Do you feel nervous in situations where you will be meeting new people?SHYNESS AS YOU’VE come to experience it has been painful and you may even have felt hopeless about the possibility of changing this aspect of your personality. The good news is that you will soon come to see yourself differently. Before we move ahead with the steps to transform this externally imposed concept, which you have come to believe is your primary identity, it will be helpful for you to have a gauge of your shyness. It will assist in tailoring the exercises and suggestions to your personal style and comfort level.
Chances are you have seen or taken lots of this type of quiz. Circle a, b, or c for the answer that reflects the way you are most likely to respond to the given situation. Your shyness quotient will be tallied at the end of the questionnaire.
Do you feel nervous in situations where you will be meeting new people?
a. Never.
b. Sometimes.
c. Always.
Do you find yourself wishing you had more friends?
a. Never.
b. Sometimes.
c. Always.
You’re walking along and you see a friend walking toward you with someone you don’t know. Would you:
a. Greet both and converse for a few minutes before saying goodbye and moving on?
b. Wave as you walk by hurriedly, making it clear you have no intention of stopping?
c. Duck into the closest store in order to avoid them?
Do you tend to feel most comfortable:
a. With a few people you are close to?
b. With one good friend?
c. Alone?
Which scenario sounds most inviting to you?
a. Having a few people over for a quiet dinner.
b. Going out to a restaurant with one or two friends.
c. Having dinner alone while you watch an old movie.
When you go to a party, are you the guest most likely to:
a. Be one of the last to leave?
b. Leave when most of the other guests do?
c. Leave early?
You are on a long flight and the person next to you seems to obviously want to talk. Do you:
a. Engage in the conversation?
b. Talk for a while and then take out a book?
c. Pretend you’re asleep?
You are sitting at an outdoor café with a couple of friends. They get into a heated argument. Do you:
a. Remain in your seat even though you feel uncomfortable and wait for the argument to resolve?
b. Attempt to change the subject, perhaps with humor?
c. Excuse yourself and leave?
Do you tend to meet new people:
a. On your own?
b. Through friends?
c. At work, church, or school?
Would you say you have:
a. A lot of friends and acquaintances?
b. A few good friends and a lot of acquaintances?
c. A few acquaintances and not many friends?
Your best friend knows you will be alone on Thanksgiving, so he invites you to spend the day with his extended family. Do you:
a. Accept the invitation?
b. Arrive in time for dinner and then leave as soon as it seems polite?
c. Decline the invitation?
You meet someone you feel comfortable around and you would like to be closer friends with her. She invites you to her beach house for the weekend along with several other people you have never met. Would you:
a. Go for the weekend?
b. Go for the day and not spend the night?
c. Say you’re sorry, but you have other plans?
When someone is angry with you for something you feel is unjustified, do you:
a. Ask him/her to meet you for coffee so you can talk about it?
b. Wait a while, until he/she has had time to think about what happened and then call and talk on the phone?
c. Apologize even though you have done nothing wrong?
A person you are attracted to asks you on a date for the upcoming weekend. Do you:
a. Accept even though you feel anxious about it?
b. Tell him/her you are busy and ask if you can postpone until next weekend?
c. Decline the offer because it makes you too nervous?
At a party, do you feel most comfortable:
a. In the living room with everyone else?
b. In the kitchen, helping the hostess with the food and drinks?
c. Outside, playing fetch with the dog?
At the beginning of the semester, the instructor tells your class that an oral presentation will be required for completion of the course. Would you most likely:
a. Give the presentation even though you are very nervous about it?
b. Talk to your teacher about your fear of public speaking and ask if you can write an extra paper to satisfy the grade requirement?
c. Drop the class without talking to the instructor?
It’s your best friend’s birthday, and she’s having a small dinner party where the guests will be people you’ve heard about but have never met. Do you:
a. Go to the party and try to have a good time for her sake?
b. Arrange to take her out for lunch that day and skip the party?
c. Call and tell her you have the flu?
You are walking on the treadmill at the gym and a very attractive person on the treadmill next to yours tries to strike up a conversation. Do you:
a. Engage in the conversation?
b. Smile politely, letting him/her know you are interested, talk for a few moments, and then excuse yourself?
c. Say you’re late for yoga class and hurry off?
a. Large groups?
b. Small groups?
c. No group at all?
