It was after midnight and I was still at my desk. I was looking out of the window, remembering Mount Nebo. The chestnut trees were in new leaf and the rain was coming down so softly through the streetlights the drops drifted as if snow was falling. The street was deserted. It was the best time, and I was content to be alone. I had restored Winifred’s photograph to its former place on my desk and had set Dougald’s battered copy of Leichhardt’s Journal beside her. Dougald’s mother’s stick was propped in the corner within reach beside my chair. In ten days Vita would be with me again. She was to attend the annual conference, and afterwards we planned to travel and to see something of Europe together. As she had feared, her friendship with her new boyfriend of the narrow shoulders had not blossomed and once again she was waiting for the black prince to rescue her from spinsterhood.
I was remembering a certain day after Dougald and I had returned from our expedition to Gnapun’s cave. We were to go to Sydney together and he had asked me to cut his hair. I set a chair out in the yard in readiness for this operation and was sitting at the kitchen table looking out the door waiting for him to finish feeding the hens. The two brown dogs were sprawled on the concrete in the shade of the gum tree. I watched Dougald making his way up the path towards the hen run, the blue plastic bucket of mash in the crook of his arm. He had aged greatly since our return and I was concerned about him. He was wearing his blue overalls and a brown beanie. He had lost weight and the overalls hung on him loosely, as if he had borrowed them from a bigger man. When he reached the hen run he stood at the wire gate, steadying himself against the post, gathering his strength. It was clear to me that he had begun to fail and had not recovered from the hardships of the journey into the escarpments. It surprised me that my own health had not suffered any lasting setback from the experience. I watched him lean and fumble with the latch on the wire gate to the hen run. The gatepost sagged and the latch was inclined to catch. The post needed re-setting and the wire tightening. He had spoken of his intention to make these repairs and I had said I would help him. But I am confident neither of us believed we would ever do it. Sitting there watching him, I thought how one day soon the hens would be gone and the old wire enclosure would be overgrown by blackberries, or by one of those thorny bushes that had flourished since the death of the goat. He had the gate open and rested for a breath before stepping into the enclosure. His bitch remained outside, guarding the opening. But there was no need for her to guard it, as the hens were fussing around Dougald’s boots. He tipped the mash along the length of the trough for them, taking care not to spill any into the dust. I watched him making his way back along the path. Perhaps, after all, I had caught a glimpse of the Promised Land from Mount Nebo. He was my hero. The end came swiftly.
We were in Sydney staying with Vita. I was to fly home to Germany within the week. He promised to visit me in the summer, when we would be tourists together for a while. We were at a restaurant overlooking the beach in Manly having lunch with Vita and some of her friends, when he leaned and touched my arm and murmured that he was not well. I knew at once there must be something seriously amiss and I had the waiter call a taxi immediately. Dougald collapsed before the taxi arrived. He survived for three days, then suffered a second, more severe collapse. Vita and I were with him in St Vincent’s Hospital when he died. Before his second stroke—if that is what it was that felled him in the end, for the doctors did not seem sure of how to name his malady—he said to me, ‘It’s time for me to go over to the Old People, old mate.’ I understood that he was not unhappy with this death and that he even welcomed it. Vita was distraught. It was her first intimate loss. At the funeral she clung to me and wept helplessly on my shoulder throughout the service. That night she said to me, ‘I want to know everything. You must tell me everything.’ I promised her that once I was home in Hamburg I would write an account for her of my journey with Dougald into the escarpments of the Expedition Range. I gave her my journal to read that night and in the morning she said ‘Massacre’ made up for the shitty paper I had written for the Hamburg conference. ‘But I still want to know everything. Uncle Dougald never told me any of that stuff about Gnapun.’
I began writing this account for Vita six months ago. I was working on it for only a few days when I realised the story of our journey to Gnapun’s cave told in isolation would not offer her the true dimensions of the experience for either Dougald or for myself. So I began with the day Vita and I met, the day I had planned to be my last, until she convinced me I had another life to live. Now I was impatient to see her again and was wondering what new challenge she would set for me.
The rain had stopped. I reached for my stick and got up and switched off the study light and stumped out into the sitting room. I poured myself a shot of whisky—yes, I have become a whisky drinker in my old age, but I take it without the tablets. Perhaps I would disclose my next task to Vita before she had a chance to suggest it to me. I was no longer the grieving, defeated old man she had rescued from suicide that day, but had perhaps become more the man she had thought worth rescuing. To write of my father’s war, to venture into the darkness of my family’s silence, no longer seemed to me to be utterly taboo and an impossibility. Whether my father’s story might best be written as history or as fiction, however, I could not yet say. There was much work to be done and I was looking forward to getting started on it.
I switched on the television. There was an old Greek film on. It had evidently been running for some time. After I had been watching it for a few minutes I remembered that Winifred and I had seen the film together more than thirty years earlier. Although I had forgotten much of the story, I enjoyed the broken fragment of the film as greatly as I had once enjoyed the whole of it. But there, it is all fragments, and in the midst of it we may know this sense of completion.