Chapter Sixteen
“Are you coming?” Hayden glances back at me.
I need to decide fast.
Looking down, I kick at some loose gravel in a sudden surge of anger. Why does everything have to be a choice between one thing or another?
It would confuse everyone if I entered the girls’ bathroom. Plus, the boys’ room will probably have a stall, but I don’t know for sure—I’ve never used it before. I’m frozen in place, unable to move in either direction.
“I’m fine,” I lie. “I’ll wait for you out here.”
Once everyone’s finished, we return to the main path, and my anger turns into frustration. Hayden’s already made the choice to use a boy name and pronouns. For me, it doesn’t feel that simple.
Mattie and Elliot take off at a run, following signs toward the puppet theater. Brightly colored structures line the road on either side of us. I spot an old woman peeking out of a huge shoe-shaped house, then a small carousel called the Wonder-Go-Round.
“Mattie! Ell! Slow down.” Mrs. Lubeck sighs, then turns back to us. “I have a hunch you’re not going to want to sit through the puppet show, correct?”
We both nod.
“I figured. You two can feel free to do your own thing, as long as you promise to stay inside the park. Meet us back by the theater in about half an hour.”
She takes off down the path, in pursuit of Mattie and Elliot.
“Let’s find a map,” Hayden suggests. “I think I saw one near the entrance.”
It’s quieter without the rest of his family around. Now would be a perfect time to tell Hayden my real name.
Before I can say a word, he points toward a big wooden board. “Found it!”
We stand in front of the map for a few silent seconds. A million ways to say what needs to be said run through my head. Too bad my mouth’s gone completely dry.
“Want to check out the”—rising to his toes, Hayden reads off the small print in the upper corner of the map—“Jolly Trolly?”
“Sure.” The word comes out high and squeaky, but he doesn’t seem to notice.
“Looks like it’s on the other side of the park, so maybe we can find another ride before we get there.”
We follow the signs and before long, we come across a statue of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland standing in front of a tunnel.
Hayden and I glance at each other. We enter together.
Light floods the tunnel from both ends, highlighting artwork on the walls. I recognize scenes from Alice’s adventures, like the door she tried to chase the rabbit through once she arrived in Wonderland. Beside it, there’s a tiny bottle that says Drink Me. Hayden points out a painted biscuit marked Eat Me.
We head farther in, past a wall of flowers beside a window cutout. It’s fenced off, but we can still peek through to the outside world.
“Sorry if this is boring.” Hayden’s eyes drift to the playing cards painted on the tunnel’s ceiling. “Mattie and Elliot like the same things, which means I almost always get outvoted.”
Hayden shrugs. “She used to have my back when we were younger. Now that she’s almost done with high school, she spends more time on her own doing whatever, you know?”
I don’t. Tamar and Eli don’t really do much together, either.
We press up against the wall to let a group of kids pass.
Why is it so hard to switch subjects and get this over with?
Hayden glances back at me. Heart hammering, I catch up to him. Now or never.
“So, I need to tell you—”
“Do you have any—”
We both stop mid-sentence, waiting for the other to finish. I open my mouth at the same time that Hayden repeats the first two words of his question.
His laughter bounces off the tunnel walls. “You first.”
I shake my head with a sheepish grin.
“You sure?” I give him a stiff nod. “Okay. I was just wondering if you have any brothers or sisters.”
Relief replaces my jitters. “It’s just me and Mom. My best friend, Tamar, is almost like a sister, though. We both skate and hang out a ton, plus our families go to temple together.”
Hayden nods, encouraging me to continue.
“I have some friends through my homeschool program, too, but it’s all online. Most of them don’t live in San Francisco.”
My phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s almost like Tamar knew I was talking about her. She’s not free until tomorrow afternoon, according to her text.
I type up a response.
10:28 a.m.: Movie night then?? (I need to get a haircut too btw)
Tamar’s response buzzes in fast.
10:28 a.m.: OK YES
10:29 a.m.: I can be your stylist!
10:29 a.m.: Alsoooo I videoed my intermediate moves for your review
“That’s cool.” Hayden watches me text with interest. He looks like he’s waiting for me to say something.
“What about your friends?”
Hayden looks away. “I haven’t made any yet here, except for you.” He takes a few steps forward, following the tunnel’s curve.
“I mean where you used to live. Back in Minnesota.”
