I sat back in my chair, nervously tightening my grip on Loraine’s hand when Roberta walked into the room. This wasn’t one of my usual Thursday afternoon sessions with my shrink. No, today was the day she was going to hypnotize me. I was dreading it, but I knew it was important that I try to get to the bottom of my issues if I wanted to keep my marriage.
Roberta turned and smiled at my wife. “Hey, Loraine. I didn’t know you were going to be joining us today.”
“Well, Dr. Marshall, considering what happened last time he was hypnotized, I thought I’d better be here for moral support.” Loraine let out a sigh. “I tried to explain to Leon that if you’re hypnotizing him just because of our problems in the bedroom, you don’t have to do this. I can live with our sex life the way it is. I love my husband. I don’t want him traumatized. He can barely deal with the dreams of his uncle beating his ass as it is.”
“I appreciate what you’re saying, Loraine, I really do, but this decision is not about you or me. It’s about Leon. Ultimately he has to decide if he wants to know his past or not, because without that knowledge, he can’t move forward.”
Loraine looked at me and patted my hand. “You don’t have to do this. We’ll be okay.”
I was happy that she’d come with me. She’d really stood by me when other women wouldn’t have, but no matter what she said, no wife could deal with this forever. “Yeah, I do. You can say whatever you want, but how long are you gonna be happy with half a man? I need to know why this is happening to me, Loraine. I need to know why I’m behaving the way I am so the doctor can help me figure out a way to fix it. I can’t live like this.”
“Well, with that being said, are you ready?” Dr. Marshall gave me an encouraging smile.
“Yeah, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” I glanced at my wife, almost hating to let go of her hand. My legs trembled, but I knew I had to go forth and face this challenge. If I didn’t fix my problems, I would never be the man this wonderful woman I married deserved.
“Loraine, I think it will be a little easier for Leon to concentrate if you’re not in the room. The slightest distraction and he may not go under.”
Loraine glanced at me, and I nodded. “Okay, but, Leon, honey, if you need me, I’ll be right outside the door.”
“I know, Big Sexy, and I love you for it.”
“I love you too.”
I watched my wife walk out the door, then sat halfway back in the chair, trying to relax. I still didn’t understand how this whole hypnotism thing worked, but it sure as hell did work, and that creeped me out. Maybe some memories were better off left buried.
Roberta dimmed the lights, then walked over and sat in the chair next to me. “Just relax, Leon. Loosen your hands. Take a deep breath,” she began in a slow, soothing voice. I unclasped my hands, which I hadn’t realized were clenched into fists. “Sit back in the chair. Let it recline until you’re comfortable.”
I did as I was told. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a steep cliff, not knowing whether I should jump. It was now or never. I couldn’t go on the way I was living.
“Do you remember how we did this last time?” she whispered.
“Uh-huh.” How the hell could I forget? I could still feel the sting from the strap my uncle used to beat the crap out of me. It was something I had successfully blocked out of my psyche until we unearthed it during hypnosis, but now it would never leave me. I was terrified knowing that I might be preparing to dredge up some more painful memories now.
She began speaking slowly. “I want you to listen to my voice. Block out everything but my voice. Can you do that?”
I nodded my head.
“Good. Now, I want you to close your eyes…. Take deep, slow breaths…. Relax…”
I closed my eyes and tried to slow my breathing.
“Now, we’re going to go on a little trip back in time. A happy trip to see your aunt Barbara. You want to see your aunt Barbara, don’t you? You want to relive those good times you shared, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Good. Now, I want you to count backward slowly with me, starting at ten.”
“Ten…nine…eight…seven…” We spoke in unison. By the time I made it to one, I was completely relaxed.
“Leon, can you hear me?” Roberta’s voice sounded like a faint echo.
“Yes, I can hear you, but you seem so far away.”
“That’s okay. Just listen to my voice. I want you to think about your aunt,” Roberta’s voice droned on. “I want you to think about a time she made you happy. Your mind should be clearer now. You should be able to remember. Now, go back in your mind and think of a happy time with your aunt.”
