Strategize with your friend before the party. Let the friend know you want to try something different. You want to experiment with being fearless or at least being less fearful.IF YOU HAVE ever heard someone described as “the life of the party,” it probably conjures up the image of a person who is talkative, friendly, funny, and at times outrageous in his or her social behavior. This is the type of person who would never be described as “shy,” “introverted,” or “timid.”
The truth is that while the extrovert may elicit a lot of attention, anyone who has attended or hosted a party knows that any interesting gathering is composed of many different types of people. And while someone may be the first person to jump up and dance on the bar, the majority in attendance will be amused onlookers at the spectacle. For our purposes, “life” will be another word for “heart and soul.” And the heart of any party is in the shared experience had by all invited. People who describe themselves as shy often feel that if they are not the extrovert holding court over an enraptured crowd, then their presence is not valued. Shy people may even feel a bit envious of their flamboyant fellow partygoer and wish they could be as uninhibited in the company of others.
The shy-strong have come to understand that although they may enjoy the antics of the extrovert, they do not need to match that energy or style in order to both have a good time and feel that they too have a valuable place in the room. “All or nothing” expectations of ourselves in social situations—“Either I am outgoing and fascinating company or I am boring and have no right to be here”—are examples of the self-defeating thinking that must be turned upside down and replaced with a new belief system.
Yes, even those who consider themselves shy can be the life or heart and soul of any party or social gathering. Understand that your shy-strength is every bit as compelling as the person who is the first to drag out the karaoke machine.
Consider the example of Lila, who describes her aversion to parties in the following way:
“I’ve always dreaded any kind of party, no matter if it was just a few people or a New Year’s Eve party with a hundred. This was especially the case when I was in college. My roommate was very popular and she was always trying to get me to come with her to parties. Half the time I would make excuses why I couldn’t go and half the time I’d force myself, but I never had a good time. No one ever talked to me and I was too shy to talk to anyone anyway. It got to be so painful to just sit there, miserable and counting the minutes until I could leave, that I just stopped going out completely.
“After a couple of months I realized I had absolutely no social life. My roommate had even stopped asking me to go anywhere with her. I was talking to her one night, feeling sorry for myself that I didn’t have any friends and she told me it was my own fault. I told her, ‘No, it was because I was shy,’ and she said, ‘No, it’s because you don’t make any effort. Lots of people like you very much, but you just can’t see it.’ I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Then she gave me some advice I’ll never forget: She said lots of people at parties feel shy and awkward and if I would just try to talk to some of them I would have a good time. I was reluctant, but we made a plan and I went with her to a dorm party that weekend. I still had the same anxious feeling and wanted to run out of the room, but I didn’t. That night, she was really a terrific friend. She kept making eye contact with me and pointing out people I should go sit next to and I thought, ‘What the heck, if this doesn’t work out, I’ll never have to go through another one of these things again.’
“There was this cute guy sitting on the couch by himself going through the CD collection and I went over and sat next to him and forced myself to say something about the music being boring, which it was, and he looked at me for what seemed like forever and then he smiled and said he was thinking the same thing. And then he asked me if I wanted to help him find something better. So we sat there, going through this pile of CDs, talking about what kind of music we liked and didn’t like, which led into a conversation about a ton of other things, and when it was time to go, I didn’t want to leave!
“I made a friend that night and I learned a lesson about how sometimes having a good time requires effort on my part. I can’t say I jump at the chance to go to parties, but when I do, I try to find one thing I can do or say to someone who looks like they’re feeling like I do. So far, it’s worked every time and I’ve made some wonderful new friends.”
As you can see, Lila took a risk. Any successful relationship requires risking your vulnerability and pushing your comfort level a bit so that you can open yourself up to the possibility of making a connection with another person.
Parties and social gatherings can be anxiety-producing for many people, and not only for those who consider themselves shy. Following are some things you can do, however, to minimize the fearful aspect of these group situations.
The company of any good friend will be helpful, but ideally you should ask a friend who is not struggling with issues of shyness to come along with you. Having someone you feel comfortable with at your side will obviously produce less anxiety than entering a room full of strangers by yourself. To make this the biggest success:
Strategize with your friend before the party. Let the friend know you want to try something different. You want to experiment with being fearless or at least being less fearful.