“Oh.” Hayden doesn’t say anything at first. His gaze moves from the phone in my hand to the tunnel walls, where the playing cards have sprouted legs and arms. “It’s—I don’t know—hard to keep in touch when we’re so far apart.”
This seems like a weird answer. Even if he doesn’t want to write letters, he could text.
The tunnel ends before I can say anything. We step out into the sunlight. Life-size playing cards tower over us, creating a barrier from the rest of the park.
“It looks like a maze,” Hayden says. “I wonder if it’s actually hard to find your way out.”
We explore it, guessing which way to take when we have a choice, backtracking when we find a dead end. Eventually, we stop in front of a wall of playing cards that have fun-house mirrors across their stomachs.
Hayden leans close to one and his head doubles in size. I jump, arms up. My reflection stretches tall and thin. We’re both grinning by the time we find the exit.
From there, it’s only a short walk to the café and the train. As Hayden orders a hot dog, I rub my hongbao between two fingers, then step forward before he can pay, and order popcorn. “I’ve got this.”
A high-pitched whistle pierces the air. Hayden and I board a compartment near the back of the train, taking a seat across from each other.
Hayden unwraps the silver foil from his hot dog. “So, I was curious about something after your mom called my parents.”
“Yeah?”
He tears off a piece of hot dog bun and leans closer. It only takes him a couple of seconds to chew and swallow, but in that time my heart leaps from my chest to my stomach and back again.
“Yeah. I was curious how good of a skater you are.”
“Um.” What does this have to do with the phone call with Mom?
I shake my popcorn bag, letting the un-popped kernels settle at the bottom. “Are you asking, like, on a scale of one to ten? Or…?”
“Anything. Like, are you trying to make it to”—his eyes drop to my shirt—“US Nationals?”
“Kind of. Except there are no more Nationals, at least, not at my level.” I purposefully don’t tell him that I won last January. I don’t want him looking up the list of champions. No one named Alex won in any division last season. “Now I’ll go to a special training camp if I qualify. If I do well at the camp, they might ask me to represent the US in another country one day.”
“Whoa.” Hayden’s eyes widen. “I so want to see you skate someday.”
An image of myself performing in my new dress flashes through my mind. I chew on my lip.
“I bet you don’t have cones to separate skaters when you’re practicing.”
“Nope. Everyone does their own thing on freestyle ice.” The train whistles again as it chugs back to the station. “My last session is about an hour before skate-school starts, if you ever want to watch. There are lots of really good skaters who train on it.”
“That’d be awesome. I’ll see if I can get to the rink early sometime.”
The train slows to a stop and Hayden hops down fast, crumpling up his hot dog wrapper as he heads away from me. He lifts his hand like he’s dribbling a basketball, jumps up, and slam-dunks his hot dog wrapper into a trash can. He turns back to me, brows raised.
I know a challenge when I see one.
Balling up my popcorn bag, I lift my arms and lunge forward into a cartwheel, spinning on my heel once my feet hit the ground. I drop my trash into the can with a flourish that’d definitely get a nod from Miss Lydia.
“Okay, you win.” Hayden grins. “I would land on my head if I tried that. Race you back to the theater!” He takes off running, and I tear after him, dodging people the same way I zip around skaters at the rink.
Without warning, Hayden slows. I skid to a stop, calves burning.
“I’m glad we met,” he says once he catches his breath. His eyes are fixed on the ground, voice quiet. “Maybe this sounds dumb, but I didn’t want to move here this summer. Then my great-aunt Becca died and gave us her house, so…” He kicks a stone. “It’s not like Minnesota was all that great, either. It’s just hard to make friends in a new place, you know?”
My pulse slows. It’s almost back to normal, but a heaviness stays, just under my rib cage. In the distance, Mattie and Elliot appear under the puppet theater’s sign. They spot us and take off in our direction.
Hayden turns to me. “I know you’ve got your skating and Tamar and other stuff, but maybe we could hang out again sometime? If you want.”
In the seconds before his family reaches us, I nod. “That’d be cool. Plus, there’s still a lot of the park we haven’t seen today yet.”
His expression brightens, and my insides twinge a little. Maybe I’m not a boy like he thinks, but it doesn’t feel right to call myself a girl, either. I need to find a word that describes this in-between feeling.
Until then, I’ll have to keep pretending.