Fear of judgment?THERE ARE MANY benefits to the trait of shyness. Having spent much of your life believing that shyness is anything but an asset, you may find it difficult to accept that this part of your personality is actually positive and useful.
The negative view of shyness is repeatedly reinforced by societal values. Culturally, we have come to place high value on extroverted traits such as ambitious assertiveness. It has been documented that people who describe themselves as shy tend to be passed over for promotions in the workplace.
Let’s face it. We live in a “Type A”–driven society, where the squeaky wheel seems to always reap the highest rewards. Aggressive posturing and intimidation have come to be accepted as normal business practice. We can all think of a boss, coworker, acquaintance, or friend who, through an overbearing, aggressively self-promoting attitude, not only maintains his or her position but is frequently rewarded with advancement.
What is a shy person to do? You can’t change yourself into an ambition-obsessed, aggressively self-assured extrovert, and why would you even want to?
The goal here is not to act like the Romans just because you find yourself in a Rome full of gladiators, but rather to find a way to navigate social situations, including your career, without succumbing to external pressure to be someone you’re not. If you believe that only aggressively assertive, non-shy people succeed in relationships and at work, this belief must be challenged with the facts. Shyness by its nature carries with it some remarkable qualities. The personal assets you possess are far more valuable in the real sense of what it means to be a moral, decent human being, which is ultimately the measure of true success.
Shy people are often described as very gentle, especially when it comes to dealing with others. Much of the literature on shyness focuses on the shy person’s inability to say “no,” their need for approval, and fear of rejection as the source of their increased empathy.
These are negative assumptions about the origin of a wonderful strength and gift: compassion. Since it is undervalued in our outer-success-driven culture, gentleness is often viewed as weakness. If you buy into this type of thinking you will remain feeling powerless. You will assume the outer negative identification and believe that because you are kind, you are fearful and weak. Nothing could be further from the truth.
You can choose to transform this old idea of gentility as weakness into the belief that it is an essential strength you are fortunate to possess. Compassion for others and for ourselves is a tremendous asset and source of energy that draws people to you. All it takes is a shift in your belief system. Whenever you think “fear,” replace it with “strength.” If you think “weakness,” remind yourself that this is an externally imposed idea that you are choosing to reject.
You may think, All I want to do is fit in and feel like everyone else. Truth be known, everyone is insecure about something. Without fear, we would never even have survived as a species. Everyone is fearful of one thing or another. To swim upstream against the current of popular assumptions and redefine them in order to find your place of strength requires you to be independent and brave. And guess what? If you are shy, you are extremely independent. No one knows what it’s like to have the responsibility for themselves and their thoughts, painful as they may be, as those who intimately know shyness. Years of longing to belong to the group have made you aware of the painfulness of separation.
Through solitude you have come to know yourself, what you may feel you have been missing out on and subsequently, what you want your life to look and feel like. You can change the traditionally held belief of solitude as loneliness into solitude as the way you have forged an independent spirit. Nothing is more frightening to most people than solitude. In fact, lots of extroverts became that way because they could not tolerate the feeling of being alone. It takes a great deal of courage to sit with oneself and examine one’s fears. Congratulations. You’ve done the hard work, now you can take this independent strength into the world.
Modesty is a strength admired by all. Think of the person who has attained great achievements in life (and these don’t have to be fame-and-fortune related) and have retained a sense of modesty. These are the people we tend to truly admire. Achieving success while keeping one’s modesty intact is not an easy task in the current world. Transform your thinking now about your “inability” to be aggressively self-promoting. Modesty is a quiet strength that the shy inherently possess. It is another outcome of the gift of shyness.
Our senses are currently assaulted daily with tell-all, spill-all, reality-obsessed entertainment that insults the spirit, especially the spirits of sensitive souls out there, like yourself. For you, the phrase “fear factor” relates more to fearing the lengths some people will go to to degrade themselves.
Tact and reserve are strengths that naturally reside in the realm of the shy. You can now begin to review your reluctance to enter into a heated and hurtful conversation as evidence of your ability to employ tact. So it also goes for harmful gossip and slander. These pursuits don’t interest you, not because, as you may have formerly believed, you can’t think of anything to say, but rather because you have no desire to participate in something that is destructive and painful to others.
Reserve and tactfulness are benefits of shyness that our present culture has deprived itself of. Be grateful for this gift.
Deborah described meeting a man who made an impression on her at a dinner party, and who radically changed her view of shyness. She said she first noticed him the moment she walked into the room because of his confident stature and the manner in which he was dressed. He was well groomed and elegantly attired. She said she soon forgot about him, however, because he spoke to no one. She had even forgotten he was there when they were all seated for dinner. He took his place and smiled politely, but did not engage in the chitchat of the dinner conversation. She remarked that he seemed friendly and not aloof or snobbish, just very shy and quiet. He laughed at the other’s jokes and nodded in agreement about the excellence of the food being served.