Ask your friend (assuming she’s more outgoing than you) to go up and speak to people and then summon you to join in. Then she can bring the conversation around to a topic you feel comfortable talking about.
Agree on a signal for your friend, where she can move off tactfully if you are engaging in a conversation easily.
The food is always where the action is at any party. Depending on the setting, this may be a banquet table or the kitchen. Everyone eventually makes their way to this area, and if you are close by, the chances are very good that someone who is alone will say hello. Remember to make eye contact and smile, keeping your posture and body language open for dialogue. If you are standing in a corner staring at your plate, people who might have wished to speak to you will walk by, sensing that you do not want to be disturbed.
People who enjoy themselves at social gatherings talk to anyone and everyone they can. Not all at once, of course! A friend described a woman she observed at a party having a fabulous time. The woman was in her sixties and this was the thirtieth birthday party for a coworker. She didn’t keep to herself because of the age difference, but chatted away with the younger people, asking them what they did and seeming genuinely interested in hearing what they had to say. Even if she couldn’t contribute to the pop culture topics, she asked questions and made references from her own generation and experience and was embraced and accepted by the younger crowd.
“If you explore beneath shyness or party chitchat, you can sometimes turn a dull exchange into an intriguing one. I’ve found this to be particularly true in the case of professors or intellectuals, who are full of fascinating information, but need encouragement before they’ll divulge it.”
—JOYCE CAROL OATES
So, don’t let age, cultural background, sex, or style of dress allow you to make a judgment that you will have nothing in common. This is one of the secrets of being the life or heart of the party. Be open to any conversation with anyone, regardless of what you perceive may be differences. You may be surprised to learn you have much in common.
Being shy-strong, you have developed a keen intuitive awareness and ability to observe others. This ability was honed from years of standing on the sidelines, watching others interact, but without you participating. You can now choose to use this gift in service of your goal to become part of any social dynamic.
At a social gathering, for instance, watch the group. If it’s helpful to you, pretend you’re an investigator or researcher. Study the gathering:
Are there certain people you might like to meet?
Is anyone standing off alone?
Do you see someone who seems approachable?
Watch for eye contact from others and muster your resolve to meet their gaze, if only for a couple of seconds.
At a party or larger social gathering, it is important that you check in with yourself often to see how comfortable you are feeling. Let’s use a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being “extremely comfortable” and 1 being “want to run out the door.” Measure where you are as you try to go up one level.
1. You walk into the room and feel at level 1. You decide to push this to a 2. So you take off your coat and sit down.
2. Get comfortable at this level and then move on to 3. You walk over and get yourself a drink and something to eat. Stay here at this level as you replace your negative thoughts with positive ones and do some deep breathing.
3. You are now at 4. You glance around the room for someone who you intuit you will feel comfortable talking to. Make eye contact. Stay at this level for a few minutes.
4. If the person does not approach you, but seems interested in talking, move on to level 5 and walk over in his or her direction.
Remember, all this is done incrementally and in stages. You are acclimating yourself to the environment much the same way a mountain climber does when adjusting to high altitudes. Don’t expect to rush into a party, grab a drink, and start chatting with the first person you see. If you ease yourself into situations that have been difficult in the past, you will find that each step, if taken slowly, is not as hard as it seems. When you think too much about it in terms of the entire process, without breaking it into steps, a situation like this can be overwhelming. Remember, you are climbing a staircase and taking one step at a time. You can tell yourself that you can stop at any point. But the goal is to both manage your fear and push yourself a little further once you feel the fear has dissipated a bit.
“The way you overcome shyness is to become so wrapped up in something that you forget to be afraid.”
—LADY BIRD JOHNSON
In managing your comfort level it is very important that you don’t push yourself too far. If you get to a comfort level of 8 or so and want to really challenge your fear by joining in a game of charades, by all means, do! But you may be just as content to be an active observer, enjoying the game from a comfortable perch at a safe distance. You are your own guide here. Use your intuition. You will know when you are reacting from a fearful place and not pushing yourself a bit further when you are indeed perfectly able to do so. You will also know when you are truly not ready to take a step further out of your comfort zone, just as you will know when you are ready for this.