“Oh my goodness, I’m about to come,” Loraine whispered, then suddenly she gasped, her back arched, and her body shook in small convulsions. “Oh, Michael…,” she moaned.
She thought I was asleep, but I could hear my wife masturbating next to me. It wasn’t the first time. It had almost become routine—after we made love and she thought I was asleep, she’d play with herself until she climaxed. Talk about a blow to a man’s ego; but it wasn’t as if I could get mad at her about it, considering that twenty minutes ago I lasted only about two minutes tops. My doctor suggested I offer to go down on her, but Loraine was from the old school. Only thing she wanted sniffing around down there was my dick. Regrettably, I just couldn’t deliver like I used to.
To make matters all that much worse, I’d just heard her moaning the name of that son of a bitch she had been fucking while we were separated. He was the subject of many an argument in my house. Not just because he was fucking my wife, who kicked me out when I hadn’t even done anything wrong, but because my wife still cared about the guy. Oh, she denied it all the time, but I don’t think she’d be moaning about a guy she didn’t give a shit about. I mean, hell, I was lying in the bed next to her, for Christ’s sake.
The idea that she might still feel something for this guy was not a surprise. I’d already found a stash of pictures and cards she’d been hiding in her closet. Women don’t keep shit like that unless they aren’t ready to let go of the memories. They keep the love notes around for those times when they want to reminisce. You should have seen how pained she looked when I made her throw them out.
I lay there for a while until Loraine’s breathing slowed down, and there was no more movement on her side of the bed. When she turned onto her left side, her favorite sleeping position, I curled up behind her until we were spooning. I wish I could say I drifted peacefully off to sleep, cuddled against my loving wife, but my mind just wouldn’t let go of the fact that she’d cried out Michael’s name. I loved my wife so much and was thankful that despite my shortcomings, she loved me too. But how much longer was she going to put up with a man who wasn’t satisfying her? Especially when the other dude was apparently so good at giving her what she needed that she was still fantasizing about him?
At this point, I had two choices. I could either lie awake all night and worry, or I could be up front with Loraine. After a year in therapy with Roberta, I knew which one I had to do.
“Big Sexy, you asleep?” I shook her shoulder. There was silence for about ten seconds. She didn’t even breathe, which told me she was awake, just surprised that I was also. She was probably wondering if I had heard her. I shook her again. “Loraine, you up?”
“I am now,” Loraine said groggily. “What’s with you? Can’t sleep?”
“That guy Michael. When was the last time you seen him?”
She didn’t answer my question until I nudged her from behind. “I don’t know, Leon. I told you last week it’s been a while. Why?”
“I heard you next to me. You called out his name.”
“Oh, my.” She fell silent. If she hadn’t already figured out that I knew about her masturbating, there could be no doubt now.
Neither one of us spoke for a long time. I lay in the dark and stared at the ceiling, wondering what was going through my wife’s head. Would she try to deny that she was thinking about him? I didn’t know how I would handle it if she did. I mean, the average brother would already be going off on his woman if she called out someone else’s name. I almost felt like I had to cut her some slack, though, because I knew I wasn’t holding things down in the bedroom. But if she tried to deny it now, I just might have to get loud. I really didn’t want to. Ever since we’d gotten back together, we were both trying hard to deal with things through talking instead of yelling.
“I’m sorry, Leon.” She rolled over to face me. “I’m so embarrassed that you caught me masturbating. It’s just that sometimes you finish so fa—”
I put my finger over her mouth in a hurry. No reason to hear her reminding me that I’d put in yet another minute-man performance. She hadn’t exactly owned up to the fact that Michael was in her fantasy, but my ego couldn’t handle the conversation if it was going to focus on me and my inadequacy.
“Look, Loraine, I know things still aren’t great in that area of our marriage, but I’m working on it.”
“I know you are, baby.” She leaned in and kissed me. “And I’m so glad that you are. I know it wasn’t easy for you to start seeing a therapist, but it means a lot to me that you’ve stuck with it. It tells me how much you care about making our marriage work.”
“I do. I really do care. It’s all I want, babe, for you and me to get back to the way we were in the beginning.” I planted a kiss on her lips. “Speaking of therapy, the doctor wants me to consider trying hypnosis again. She thinks she can finally get to the root of my problem. She thinks it might have something to do with my aunt.”
Loraine sat up in the bed. “You sure? Last time she hypnotized you, you almost had a breakdown. You barely get through the dreams now. This just might make things worse.”
“Maybe, but there’s a good chance it will make things better.” I took her hand. “Whatever is wrong with me, I’m going to figure it out and fix it. We’ve been through some very tough times together, but somewhere in this cloud there’s a silver lining. I’m just asking you to be patient until I find it.”
Loraine wrapped her arms around me. “Leon, I love you more than anything in the world. I’m not going anywhere.”