feeling quite emotional at the moment, and it’s coming through loud and clear.”
She growled at him, which only made his stupid, handsome grin grow wider. Stupid bond, stupid wolf.
“You know I won’t let anything happen to you or Thia, right?” Decebel asked. He ran his hand up her back and under her hair until he could wrap his hand around the nape of her neck. He gave a gentle squeeze, and she knew it was meant to comfort her, but all it did was make her want to bite him, and not in a good way.
“I’m not worried about me, Dec,” she said, which was a partial lie, stepping away from his grasp and liking the growl he emitted, which was little too strong for what the situation warranted. “I can handle myself.” A little too well, she thought but didn’t say out loud. “I can take care of our daughter.”
“Then what do you need me for?” he asked as he narrowed his, now glowing, amber eyes on her.
She rolled her eyes. “Eye candy, duh.”
“Jennifer.” He growled.
“Decebel.” Jen growled back, mimicking his irritated tone.
Apparently, he’d reached the end of his rope with her as he snarled and slammed his fist into the wooden gazebo that sat at the center of the garden.
“Way to go, brute. Take it out on the poor gazebo. Like it spit in your kibble or something,” she said as she glared at her mate.
“TALK TO ME.” He practically roared at her.
Jen’s wolf pushed at her skin, wanting to take a swipe at their mate for being a butthead. Why did he have to push? Why couldn’t he just let her worry and fret and freak the hell out in peace and quiet? “FINE,” she snapped. “You want me to talk?”
“No, not at all. Please, by all means, brood in silence and push all of those who love you away. Because that’s healthy for everyone,” he said, the sarcasm in his voice thick.
“Don’t be coy, Dec. It isn’t attractive.”
“Talk.” He growled again.
“I’m worried about everything!” she yelled, and it was the final straw for her. The dam that had held everything inside broke, and it all came pouring out. “I’m worried about the fact that I had no problem ripping a woman’s throat out and that I might actually have enjoyed it. I’m worried about my friends, our pack, all the oblivious humans who have no clue about the monsters living in their midst who want to subject them to a life of servitude and injustice because they think they have a right to.
“I’m scared that no matter how hard we fight back we are destined to lose because, let’s face it, B, the good guy doesn’t always win. This isn’t a damn comic book where we kick ass with hilarious words in block letters and emerge victorious. This is real life and real life freaking sucks! I’m afraid that even if we do win, somehow, what kind of world will be left for Thia, Titus, and Slate? What kind of future will they have?
“What happens if humans find out about the supernatural world because of the Order or the war that is about to unfold? Seriously, look how they reacted when women wanted to vote and people of different colors wanted to coexist in peace together as equals. Yeah, neither of those things went over real well if you remember. So honestly, how do you think they’re going to handle it when they find out there are all sorts of different, freaking species out there? Let me tell you how they’re going to respond. They’re going to go batshit crazy. They’re going to start running around yelling, ‘The sky is falling’ and picking up pitchforks and shovels, ready to kill anyone they believe is different than them. It will be absolute chaos.” She was breathing hard when she finished and knew her own eyes were glowing with the emotions of her wolf.
“It’s good to see that you have a lot of faith in the species you grew up knowing,” Decebel said. His eyes were glowing, but they’d softened a bit as he stared at her.
“My lack of faith is because I grew up knowing them,” Jen retorted. “History repeats itself because we tend to be hard-headed in learning our lesson. I have a right to be skeptical that humans can handle the reality of supernatural beings. They may like to read fiction books about them or watch TV shows and movies about them. They may find the idea of them romantic, but I assure you the reality of them wouldn’t go over as well.”
He was quiet for a moment, simply watching her as Jen tried to reassemble her shattered emotions. If she was honest with herself, she’d admit that she felt a little bit better having gotten all that off her chest.
“You know I will never judge you, right?” Decebel asked, breaking the silence. “I won’t poke fun at you or mock you. I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t talk to me.”
Jen met his eyes, which had finally stopped glowing. “I know that, Dec.” And she did know that. Her mate was not a vindictive person. He did not take pleasure in her failures or her whiplash-causing emotions. “Honestly, I was worried before I killed Stephanie, but adding that to the mix seemed to magnify all the other emotions. You tried to tell me.” Jen sighed. “But I was hell-bent on dealing out justice myself. I just saw her holding Titus and then saw the look on Sally’s face, Dec.” She paused as her voice cracked under the memory. “Sally’s been through enough. And that psycho Order puppet thought she would get away with threatening a pup from our pack, Sally’s pup? I couldn’t let it stand.”
Decebel stepped closer, until the toes of their shoes were touching, and she could feel the heat coming off his body. He cupped her cheek in one of his large, callused hands and tilted her head back a bit so she had to look up at him. “The kill was justified, Jennifer,” he said gently in his rumbly, deep voice. “I wanted to keep you from having to endure these feelings, which is why I said I would handle it, but even if I’d have handled it the outcome would have been the same. She forfeited her life when she touched one of the pack’s pups.”
Jen closed her eyes as she let the truth of his words fill her. He would have done the same thing. He would have put Stephanie down. Why did that give her peace? Why did that ease the guilt just a bit? Maybe because Jen had felt she might have been out of control when she’d killed the she-wolf, and it worried her that it might have skewed her judgment. But if her mate said the kill was justified and he would have done the same thing, then that was enough to help her cope with the decision she’d made.
“Thank you, B,” Jen said as she opened her eyes and looked up at him.
Decebel’s lips turned up ever so slightly as he gave her a small bow of his head. Then he leaned down and pressed his lips firmly to hers.
Jen wrapped her arms around his neck and hoisted herself up so she could wrap her legs around his waist. She couldn’t stop the grin when Decebel groaned as he slid his hands up her thighs and around to her back.
She felt the familiar butterflies she got in her stomach every time Dec touched her as he pulled her tighter against him. When they finally separated, both breathing a little harder, Jen bit the bullet and said what she needed to, what her mate deserved. “I’m sorry for not talking to you about all of this.”
“And for shutting me out?” Decebel asked.
“Yes, and for shutting you out,” Jen agreed.
“And for pushing me away?”
Jen’s brow rose. “Isn’t that the same as shutting you out?”
Decebel shook his head. “I mean when you physically pushed me away the past two mornings.”
“Seriously? I had to pee and you were delaying that. I’m pretty sure me peeing on myself is not one of your fetishes. If I hadn’t pushed you away we would have found out for sure.”
Decebel shrugged. “All I wanted was a kiss. You pushing me away instead of giving me what I wanted just made me want to detain you more.”
“What are you, 13?”
“I’m a male, Jennifer, and I want the attention of my female.” He growled, though humor danced in his amber eyes.
“Alright, fine, you win. Tomorrow morning, I will pee on you to make sure you feel attended to.”
“Always have a reply, don’t you?” He grumbled as he started walking toward the door of the garden room, still holding her in his arms with her legs wrapped around him.
“Where are we going?” Jen asked.
“To relieve Rachel of Thia duty. I need to spend some time with my girls. You’re heading out tomorrow morning. My wolf is already going crazy.”
Jen leaned forward and laid her head against his shoulder as she thought about his words. She hadn’t allowed herself to dwell on the fact that they were going to be separated. Her wolf hated the idea and Jen understood it, but she didn’t like it either.
“I would like it to be noted that being the adults and the good guys and making sacrifices for people who will probably never even know, sucks.” Jen huffed.
“Noted, baby. I will be sure to inform our enemies that you are quite put out with them causing a ruckus and putting us in a situation to have to make these sacrifices,” Decebel said.
“Kick them in the balls for me too.”
“As you wish.”
“Princess Bride.” She laughed and pressed a kiss to his neck. “I love you, Dec.”
“As you wish, Jennifer.”
Her smile widened as she whispered the movie lines. “She realized what he was really saying was ‘I love you’.”