All of a sudden, I was thirteen again. My body was hurting me all over, and I could feel the welts on my back starting to swell from the leather strap my uncle had beaten me with. He was cursing my name while I cowered in a corner, waiting for the next blow. It never came, because from out of nowhere, Aunt Barbara threw her body in front of me, shielding me from his wrath. She’d never done that before, and I was both thankful and surprised.
“Leave this boy be, Charles! You gonna kill him with that strap.”
“Better he be dead than tell me no to anything,” my uncle shouted. “Now, you can stand in the way if you want to, but he best have that yard work done before I get home.”
Yard work! Was that what this was all about? He woke me out of my sleep and damn near beat me to death because I didn’t cut the grass.
The door slammed a few seconds later, and my aunt said, “Come here, baby. You okay? He didn’t hurt you again, did he?” I tried to hold back tears, but it didn’t work. Once I saw Aunt Barbara’s tears, the water works were unstoppable. For ten minutes, we held each other and cried.
“I hate him,” I finally yelled.
“Hate is a very strong word,” my aunt said. She got up and walked to a cupboard, bringing back a familiar jar filled with a white cream. “You don’t hate him.”
“I do. I hate him.”
“Don’t say that, Leon. Your uncle loves you. He just has a strange way of showing it sometimes.”
“If that’s what love is, I don’t want it. One day you’ll wake up and I’m gonna be gone.”
Aunt Barbara frowned like I’d hurt her feelings. “Would you really leave your auntie, Leon? Don’t you know you all I got in this world? I’d rather be dead than be without you, boy.”
“I’m sorry, Auntie, but if he keeps beating me like this, I have to leave. I’ve got no reason to stay—unless I want him to kill me.”
She turned me around and began tenderly applying the cream to the welts on my back one by one, and with each one, I felt myself relaxing.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, baby. Just make me one promise.”
“What is it?”
“Please don’t leave me.”
“I can’t promise that, Aunt Barbara. That man means to kill me.” No matter how kind she was, I didn’t know how much more of my uncle’s abuse I could take. It wasn’t just the beatings. The man was a control freak who wouldn’t let me off the property. Sometimes I felt like a slave put on Earth to cater to him.
Aunt Barbara was quiet for a while as she gently stroked my back. Finally, she spoke so quietly I almost didn’t hear her. “Well, then, baby, I guess I’m gonna have to give you a reason to stay.” She placed a hand on my shoulder and turned me around.
When I faced her, Aunt Barbara took me in her arms and kissed me on the mouth. At first, it felt like an innocent kiss, like when she would peck me on the lips before I left for school. But then, all of a sudden, she pushed her tongue into my mouth. This felt strange. I’d never kissed a woman before that, never even thought about it. All I cared about was playing ball and riding my bike.
I was old enough to know that what she was doing was not something an aunt usually did with her nephew. I thought for a moment that I should stop her, but this was Aunt Barbara, and I trusted that she would never do anything that would hurt me. Besides, while my mind was trying to process what was happening, my body had begun to respond, and it was feeling good. Before I knew it, I started tonguing her back, and we were kissing passionately like I’d seen people doing on the soap operas.
When we broke the kiss, my penis was as stiff as a board and she smiled at me in a way that made me feel like a man, not her nephew. I wasn’t really sure how I felt about that and was glad when she sent me to my room to get ready for school.
That’s when I heard Roberta’s faraway voice calling me.
I opened my eyes and looked around. I was disoriented, but I was no longer at Uncle Charles and Aunt Barbara’s house. “Where am I?”
“You’re safe,” Roberta said. “You’re in my office.”
I was looking for Aunt Barbara. I couldn’t believe what I’d just recalled, but I knew it was true that that was how things had happened.
“You okay? Do you remember what happened?” Roberta could see I was a little flustered.
“Oh my God. Yeah, I remember what happened…but I’m not sure I want to believe it.”
“What do you mean?”
“My uncle was always physically abusing me, and my aunt was always my comforter, my protector. But there’s something else.” I stopped myself from explaining further. It wasn’t like I could just blurt out the fact that I’d just relived my very first kiss with a woman, and the woman turned out to be my aunt. Even if she wasn’t my blood relation, it just wasn’t right.
“What is it, Leon?”
“I think I know why I like big women, but I don’t want Loraine to know.”