Deborah herself, being a reformed habitually shy person, felt she knew a fellow “sufferer.” The other guests ignored him and no one tried to engage him in conversation or ask him questions about himself. She said it was as if he was invisible. At a certain point, the topic of conversation turned to the merits or lack of merit in the current art world. After several minutes of a heated discussion around the table, the “shy” man spoke. All eyes turned in his direction.
There was a hushed silence at the table as this man spoke both eloquently and with great intelligence on the subject, offering several perspectives and possibilities for further discussion. It was then that Deborah realized that what had appeared as painful shyness was really a quiet strength. The man was perfectly comfortable being at the party, being himself and speaking when he felt moved to do so. She mentioned feeling a sense of awe that someone could be so comfortable with himself and his shyness that it actually made him come across as someone with a great deal of depth of character.
This man knew how to transform his shyness into shy-strength. At ease with himself, he was able to present himself in a social situation without feeling inadequate or nervous that his quiet demeanor would be judged negatively by others. He trusted that when he felt the need or desire to speak, he would.
Healthy self-esteem is often defined as the lack of insecurity. But, in fact, self-esteem has nothing to do with security. Self-esteem is the ability to place value in ourselves by accepting all parts of who we are, flaws and all.
Perfectionism is the enemy of self-esteem. Many shy people report feeling they need to be perfect in order to be accepted by others. Talk about setting yourself up for failure! Ask yourself if you would like to associate with only “perfect” people. Your answer should give you some indication of why you need to let go of the idea of perfection for yourself as the only way you will have friends, do well at your job, or find/keep a partner.
Alan Watts, a Zen teacher and writer, spoke of the “wisdom of insecurity.” Viewed in this way, our insecurities are our teachers and the lessons taught are powerful guides toward achieving self-confidence and awareness. If we felt terrific all the time, content with ourselves and perfectly happy with how we relate to others and the world at large, there would be no reason to change. And when nothing changes, nothing grows. Our insecurities help us redefine who we are and what we want, and give us the motivation necessary to implement these desires. Questioning ourselves is healthy, as long as it does not veer into the judgmental and harsh. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Insecurity is inherent in our existence.
Shy people understand this and sense the vulnerability and fragility of life, because they feel it within themselves. Insecurity is transformed into a shy-strength by acknowledging your gift of awareness of the preciousness of our limited time here. It’s why you want so dearly to make the most of it, and to feel connected to others. Insecurity is a liability when we take on the negativity of an emotion and make it a fact about ourselves that we then place belief in.
Most of us would feel uneasy if we reached out to someone and the person did not return our call. The negative, insecure thoughts might be: “He doesn’t really like me, he thinks I’m a pest, he doesn’t want to talk to me because I’m boring,” etc., etc.
The technique of “Thought Stopping” is especially important and helpful when our negative, judgmental voice begins to whisper incessantly in our ear, making us feel powerless and ashamed. (A discussion of Thought Stopping will follow in the next chapter.)
The difference between understanding insecurity as strength and getting stuck in negative insecurity is fear. Fear is the drive behind negative thought processes. It makes us react in ways we would not if we were in a centered place of security and confidence. When we react out of fear we cause problems for ourselves, the most common being feelings of regret and shame. Our fears may make us second-guess our decisions and convince us that a situation could have been handled better when we actually may have handled it well.
How many shy people have heard the statement “You’re so sensitive” or “She’s very sensitive” and then attributed a negative connotation to it? Sensitivity is another shy-strength that must be redefined if we are to embrace it as a unique and wonderful quality.
Shy people do tend to be more sensitive. By “sensitive” I mean empathic and compassionate. You are more sensitive to the feelings of others. Having spent a lot of time with yourself and your own thoughts, you have created a way of observing the world that is highly attuned to many things that others do not notice. Your gift of intuition is very strong. When you feel, it is with intensity. Joy, fear, sadness, happiness—when you feel something, you really feel it!
Practice sharing how you feel with others. Notice what keeps you from being able to do this. Is it:
Fear of judgment?
Fear of failure?
Fear of embarrassment?
Fear of something else?
Your sensitive nature is another reason why people will be drawn to you if you challenge yourself to express this quality with openness and honesty. You feel strongly about many things. You have an opportunity to share these beliefs and feelings with others and they will be grateful for it. Practice with people you feel most comfortable around. Tell them you’d like to talk about something you feel passionate about. Being a sensitive being has also given you a generosity of spirit, something that you have a right, opportunity, and, in many ways, a wonderful obligation to share.