You’ve been shipwrecked on a deserted island. You can bring only one thing with you. Would it be:
a. Your closest friend or intimate partner?
b. Your dog (or cat)?
c. The entire collection of Harvard Classics?
You are out for dinner with friends. The person next to you talks with you, and during the course of the conversation he says he senses you are shy. Do you:
a. Disagree, pointing to the fact that you are talking with him?
b. Ask him to clarify what he means by “shy?”
c. Agree with him and then feel self-conscious?
Your idea of a perfect evening with an intimate partner is:
a. Going out to eat followed by the movies with another couple before you head home alone together.
b. Spending a quiet evening with friends at your house or their place.
c. Ordering takeout and renting a movie and staying home with each other.
It’s a beautiful, crisp Sunday in fall. Would you prefer to:
a. Call your closest friend and suggest he/she meet you for lunch and a walk in the park?
b. Stay home and email friends and family to see how they’re doing and let them know what you’ve been up to?
c. Go for a walk in the park with your earbuds plugged into your iPhone?
You were told by your boss you would be getting a raise in the new year. It’s now January and the paycheck in question arrives and you do not receive your raise, although coworkers have gotten theirs. Are you more likely to:
a. Talk to your boss and ask what happened, before letting him/her know that you expect your raise immediately?
b. Ask a coworker to inquire for you about the status of your raise?
c. Say nothing?
A friend has done or said something that has hurt your feelings. Do you:
a. Express to your friend the manner in which he/she hurt you and say you’d like to resolve this issue?
b. Tell yourself it’s no big deal and forget about it?
c. Stop talking to your friend without giving any reason?
You are upset with a family member over something he/she has done that you feel was wrong. Would you:
a. Suggest a time when the two of you can sit down and talk about it?
b. Say nothing is wrong if he/she asks if you are upset?
c. Tell yourself it’s none of your business and you really don’t have any right to be upset by his/her behavior?
A new love interest calls to cancel your date for that evening, saying he/she has to work late, and asks if you can go out on another day. Are you most likely to:
a. Say you understand and ask what day he/she has in mind for rescheduling?
b. Tell him/her you are very busy yourself, so you’ll call when your schedule clears later in the week to arrange another time?
c. Feel like he/she really doesn’t want to see you and is making excuses, so you say you can’t talk right now and get off the phone as quickly as possible, and do not return his/her calls?
There is an exhibition of your favorite artist at a large museum and you would really like to share the experience with another person. Would you:
a. Call a friend and ask if she’d like to join you?
b. Forward an email about the show, saying it looks interesting, and wait to see if she calls you to go along?
c. Contact no one and go alone?
Would you rather communicate with friends:
a. In person?
b. On the telephone?
c. Via instant messaging or email?
A close friend, whom you haven’t spoken to or seen for a while since he moved to another part of the country, calls you. You hear his voice on the answering machine as you screen your calls. Do you usually:
a. Pick up the phone and talk to him?
b. Call him back later, hoping to get his machine, but speak to him if he picks up the phone?
c. Email him, thanking him for his call and saying you’re sorry you missed him?
You might consider yourself shy, but you are aware of your strengths and you are not afraid to take risks that will enhance your relationships. You see yourself as capable of taking action despite any fear you may feel in a socially challenging situation. You may not call yourself extroverted by any means, but the manner in which you conduct yourself is with a great deal of courage and determination. You are willing to test your feelings of timidity in service to your goals and desires, which are important to you. You are committed to working hard to change the stigma of being labeled “shy” into a strength that will work in your best interest in order to achieve what you want most in life.
You are on the brink of being able to transform your shyness into strength. You recognize that the self-defeating behavior of negative thinking is holding you back and you are trying to change and grow. You continue to feel uncomfortable in unfamiliar situations and you also tend to avoid confrontation, but you are moving forward to face your fears. You know you have your work cut out for you, but you are definitely up for the challenge and success is in your near future.
You are really trying to undo years of habitual labeling. You have a strong desire to change and broaden your life to include others, but since you have difficulty trusting, this is not an easy task for you. You may have been deeply hurt in the past and feel safe and secure only when you are alone. You want to change this pattern, however, and you are willing to try to face your fears. All you need now is a willingness to try. The exercises in this book will be particularly helpful for you as you initiate this positive transformation in your life. You will need to proceed slowly, and feel free to amend the exercises to suit your comfort level so you have the highest chance for success.
Do you feel more at ease in: