A chaotic householdIS SHYNESS INNATE or learned? Much research has been devoted to the subject of nature vs. nurture regarding temperament. Mothers describe their babies as “easy,” “difficult,” “timid,” or “fearless.” Introversion and extroversion have been documented as inherent characteristics in infants.
So, perhaps you arrived in the world predisposed to being shy. Or maybe you learned to be shy due to the nature of your family or cultural environment. There’s no question, regardless of the origin, that once you have been labeled “shy,” it tends to become a personality description that is not easy to alter.
Jim, thirty years old, speaks of his upbringing in a large extended family:
“I divide my family into ‘hollerers’ and ‘screechers.’ We’re Italian and any holiday or family gathering included at least a hundred people, all of them talking and laughing louder than the next. The ‘hollerers’ tended to be the ones who seemed to like to carry on a conversation with someone on the other side of the room. The ‘screechers’ could be standing a foot away, but I guess they didn’t think you could hear them unless they yelled in your face. They weren’t angry or anything. Just very demonstrative and loud—very loud. Even in small groups. I can’t remember my family ever having a normal, remotely quiet conversation. It’s like they got stuck on one volume level, ten, and had no idea how to communicate at a two or three. I spent a lot of time in my room with the headphones on listening to folk music. Everyone said I was shy, but I just couldn’t stand all the noise. I got so good at being alone, it started being uncomfortable for me to be around people. Not just my family, but anybody. I liked being alone because I was used to it. I felt calmer in my own world.”
There are many childhood environmental factors that can contribute to the development of a “shy” personality. They include:
A chaotic household
Early trauma such as illness, accident, or loss of a parent
An emotionally unstable caretaker
Peer teasing
Frequent relocation
Academic difficulties
Any or several of these can contribute to some people developing a more timid approach when they needed to interact with others. In most of these scenarios, trust is the underlying issue.
People who identify themselves as shy often cite trust as a major problem. They either have little trust in others or place too much trust in people, which eventually leads to disappointment and a self-perpetuating cycle of hurt. We all desire to belong to a group, to have close relationships with others. Shy people often feel excluded from their right to attain this basic human need.
We can even develop a fear of intimacy, of getting too close to someone, due to our experiences because we dread that intimacy with another will only lead to abandonment and rejection and loss. The shy person then shies away from social contact because he or she anticipates a negative outcome of hurt and betrayal of trust.
But the answer doesn’t rest in isolation to avoid being hurt. Many shy people report feeling more comfortable when they are alone. No one can hurt us if we are alone. But as any person who experiences shyness can tell you, isolation doesn’t eliminate pain. It creates a different kind of pain—loneliness.
Shyness can actually be a great motivator to develop healthy intimacy. The need for clear boundaries has already been established. Having spent much time alone, you are comfortable with yourself. Do you know how lucky that makes you? Many people have great difficulty with solitude.
This is one of the gifts of shyness. You become more aware of yourself, and the pain you feel in separation from others is what can spur you into taking a risk to allow intimacy into your life.
MAKING A LIST
Get out a notebook and write:
A timeline of your life from your earliest memories to the present time. Include both negative and positive events.
Short, personalized bios of all members of your nuclear family. (“Personalized” here means your impressions of them.)
Describe each family member’s predominant personality traits, and the overall family dynamics that resulted from the personality mix.
When you were growing up, what was important to your family members in terms of how they related to you?
How did you feel you needed to “be” around them?
How do you feel each of them saw you as you aged?
Now look at what you’ve written and underline any event, circumstance, personality trait, relationship, or interpersonal dynamic that you feel might have contributed to your developing a shy approach to the world.
Was your father fearful and a “worrier”?
Was your mother obsessed with outer success and achievement?
Was your older brother the shining star you couldn’t match?
These observations are not the definitive answer to the reason why you became identified as shy, but it is helpful to trace back to the origins of where our beliefs were formed in order to change them.
Should you realize that the origin lies in some past trauma, you may want to seek out a therapist to talk to or join a group composed of others like you who are attempting to live more fully in the world. Therapeutic assistance can be very helpful in facilitating understanding of the nature of your fear so you can heal and move on to pursue your aspirations.
Not that this is an easy task. Solitude can become a way of life for some. The comfort/safety zone of detachment is measured against the uncomfortable feeling of being with others, and we can then hightail it back to our cozy dens of seclusion.
Choosing solitude out of fear is a painful way to exist in the world. In order to do this you must cut off many of your feelings, the primary one being your desire to feel the joy and enthusiasm that come from living a full and balanced life.
If you feel that your shyness stems from something in your past, you are fortunate. You can begin to understand that your feelings of isolation and loneliness have been externally imposed upon you and you are free to make a choice about whether or not shyness is hindering you in your desires and goals.
For most, shyness has become a habitual, reflexive way of “being” in the world. You can choose to end the self-defeating aspects of this behavior. After years of being labeled “shy,” the subsequent beliefs you have adopted about yourself can be redefined and changed. But all change requires courage. Courage requires motivation, and if you are motivated, you can release yourself from the bondage of a label imposed on you that is holding you emotionally hostage. Your negative assumptions about yourself and your view of shyness as a stigma will keep you from interacting from a place of joy and will dis-empower you from shining your unique, beautiful spirit in the world. If you are motivated, you will succeed. Anything worth it is difficult, but feeling fully alive and vibrant, self-confident and whole, is well worth the effort required.
If you think that shyness is a liability, a cross you have to bear, and are feeling hopeless about ever “fitting in,” think again. Our beliefs are formed early in life—some of them positive, some negative. Beliefs can be changed. They are simply constructs that we have come to hold as truths. There is nothing more defeating and debilitating than to repetitively engage in behaviors that bring painful results over and over again.
So it is with a belief system which no longer works for you. In order to change your attitude about shyness you first must understand how it has served you.
Using words like “overcoming,” “defeating,” “conquering,” and “eradicating” when describing transforming shyness will keep you on a treadmill of recycled pain. These words imply there is something wrong with you—which there is definitely not! (Statistics cite that more than 50 percent of the population describe themselves as shy to varying degrees.) The assumption that shyness is a foe that must be vanquished misses the point and, like trying to extricate yourself from quicksand, the more you struggle to remove shyness from your identity and experience, the higher the chances of failure, which only reinforces your hopelessness about the possibility of change.
What is needed is a complete and radical redefinition of what it means to be shy. We will use the term shy-strength, making the point that shyness can be something positive. Once you accept shyness as a part of you, you can choose which aspects you’d like to keep and discard those that are no longer promoting growth and optimism for the future.
You are a multifaceted being. There are many parts of you. Shyness is just one of them. Your desire to feel more connected to the world is another, equally strong aspect of your self. The need for security and safety is extremely important when exploring letting go of the aspects of shyness that are holding you back from your dreams. This will be clear when we reach the exercises and practices designed to assist you as you move toward having greater confidence in your interactions with the world. After years of avoidance, you can’t expect yourself to leap into social situations with the greatest of ease. Your need for safety must be honored, and this will be achieved with small steps and lots of practice in environments and with people you feel comfortable around.
“Look not mournfully into the Past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the Present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy Future, without fear…”
—HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW
Our egos are designed to maintain the status quo and to resist anything that threatens this—i.e., change. Any change is a threat to the identity we have constructed and come to believe is who we are. Even if it is for growth and greater well-being, a part of us will be resistant to transformation. This is where courage comes in, and the will to create a different mode of interaction with ourselves and others. The only battle you will engage in is with the habitual negative thinking that is keeping you stuck. The parts of you that want to live a rich, full, and rewarding life have been waiting a long time for their day in the sun. It’s time now to listen to them and give as much energy to the belief that you can be shy and live the life you desire as you have given the belief that shyness is a curse you must endure. We are what we believe. And you have the ability to freely choose what you believe about yourself.